Wednesday, December 20, 2017

The Revenge Of The Sith

I woke up this morning to the terrible news that I am no longer a baseball fan.

In a move that revered scientists couldn't even explain to me, the Tampa Bay Rays have traded Evan Longoria to the San Francisco Giants, effectively rendering anything they ever do again be pointless and terrible.  This is by far the stupidest move the Rays have ever done.

As a small market team, the biggest problem is trying to keep home grown talent and trying to not be a minor league team for a big market team.  Just ask the Miami Marlins how they feel about the New York Yankees right about now.  They just "traded" away their franchise player in Giancarlo Stanton to the Bronx for the equivalent of a ham sandwich, with now I whom sympathize with. (Marlins' fans, not the ham sandwich)

Does it really matter who you get in the trade?  The Marlins traded away their Barry Bonds.  The Rays traded away their Derek Jeter.  Could you imagine the New York Yankees trading away Derek Jeter?  No, you couldn't because you know it would never fucking happen!  Just as you knew that Jeter was the heart and soul of the Yankees, Longoria was the heart and soul of the Rays.  We just traded away the first thing that ever gave us any hope, that ever gave us any success, and that ever acted like the Rays could compete with the rest of the assholes.  Price was the shot to the gut, Maddon was the death sentence, and Longoria is the dirt on the casket.  It's over kids, we just traded our own son to somebody else.

You don't trade Longoria.  I can't believe that should have been a sign we had made up and put in the GM's office.  How do you not know that?  Why is there not somebody's job that all they do is stand around and as soon as someone says, "Well, why don't we trade Longoria?" and they quickly run over to that person and slap them as hard as they can directly in the face.  I would have paid that salary myself if I knew this day was coming.

I have no intentions of listening to any press conferences or statements from the team because it's all bullshit anyways.  You can not tell me that you were actively trying to make the team better by removing it's foundation.  You're trying to sell me a car without wheels and expecting me to jump in and take off.  It's not gonna work.  What the Hell is the point anymore?  If this wasn't the official stamp on the "We're Just A Breeding Ground For Four Other Cities" then I don't know what else to call it.  Hey kids, come play for the Rays and just maybe someday you'll actually be taken seriously and traded to San Fran, Boston, LA, or hell, maybe even New York!  I feel like I could angry vomit right now.

I just know that some San Franciscan is turning on ESPN right now and saying "Cool, that guy's a good pickup" and I'm over here updating my will but it's entirely accurate.  There's no angle to look at this and say it isn't devastating.  The people behind this deal are probably related to the architects of the Titanic and the Hindenburg.  I want to be able to say "Well, fuck you San Francisco" but it all reality it needs to be "Well, fuck you Tampa Bay!"  How could you not know?  How could you not know to not trade Longoria?

Oh dear God...they did know.  That means that they simply just didn't care.  They don't care what this means to me, and you, and everybody else like us.  Some men just like to watch the world burn.

Goodbye, Longo.  Goodbye, underdog.  Goodbye, baseball.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Cutler Did It

I'm not friends with the entire city of Chicago or Fox Sports's official.

You see, living in the Twilight Zone is weird.  On the one hand you keep getting completely random and unforeseen ridiculous crap thrown at you and on the other your morbid curiosity catches you and you wonder what's next.

What's next?  Jay Whatever-the-Hell-his-middle-name-is Cutler.  That's what's next for me.  I have Jay Cutler.  There's going to be Miami Dolphins jerseys made that have the name Cutler on the back and they won't be custom jerseys that Dave Cutler had to have made because he can't decide who his favorite Dolphin player is and if he's paying sixty bucks for it, then fuck it, what's twenty bucks more for the customized version?!

Kids, quick recap, last season the Miami Dolphins did just enough to beat shitty teams and had crawled out from that spot that's constantly kept in the dark on purpose to make that playoff game...that they quickly bowed out from.  I mean, Pittsburgh?  Can I fan-boy crush on them harder?!  We should have won that game.  We SHOULD have won that game.  But it's PITTSBURGH...and miami.  Whatever.  I'm not bitter.

