We're back and it's been recently brought to my attention that we're not supposed to take it anymore. So for those of you that have been still taking it you can go ahead and not take it anymore. Thank you.
I'd like to consider myself a fair guy. I don't think I have unreasonable expectations where I hope that my favorite sports team doesn't do anything to completely embarrass me and if and when that happens I won't just spray cologne over it and pretend it's not there.
The Miami Dolphins have spent the better part of the last year trying to convince us it was just a cold sore and now we finally have admission that it's full blown herpes. Joe Philbin seems like a nice enough guy to buy sweaters from but when you let your own employees harass each other in a myriad of ways and don't claim ownership of that then one of two things should happen. The first is you're lying and should be fired. The second is you have no control of your own employees and should be fired.
However, the Miami Dolphins embrace the lifestyles we have here in the Twilight Zone and let Philbin go out there in his nice, non-confrontational button down shirt and swear that from now on we really, really won't let people treat other people like they're not actual human beings. Good on them.
Okay faceless entities, a proposition: I will write the Studly Pastures until the Miami Dolphins win a Super Bowl or I meet my untimely demise. So the deal is that unless I die or the Dolphins win the Super Bowl, the SP will continue on. You game? You actually have no choice. I've already decided. The last post I ever write for the SP will be the Dolphins' Super Bowl victory or something really stupid because I died shortly after that. It's the ultimate game of internet chicken.
Enough about that crap, let's talk about some Olympics crap. It seems to me that for some reason before the last three days that Americans thought we could beat Canadians in hockey. Really? I know most of you like to brush off Canada little-brother style but if there is one thing that they nailed down and really made 'their thing' it's hockey.
I know here in America we have to concern ourselves with trivial things like keeping the rest of the world in order but in Canada they don't have that problem. They just sit up there and play hockey until we tell them to do something.
In all seriousness though, our national women's hockey team choked and in further seriousness, I was hoping I would never have to mention women's hockey. Two goal lead, third period, and closing minutes...and you lose? I'm not insinuating that this wouldn't happen to men because I watch American soccer and it happens all the time but come on! You'se had 'em! You'se had 'em!!!
It's okay, girls. The World Cup is five months away and the Summer Olympics is two years away and the word 'Canada' will be irrelevant for all of that.
Finally, I have to end with Derek Jeter. The Yankee short-stop is retiring after this upcoming season and to me that's the right decision. Jeter announcing his retirement is like a race horse being put down after breaking it's leg...except the horse is pulling the trigger. Jeter is showing something rare in athletes like him that have spent most of his career in the spotlight and in the center of attention: the ability to know when it's time to walk away.
Somewhere on a farm in Mississippi, Brett Favre is re-enacting the entire plot of Necessary Roughness--the movie, not the show, have some class.
Jeter will always be for me that iconic athlete that I miss because I knew I was getting old. Ken Griffey Jr. was the man when I was a kid but he was injury prone and didn't have the staying power. Jeter has had his fair share of injuries but it wasn't until recent years that injuries really got to him. Even as a Rays fan it's hard not to see Jeter at short-stop for the Yankees. After going through the fanfare last year with Mariano retiring it should be safe to assume that the Captain will get the same treatment.
I can only hope that in his last at-bat he's pulled for a pinch-hitting Bernie Williams. That'd be amazing. I love baseball and I love the fact that I care about a rival teammate retiring. Sigggghhhh.
I guess in a way, kids, I have announced my own retirement. One way or another, the Studly will end either with my death or a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl victory. I wish Vegas would calculate these odds for me because I could walk out my door tomorrow and get hit by a bus but the Dolphins can't win the Super Bowl tomorrow.
So I guess the only thing left to do is live life to the fullest, right? In the immortal words from Robert Loggia from Necessary Roughness, "YOU TEAR THEIR F****** HEADS OFF AND SHIT DOWN THEIR NECKS!" "Let us pray."
Float on, graceful swans.
Showing posts with label Sochi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sochi. Show all posts
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Gay Olympics
On February 7 the 2014 Winter Olympics will kick off in Sochi, Russia, despite several hitches in the gait, if you will.
For starters, there's a bunch of security concerns and several American competitors have told their families to stay home for fear of a terrorist attack. In fact, Al-Qaeda (which has become the Westboro Baptist Church of terrorism and just can't let a single event go by without a terrorist threat) has already warned about possible attacks at the games.
