Kids, I know that most of you that read this blog know exactly who I am and continue to read this blog for that reason and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But would you believe there are those that read it simply for the material? I know, it blows my mind too.
I'm looking at you, Latvia.
So, you sons and daughters of the great nation (republic? city-state? tribe?...eh...not worth it) of Latvia, let me give you some very brief background information. I owe you at least the tip of the iceberg...just the tip.
When I was a strapping young lad I attended the University of Central Florida for several reasons: for starters I wanted to better myself, secondly they seemed very proactive in bettering themselves, and finally they had an on-campus Wendy's. I love Wendy's. I don't even give a crap that their hamburgers are square because they are absolutely delicious and they should totally make a Frosty dipping sauce for their chicken nuggets so I can just board myself up in a room with hundreds of them.
Anyways, and it should stand to mention, that this was just a little over ten years ago. My direction was clear: I hated math, I hated "hands on" material, and computer science was out the window when I realized that Minesweeper was not a cool game.
I'm a writer, through and through, and I've always grown up with the "me talk pretty one day" attitude so I leaned towards what I could speak through and that was always obvious for this 115 lb. white kid: Sports.
I joined the journalism program, started writing for the school paper, and started getting sweet gigs like women's tennis and the track and field team. But I embraced it. I had no choice.
Plus, the football team wasn't exactly tearing it up. It wasn't, what we would say, the hot beat. They sucked. And they sucked. And then they sucked some more. Basically they were terrible.
*Quick side note: For those of you that read this that didn't attend UCF and don't have any clue what Spirit Splash is, well it's basically this great opportunity for students to jump around our huge central fountain but it's also a pep rally for the football team. My first Spirit Splash was with Mike Kruczek (pronounced croo-check) and despite starting horribly that year he promised he would win against (insert team here). He didn't, and he also didn't finish the season employed by UCF. Enter interim coach to finish the season and then enter George O'Leary the next year.
O'Leary to me has always been an enigma. He was in the NFL as an assistant, and then was supposed to coach the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but he "mistakenly" "wrote" "he" "graduated" with "a" "masters" when he really didn't. So he funneled down to UCF.
"Great. Our new head coach of our shitty football team is a liar. That's fitting." - Me, circa 2004
O'Leary did what he could the first couple of years and then he found the age-old response to playing good football: get a running game and a defense and the rest just falls into your hands. In 2007, my last year at UCF, Kevin Smith tore off and became the second-leading rusher of all-time behind some guy named Barry Sanders. We now had our own on-campus stadium, we almost beat Texas, and we were wrecking havoc in the Conference USA (and the collective just sighed and said "yeah, that's a tough conference!" and my response to that is building blocks!).
That's our thing, though. If you were a big name school, or ranked, we would show up and make it a great game but we would inevitably bow out and lose. And that's how it happened each and every time and every single time it happened I was on the edge of my seat.
For the last seven years, I have had nothing to do with the UCF newspaper but I can't help but think back to my days there and just wonder what the guy reporting on the football team was going through with each heartbreaking loss.
I know what I was going through. Almost...almost...and nothing. How many times can you get gut-punched without throwing up? I've thrown up like six times.
Well kids, I wrote all that, to get to this. UCF marched their proud, underdog asses into Louisville tonight to take on the eighth ranked team in the nation and a quarterback that is a favorite for the Heisman Trophy.
And with five seconds left on the clock, Teddy Bridgewater's Hail Mary hit the dirt and I hung my head. I didn't hang my head in shame or even in disbelief--I hung my head because I felt I might cry. They did it. They actually did it. They finally won the game that they couldn't for as long as I can remember. UCF was always the bridesmaid and never the bride--and it happened for so long that I grew a callus on my heart. Yet, I must admit, if that damn ball found it's way into the hands of a Cardinal I might have driven to Kentucky just to burn the whole damn state down. Take that, flatheads.
This is going to sound incredibly corny but I need to increase my female audience. I went to UCF to better myself with a dream in my head and I sit here today, totally different, but with that same dream. Dammit, I want to inspire, and if I can't inspire, I want to make you cry, and if I can't make you cry, then...I guess I'll settle for making you laugh.
UCF's win tonight wasn't just a win for one football team. It was a win for all the alumni, it was a win for all their fans, it was a win for people like me, and it was also a win for the lucky bastard that gets to write about this in the Central Florida Future.
I'm jealous and proud at the same time and I couldn't be happier.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Let's Play Extras
I very rarely write about something before it happens and that's mostly because I'm better at reporting than I am at speculation.
But tonight, kids, the Tampa Bay Rays will play an extra game to determine who gets to punch their ticket to the post-season between them and the Texas Rangers.
And this scares the literal crap out of me--seriously, I just pooped.
All pants-crapping aside, it's moments like these that are perfect microcosms for why sports are great and incredibly brutal at the same time. Even if you aren't a baseball fan--or even a sports fan--imagine the one thing that you've worked towards for the better part of the year coming down to one, JUST ONE, pivotal moment and if you blow it then that's it. Better luck next year, kids.
If you screw up and lose it there's this overwhelming feel of everything you've just done has been for naught. Then comes the scrutinizing over "If I just did this one thing differently then maybe we wouldn't have even been here in the first place." It's absolutely agonizing.
But if you win...there's no greater feeling. It's the exact opposite with everything you've worked towards coming into fruition. You buy in. It was all worth it.
And as far as baseball goes I live vicariously through the Tampa Bay Rays and I know for a fact that others do the same.
I played baseball for a summer once, many moons ago, and there were two resounding moments that continually haunt me and they both happened at first base. For one, I hated the third baseman. He had a terrible arm and could never get the ball across the infield to me without skipping it along the ground and that for me was a nightmare because I couldn't play the hop to save my life. All I managed to do was get my glove down in time to form a little ramp for the ball to travel up my arm and pop me in the face. This was obviously the third baseman's fault.
Secondly, I can remember the pitcher walking off the mound towards first base while I had the ball waiting for me to throw it back to him only he kept getting closer and closer to me and for some reason I panicked thinking that if I threw him the ball like I normally do I would accidentally zing it right at his face. You know, because being thirteen and 80 pounds soaking wet, I had a canon for an arm that even a juiced up Roger Clemens was jealous of. Instead of just taking a little something off and just throwing it overhand per usual I decided to lob it underhand and very pathetically utter this "unnngggh" sound as I did it too. As soon as I did it I thought some guy would come over and take my glove and hat and say, "It's over, son." And he had every right.