The important part about our little trip down memory lane is that my favorite little fuzzby in the whole game, Ryan Tannehill, hurt his knee juuuuust enough to not need surgery but to make sure he had no part in that Steelers game.  Anyways, he doesn't get surgery, he drinks some tea, reads some tarot cards, and eats fish oil pills to heal his partially torn knee ligament.  Obviously I'm exaggerating because who the Hell doesn't get surgery in the NFL?!  They have access to the best health care system in the nation.  They go to the top surgeons in the United States for torn ligaments.  Notice how I didn't say 'heart transplants' or 'brain surgery' there.  They're pretty much the biggest players in the surgery game (cause I'm sure that exists) and yet...YET...Tannehill said, "Eh, I'll throw a few ice packs on it for the next five months and we'll see how I feel."

In the entire history of things being partially torn have you ever, ever, heard of one time...just ONE time that it reconnected itself together, you know, just cause?  That's a rhetorical question and in case you don't know what that means it means that I'm not waiting for your answer because it's irrelevant to me because I already know the answer.  It's no.  The answer is no.

So we go all through the summer and get to about the week before the preseason starts and guess what happens?  Tannehill crumples to the ground on a non-contact play in practice.  Wow.  Shocking!  I would have thought his knee would have regenerated new ligaments by now, I mean, he waited long enough, right?

Whichever doctor it inevitably came down to that said surgery was unnecessary was clearly drunk.  Was he unsure of what quarterbacks are expected to do?  They should, at the very least, be able to run.  There's not many paraplegic's out there huckin' the pigskin.  God forbid what would have happened to him had it been a tackle.  He might be picking out which prosthetic he thinks still makes him look the most human.

That's a bit dark, I apologize to all the stumps out there.

I'm rambling.  Anyways, I lose my fuzzby for the season and it finally dawns on the rest of the team that, 'Shit, we should probably find someone else to throw the ball, right?'  And I can imagine them saying this within earshot of Matt Moore who's been our backup quarterback for...ever...and all we seem to do is shit on the guy.

Tannehill's down?!  Whatever will we do?  Who do we get to play quarterback for us?  We better look at broadcasters!"  (Meanwhile, Matt Moore sits in the corner of a locker room crying ever so silently)

Enter the Cutler.  Which sounds like a parody of a classic Bruce Lee film but it's really the harbinger of doom of 2017 for the Miami Dolphins.  Before I tear it all to shreds, the reasoning for all of this is because Cutler's best year was with Adam Gase in Chicago.  Gase is now Miami's head coach and apparently he's the only one that knows Cutler.  He really knows him, you know?  You may think you know how to utilize Jay Cutler but you'll never know how to utilize him like Adam Gase!

Me?  Eh, I'm one of those weirdos that likes a little more of a time frame of statistics than one year.  Especially when you compare it to his entire body of work.  I mean, the guy is bound to have one best year, right?  What are the odds that it's because it was this other guy that really motivated him or taught him better than anybody else that ever did it before in the twenty something years before that he's been playing football?

Because, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but the guy has spent his entire life looking like he would rather be somewhere else.  A guy notorious for sitting out of key situations and never really giving a damn is worth chasing because once, a couple years ago, two guys captured lightning in a bottle? 


Meanwhile, the guy who should get the job is already on the team and doesn't have to be lured away from his broadcasting job from Fox Sports for $10 million!  If you told me I could get Dan Marino, at his peak, for one year at $10 million I wouldn't blink an eye.  If you told me I had my choice between Jay Cutler or Matt Moore, just how they are right now, for $10 million my last word would be Moore as I blew my brains out.  Ten million dollars for what?  Ten million dollars for pissing on our loyal and most likely source of success and retaining the rights to the guy that was about to be Fox Sports color commentator.  Cool.  I'm onboard.  Let's have a great season, fellas!

Jay Cutler has a body language that wonders why the martini selection wasn't as good as it was at that last art show.

Jay Cutler cares as much about the Miami Dolphins as he does about famine in Africa.

Jay Cutler is probably only in South Florida so he can finally find that rug that matches the curtains in his guest bedroom.

Jay Cutler is...the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins.