This was only taken into concern when the first athlete arrived at the airport and said, "Oh shit, we're actually doing this in Russia?"
All kidding aside, outside of their prisons, security is pretty lax in Russia just because if you do something you're going to go to Russian prison and that normally is enough to have ne'er-do-wells rethink themselves. FUN FACT: Some Russian prisons have bear-dogs as guards. BEAR...DOGS. They're basically dogs the size of bears that also look and act like bears...so bears. Their line of defense is bears! How ridiculously crazy is that?!
Of course a symbol of peace and friendly competition would be a target for terrorism...of course. Look, potential terrorists of the world, leave the games alone. Isn't it enough that they have to be in Russia? Besides, bombing the Winter Olympics is like trying to assassinate the Vice President--what are you doing? I mean, our best Winter Olympian is Shaun White and he pretty much spends his time drinking Red Bulls and smoking marijuana...of course, you could say that about our best Summer Olympian too but that's not the point! Nobody thinks you're tough for beating up the smallest kid in school and that was the note that my mom always used to put in my lunch box just in case I got beat up that day.
Keep in mind, before we head to my next segment, that I have a large readership for some reason in Russia. I know I joked about it a couple of posts ago but it's actually true. I think they like my no-nonsense approach to hard-hitting topics. With that said...
The other major issue revolving around the Sochi games is that Russia doesn't seem to care for gay people all too much. Homosexuality, that's still a hot button issue? Huh. Weeeeirrrrd. Anyways, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law back in June that's basically a ban on propaganda of "nontraditional sexual relations" so no 'under the covers' or 'lights off' stuff, kids. Many people take this as discrimination against gays but I think Ol' Pooty just had a bad run in with a tranny at a Russian vodka bar. Grudges don't die easy!
But wait...there's more! Most of the countries that are attending the games aren't nearly as narrow-minded as our snow-blind friends to the East and have come out (zing) against the Russian law. The United States is even sending our own resident lesbian and sports icon, Billy Jean King, to represent us and act as an ambassador of sorts. And Ol' Pooty better watch out because the USA doesn't send in the Notorious B.J.K. unless we're ready for an all out knock 'em down, drag 'em out war! Not even bear-dogs will stop the Notorious B.J.K! FUN FACT: Billy Jean used to re-wire her tennis racket with the tendons of defeated opponents.
But wait...there's more! Facing the criticism and deciding to do a little damage control, Putin said that people of all walks of life, even gays, are welcome into his country for the games...so long as they don't talk to any children. It's funny because I have the same policy for Jehovah's Witnesses. Come on in, have some tea, but don't look my son in the eye, you propaganda spewing S.O.B.!
I guess Ol' Pooty thinks that for some reason that gay people are endowed with either hypnotism or mind-control or can just really sell another person's butt-hole. I have never seen this to be the case but, hey, you don't become the President of Russia without doing a little research, right? Why should world famous athletes get the chance to talk to children? It's not like anybody's ever had an impression on a youth before, especially people that children look up to.
Sigh...but wait...mere's thore! I guess Sochi has a mayor too and he's come out (zing) and said that his city is 100% gay-free, so no worries to anybody that suffers from a gay allergy. "We don't have them in our town," Anatoly Pakhomov told the BBC. Was that a box on the latest census or is it a simpler approach to just go door to door and pull your pants down and go "Huh?...huh?" If they take the bait then they are quickly whisked away in a train to some sort of camp where we can later...oh...my...god...
Quick question: When Sochi signed up for this did they know that men's figure skating was an event? There's nothing gay about men wearing tight, colorful clothing doing ballet on ice! Float on, you graceful swans!
Hey, I guess if anything, Russia sure is doing a helluva job getting people to tune into the Winter Olympics. I've always loved the Olympics and I think it's a wonderful concept. And if blogs, and myself, were around in 1936 you can guarantee that I would have been all over the Berlin Summer Olympics. Jesse Owens taught the world a valuable lesson: bigotry and prejudice never succeed. You can stand on a pedestal and yell as loud as you want, Putin, but nobody cares.
Well I gotta go lay down now because that last line just resonated with myself. Enjoy the games, kids. Peace and friendly competition and as always, float on, you graceful swans!