So I decided that it was best to leave it to the professionals and since 1998 my professionals have been the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I mean, Hell I can best relate to them: we both don't have very much money and we tell people we're from Tampa when really it's more like St. Petersburg.
The reality of it all? The Rays have to beat the Texas Rangers tonight, in Texas, for the right to face the Cleveland Indians, in Cleveland, for the right to play the Boston Red Sox, in Boston. A long shot? Of course it is. It's hard to play that many 'must win games' and expect to come out on top but, hey, I'm a student of the NCAA basketball tournament and the NFL playoffs. All of those are 'must win games' too and somebody comes out on top. Why not the Rays?
I might be crazy--in fact I probably am--but being born in New York and being asked why I'm not a Yankees fan is an easy answer for me. It's because the Rays are the good guys.
Look, I'm not asking you to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, or even a sports fan. I'm simply asking you to recognize what you really want in life and understand that some people want that from sports. I have watched and reported on sports for a long time and it's the most human thing I've ever seen. People stake their lives, their good name, and their entire future on a game. Why? Well they do it for you. And for me. And for themselves. It's a strange, strange thing but it's incredibly beautiful and heart breaking. Isn't that human enough for you?
So tonight I'll watch my Rays take on the Rangers with eager eyes while I simultaneously switch over to the Dolphins-Saints Monday Night Football game and maybe I'll have a really good night and maybe I'll have a really bad night. That's the whole point. All I know is that I'm excited about something that I have absolutely no control over and I hope you have something like that in your life.
But tonight, kids, the Tampa Bay Rays will play an extra game to determine who gets to punch their ticket to the post-season between them and the Texas Rangers.
And this scares the literal crap out of me--seriously, I just pooped.
All pants-crapping aside, it's moments like these that are perfect microcosms for why sports are great and incredibly brutal at the same time. Even if you aren't a baseball fan--or even a sports fan--imagine the one thing that you've worked towards for the better part of the year coming down to one, JUST ONE, pivotal moment and if you blow it then that's it. Better luck next year, kids.
If you screw up and lose it there's this overwhelming feel of everything you've just done has been for naught. Then comes the scrutinizing over "If I just did this one thing differently then maybe we wouldn't have even been here in the first place." It's absolutely agonizing.
But if you win...there's no greater feeling. It's the exact opposite with everything you've worked towards coming into fruition. You buy in. It was all worth it.
And as far as baseball goes I live vicariously through the Tampa Bay Rays and I know for a fact that others do the same.
I played baseball for a summer once, many moons ago, and there were two resounding moments that continually haunt me and they both happened at first base. For one, I hated the third baseman. He had a terrible arm and could never get the ball across the infield to me without skipping it along the ground and that for me was a nightmare because I couldn't play the hop to save my life. All I managed to do was get my glove down in time to form a little ramp for the ball to travel up my arm and pop me in the face. This was obviously the third baseman's fault.
Secondly, I can remember the pitcher walking off the mound towards first base while I had the ball waiting for me to throw it back to him only he kept getting closer and closer to me and for some reason I panicked thinking that if I threw him the ball like I normally do I would accidentally zing it right at his face. You know, because being thirteen and 80 pounds soaking wet, I had a canon for an arm that even a juiced up Roger Clemens was jealous of. Instead of just taking a little something off and just throwing it overhand per usual I decided to lob it underhand and very pathetically utter this "unnngggh" sound as I did it too. As soon as I did it I thought some guy would come over and take my glove and hat and say, "It's over, son." And he had every right.
So I decided that it was best to leave it to the professionals and since 1998 my professionals have been the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. I mean, Hell I can best relate to them: we both don't have very much money and we tell people we're from Tampa when really it's more like St. Petersburg.
The reality of it all? The Rays have to beat the Texas Rangers tonight, in Texas, for the right to face the Cleveland Indians, in Cleveland, for the right to play the Boston Red Sox, in Boston. A long shot? Of course it is. It's hard to play that many 'must win games' and expect to come out on top but, hey, I'm a student of the NCAA basketball tournament and the NFL playoffs. All of those are 'must win games' too and somebody comes out on top. Why not the Rays?
I might be crazy--in fact I probably am--but being born in New York and being asked why I'm not a Yankees fan is an easy answer for me. It's because the Rays are the good guys.
Look, I'm not asking you to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, or even a sports fan. I'm simply asking you to recognize what you really want in life and understand that some people want that from sports. I have watched and reported on sports for a long time and it's the most human thing I've ever seen. People stake their lives, their good name, and their entire future on a game. Why? Well they do it for you. And for me. And for themselves. It's a strange, strange thing but it's incredibly beautiful and heart breaking. Isn't that human enough for you?
So tonight I'll watch my Rays take on the Rangers with eager eyes while I simultaneously switch over to the Dolphins-Saints Monday Night Football game and maybe I'll have a really good night and maybe I'll have a really bad night. That's the whole point. All I know is that I'm excited about something that I have absolutely no control over and I hope you have something like that in your life.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Water Cooler Musings
It's been eleven years since the Miami Dolphins have started 3-0 so you'll have to bear with me for one moment...okay...let's move on.
What? You thought this would be a giant love-fest over the Miami Dolphins? Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be prouder and for a long, long time it's in the offense more than the defense. My little Fuzzby, Ryan Tannehill, is growing up and dare I say trying to reach Furby status. I'm proud of his composure, I'm proud of his ability to lead game-winning drives in perilous situations but the thing that I'm most proud of is that...well...if Miami has the ball and is one score away from winning it I officially have full faith in my little Fuzzby. I trust him to get it done. I am officially off of "here's where we blow it" status.
But I'm not on "WOOO! SUPER BOWL TIME! XOXOXOXOXO! GO DOLPHINS!"
And hopefully I'll never be that guy but I'm a grounded individual and it's a tough sport we're playing here and it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. What have the Dolphins achieved in starting 3-0? Well for one, they've made me tremendously happy. I haven't been excited like this for football in over a decade. But that's where it ends for me. I'm excited. Miami heads to New Orleans next Monday night for our first national stage game in over a year in enemy territory against the also undefeated Saints. This is a tough game here for the 'Phins. Win this and then I'll start using the Studly Pastures for our official Super Bowl or Bust campaign.