I just vomited all over the place.  I need help.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Meddling Kids

I was talking with Biscuits the other day and the conversation kind of went something like this:

You ever notice how time just seems to get away from you?  It's kind of scary of how quick it goes by, you know, because it's not like we can get more of it.  (That was me, by the way)

Yeah, time, one of life's ancient mysteries, just like Scooby Doo. (That was Biscuits)

Wait, what?

You know, Scooby Doo, he's one of the documentaries I watch.

Okay, first off, Scooby Doo is an animated character on a show meant for children and it itself is not an actual mystery--they solve mysteries that usually follow the same dynamic.


You didn't understand any of that, did you?


The dog and his team of weird teenagers solve mysteries that the police could solve in about two seconds because it's always some psycho adult dressed up as a monster.  It's not one of life's ancient mysteries--you know exactly what's going to happen each and every episode!  The only great mystery of it all is how it's managed to stay relevant for this long.

There you go. you think you just Jedi mind-tricked me into believing that Scooby Doo is one of life's ancient mysteries?


Damn it, Biscuits, I was trying to actually talk to you for once and yet again we ended up talking about nonsense!  Go back to the stable before I lose it!

Fine! And I'll watch all the Scooby Doo I want while I'm there!

There you have it.  That's the extent of our weird existential crisis/children's show conversation.  Granted I was having it with a unicorn who thinks that cartoons are documentaries that he watches in a stable but he had a good point about where I was going with my thought on time.  I mean, he probably just wanted me to watch Scooby Doo with him, but I took it as that time isn't some great mysterious force but as something that we can control, just like those grown ass people pretending to be ghosts in Scooby Doo.  Time is our creation and this is my time.

 Speaking of which, not much has changed during our last talk.  The NBA is still irrelevant because of no parity whatsoever that it's more fiscally sound for Las Vegas to post odds on Australian football.  I'm not even sure if Australian football is a thing, and if it is, then I'm not sure if it's rugby, football, or soccer, but anyways it's a better payout these days than the NBA.  The two guys all year long fighting for MVP and one averaging a triple double, James Harden and Russell Westbrook, are out.  The San Antonio Spurs, a perennial great team that looked great all this year, looks like junior varsity next to the Golden State Warriors.  Lebron James has to hear all year about how he's not Jordan and how shitty his team looks and that they're not cohesive together.  Yet the Warriors and the Cavaliers are undefeated in the playoffs and in their respective conference finals looking forward to Cavs v. Warriors III: This time it's...personal.

But it's really not.  The sports media did a really good job of telling us that the regular season mattered and here's some teams that we should really watch to make a move in the playoffs and I just threw up in my mouth.  If this is how the NBA is going to roll then we'll just have the Warriors and Cavaliers play 82 games against each other and if they end up going 41-41 then the tiebreaker will be all the players have to become insurance brokers for the rest of their lives.

Speaking of sports media, did you all see the purge at ESPN recently?  ESPN is reportedly hemorrhaging money and has decided that the best course of action is to get rid of anybody that viewers and readers follow at ESPN.  This is concurrent to a sinking ship and the captain yelling, "Quick, throw off all the life-jackets and signal flares!  We're sinking and need to save weight!"  Then the captain yelled, "Quick, throw the network to a live feed that we've been advertising for days for to Derek Jeter receiving a plaque in New York!"  None of these are good decisions.  I've always liked Derek Jeter...okay, I've always respected Derek Jeter but I thought it was a little ridiculous that a world-wide broadcasting network decided that during prime-time they would show the number retiring ceremony of one guy that played for one team.  I get what Jeter means to baseball, and he's a New York Yankee, and was always a good guy, and all this carries weight.  I get that.  But what does ESPN have to do with it?  There's lots of Yankees fans all over the world but there's mostly Yankees 'fans' all over the world.  They like the logo.  They like the pinstripes.  It's the only baseball team they ever heard of.  The numbers are skewed on the number of Yankees fans because of these reasons.  It's kind of like someone wearing Jordan's and not knowing who Michael Jordan is.  I know this.  Why doesn't the 'world-wide leader in sports'?

