Quick! When's the last time you were filling out a job application and you looked down and saw the box asking you the question, "Do you like girls? Check Yes or No"?
Well if you are applying to be in the National Football League, this is a hot-button issue, and we have reason to believe you cannot adequately fulfill your football duties if you are not interested in females.
Sure, you can run fast as hell and you're stronger than a horse that drank milk for ten years (just run with it) but do you get excited when you see breasts? Because you better. They're breasts for Christ sakes, what's wrong with you?
And if you don't, you better freakin' lie! This is a macho business filled with macho men that slap each other's asses and shower together on a daily basis and we don't want anybody getting the wrong idea around here!
So at the NFL combine, Colorado tight end Nick Kasa said that several teams probed him on his sexual orientation. Wait, tight end? What the hell is this? The National Fairy League!? Burn him! And they probed him? All this innuendo is suppressing my ability to like breasts. I need some air.
The greatest part about all of this is the fantasy world that the NFL is living in. The NFL very clearly doesn't want gay people to play in their sport. They're a fraternity that's run by a bunch of dinosaurs that are from a very different time and refuse to adjust with the rest of the waking world. Hopefully things will change once these naive sons of bitches start kicking the bucket but for now we're stuck with things like this. But I mention fantasy world because I find it absolutely hilarious that their solution to their "problem" is to simply ask them if they like girls.
So maybe they aren't a bunch of fogey hate-mongerers...they're just middle schoolers, apparently.
Well, bad news NFL, there's flaws in your system. Players have come out after their NFL days and declared that they are gay. They like to kiss boys and something tells me that didn't magically happen one day they woke up in their forties. They were probably gay in the NFL too.
But I don't understand. How did we not notice the subtleties? Were there not signs? Did they not seem to really, really want to tackle somebody...a little too much? Did they not give pregame speeches straight from West Side Story? Did they not find the alternate uniforms to be too much of a color clash?
When this story broke, I read it, and promptly thought, "That's about right." I'm not shocked by the NFL anymore. I'm not shocked that a business that runs itself like a fraternity doesn't want homosexuals. I'm not shocked that it's 2013 and this is still happening because its probably always going to happen.
Nine out of ten people will read this and think that it's absolutely ludicrous. And one person will think it's absolutely status quo and the cycle will repeat itself. You can take this article and every time I wrote NFL and replace it with either: military, public schools, government, organised crime, etc. and it will still be applicable.
I knew growing up that we lived in a world predicated by breasts. I covet them like Gollum from Lord of the Rings...they're...my...precious. I guess I just never realized that I'm capable of doing my job correctly because of my love of breasts.
Time to update the ol' resume.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Everything Falls Apart
Where have I been?
I've been hiding.
The renaissance is over and all that's left is the trash and glitter in the streets and the hangover and regret in the bed sheets.
I hate this. I hate every second of this. Every time I turn on the news or log on to ESPN.com I find myself with yet another bitter taste in my mouth. And it's never, ever remotely sane or in the grasp of my realm of understanding.
Oscar Pistorius, the dual-amputee Olympian that competed just recently in London has been accused of shooting and killing his girlfriend. A guy, that they call 'Blade Runner' (not making this up), who has non-biological parts attached to his body (not making this up), has been accused of murder...after he made the Olympics (not making this up) and competed against able-bodied Olympians.
Note 1: There have been many times in this blog where I wished I could have retracted something that didn't turn out the way I hoped it would or quite simply times where I just sound stupid and I wished it would go away but for the sake of whatever back-alley journalism I think this is, I never changed it. And I just want to say, "Thank Karma God that I never wrote some really inspirational piece on Oscar Pistorius and how he's showing us two-legged folks up and what an inspiration he is to handicapped people everywhere...and yadda, yadda, yadda." At least I don't have that egg on my face. Suck it, CNN.
But, in all seriousness, are you fucking kidding me? This happened? He was the flag bearer for South Africa in the closing ceremonies for Christ sakes!
Look, I've never sought out South Africa as the pinnacle of human analysis, but to distinguish one man as the FLAG BEARER of your country, you would think you would take the time to make sure that he wasn't...hmm...I don't know...a MURDERER!
Note 2: The trial hasn't even started yet, and probably won't for some time, and us citizens won't know exactly what happened until Pistorius stands trial in South Africa (that should be pretty rough) and even then who are WE to pass judgement. I put a period at the end of that question because it was rhetorical and I think we are more than qualified to pass judgement on scumbags.
I'm this passionate and at the end of the day I could probably give two shits about this guy. He's never been MY role model...but I'm sure he's been somebody's. I'm sure he's inspired somebody to do something they probably wouldn't have done by themselves...and now they feel like an enormous asshole. And I feel for them. That's where I come in. I'm always an enormous asshole.