Speaking of things that haven't happened in a long, long time...the Kansas City Chiefs are also undefeated at 3-0! I don't think Denver and New England are nervous just quite yet but they are definitely scratching their heads and thinking, "What? No cake walk this year?" Nope.
I like Alex Smith. He was drafted No.1 overall in an 'eh' draft year and never seemed to really be accepted by his team even though he started doing 'eh' and then grew into a consistent player. Then he got hurt and never retained his job because Jim Harbaugh is still searching for his next Andrew Luck. So he got traded to the Chiefs, the 'worst' team in the league last year (Jacksonville) and now he's got this awesome 'Screw you, I'll show you all!' attitude and it's paired with Andy Reid's 'Screw you, I'll just stand here with the same expression on my face' and it appears to be working so far in Kansas City.
And now here's where I completely disavow the Cleveland Browns as an NFL franchise.
Are you kidding me? What's your deal? Do you like completely tormenting your fan-base year after excruciating year?
Let's step back for a second: last year you drafted Trent Richardson with the third overall pick and then you traded back into the first round to get Brandon Weeden. I never liked the Weeden pick, considering he's almost two years older than me and got to throw passes to Dez Bryant in college (making his numbers look a lot better) but you thought he was your saving grace, right? Well things didn't turn out so well last year and you brought in a new regime this year. They don't think Weeden is the answer either so they want to stockpile some draft picks and move up and be able to take one of the college quarterbacks coming out this year (the Teddy Bridgewaters and Johnny Manziels of the world). So...your solution was to trade Trent Richardson to the Indianapolis Colts.
Richardson had a very productive year last year but at the very least was your most dynamic playmaker on offense. The CEO of the Browns who doesn't deserve to have his name listed here came on after the trade and said that the Browns were looking to be successful in the future...by trading their best weapon.
Okay, sure, let's assume they were actually trying to get better like he says by getting the Colts' first round draft pick. Indianapolis was a playoff team last year and should at least contend for a spot this year. That puts their pick at around No. 23 to about No. 25. Cleveland, hopeless as all Hell, could have a top five draft pick if they keep losing.
But there it is, kids, they can't even LOSE correctly!
If you are telling your fanbase that you are laying down the rest of the 2013 season to make for a better future then why did you go and defeat the hapless Minnesota Adrian Peterson's? Couldn't you have beaten them and still retained Trent Richardson?
That's a rhetorical question, Cleveland, and since you don't know what that word means I'll just spare you and say, YES, you could have won that game, kept Trent Richardson, and still been shitty enough to get a top five draft pick to get one of those quarterbacks. Now we're just running in circles chasing our own asses.
Well that's it for now, kids, gotta save some stuff for later to stay relevant (oxymoron). By the way, if the line for the Dolphins-Saints game is Saints +7 or above, put your money on the 'Phins.
What? You thought this would be a giant love-fest over the Miami Dolphins? Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be prouder and for a long, long time it's in the offense more than the defense. My little Fuzzby, Ryan Tannehill, is growing up and dare I say trying to reach Furby status. I'm proud of his composure, I'm proud of his ability to lead game-winning drives in perilous situations but the thing that I'm most proud of is that...well...if Miami has the ball and is one score away from winning it I officially have full faith in my little Fuzzby. I trust him to get it done. I am officially off of "here's where we blow it" status.
But I'm not on "WOOO! SUPER BOWL TIME! XOXOXOXOXO! GO DOLPHINS!"
And hopefully I'll never be that guy but I'm a grounded individual and it's a tough sport we're playing here and it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. What have the Dolphins achieved in starting 3-0? Well for one, they've made me tremendously happy. I haven't been excited like this for football in over a decade. But that's where it ends for me. I'm excited. Miami heads to New Orleans next Monday night for our first national stage game in over a year in enemy territory against the also undefeated Saints. This is a tough game here for the 'Phins. Win this and then I'll start using the Studly Pastures for our official Super Bowl or Bust campaign.
Speaking of things that haven't happened in a long, long time...the Kansas City Chiefs are also undefeated at 3-0! I don't think Denver and New England are nervous just quite yet but they are definitely scratching their heads and thinking, "What? No cake walk this year?" Nope.
I like Alex Smith. He was drafted No.1 overall in an 'eh' draft year and never seemed to really be accepted by his team even though he started doing 'eh' and then grew into a consistent player. Then he got hurt and never retained his job because Jim Harbaugh is still searching for his next Andrew Luck. So he got traded to the Chiefs, the 'worst' team in the league last year (Jacksonville) and now he's got this awesome 'Screw you, I'll show you all!' attitude and it's paired with Andy Reid's 'Screw you, I'll just stand here with the same expression on my face' and it appears to be working so far in Kansas City.
And now here's where I completely disavow the Cleveland Browns as an NFL franchise.
Are you kidding me? What's your deal? Do you like completely tormenting your fan-base year after excruciating year?
Let's step back for a second: last year you drafted Trent Richardson with the third overall pick and then you traded back into the first round to get Brandon Weeden. I never liked the Weeden pick, considering he's almost two years older than me and got to throw passes to Dez Bryant in college (making his numbers look a lot better) but you thought he was your saving grace, right? Well things didn't turn out so well last year and you brought in a new regime this year. They don't think Weeden is the answer either so they want to stockpile some draft picks and move up and be able to take one of the college quarterbacks coming out this year (the Teddy Bridgewaters and Johnny Manziels of the world). So...your solution was to trade Trent Richardson to the Indianapolis Colts.
Richardson had a very productive year last year but at the very least was your most dynamic playmaker on offense. The CEO of the Browns who doesn't deserve to have his name listed here came on after the trade and said that the Browns were looking to be successful in the future...by trading their best weapon.
Okay, sure, let's assume they were actually trying to get better like he says by getting the Colts' first round draft pick. Indianapolis was a playoff team last year and should at least contend for a spot this year. That puts their pick at around No. 23 to about No. 25. Cleveland, hopeless as all Hell, could have a top five draft pick if they keep losing.
But there it is, kids, they can't even LOSE correctly!
If you are telling your fanbase that you are laying down the rest of the 2013 season to make for a better future then why did you go and defeat the hapless Minnesota Adrian Peterson's? Couldn't you have beaten them and still retained Trent Richardson?
