2007 was a weird time for me. The Studly Pastures were just a twinkle in my eye, I was a junior in college, and the Miami Dolphins were mere months away from unveiling the 'wildcat' offense. I sure hope that NFL Films locked away that footage. It'd be a shame if those tapes were lost to the ages.
2007 is also the year that I adopted subtle sarcasm in my writing.
It was also the year that I started stretching the use of the word 'subtle'.
2007 was also the last year that the Tampa Bay Rays were a bad team. I've been around since the start and they used to stink, like bad. We threw a party when we came in fourth place for the first time in our history and that's not even supposed to be a joke but it sounds pathetic when I actually write the words. 2008 saw our first postseason berth and the dream lasted all the way to the promised lands--the world series. 2008 just so happened to be the same year that Cole Hamels traded his soul and forsake everything holy for a World Series title. I hate Cole Hamels but that's not the point of this post.
Just a mere seven short years later, it appears our time in the sun is over, and the Tampa Bay Rays are once again bad. Cue Rob Schneider, "Oh no, we suck again!"
The Rays manager, Joe Maddon, is probably a crazy person who just so happens to coach baseball but he's my kind of crazy so I dig what he's throwing out there. He's been setting up a table full of different kinds of cologne lately because we've been 'stinking' so bad.
I'm not kidding. Sex Panther made an appearance too.
For the last seven years, the Tampa Bay Rays have been my "I don't have a problem" excuse. Everything else that I follow has been a colossal failure and a huge blemish on my otherwise pristine social standing but they've always been able to say, "Yeah, but he's a Rays fan." Boom. Forgiven.
And now the underdog has finally gone under and it's a sad, sad time to know me because I will not stop bitching about it. All kidding aside, will my heart strings retain their elasticity after all this wear and tear?
But you don't have to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, this time of year. You can like horse racing and be one of those gullible jerks that fall for the triple crown threat every year.
Look people, there hasn't been a triple crown winner since 1978. 1978! That's the year that Kobe Bryant was born and he was born in late August so he's never seen a triple crown winner either so make sure you point that out to him when you see him. 2007 is also the last year that Kobe Bryant was the NBA scoring champion.
California Chrome is the 13th horse since Affirmed to win the first two legs of the triple crown...and I'm picking him to finish it. The thirteenth horse? Come on, this streak needs a little reverse luck, doesn't it? June 7th, look out, California Chrome will complete the triple crown and simultaneously be delicious. (And that's a Great Depression joke.) Horse meat is a bit tough though and you might need something like Sprite (Kobe) to wash it down with.
And the PETA calls started...now...
Last night I stubbed my left pinkie toe on the side of my bed and I'm not ashamed today to admit that it hurts terribly. My dog, sensing that I'm injured, came over to lick the wound and the contact hurt even more. Either it's broken or I'm a huge baby. Huge baby status aside, I'm still willing to walk without the aid of a cane or a hover-round. Which, by the way, who are they kidding with those advertisements? The first place I'm going if I'm suddenly mobile is not the Grand Canyon. I'm getting more pudding.
The point of the toe story is do you sacrifice something for the greater good? If you're injured, and severing something will relieve that, at what point do you make that decision? In other words, kids, how long will David Price be a Ray and how long will I keep my left pinkie toe. These are great questions that need further pondering. I'll be in my pondering machine.
Float on, graceful swans.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
King Crowns and Crab Legs
For the first time in a long time, kids, I don't even know where to start.
I guess for the sake of all media we're bound to start with Donald Sterling and how he used to own the Los Angeles Clippers.
If there's one thing that I have no tolerance for, and saying 'I', I also hope to include the genuine American public as well because that's where I make my home and that's where I have no tolerance for bigotry or racism or supremacy or whatever the Hell they call it these days.
No tolerance. In fact if we've gotten to the point where we communicate on a regular basis, exchange a few anecdotes every now and then, maybe even talk about our personal lives a little bit and you go and say something racist in jest...well...I've just shut down. My immediate reaction is strictly brainwaves. My brain goes into immediate 'How do I phase this person out of my life' protocol. The physical response is a deep sigh and my head kinda tilts down like I've just been deactivated. You know what I mean.
I've read the transcripts of the Sterling tapes. I've heard the Sterling tapes. I've seen the punishment wrought by the NBA and new commissioner Silver. The immediate response is to stand up and applaud Silver...but that damn brain of mine just won't stop there.
For those of you that don't follow the NBA this is Silver's first year as commissioner following the Evil Sith Lord, David Stern. So already off the bat we have a first-year commissioner that's following one of the most controversial commissioners in the history of the NBA and he's faced with an owner that's being accused of racism.
I hate to get all Star Trek V: The Final Frontier on you, but Kirk asks, "What does God need with a spaceship?" And I'm just sitting here wondering what a white racist wants with an NBA team.
Here's the biggest thing that I had a problem with Mr. Sterling and his elocution to his girlfriend over the phone is that I felt, over many things, is that he made himself a Pharaoh. I feed them, I clothe them, and they only have what they have because of me. That's the gist of his speech.
In case you aren't getting the gist of my speech, in essence, Sterling saw human beings as commodities that he had bought and used to try to win in a sports game. At that point and juncture we wave bye-bye to you because you represent all that is wrong with the world and I mean that wholly. As far as being human, you failed miserably, and I can't wait until you're banned from the Earth and not just the NBA.
And that's all good and makes sense in mankind logic. But did Silver do that to make himself popular in the eye of the public? Ehhhh...probably. And are the owners going to follow suit and oust Sterling as owner of the Clippers? Yep. Why? Because that makes us all happy. It's not enough that this guy has been a poison for years but he always had money. NOW all of a sudden when the media eye is on us we focus on morals.
