Jeeeeesus Christ! Why do I even bother looking forward to the start of the NFL season again? Is this early on-set Alzheimer's? Because if it is just take me out to pasture and end it now because I do NOT want to toil on this way!
Seriously though...Miami barely scrapes by a Washington team in complete turmoil and I laugh nervously but shrug it off because it's a win and I'll setup some elaborate Keyser Soze shit just for a shot at a Dolphins win. But then they drop a huge steaming shit against the Jacksonville Jaguars?! What the Hell?!
First of all, the fact that the city of Jacksonville has a professional football team is humorous in itself but then you factor in that they are the jaguars? If the city of Jacksonville has that many rampant wild cats running through it's limits I think it's time to rethink their infrastructure.
I make fun because I'm bitter and also the greatest joke the Twilight Zone ever pulled was making you think you were out of the Twilight Zone aaaaaaand clearly I'm not.
It's the same! It's the same again after spending muellliiiioooonns and muelllliiiiiioooons of dollars and...and...it's the same! Money CAN buy you happiness but you have to have half a brain first and clearly that's lacking in this situation. This is one of those 'throw some rouge on that pig and put it in a dress' situations. Miami was adequate last season, like they have been for the last three or four years, and adequacy doesn't exactly exemplify a word I like to call 'winning'. The Jets and Bills haven't been the best of the best either but I see more effort from them than I do from the Dolphins and that makes me want to throw up out of my ass!
Miami looks like they are playing in pudding and that's never a place you want to be unless you really fucking love pudding.
And on top of all that good news is that the Rays are currently in a dog-fight with the Red Sox to see who finishes in LAST PLACE. That's odd, because all things considered, the Rays were in prime position to at least challenge a wild card sport no more than a month ago. What, in the holy Hell, could have transpired that the team would fall so far? Hmmmmm...maybe, just maybe, that our manager is a rookie manager and he was only ever a backup catcher in the league and WHAT THE THE HELL DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THE STRETCH?! This, kids, is where you tighten your boots and your belt and you go to work. If you want to be a big boy in this league now is the time you bring your stuff. Apparently, and unfortunately, we have no stuff.
We have no stuff to bring. We're going to a party and we're the weird ones standing on the outskirts not really talking to anybody because WE HAVE NOTHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION!!!
And it's sad...it really is. I would not be surprised at this point that the Rays final record is 81-81. Dead even. Hell, that's pretty adequate.
And on top of all that good news is that the UCF Knights are 0-TBD. This normally wouldn't be such a huge issue for me because they've always been the little brother that has had some sort of deficiency so you root for them nevertheless...but they just lost to Furman.
Look, I don't even know what Furman is. Is that just one person?! Is that a technical school? I honestly have no idea and don't care to look it up because whatever the answer is doesn't matter. We should have beaten them. Correction: we should have destroyed their integrity. They shouldn't exist anymore. They should have been so disheartened by the beating that they say, "Well, that's it guys, pack it in. Furman is no more."
Instead I'm telling you that UCF lost to Furman. I can't even believe I just said that.
I'm 30 now and I think it's time to start getting my priorities in order. My mother once referred to me as the 'Charlie Brown' of sports fans in that I never get the satisfaction of kicking that goddamn ball just once. And she's right.
How weird is it that where my greatest passions lie are completely out of my hands and always a complete letdown?
Go ahead and marinate on that a little bit, kids, I'll be back.