That's a rhetorical question, Cleveland, and since you don't know what that word means I'll just spare you and say, YES, you could have won that game, kept Trent Richardson, and still been shitty enough to get a top five draft pick to get one of those quarterbacks. Now we're just running in circles chasing our own asses.
Well that's it for now, kids, gotta save some stuff for later to stay relevant (oxymoron). By the way, if the line for the Dolphins-Saints game is Saints +7 or above, put your money on the 'Phins.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
The Grand Return
It's back, kids!
The NFL kicks off it's regular season this evening in a rematch of divisional playoff teams from a year ago: the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos. While this game probably won't live up to the instant classic that it was last year (nor does it have nearly as many implications) it's still good to see the boys back on the field.
By the way, Baltimore is playing AT Denver, becoming the first reigning Super Bowl champion to start on the road since the 2003 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that was mostly because less people give a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers than they do about probiotics. Stop peddling me your dirty bacteria pills, Erin Andrews, they might affect the tapeworm I purposely swallowed. It's bikini season.
The Ravens have the luxury of starting on the road because the Baltimore Orioles are supreme assholes and think that their precious regular season baseball game is more important than the reigning Super Bowl champions returning to the field. The Orioles last won the World Series in 1983 which was thirty friggin' years ago. That means people like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and every girl I've ever dated has never seen the Baltimore Orioles win the World Series. But you know what they have seen? The Baltimore Ravens win TWO Super Bowls! I wish the two commissioners would get together and make the Orioles play their game at four in the morning, with no lights on, and the infield is made of cow manure. It's only fair.
Last year I made some bold predictions like how Andrew Luck would win Rookie of the Year and that it would be the New Orleans Saints and the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl and I was exactly right about one of those things. If only I had actually said they would win it too...not sure why I stopped short of going all the way. I guess I take this thing way too seriously.
Well that's not going to be the case this year! I'm not taking this seriously at all! You have my solemn promise!
So let's go division by division and sort this whole thing out, shall we? What? Don't you have the stones to follow me?!
AFC NORTH: Hmmm...this is the division that the reigning champs are in but their roster looks a lot different than it did last year. Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to the Texans, and Joe Flacco stole everybody else's salaries. So unless Flacco can lead the team in passing yards, touchdowns, receptions, tackles and punt returns, I don't see the Ravens winning the division. My pick is awarded to the Cincinnati Bengals! That's right, kids, the Bungles! Andy Dalton and AJ Green have a legitimate connection and now with James Harrison on defense, who is a veritable psychotic, I think the tigers have what it takes to claim the AFC North.
AFC SOUTH: This is going to be the Houston Texans division, for sure. Oh I'm sure Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts will play their little oil-fueled hearts out but the cows are taking this one. Matt Schaub has very little hair left, they have a black guy named Arian, and Andre Johnson is about a year away from being "too old for this shit."
AFC EAST: Well this is the division that the Miami Dolphins play in and as a life-long fan and a true believer in them I have no choice but to pick against them. When you've loved something long enough you'll always go with the option to be surprised than to be disappointed because you really just can't go any lower. So if the Dolphins are out and the Bills and Jets are fielding starting quarterbacks that would be better suited making iced coffees at Starbucks then I have no choice but to hand it over to the freakin' New England Patriots...again. You win one more time Brady but heed my warning: this shall be the last year.
AFC WEST: I'm not going to go so far as to say that Denver will be the first team to lock up their division but I will go so far as to say that if they don't then something terrible has happened to Peyton "Forrest" Manning. The only way that the Broncos don't win this division is if Ol' Slack Jaw has his bionic neck short-circuit causing him not to be able to eat Oreos properly. Relax Mile High, this won't happen for Manning is my mortal enemy and he will continue to mock me at every turn. However, if it does by some miracle of Satan, then this division is up for grabs. Literally. They should toss a coin.
NFC NORTH: I don't trust the Bears without Urlacher...I really don't. Remember in Remember the Titans how the star linebacker finally learned acceptance of black people and then he went and got in a car accident and it paralyzed him but the team still went out and won the game regardless? Yeah it's not gonna be like that for Chicago. This division lies in the godforsaken wasteland of humanity in the northern end of Wisconsin in Green Bay! The Packers have Aaron Rodgers which is enough to say just like saying the Patriots have Tom Brady circa 2004-2005. They added a cool running back and still get to play the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings twice a year. Go pack, go!
NFC SOUTH: I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year and they made me look like a tremendous ass. To make matters worse, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record all while on the road to missing the playoffs completely. I wish I could afford the kind of pillow that Drew Brees can that lets him sleep at night but it's probably made out of dodo bird feathers, the softest down known to man as far as you know. So, by reason of angst, I am taking the Atlanta Falcons because who gives a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whatever other team is in this division.
NFC EAST: Oh sweet baby Jesus...the NFC East?! Sean Bean has a better shot at staying alive in things he is cast for than I do at picking the winner of the 'who barely makes it over .500 wins it' division. I can't pick the Cowboys because Tony Romo. I can't pick the Eagles because Michael Vick. So it's down between the Redskins and Giants. Well if recent history has taught me anything about coming back with a bionic knee then you are going to be a better player than you were before and the Redskins were the winners last year. Robert Griffin 3.0 will lead his team again to victory.
NFC WEST: This is tricky too but only because there are two teams that are actually capable of winning the division and I am of course talking about the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners made it to the Super Bowl last year and almost pulled it out before they got Flacco'ed. I like the idea that the Niners have put forth and I like their coach. Jim Harbaugh is Rex Ryan if Rex Ryan never woke up one morning with some misplaced sense of self-worth. But I do not like Colin Kaepernick. He is quickly becoming one of those quarterbacks that just leave a bad taste in your mouth and it's probably because they haven't showered. I am going to go with Seattle for the West. They put forth a team a lot like the Niners but I think their defense is better suited to go against the other team and that will be the difference in this division.
AFC WILD CARDS: Baltimore and Indianapolis.