How ironic.
Now we turn our heads, ever so slightly, to Jameis Winston. If you're not familiar with Jameis he's the latest recipient of the Heisman Trophy and the quarterback of the National Champion Florida State Seminoles...and he can't stay out of the news.
You all heard last year when he was involved in a sexual assault case that was eventually dropped because there wasn't enough evidence to go to trial and it also helped that the guy in question was uber-popular. Look, I wrote an article last year about Johnny Manziel acting a fool all over the place because he had already adopted the playboy lifestyle before he got paid and it looked bad for him.
Listen to me, this is something COMPLETELY different. Jameis Winston is officially on "Eh, we're kinda afraid of him" after he's been on the "Definitely going number one" list for a year.
Mr. Winston was recently cited, in Tallahassee, at a grocery store, for not paying for thirty-two dollars worth of crab legs.
WHAT?!
You have no sense in your head to not get yourself in trouble over stealing some crab legs when in about a year and a month you can literally bathe in crab legs and dry yourself off in crab legs?! By the way, when you get out of the tub you can step on crab legs too.
$32. That's pathetic.
What we have to understand is that even though he's a Heisman winner and also quarterbacked the National Champion team is that he's not rich yet. He won't be rich for another year. I understand some NCAA players get hungrier than their stipends or scholarships allow. That's why they don't eat crab legs. They eat what they can afford and look forward to the day when they can buy crab legs and not bat an eye. Jameis Winston apparently takes what he wants whenever.
That's a huge red flag, not only as an NFL prospect, but as a person. If I could talk to him I would just look him in the eyes and say, "Come on, dude!"
Siiiiiggggghhhh...see you kids after the draft next week.
I guess for the sake of all media we're bound to start with Donald Sterling and how he used to own the Los Angeles Clippers.
If there's one thing that I have no tolerance for, and saying 'I', I also hope to include the genuine American public as well because that's where I make my home and that's where I have no tolerance for bigotry or racism or supremacy or whatever the Hell they call it these days.
No tolerance. In fact if we've gotten to the point where we communicate on a regular basis, exchange a few anecdotes every now and then, maybe even talk about our personal lives a little bit and you go and say something racist in jest...well...I've just shut down. My immediate reaction is strictly brainwaves. My brain goes into immediate 'How do I phase this person out of my life' protocol. The physical response is a deep sigh and my head kinda tilts down like I've just been deactivated. You know what I mean.
I've read the transcripts of the Sterling tapes. I've heard the Sterling tapes. I've seen the punishment wrought by the NBA and new commissioner Silver. The immediate response is to stand up and applaud Silver...but that damn brain of mine just won't stop there.
For those of you that don't follow the NBA this is Silver's first year as commissioner following the Evil Sith Lord, David Stern. So already off the bat we have a first-year commissioner that's following one of the most controversial commissioners in the history of the NBA and he's faced with an owner that's being accused of racism.
I hate to get all Star Trek V: The Final Frontier on you, but Kirk asks, "What does God need with a spaceship?" And I'm just sitting here wondering what a white racist wants with an NBA team.
Here's the biggest thing that I had a problem with Mr. Sterling and his elocution to his girlfriend over the phone is that I felt, over many things, is that he made himself a Pharaoh. I feed them, I clothe them, and they only have what they have because of me. That's the gist of his speech.
In case you aren't getting the gist of my speech, in essence, Sterling saw human beings as commodities that he had bought and used to try to win in a sports game. At that point and juncture we wave bye-bye to you because you represent all that is wrong with the world and I mean that wholly. As far as being human, you failed miserably, and I can't wait until you're banned from the Earth and not just the NBA.
And that's all good and makes sense in mankind logic. But did Silver do that to make himself popular in the eye of the public? Ehhhh...probably. And are the owners going to follow suit and oust Sterling as owner of the Clippers? Yep. Why? Because that makes us all happy. It's not enough that this guy has been a poison for years but he always had money. NOW all of a sudden when the media eye is on us we focus on morals.
How ironic.
Now we turn our heads, ever so slightly, to Jameis Winston. If you're not familiar with Jameis he's the latest recipient of the Heisman Trophy and the quarterback of the National Champion Florida State Seminoles...and he can't stay out of the news.
You all heard last year when he was involved in a sexual assault case that was eventually dropped because there wasn't enough evidence to go to trial and it also helped that the guy in question was uber-popular. Look, I wrote an article last year about Johnny Manziel acting a fool all over the place because he had already adopted the playboy lifestyle before he got paid and it looked bad for him.
Listen to me, this is something COMPLETELY different. Jameis Winston is officially on "Eh, we're kinda afraid of him" after he's been on the "Definitely going number one" list for a year.
Mr. Winston was recently cited, in Tallahassee, at a grocery store, for not paying for thirty-two dollars worth of crab legs.
WHAT?!
You have no sense in your head to not get yourself in trouble over stealing some crab legs when in about a year and a month you can literally bathe in crab legs and dry yourself off in crab legs?! By the way, when you get out of the tub you can step on crab legs too.
$32. That's pathetic.
What we have to understand is that even though he's a Heisman winner and also quarterbacked the National Champion team is that he's not rich yet. He won't be rich for another year. I understand some NCAA players get hungrier than their stipends or scholarships allow. That's why they don't eat crab legs. They eat what they can afford and look forward to the day when they can buy crab legs and not bat an eye. Jameis Winston apparently takes what he wants whenever.
That's a huge red flag, not only as an NFL prospect, but as a person. If I could talk to him I would just look him in the eyes and say, "Come on, dude!"
Siiiiiggggghhhh...see you kids after the draft next week.
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