Well kids, it's good to chat again.  See you soon.  Float on, graceful swans.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

The Studly Seven

I usually reserve the nostalgic 'talk about life' posts for July but I skipped this year because as Biscuits told you, I've been on radio silence.

The unicorns have been displeased, to say the least, at my attitude lately.  They said, and they looked it up and everything, that I have been a "cantankerous old blowhard that has disconnected himself with the rest of society and is content to live a life in solitude."  As proud as I was that they were able to so eloquently deliver that speech I was also infuriated that they used the internet outside of the allotted fifteen minutes I give them each week.  If I don't set a strict limit they'll just keep facetiming randoms from Scotland because they think it's absolutely hilarious that they're the national animal of Scotland.  I'm not kidding.  That's real.

But they're also right.  I have been cantankerous.  As far as disconnect goes...well...they wouldn't be the first to accuse me of that.  All of that aside though, they do deserve better.  Especially Biscuits...

When Biscuits was born, a rainbow formed in the sky, per usual with every unicorn birth.  Unfortunately his mother passed away soon after giving birth and his biological father was never in the picture and that left the little unicolt in my vastly unprepared hands.  I mean that literally.  I should have worn gloves because he was covered in this weird goo.  When he opened his eyes the first living being he saw was me and thus began a daily struggle to become a single parent to a mythical horse with a horn in it's head.

It wasn't pretty in the beginning.  Biscuits had a depth perception problem for the first few months or so and basically every wall in the house had a hole in it.  He also had a big proclivity for crapping.  He crapped so much that I should have opened my own bakery.  I should probably explain that unicorns crap cupcakes.  They still smell like shit though.

When it came time to mold Biscuits into the image that I wished for myself by pushing him into contact sports he looked me dead in the eye and said, "No, Dad, I want to be a writer."  My heart sank.  A writer?!  Nobody has ever accomplished anything by writing.  Writing sucks because it requires a partner.  You need somebody to read it.  Without anybody reading it, it just becomes words in the air...or the internet, lodged between weird tentacle porn and cheap hotel fares.  As much as I tried to deflect Biscuits on his fruitless life path...the boy continued on.  Despite the hooves he's somehow managed to overcome and be able to use keyboards quite effectively.  It probably has something to do with the magic powers that they're born with.

He's entered several writing competitions over the years and has never come close to winning.  Most of his entries are ramblings on rainbows and where to eat the best grass and how to accessorize head wear with a large spiral growth coming out of your head and the people don't seem to really connect with that.  But there he sits at the computer, mashing away with his hooves, and smiling the whole time.  People can be quite rude and I feel the need to protect him but he won't let me stop him.  I guess...I'm proud.  His resilience against such odds is inspiring.  He makes me want to be a better person.

Like the unicorns said, I've been cantankerous.  I really don't have a reason other than...I'm over it.  It.  Everything.  And then I look at Biscuits and see him just devastating the keyboard on the computer with his hooves, writing complete nonsense about stuff no real person cares about, and yet he just keeps mashing away.  It's inspiring.

Tomorrow is Biscuits' seventh birthday.  I think I'm going to take him to Key West to let him piss on the tree that Hemingway used to piss on.  He deserves it.  What better way to celebrate a birthday than honoring a piss monument from one of the greatest cantankerous writer's of all-time?

Happy seven years, Biscuits, happy seven years Studly Pastures, and happy seven years kids for still reading this nonsense that I just mash away at the keyboard.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Is Arby's Hiring?

This year has been marred with a lot of tragedies and I for one could use some good news for a change.

What's that?

The New York Yankees are telling Alex Rodriguez that his last baseball game will be Friday?!  And he's accepting this as the end?!

Look, if this is some sort of sick joke I need to know right now because I have been saving these balloons and confetti for a long, long time and I don't want to waste them on a ruse.

So it's real?  It's really real?!


The Yankees are going to release him into a 'supervisor' position but that's just fancy talk for how they would rather pay him $21 million dollars to still have to wake up early every morning and fight the traffic just like the rest of us.  Baseball contracts are guaranteed, no matter what, so of course the Yankees are going to give A-Rod one last 'go fuck yourself.'