It takes tremendous courage to stand up against all odds, against the over-whelming wave of resistance, and boldly stand like a pillar of defiance and do something nobody on the planet thought you were even capable of. It also takes courage to know that all men are created equal and all men are susceptible to faults on the simplest of levels, such as getting mad. It takes a lifetime to build a kingdom and a day to burn it.
This man didn't gain some sort of societal free pass because of his disability. His disability, which was a birth defect, caused his two legs to be amputated just below the knees. Nobody gives you a "Hey man, do what you want" pass for that. Naive people treat you like a invalid, guilty people treat you like a charity case, and good people ask how they can help. There's no such thing as a 'get out of jail free' card.
Where do we go from here? Well, frankly, not very far. I can only do so much. I can simply tell the people of the world that your (non-fictional) heroes of the world are mortal. They are susceptible to mortal flaws. They are PRONE to let you down. There is no such thing as a model human being.
There isn't.
Do you know why? The answer is simple...and fairly dark. Everywhere you would think to look for the model human being is corrupted. Boy Scouts, politics, Catholic Church...etc. The precedent has been set. But I wasn't misleading you. The answer is quite simple.
Every time you are faced with a decision, ask yourself this question, "Will this ruin or even maim someone's life?"
It's really that simple, morons. Stop believing everything you hear. Including this.
I've been hiding.
The renaissance is over and all that's left is the trash and glitter in the streets and the hangover and regret in the bed sheets.
I hate this. I hate every second of this. Every time I turn on the news or log on to ESPN.com I find myself with yet another bitter taste in my mouth. And it's never, ever remotely sane or in the grasp of my realm of understanding.
Oscar Pistorius, the dual-amputee Olympian that competed just recently in London has been accused of shooting and killing his girlfriend. A guy, that they call 'Blade Runner' (not making this up), who has non-biological parts attached to his body (not making this up), has been accused of murder...after he made the Olympics (not making this up) and competed against able-bodied Olympians.
Note 1: There have been many times in this blog where I wished I could have retracted something that didn't turn out the way I hoped it would or quite simply times where I just sound stupid and I wished it would go away but for the sake of whatever back-alley journalism I think this is, I never changed it. And I just want to say, "Thank Karma God that I never wrote some really inspirational piece on Oscar Pistorius and how he's showing us two-legged folks up and what an inspiration he is to handicapped people everywhere...and yadda, yadda, yadda." At least I don't have that egg on my face. Suck it, CNN.
But, in all seriousness, are you fucking kidding me? This happened? He was the flag bearer for South Africa in the closing ceremonies for Christ sakes!
Look, I've never sought out South Africa as the pinnacle of human analysis, but to distinguish one man as the FLAG BEARER of your country, you would think you would take the time to make sure that he wasn't...hmm...I don't know...a MURDERER!
Note 2: The trial hasn't even started yet, and probably won't for some time, and us citizens won't know exactly what happened until Pistorius stands trial in South Africa (that should be pretty rough) and even then who are WE to pass judgement. I put a period at the end of that question because it was rhetorical and I think we are more than qualified to pass judgement on scumbags.
I'm this passionate and at the end of the day I could probably give two shits about this guy. He's never been MY role model...but I'm sure he's been somebody's. I'm sure he's inspired somebody to do something they probably wouldn't have done by themselves...and now they feel like an enormous asshole. And I feel for them. That's where I come in. I'm always an enormous asshole.
It takes tremendous courage to stand up against all odds, against the over-whelming wave of resistance, and boldly stand like a pillar of defiance and do something nobody on the planet thought you were even capable of. It also takes courage to know that all men are created equal and all men are susceptible to faults on the simplest of levels, such as getting mad. It takes a lifetime to build a kingdom and a day to burn it.
This man didn't gain some sort of societal free pass because of his disability. His disability, which was a birth defect, caused his two legs to be amputated just below the knees. Nobody gives you a "Hey man, do what you want" pass for that. Naive people treat you like a invalid, guilty people treat you like a charity case, and good people ask how they can help. There's no such thing as a 'get out of jail free' card.
Where do we go from here? Well, frankly, not very far. I can only do so much. I can simply tell the people of the world that your (non-fictional) heroes of the world are mortal. They are susceptible to mortal flaws. They are PRONE to let you down. There is no such thing as a model human being.
There isn't.
Do you know why? The answer is simple...and fairly dark. Everywhere you would think to look for the model human being is corrupted. Boy Scouts, politics, Catholic Church...etc. The precedent has been set. But I wasn't misleading you. The answer is quite simple.
Every time you are faced with a decision, ask yourself this question, "Will this ruin or even maim someone's life?"
It's really that simple, morons. Stop believing everything you hear. Including this.
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