A For Effort, A-Fraud

I have mentioned Alex Rodriguez exactly twice in the entire four years that I've been blogging on a unicorn stud farm.  The latest time was two months ago when the Biogenesis case first broke open and I declared that the hammer was about to fall.  And, of course, the first time was just out of being completely done with Rodriguez as a person in your heroes suck.

And today I learned how to link to my own posts.

Well the hammer has fallen on ARod and MLB has suspended him for 211 games, effective today.  Unfortunately this is one of those cases where due process sucks balls because the guy you are dealing with is such an incredible asshole that he doesn't even recognize when it's finally time to go quietly into the night.  He's appealed the suspension and I guess because the arbitrator in the case has a firm stick up his ass because the appeal might not be decided until DECEMBER.  Meanwhile, the jerk gets to play baseball games.

Okay, I get it, there's a lot to soak in.  You have to find Tony Bosch, resident weasel and leak to the Biogenesis lab, a credible and worthy witness.  That's going to be tough to do considering I wouldn't trust Bosch to make me a ham sandwich and have it not contain some sort of incriminating evidence.  Then after all of that you have to wade through a mile of paperwork that may or may not be fabricated.

With that said, the man in question is Alex Rodriguez.  You know that old childhood riddle where your mom, your best friend, and the girl you love are stranded on the road and you are driving a car that only has room for two people?  Well ARod's answer is to just keep driving and only slow down long enough so that all three of them can see his middle finger.

I've heard that ARod refuses to pee in the shower because he would rather bottle it up and drink it later because unlike Snapple, it's made from the greatest stuff on Earth.

When John Wayne Gacy, convicted of sexually assaulting and killing young boys, was put to death by lethal injection his final words were, "Hey, at least I'm not Alex Rodriguez!"

Okay, okay, this got out of control rather quickly.  MOST of these things didn't happen but the basic principle remains the same and that's Alex Rodriguez is a terrible human being.

Thanks to the New York Yankees being awesome contract negotiators ARod only has to hit 13 more home runs to make a $6 million bonus.  You can see his initiative for appealing and trying to play this year.  Oh he's come out and said how he's trying to fight for his life and be a good role model for his daughters but it's all bullshit.  He wants that money.

Here's what's going to happen: ARod's suspension will hold, MLB will make sure of it.  This is Bud Selig's swan song and pinnacle moment of his legacy and after they got Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez became the poster child of this whole ordeal.  This one's not getting away.

So after the suspension he'll be over 40 with a bum hip and out of baseball for almost two full years.  He'll probably come back and try to play but it will end up really sad and pathetic, just like Derek Jeter, except nobody will feel bad for him like they do Jeter because ARod has always been the scum of the Earth.

This is how it ends, kids, and the way that he's swinging these days he'll be hard pressed to hit 13 homers in the 49 or so games that the Yankees have left because they ain't making the post season this year.  This is the end of Alex Rodriguez, and like so many public sports figures, he can try and delay the inevitable by appealing and fighting in court but the one thing he cannot stop is time.  That will be his, yours, and my death blow.  Time.

Time is a mean son of a bitch and not even a slippery ass bag like Alex Rodriguez can escape it.  Good luck hitting 13, douche.

The Hammer To Fall

Well hello there, Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Braun, how nice to see you again!

And I only greet you so warmly because you are the first...and most expected.  I can't wait for the others.

Kids, take notice, this is what happens when you make your personal foundation out of balsa wood.  As much as I think (know) that Bud Selig is a figure-head and that Major League Baseball is more of a "Aw crap, we shouldn't have done that" instead of a "Hey, here's things we should look out for" type of business, I do have to give them the credit that in this dark time for the sport they WILL NOT subject new youth to the same poison that fell in love with them before the steroids era.

I truly believe that they have forsaken the reasons that they got into trouble to begin with and are now on the path to...eh, somewhat redemption.  Witch-hunt?  Of course.  Hammer is falling, need scape-goats?  Check.  But do I think MLB is on the right track?  Absolutely.

I was a kid when McGwire and Sosa were challenging each other for the season home run title and I was captivated.  Then I was a teenager when whispers came out about that maybe they weren't doing it just themselves.  Then I found myself pursuing a career in sports journalism.  Thanks to them?  No, not even.  This piece is not even meant to be nostalgic.  I went down the path of sports journalism because of my mother, so forward all emails to her.

I'm rambling, I'm not supposed to, but the point is that I watched the rise and the "rise" and the fall.  And the supposed "rise" from that fall.  But we've been falling for a long time, they've just been waiting to finally nail the last dirt bags.  Well, kids, I think we got 'em.

Tony Bosch, the ring-leader behind the whole Miami-based PED (really? you don't know what this means? fine...it's performance enhancing drug, you big weirdo) is going to comply with federal investigators and implicate long time expected PED (see above) users and finally give them their just desserts.

Careful, let's not get ahead of ourselves just like, for example, ESPN.  Calm down, ESPN, you are drooling.  Relax a bit.

Tony Bosch is the equivalent to that guy on the Sopranos that denies and denies and is finally pinched by the feds and all of a sudden has all this information.  Not exactly a reliable source, probably just some guy looking out for his own two bits.

Tony Bosch will end up being the legal nail in the coffin but haven't we already had enough?  Do we really still look at A-Rod's home runs and legitimately nod our heads?  When Ryan Braun's test came back "inconclusive" and he avoided suspension, did we assume he was innocent?  No.  Not even close.  Major League Baseball and steroids is a slippery slope.  It doesn't matter what has been proven, it matters if your name is on the list or not.

Where have I heard this before?

McCarthyism aside, here are some facts:

1. There are baseball players that have been accused of using PEDs that have denied it.
2. There are baseball players that haven't been accused of using PEDs that are using PEDs.
3. There are baseball players that have been accused of using PEDs that aren't using them.
4. There are baseball players that haven't been accused of using PEDs that aren't using them.

Let's put aside the fear tactics.  A-Rod, Braun, and whomever else they so choose to go after, are they dirty?  Probably.  Maybe.  I think so.

How dumb would you feel though?  I mean, not necessarily with A-Rod, because he's done everything in his power to show you he has terrible judgement...but Braun?  Braun has gone out of his way to prove his innocence.  He found loop holes in the PED test for crying out loud* (*author's discretion, not viable to being sued by Ryan Braun...or his lawyers...dammit...it doesn't matter, he'll find a loop hole).

A-Rod plays for the Yankees, he's clearly evil!  He's smacking you in the face with it like he is trying to smack a baseball out of the glove of Bronson Arroyo.  (Bronson Arroyo just smiled somewhere.)

Ryan Braun plays for the Brewers!  The damn Milwaukee Brewers!  What's his angle!?  "Maybe they won't see me up here. - Ryan Braun"

I don't get it.  What I do get is that for every sport and for every hero you have cheaters and loop holes and maybe we've nailed two of the biggest and maybe we haven't.  And I'm sad.  I mentioned it in an earlier post how little league world series kids announce A-Rod as their favorite baseball player and it makes me have to stifle my vomit while I'm watching ESPN2 and First Take isn't even on.

And maybe when we're young we just pick our heroes not knowing whether they stand for good or evil but because in our eyes that's the biggest person we can see.  And as we grow, so do our visions with them, and our dreams and all of a sudden we see like them.

And that's how cults get started.  A-Rod and Braun are dirty, kids, go out and play tee-ball.