NFC WILD CARDS: New Orleans and San Francisco.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Okay so now you know how I laid out exactly how the playoffs are going to shape out and now I am going to tell you who makes it to the championship game in each league. Do you like how I lead you by the hand there, you big dummy? If I was a good writer I would go back and delete all of this. I am taking the chalk in that I think Denver will reach the AFC Championship game. But I think that the Houston Texans are going to beat them. There's a damn good chance that this game will be played in Denver and that suits the Texans just fine because Baltimore showed the world last year that the Broncos are not invulnerable at home even in a cold ass game. I am making this pick for the same reason I picked Baltimore last year and that's because I think this is the last feasible year for them to get it done. Texans win over Denver 24-21
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: I have Seattle already locked into this game. I think they beat out the Niners and I think they bury the Falcons. Now because I'm a sucker for high drama I think the team they will meet in the NFC Championship is the Green Bay Packers. How great would it be to have a rematch of the 'Hail Mary that never was' then right here in the Super Bowl deciding game? I think Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers go at it harder than a couple of pit bulls in Rosie O'Donnell's underwear drawer and you can do with that what you please. In the end, however, the birds prevail over the cheese heads. Seattle wins 34-31.
SUPER BOWL: Seattle beats Houston 28-17. How's that for predictions? I came down a long and twisted road to get to this point and if I'm right I am moving to Vegas. And per usual, if I am found to be wrong...well...at least I put myself out there, dammit!
The NFL kicks off it's regular season this evening in a rematch of divisional playoff teams from a year ago: the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos. While this game probably won't live up to the instant classic that it was last year (nor does it have nearly as many implications) it's still good to see the boys back on the field.
By the way, Baltimore is playing AT Denver, becoming the first reigning Super Bowl champion to start on the road since the 2003 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that was mostly because less people give a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers than they do about probiotics. Stop peddling me your dirty bacteria pills, Erin Andrews, they might affect the tapeworm I purposely swallowed. It's bikini season.
The Ravens have the luxury of starting on the road because the Baltimore Orioles are supreme assholes and think that their precious regular season baseball game is more important than the reigning Super Bowl champions returning to the field. The Orioles last won the World Series in 1983 which was thirty friggin' years ago. That means people like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and every girl I've ever dated has never seen the Baltimore Orioles win the World Series. But you know what they have seen? The Baltimore Ravens win TWO Super Bowls! I wish the two commissioners would get together and make the Orioles play their game at four in the morning, with no lights on, and the infield is made of cow manure. It's only fair.
Last year I made some bold predictions like how Andrew Luck would win Rookie of the Year and that it would be the New Orleans Saints and the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl and I was exactly right about one of those things. If only I had actually said they would win it too...not sure why I stopped short of going all the way. I guess I take this thing way too seriously.
Well that's not going to be the case this year! I'm not taking this seriously at all! You have my solemn promise!
So let's go division by division and sort this whole thing out, shall we? What? Don't you have the stones to follow me?!
AFC NORTH: Hmmm...this is the division that the reigning champs are in but their roster looks a lot different than it did last year. Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to the Texans, and Joe Flacco stole everybody else's salaries. So unless Flacco can lead the team in passing yards, touchdowns, receptions, tackles and punt returns, I don't see the Ravens winning the division. My pick is awarded to the Cincinnati Bengals! That's right, kids, the Bungles! Andy Dalton and AJ Green have a legitimate connection and now with James Harrison on defense, who is a veritable psychotic, I think the tigers have what it takes to claim the AFC North.
AFC SOUTH: This is going to be the Houston Texans division, for sure. Oh I'm sure Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts will play their little oil-fueled hearts out but the cows are taking this one. Matt Schaub has very little hair left, they have a black guy named Arian, and Andre Johnson is about a year away from being "too old for this shit."
AFC EAST: Well this is the division that the Miami Dolphins play in and as a life-long fan and a true believer in them I have no choice but to pick against them. When you've loved something long enough you'll always go with the option to be surprised than to be disappointed because you really just can't go any lower. So if the Dolphins are out and the Bills and Jets are fielding starting quarterbacks that would be better suited making iced coffees at Starbucks then I have no choice but to hand it over to the freakin' New England Patriots...again. You win one more time Brady but heed my warning: this shall be the last year.
AFC WEST: I'm not going to go so far as to say that Denver will be the first team to lock up their division but I will go so far as to say that if they don't then something terrible has happened to Peyton "Forrest" Manning. The only way that the Broncos don't win this division is if Ol' Slack Jaw has his bionic neck short-circuit causing him not to be able to eat Oreos properly. Relax Mile High, this won't happen for Manning is my mortal enemy and he will continue to mock me at every turn. However, if it does by some miracle of Satan, then this division is up for grabs. Literally. They should toss a coin.
NFC NORTH: I don't trust the Bears without Urlacher...I really don't. Remember in Remember the Titans how the star linebacker finally learned acceptance of black people and then he went and got in a car accident and it paralyzed him but the team still went out and won the game regardless? Yeah it's not gonna be like that for Chicago. This division lies in the godforsaken wasteland of humanity in the northern end of Wisconsin in Green Bay! The Packers have Aaron Rodgers which is enough to say just like saying the Patriots have Tom Brady circa 2004-2005. They added a cool running back and still get to play the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings twice a year. Go pack, go!
NFC SOUTH: I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year and they made me look like a tremendous ass. To make matters worse, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record all while on the road to missing the playoffs completely. I wish I could afford the kind of pillow that Drew Brees can that lets him sleep at night but it's probably made out of dodo bird feathers, the softest down known to man as far as you know. So, by reason of angst, I am taking the Atlanta Falcons because who gives a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whatever other team is in this division.
NFC EAST: Oh sweet baby Jesus...the NFC East?! Sean Bean has a better shot at staying alive in things he is cast for than I do at picking the winner of the 'who barely makes it over .500 wins it' division. I can't pick the Cowboys because Tony Romo. I can't pick the Eagles because Michael Vick. So it's down between the Redskins and Giants. Well if recent history has taught me anything about coming back with a bionic knee then you are going to be a better player than you were before and the Redskins were the winners last year. Robert Griffin 3.0 will lead his team again to victory.
NFC WEST: This is tricky too but only because there are two teams that are actually capable of winning the division and I am of course talking about the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers. The Niners made it to the Super Bowl last year and almost pulled it out before they got Flacco'ed. I like the idea that the Niners have put forth and I like their coach. Jim Harbaugh is Rex Ryan if Rex Ryan never woke up one morning with some misplaced sense of self-worth. But I do not like Colin Kaepernick. He is quickly becoming one of those quarterbacks that just leave a bad taste in your mouth and it's probably because they haven't showered. I am going to go with Seattle for the West. They put forth a team a lot like the Niners but I think their defense is better suited to go against the other team and that will be the difference in this division.