Personally?  I would line a room with unmarked checks and release a squad of golden retriever puppies into that room and I would sleep well at night knowing that every cent of that twenty-one million had some sort of dog doo on it.  That's what he deserves.  Dog doo money.

The weird thing about the whole situation is that the Yankees called the press conference and he agreed to go, knowing full well what the conference was about, and delivered his own eulogy, and he's still going to play on Friday for his last game.

What's the point?  I am so confused.

The only legitimate box score he should have for that game is HBP (3).  I say that because old boy's last game will be house!  The Tampa Bay Rays host the New York Yankees for Alex Rodriguez's last game and I hope we hit him with the ball every...SINGLE...TIME.  It's the perfect retirement gift.  No moment in the sun for him.  Not even a Ray.  (That was pretty clever, right?)

If you've read this blog for a while you've known for quite some time that I hate Alex Rodriguez and Cole Hamels aside he's my least favorite baseball player.  It's because he's the anti-Griffey Jr.  You were so gifted that you could have landed in the stars but you were friends, or "cousins", with the wrong people and your own ego got the best of you and you cheated.  You cheated, lied about cheating, felt the noose tightening, gave an interview about how you were cheating, got suspended for the most amount of time that any baseball player had been suspended for, got that lengthy suspension reduced to just a year, and then came back after that year.  Alex Rodriguez is so illegitimate when it comes to just about anything that I don't doubt that he's absolutely lost right now.  What the Hell is he supposed to do when everything he's ever done is a lie?

Everybody knew it too.  New York threw a year long celebration for Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez gets a day in Tampa.  The best part is that Jeter got a kayak from Tampa for retiring and A-Rod will probably get gonorrhea from Ybor city as his parting gift.  And this God is cruel and unforgiving and I couldn't agree with Him more.

I went Old Testament for Alex Rodriguez but that's all he gets.  Look, if all your life you were told you were going to be the greatest baseball of all time and you went out and played baseball and said to yourself, "Holy shit, they're right!" and then worked your ass off for years and years and your self-esteem was so low that when people said "Yep, you're great, but what if you could be better with this illegal drug?!" and you said "Sign me up!"  Then I just don't know...

There's a very good possibility that Alex Rodriguez is just an idiot.  But he's not an idiot.  He thinks we're the idiots, so much so that he's convinced of it enough to jointly give a press conference that wasn't his cutting from the team but it really was at the same time and embrace his last game that takes place more than a week later.  And sometimes sociopaths play sports instead of taking up weapons.

By the way, I'm kidding.  Alex Rodriguez definitely has gonorrhea already and won't have to rubber up when he's in Ybor.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

The Future

The Future is dying, my friends, and that's not a euphemism.

The Future in this instance is the Central Florida Future and it's where I got my start...and seeing as how this is where I will end I doubt I will be asked to give any formal eulogies but hey, maybe some people better than me are double booked!

You see kids, the first newspaper I ever wrote for, my college paper, is being shut down by the man, and man, am I really starting to hate that guy!  This August the fourth shall be the last publication of the means to my voice and that really sucks for a whole huge amount of reasons but because I'm self-centered I'll only talk about why it affects me.

This newspaper spring-boarded me to other newspapers which in turn spring-boarded me to other newspapers and they in turn spring-boarded me into jobs I was clearly not ready for but I can bullshit with the best of them and this in turn led to my existential crisis and I freaked out and landed on a unicorn stud farm.  All of that is true except for the very last part.

I was a God with this paper if only for the fact that when I showed up to an event and someone would ask, "Who are you?" I got to answer, "I'm from the Future."  I would then wait for them to tremble in fear and then say something along the lines of, "You know, the newspaper, that's how I got down here."

And now for some qualifiers...

Okay, first off, this was about twelve years ago, secondly I was a sports reporter, and thirdish, the landscape of UCF athletics a decade ago was VASTLY different.  When I went to UCF they were national cheer-leading.  That's not a joke, stop laughing, you're the ones making this awkward!