For starters, there's a bunch of security concerns and several American competitors have told their families to stay home for fear of a terrorist attack. In fact, Al-Qaeda (which has become the Westboro Baptist Church of terrorism and just can't let a single event go by without a terrorist threat) has already warned about possible attacks at the games.
This was only taken into concern when the first athlete arrived at the airport and said, "Oh shit, we're actually doing this in Russia?"
All kidding aside, outside of their prisons, security is pretty lax in Russia just because if you do something you're going to go to Russian prison and that normally is enough to have ne'er-do-wells rethink themselves. FUN FACT: Some Russian prisons have bear-dogs as guards. BEAR...DOGS. They're basically dogs the size of bears that also look and act like bears...so bears. Their line of defense is bears! How ridiculously crazy is that?!
Of course a symbol of peace and friendly competition would be a target for terrorism...of course. Look, potential terrorists of the world, leave the games alone. Isn't it enough that they have to be in Russia? Besides, bombing the Winter Olympics is like trying to assassinate the Vice President--what are you doing? I mean, our best Winter Olympian is Shaun White and he pretty much spends his time drinking Red Bulls and smoking marijuana...of course, you could say that about our best Summer Olympian too but that's not the point! Nobody thinks you're tough for beating up the smallest kid in school and that was the note that my mom always used to put in my lunch box just in case I got beat up that day.
Keep in mind, before we head to my next segment, that I have a large readership for some reason in Russia. I know I joked about it a couple of posts ago but it's actually true. I think they like my no-nonsense approach to hard-hitting topics. With that said...
The other major issue revolving around the Sochi games is that Russia doesn't seem to care for gay people all too much. Homosexuality, that's still a hot button issue? Huh. Weeeeirrrrd. Anyways, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law back in June that's basically a ban on propaganda of "nontraditional sexual relations" so no 'under the covers' or 'lights off' stuff, kids. Many people take this as discrimination against gays but I think Ol' Pooty just had a bad run in with a tranny at a Russian vodka bar. Grudges don't die easy!
But wait...there's more! Most of the countries that are attending the games aren't nearly as narrow-minded as our snow-blind friends to the East and have come out (zing) against the Russian law. The United States is even sending our own resident lesbian and sports icon, Billy Jean King, to represent us and act as an ambassador of sorts. And Ol' Pooty better watch out because the USA doesn't send in the Notorious B.J.K. unless we're ready for an all out knock 'em down, drag 'em out war! Not even bear-dogs will stop the Notorious B.J.K! FUN FACT: Billy Jean used to re-wire her tennis racket with the tendons of defeated opponents.
But wait...there's more! Facing the criticism and deciding to do a little damage control, Putin said that people of all walks of life, even gays, are welcome into his country for the games...so long as they don't talk to any children. It's funny because I have the same policy for Jehovah's Witnesses. Come on in, have some tea, but don't look my son in the eye, you propaganda spewing S.O.B.!
I guess Ol' Pooty thinks that for some reason that gay people are endowed with either hypnotism or mind-control or can just really sell another person's butt-hole. I have never seen this to be the case but, hey, you don't become the President of Russia without doing a little research, right? Why should world famous athletes get the chance to talk to children? It's not like anybody's ever had an impression on a youth before, especially people that children look up to.
Sigh...but wait...mere's thore! I guess Sochi has a mayor too and he's come out (zing) and said that his city is 100% gay-free, so no worries to anybody that suffers from a gay allergy. "We don't have them in our town," Anatoly Pakhomov told the BBC. Was that a box on the latest census or is it a simpler approach to just go door to door and pull your pants down and go "Huh?...huh?" If they take the bait then they are quickly whisked away in a train to some sort of camp where we can later...oh...my...god...
Quick question: When Sochi signed up for this did they know that men's figure skating was an event? There's nothing gay about men wearing tight, colorful clothing doing ballet on ice! Float on, you graceful swans!
Hey, I guess if anything, Russia sure is doing a helluva job getting people to tune into the Winter Olympics. I've always loved the Olympics and I think it's a wonderful concept. And if blogs, and myself, were around in 1936 you can guarantee that I would have been all over the Berlin Summer Olympics. Jesse Owens taught the world a valuable lesson: bigotry and prejudice never succeed. You can stand on a pedestal and yell as loud as you want, Putin, but nobody cares.
Well I gotta go lay down now because that last line just resonated with myself. Enjoy the games, kids. Peace and friendly competition and as always, float on, you graceful swans!
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