AFC WILD CARDS: Baltimore and Indianapolis.
NFC WILD CARDS: New Orleans and San Francisco.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Okay so now you know how I laid out exactly how the playoffs are going to shape out and now I am going to tell you who makes it to the championship game in each league. Do you like how I lead you by the hand there, you big dummy? If I was a good writer I would go back and delete all of this. I am taking the chalk in that I think Denver will reach the AFC Championship game. But I think that the Houston Texans are going to beat them. There's a damn good chance that this game will be played in Denver and that suits the Texans just fine because Baltimore showed the world last year that the Broncos are not invulnerable at home even in a cold ass game. I am making this pick for the same reason I picked Baltimore last year and that's because I think this is the last feasible year for them to get it done. Texans win over Denver 24-21
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: I have Seattle already locked into this game. I think they beat out the Niners and I think they bury the Falcons. Now because I'm a sucker for high drama I think the team they will meet in the NFC Championship is the Green Bay Packers. How great would it be to have a rematch of the 'Hail Mary that never was' then right here in the Super Bowl deciding game? I think Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers go at it harder than a couple of pit bulls in Rosie O'Donnell's underwear drawer and you can do with that what you please. In the end, however, the birds prevail over the cheese heads. Seattle wins 34-31.
SUPER BOWL: Seattle beats Houston 28-17. How's that for predictions? I came down a long and twisted road to get to this point and if I'm right I am moving to Vegas. And per usual, if I am found to be wrong...well...at least I put myself out there, dammit!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
A For Effort, A-Fraud
I have mentioned Alex Rodriguez exactly twice in the entire four years that I've been blogging on a unicorn stud farm. The latest time was two months ago when the Biogenesis case first broke open and I declared that the hammer was about to fall. And, of course, the first time was just out of being completely done with Rodriguez as a person in your heroes suck.
And today I learned how to link to my own posts.
Well the hammer has fallen on ARod and MLB has suspended him for 211 games, effective today. Unfortunately this is one of those cases where due process sucks balls because the guy you are dealing with is such an incredible asshole that he doesn't even recognize when it's finally time to go quietly into the night. He's appealed the suspension and I guess because the arbitrator in the case has a firm stick up his ass because the appeal might not be decided until DECEMBER. Meanwhile, the jerk gets to play baseball games.
Okay, I get it, there's a lot to soak in. You have to find Tony Bosch, resident weasel and leak to the Biogenesis lab, a credible and worthy witness. That's going to be tough to do considering I wouldn't trust Bosch to make me a ham sandwich and have it not contain some sort of incriminating evidence. Then after all of that you have to wade through a mile of paperwork that may or may not be fabricated.
With that said, the man in question is Alex Rodriguez. You know that old childhood riddle where your mom, your best friend, and the girl you love are stranded on the road and you are driving a car that only has room for two people? Well ARod's answer is to just keep driving and only slow down long enough so that all three of them can see his middle finger.
I've heard that ARod refuses to pee in the shower because he would rather bottle it up and drink it later because unlike Snapple, it's made from the greatest stuff on Earth.
When John Wayne Gacy, convicted of sexually assaulting and killing young boys, was put to death by lethal injection his final words were, "Hey, at least I'm not Alex Rodriguez!"
Okay, okay, this got out of control rather quickly. MOST of these things didn't happen but the basic principle remains the same and that's Alex Rodriguez is a terrible human being.
Thanks to the New York Yankees being awesome contract negotiators ARod only has to hit 13 more home runs to make a $6 million bonus. You can see his initiative for appealing and trying to play this year. Oh he's come out and said how he's trying to fight for his life and be a good role model for his daughters but it's all bullshit. He wants that money.
Here's what's going to happen: ARod's suspension will hold, MLB will make sure of it. This is Bud Selig's swan song and pinnacle moment of his legacy and after they got Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez became the poster child of this whole ordeal. This one's not getting away.
So after the suspension he'll be over 40 with a bum hip and out of baseball for almost two full years. He'll probably come back and try to play but it will end up really sad and pathetic, just like Derek Jeter, except nobody will feel bad for him like they do Jeter because ARod has always been the scum of the Earth.
This is how it ends, kids, and the way that he's swinging these days he'll be hard pressed to hit 13 homers in the 49 or so games that the Yankees have left because they ain't making the post season this year. This is the end of Alex Rodriguez, and like so many public sports figures, he can try and delay the inevitable by appealing and fighting in court but the one thing he cannot stop is time. That will be his, yours, and my death blow. Time.
Time is a mean son of a bitch and not even a slippery ass bag like Alex Rodriguez can escape it. Good luck hitting 13, douche.
And today I learned how to link to my own posts.
Well the hammer has fallen on ARod and MLB has suspended him for 211 games, effective today. Unfortunately this is one of those cases where due process sucks balls because the guy you are dealing with is such an incredible asshole that he doesn't even recognize when it's finally time to go quietly into the night. He's appealed the suspension and I guess because the arbitrator in the case has a firm stick up his ass because the appeal might not be decided until DECEMBER. Meanwhile, the jerk gets to play baseball games.
Okay, I get it, there's a lot to soak in. You have to find Tony Bosch, resident weasel and leak to the Biogenesis lab, a credible and worthy witness. That's going to be tough to do considering I wouldn't trust Bosch to make me a ham sandwich and have it not contain some sort of incriminating evidence. Then after all of that you have to wade through a mile of paperwork that may or may not be fabricated.
With that said, the man in question is Alex Rodriguez. You know that old childhood riddle where your mom, your best friend, and the girl you love are stranded on the road and you are driving a car that only has room for two people? Well ARod's answer is to just keep driving and only slow down long enough so that all three of them can see his middle finger.
I've heard that ARod refuses to pee in the shower because he would rather bottle it up and drink it later because unlike Snapple, it's made from the greatest stuff on Earth.
When John Wayne Gacy, convicted of sexually assaulting and killing young boys, was put to death by lethal injection his final words were, "Hey, at least I'm not Alex Rodriguez!"
Okay, okay, this got out of control rather quickly. MOST of these things didn't happen but the basic principle remains the same and that's Alex Rodriguez is a terrible human being.