My first beats were track and women's tennis.  Track...and women's tennis.  I didn't exactly leap into Pulitzer territory with those two but it did teach me to be creative.  Then came women's soccer and women's basketball.  If you're starting to think I went to an all girls' school, sadly I did not.  It just so happened that I got all the girl sports and I really didn't mind.  Wink, wink, of course I didn't mind...

It's not like that though.  At the time I was there the girls' teams were the ones you wanted to cover if you wanted to cover a winner.  I told you I wasn't joking about the cheer-leading thing.  And also, and this is entirely my personal opinion from my experience so please don't picket my house, but the female athletes I encountered were more willing to actually talk about the game/match/meet instead of most of the male athletes I encountered.

The better story in sports has and always will be what was accomplished by all and not by one and I think women get this a Hell of a lot better than men do.

My writing career, and everything ever after, including this blog, owes a great deal to the Central Florida Future and the fact that it won't be around to see me turn 31 means that I'll just have to go a present short this year.  DO YOU SEE HOW I COPE WITH PAIN?!  

It was fun to reminisce with you kids about the old days one last time...I guess I'll get back to shoveling unicorn poop into a large mound unto a vastly smaller wheelbarrow that's just begging for trouble...sigh...

Friday, July 15, 2016


Greetings and salutations, this is, sorry, Dad has called me Biscuits enough to make it stick.

I wanted to reach out to the fans of the Studly Pastures and explain that Dad has gone into what he likes to call 'radio silence.'  I don't get it either but it's not because of my smaller unicorn-sized brain but because this isn't the radio.

Normally this time of year is awesome around here and we're partying like it's nobody's business and I've never understood that human phrase because what happens at a party that people aren't supposed to know about?  Anyways, it's normally our anniversary around here and we should be celebrating the start of our seventh year as a unicorn stud farm but instead Dad is being a jerk and just sulking around the place.

He hasn't been writing since some guy named Patton Merning decided to be a 'nutsack-dropping, Oreo-loving, human excuse for a forehead' somewhere else instead of the NFL.  At least that's what Dad says, but I don't know that guy.  And before that...well...we were really upset about some bad stuff that happened in the Motherland.

But we're better now because we understand things a little better now.  You see, as unicorns, we are really good at understanding things about life and love and pretty colors and cool things like grass and rainbows.  It was hard for us before because we did not understand why anybody would want to hurt anybody else.  We're not very smart, mostly due to this large, spiraled growth coming out of our heads, but we try to learn as best we can and Dad helps us.  He says that people hurt other people because they're 'dumb dumbs and not very nice at all.'  He also taught me how to use this 'quote thingy'.

Anyways, Dad is pretty upset, and he has been for a while and we've all been trying to cheer him up.  We asked him if he wanted to go see the Miami Dolphins play where we live next month and he said, "Why the Hell would I pay money to sit in the hot sun and watch 53 jerks be terrible at their job?"  So then we said we would take him to a baseball game and he said, "Hello?  Do you guys even listen to the news at all?  The Rays are terrible again.  Welcome to every year before 2008!"

Dad yells a lot...not at us...but around us.  He's been carrying on a lot lately about the 'NBA has effectively made itself as irrelevant as the NHL due in large part to how the collective bargaining agreement was wool pulled over the commissioner's eyes.'  He's also been really big on some guy named Dave or Tease?  I'm not sure but he said that, "Dave or Tease's retiring year campaign is completely superficial because we all know he's a cheater but he hit those home runs that sparked the comeback for Boston in that ALCS that brought in huge ratings already and Big Baseball was freaking out because New York was up 3-0 and if they swept they wouldn't have been able to rake in the millions, and millions, and muellllliioooonnns they raked in because Boston came back and...gasp...gasp...I'm sorry for yelling but it makes me angry that we glorify someone simply because they say I can't play baseball next year."  I think I nailed that.  It's a long paragraph for someone with hooves.

He's getting better though I think.  Yesterday was our holiday and he said we would go to the park but when he came home from work he just went right into his room.  I hope he's okay.

I guess I liked all the stories and I was sad that they weren't coming anymore so I wanted to jump in here and see who was still around.  I hope they come back.

I hope you're okay.