Ok, kids, let's have a little fun today.
I know a lot of you are looking forward to the Super Bowl on Sunday and there's a large population of you that are doing so with no regard for football.
The Super Bowl is an event, the pomp and circumstance is so big that it attracts even non sports fans.
A big part of this is due to the highly touted Super Bowl commercial slots.
Big companies will spend upwards of three million dollars on thirty second spots so these commercials are generally the cleverest and funniest of the bunch.
Being a journalism major, which is essentially a skip away from a marketing major, I figured I would lend some ideas to these companies looking to make the water cooler conversations come Monday morning. I figured there had to be some at least a few CEO's that read the Studly Pastures...
1. UGLY CHICKS
Ok, first off, everybody is doing hot chicks these days, so in order to really stick out from the rest of the crowd, you should really jam pack your commercial with dog-faced women. Beautiful women are stunning, so stunning that you might actually confuse your consumers with what you are actual peddling. People will remember something so awful that it sears into their brain. Memory is key, and ugly chicks will help you achieve that.
2. C-LIST CELEBRITIES
You're gonna need an endorsement from somebody with real credibility to sell your product. The key here though, is to not go too big. A-listers come off as pompous and untouchable entities...not real people. B-listers try too hard to bridge the gap to A-listers. We need to go C-level here. Ashton Kutcher pitches me a camera, I'm not interested. Ashton Kutcher is a douche bag. The guy who played Puddy on Seinfeld mentions the word "Arby's" and I'm headed out the door for a roast beef sandwich. It's that simple.
3. CUDDLY ANIMALS
This one is essentially a no-brainer. Women, even the cold, heartless ones, will slit a man's throat to save a puppy. The best commercials that people will remember will have a puppy in them. For extra points, dress it up in some little costume like a little lab coat with a tiny stethoscope and have it be named Dr. Piddles. Perfect. Word of advice though, limit the puppy count to under three. If you overdue it, things can get messy.
4. CATCHPHRASE
This is the money maker right here, the golden goose. You get your C-lister celebrity to wink at the camera and yell something like, "Slammy Whammy!" and you're good to go. It doesn't have to make any sort of sense, in fact, it's probably better if it doesn't. I guarantee you, you won't make it through Monday without hearing like seven people yell "Slammy Whammy" in your daily routine.
So there you have it. All you need to do is have Patrick Warburton come out holding the product you are trying to sell, he mentions how it's doctor suggested, turns to Dr.Piddles for his recommendation, makes out with ugly woman, winks at camera, and yells "Slammy Whammy."
Instant gratification.