Thanks to the New York Yankees being awesome contract negotiators ARod only has to hit 13 more home runs to make a $6 million bonus. You can see his initiative for appealing and trying to play this year. Oh he's come out and said how he's trying to fight for his life and be a good role model for his daughters but it's all bullshit. He wants that money.
Here's what's going to happen: ARod's suspension will hold, MLB will make sure of it. This is Bud Selig's swan song and pinnacle moment of his legacy and after they got Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez became the poster child of this whole ordeal. This one's not getting away.
So after the suspension he'll be over 40 with a bum hip and out of baseball for almost two full years. He'll probably come back and try to play but it will end up really sad and pathetic, just like Derek Jeter, except nobody will feel bad for him like they do Jeter because ARod has always been the scum of the Earth.
This is how it ends, kids, and the way that he's swinging these days he'll be hard pressed to hit 13 homers in the 49 or so games that the Yankees have left because they ain't making the post season this year. This is the end of Alex Rodriguez, and like so many public sports figures, he can try and delay the inevitable by appealing and fighting in court but the one thing he cannot stop is time. That will be his, yours, and my death blow. Time.
Time is a mean son of a bitch and not even a slippery ass bag like Alex Rodriguez can escape it. Good luck hitting 13, douche.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Johnny Be Good
Well kids, it's August, and I'm back in full form and ready to educate the masses on life, sports, and hell, whatever else you want to know about. Including Hell...which is where Johnny Manziel has found himself the past four or five months.
I felt bad for Johnny Football. I really did. The kid wins the Heisman as a freshman, first person to ever do so, and is immediately thrown under the same scrutiny as the rest of the Heisman winners. How is that fair? He doesn't even get the chance to rail through a few sorority skanks, maybe brush elbows with some boosters, and get absolutely hammered on grain alcohol in the freezing snow with just a Speedo on. That's college, folks, that's how we learn.
And A.J. McCarron? You officially need to shut up. Nobody likes you, you aren't cool. You're a boring figure-head on a team that's carried you on their collective NFL-ready shoulders. You should get your masters at Alabama because third-string on the San Diego Chargers pays you in churros. You're not better than Manziel because he has a Heisman and you have a "Best Timing in the NCAA" award.
I really wish the Heisman Trust people would stop pretending that they are the Illuminati and this ever-expanding cult that controls everything and realize all they do is vote on who the best player is in COLLEGE football each year. It's the NCAA, which is terribly flawed, and it's college kids, which believe it or not, are flawed!
Johnny Manziel is a 20-year old kid. Now that I've said it maybe he'll stop reminding us. But because he's won the Heisman we're supposed to shake our heads every time he grabs a beer or sleeps in a little late and misses Peyton Manning's football camp? Did you just read what I wrote? Peyton Manning's football camp!? Getting excused from that is like getting promoted to Advanced Reading from Remedial Book Learning With Colors. Johnny was too hungover to make macaroni necklaces that day, Peyton, let's get over it.
Then he got booted out of a University of Texas frat party. Johnny, recognize when your guardian angel is looking out for you. If I accidentally stumbled my way into a University of Texas frat party I can only imagine what kinds of terrible S&M livestock activities are going on in those dark hallways. I just shuddered...I'm not kidding. They're the longhorns for Christ sakes, get outta there!
Aaaaand now we have reports that he's been profiting off of autographs which is a BIG no-no in the NCAA. Basically if you work for the NCAA you better not make any money...but I digress, that's my argument for another day.
First of all, how big of a scum bag can you be (or rather how popular can you get) that you charge people for signing your own name on something. That's incredible to me. "Oh this football is worth seven dollars, hold on a second, BLAM, now it's gonna be expensive in 30 years."
Second of all, why are we getting the autograph of a 20-year old? I'd be less upset about this if I found out that he was only signing sorority girls' boobs...and still charging! That's pretty boss.
The worst part, even though I saw Manziel circling the drain a couple of months ago, is that all it will take the crazy ass NCAA to take away his eligibility is ONE spurned person. That's it. No questions asked, this is what you get and I wouldn't be surprised if they go after the Heisman.
But then I also had this thought: Hey, maybe if the Heisman Trust was truly about not only on-field play but also how the person conducts himself in the community then I guess a freshman wasn't exactly the best pick because he was in freakin' high school a year ago! When I was a freshman I would skip classes not because I was drunk or on drugs but just because I could and nobody would yell at me. Take that, general society!
Here's the thing: the Heisman Trust is owned by the NCAA and the NCAA is owned by the same thing that birthed David Stern and Gary Bettman. It's all evil and it doesn't matter what you do because you're going down regardless.
I recognize the rational part of American society and a Tits for Tat program is ingenious, especially if you're popular enough to get away with it, which Johnny Manziel is. Which 20-year old hot shit in this room is turning down that kind of action? That's what I thought.
Can't we all just reach back and remember what it was like to have everything in the palm of our hand and then go right ahead and piss it all away on trivial things? Doesn't anybody remember what it means to be young? Leave the kid alone. I'm sure he's gotten a chick pregnant by now anyways. Let the autograph thing go away.
I felt bad for Johnny Football. I really did. The kid wins the Heisman as a freshman, first person to ever do so, and is immediately thrown under the same scrutiny as the rest of the Heisman winners. How is that fair? He doesn't even get the chance to rail through a few sorority skanks, maybe brush elbows with some boosters, and get absolutely hammered on grain alcohol in the freezing snow with just a Speedo on. That's college, folks, that's how we learn.
And A.J. McCarron? You officially need to shut up. Nobody likes you, you aren't cool. You're a boring figure-head on a team that's carried you on their collective NFL-ready shoulders. You should get your masters at Alabama because third-string on the San Diego Chargers pays you in churros. You're not better than Manziel because he has a Heisman and you have a "Best Timing in the NCAA" award.
I really wish the Heisman Trust people would stop pretending that they are the Illuminati and this ever-expanding cult that controls everything and realize all they do is vote on who the best player is in COLLEGE football each year. It's the NCAA, which is terribly flawed, and it's college kids, which believe it or not, are flawed!
Johnny Manziel is a 20-year old kid. Now that I've said it maybe he'll stop reminding us. But because he's won the Heisman we're supposed to shake our heads every time he grabs a beer or sleeps in a little late and misses Peyton Manning's football camp? Did you just read what I wrote? Peyton Manning's football camp!? Getting excused from that is like getting promoted to Advanced Reading from Remedial Book Learning With Colors. Johnny was too hungover to make macaroni necklaces that day, Peyton, let's get over it.
Then he got booted out of a University of Texas frat party. Johnny, recognize when your guardian angel is looking out for you. If I accidentally stumbled my way into a University of Texas frat party I can only imagine what kinds of terrible S&M livestock activities are going on in those dark hallways. I just shuddered...I'm not kidding. They're the longhorns for Christ sakes, get outta there!
Aaaaand now we have reports that he's been profiting off of autographs which is a BIG no-no in the NCAA. Basically if you work for the NCAA you better not make any money...but I digress, that's my argument for another day.
First of all, how big of a scum bag can you be (or rather how popular can you get) that you charge people for signing your own name on something. That's incredible to me. "Oh this football is worth seven dollars, hold on a second, BLAM, now it's gonna be expensive in 30 years."
Second of all, why are we getting the autograph of a 20-year old? I'd be less upset about this if I found out that he was only signing sorority girls' boobs...and still charging! That's pretty boss.
The worst part, even though I saw Manziel circling the drain a couple of months ago, is that all it will take the crazy ass NCAA to take away his eligibility is ONE spurned person. That's it. No questions asked, this is what you get and I wouldn't be surprised if they go after the Heisman.
But then I also had this thought: Hey, maybe if the Heisman Trust was truly about not only on-field play but also how the person conducts himself in the community then I guess a freshman wasn't exactly the best pick because he was in freakin' high school a year ago! When I was a freshman I would skip classes not because I was drunk or on drugs but just because I could and nobody would yell at me. Take that, general society!
Here's the thing: the Heisman Trust is owned by the NCAA and the NCAA is owned by the same thing that birthed David Stern and Gary Bettman. It's all evil and it doesn't matter what you do because you're going down regardless.
I recognize the rational part of American society and a Tits for Tat program is ingenious, especially if you're popular enough to get away with it, which Johnny Manziel is. Which 20-year old hot shit in this room is turning down that kind of action? That's what I thought.
Can't we all just reach back and remember what it was like to have everything in the palm of our hand and then go right ahead and piss it all away on trivial things? Doesn't anybody remember what it means to be young? Leave the kid alone. I'm sure he's gotten a chick pregnant by now anyways. Let the autograph thing go away.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Growing Old
Next month, well, exactly one month from today I will be turning 28.
That sucks.
But it sucks for weird reasons. I don't lose sleep over turning 28, I really don't. I might bitch and moan and complain that I'm getting old. And if it were medieval times, I'd be in trouble. But in modern times, and in the grand scheme of things, I still have seven years before I can run for President of the United States. So I got that going for me.
I guess what really concerns me, when we boil it down, is that I used to sleep soundly knowing that Dad had it. Strange noise at night? No worries, Dad will take care of it. I have trouble sleeping? Dad stays up later than me. I watched a scary movie? Dad will take advantage and exploit my fear. And he'd get his laugh in and then point out that it was only him and how gullible I was. And I hated that! I knew how ridiculous it was but yet he still got me...and I hated him for that!
My father did his own way, as I hope most fathers do, and there was no manual needed. And here I stand. I like to joke that my sarcasm and one-up-manship comes from my father and my need to help and hope the good guy wins comes from my mother and then it all comes together and forms my vary basic essence. And we all come from our own backgrounds. And my journalism background tells me to never start a sentence with and, yet I do it constantly, because I use a lot of commas too, and you shouldn't do that as well.
I guess becoming old just means that you miss all the shit you could pass off on your father. Now when there is a strange noise in my house, it either falls on my girlfriend, or our two under-ten pound dogs, or me. As much as I would love to throw the dogs out there and investigate, it falls to me. And it sounds weird but I sleep better knowing that I have my family's safety. I won't let any harm come to them and that makes me step up as a man.
But like I said, my parents came together in triumphant fashion to make me: a smart-talking, world-weary, freedom-fighting, good-natured, and just all around sad sonuvabitch, to sit here and talk to you guys. And I ask you guys tonight to not take advantage of anything your family gives you. Don't ever for a second think anything is eternal. Never sit there and assume you'll see them next year.
Take advantage of time. Relish all those times your father embarrassed you. Remember all those times your mother had your back when she really shouldn't have because you were a little shit. And never forget where you came from because that should be all you really care about.
No sports today, kiddos, just hold whatever family you have close.
That sucks.
But it sucks for weird reasons. I don't lose sleep over turning 28, I really don't. I might bitch and moan and complain that I'm getting old. And if it were medieval times, I'd be in trouble. But in modern times, and in the grand scheme of things, I still have seven years before I can run for President of the United States. So I got that going for me.
I guess what really concerns me, when we boil it down, is that I used to sleep soundly knowing that Dad had it. Strange noise at night? No worries, Dad will take care of it. I have trouble sleeping? Dad stays up later than me. I watched a scary movie? Dad will take advantage and exploit my fear. And he'd get his laugh in and then point out that it was only him and how gullible I was. And I hated that! I knew how ridiculous it was but yet he still got me...and I hated him for that!
My father did his own way, as I hope most fathers do, and there was no manual needed. And here I stand. I like to joke that my sarcasm and one-up-manship comes from my father and my need to help and hope the good guy wins comes from my mother and then it all comes together and forms my vary basic essence. And we all come from our own backgrounds. And my journalism background tells me to never start a sentence with and, yet I do it constantly, because I use a lot of commas too, and you shouldn't do that as well.
I guess becoming old just means that you miss all the shit you could pass off on your father. Now when there is a strange noise in my house, it either falls on my girlfriend, or our two under-ten pound dogs, or me. As much as I would love to throw the dogs out there and investigate, it falls to me. And it sounds weird but I sleep better knowing that I have my family's safety. I won't let any harm come to them and that makes me step up as a man.
But like I said, my parents came together in triumphant fashion to make me: a smart-talking, world-weary, freedom-fighting, good-natured, and just all around sad sonuvabitch, to sit here and talk to you guys. And I ask you guys tonight to not take advantage of anything your family gives you. Don't ever for a second think anything is eternal. Never sit there and assume you'll see them next year.
Take advantage of time. Relish all those times your father embarrassed you. Remember all those times your mother had your back when she really shouldn't have because you were a little shit. And never forget where you came from because that should be all you really care about.
No sports today, kiddos, just hold whatever family you have close.
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