I've often had to sit back and reflect on a big issue that I seem to constantly deal with.
I look around at other people watching the same football game that I am and they're cheering while I am sitting there with a scorned look on my face. I see them cheering and I just don't get it--are they watching the same game that I am? I must be crazy because I swear I have seen this game before because I know exactly what's going to happen!
I'm not a pessimist. I go into the game truly believing that they're not going to take things lightly and actually treat this like something they want to strive towards...uh...you know...success. That thing. But then I see their damn faces and the way they walk and to quote Aragorn "it would take the very heart of me" because they LOOK LIKE THEY ALREADY LOST THE DAMN GAME. Are you kidding me? Where's the motivation? Where's the desire? Where is the "I NEED this!?"
Bad teams are separated from great teams because great teams "NEED" to win. Dropping two straight games against eliminated teams and only scoring seven points is not even close to showing need, or desire, or even fielding a professional football team. I get to spell out 'seven' because AP style says you don't get to use the numeral until you get past ten. 10! They couldn't even score 10 points against The Toronto Forgettables and the Damn Jersery Dogs. They only thing they had to play for was to ruin Miami's season and that's exactly what they accomplished because they wanted it more...even though we were playing for the shot at the...wait for it...PLAYOFFS!
*Note: For those of you that are unsure on how the NFL operates, the playoffs are the opportunity that a team gets to try to advance to the championship game known collectively as the Super Bowl. It's what every team strives for at Day One but only twelve teams get the shot from this point on. The trick is to be one of those twelve teams by this point or you're already waiting in next year's line. The Super Bowl, the pinnacle of American sports, was not enough of an enticing title for the Miami Dolphins that they decided to crap all over themselves against two teams that would only get the chance to view the trophy behind a glass case and say, "Oh, how nice." Miami has done this now for 40 years. Please notice the '40'.
The thing that astonished me more is that I'm only 28 and I'm this passionate about it. God forbid you were born in 1974. I can only imagine what you're going through right now, you poor, second-guessing yourself over everything, neurotic virgin. What if she likes me? What if she doesn't? Oh God, she doesn't even know I exist! At this point, the only thing that I can think of that would save you from this torture is to completely forsake everything sports-related and go live in a cabin in the woods and hunt for all your sustenance. Personally? I'm headed for the mountains and I'll live among the goats and the Sherpas and we'll all sit around and talk about cliffs and high winds and it will have nothing to do with the Miami Dolphins and I'll retain my sanity. Yeah...that's it.
Here's how you start to solve the problem: Anybody who ever made a decision in what determined to be the outcome of any play in any game this season needs to be fired. Seriously. You called a play, you're gone. You supported a play-call, take a hike. If you saw somebody do either of these and thought, 'This makes sense', you are about to collect unemployment my friend because you are what we like to call an inept MORON! I'm calling for the heads of Joe Philbin (the head coach), Mike Sherman (the offensive coordinator), Jim Turner (the offensive line coach), and so on and so forth.
Ironically, the one person that will probably be fired is the one that shouldn't and that's Jeff Ireland, the general manager. Look, if I buy you a hammer and say, "Go do work with this hammer" and you immediately raise it up to nail something in and the pointy end goes directly into your eyeball--that's not my fault. You're a moron, once again, and don't know how to use the tools I gave you to do the job that was intended. It's not Ireland's fault that he went out and got the fastest deep-threat in the game for a quarterback that can't throw an accurate deep pass...okay...I'll stop there. But this brings me to my little, adorable Fuzzby.
Tannehill did several things to impress me this season and I even considered him for Furby status. For starters, he improved...he really did. He made quicker decisions that were actually the right ones and there was no question that he was the leader of this team. Secondly, he proved he is one tough son of a bitch. He took a lot of hits this year--most of them thanks to the terrible offensive line--but he trotted his ass out there every single game. I honestly can't remember, nor care to look it up, the last time that a Dolphins' quarterback started every game of the season. I like Tannehill as the Dolphins' quarterback but he's still Fuzzby status. He can't utilize his best weapon and doesn't know when to throw the ball. That's a Fuzzby...but he gets a little bit of a free pass this season because of how terrible the offensive line was...and that brings me to my next point:
What the Hell did Philbin do exactly to extinguish the whole 'bullying' controversy? I read earlier yesterday that Don Shula endorsed Philbin as head coach. Well kids, looks like Unky Don has slipped into senility because the only thing Philbin did was remove everybody involved from the clubhouse and lose to the win-less Buccaneers on Monday Night Football. Interesting strategy!
So I sit here, hours after nothing but bitter defeat and I ask, "What was this season for?"
Miami finished 8-8. Three early wins against teams we thought would be good that turned out not to be. Four losses in a row that was lead by a loss that we knew would happen but didn't think would snowball. But then came a few bizarre games that probably could have gone either way but, eh, they didn't because who cares. Then the team turned it on and beat some really good teams only just to end the season by losing to some really bad teams. What was this season for? Absolutely nothing. There's nothing to take away from the schedule because every game was an enigma. Nothing made sense. Miami defeated Cincinnati, New England, San Diego, and Indianapolis and all those teams are in the playoffs (and three of them are division winners). Miami is out of the playoffs because they lost to Buffalo and Jersey who were playing to see which team would be most relevant out of the irrelevant and out of Buffalo, Jersey, and Miami the only team to lay down was Miami.
What?!?
So I watch them cheering and I'm standing there so angry and I wish I could be so naive. I really do. But I can't. I study it. I remember things. I HATE when the commentators are right because they never should be. They shouldn't know and if they do it's because your team SUCKS.
Kids, have a safe and happy New Year's Eve. Don't get incarcerated because I want you to see the epic upset that UCF puts on Baylor in the Fiesta Bowl. Last I checked the line was -16.5 Baylor which is definitely bulletin board material for the Knights. I'll see you in 2014, my friends, and I'll try a little harder next year.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Saban, Thy Name is Evil
Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins of mankind, kids, and it can easily be defined as an insatiable appetite that leads to one's own destruction.
Of course we're assuming that the person in question is a human being, of which, Nick Saban is not.
Nick Saban is a snake, and as all scholars of the Bible know, brought about the corruption of men. Saban is a plague upon your houses, a river of blood, and a swarm of locusts all wrapped up in one suave and menacing hairstyle. Saban looks like the guy that is sent to collect the security money. If Saban didn't coach football he could easily run a pawn shop that was under constant surveillance of the FBI.
Most importantly, Nick Saban is the epitome of gluttony. He's not satisfied until he's consumed everything.
Mack Brown has been the head coach of the Texas Longhorns for 16 years and he never stood a chance this year. He's old, he's lost his grip, and Texas hasn't really been relevant since Vince Young but I believe that some things you let run it's natural course. Mack Brown deserves better. He made Vince Young a winner for crying out loud!
Still, and it's the nature of the beast, but sports is what have you down for me lately and all Mack Brown has done is age. At the time of this posting, Mack Brown is still the head coach of the Texas Longhorns but when you go back to read this two days later (because I have sustainability, dammit!) he will be officially another retiree soaking up social security in the good ol' state of Florida and Nick Saban will be picking out burnt orange drapes for his new office in Austin.
Oh sure, he'll come out and say publicly that he's fully invested in Alabama and that he's busy focusing on the bowl game and yadda yadda yadda. We've heard this all before back in 2007
EDIT: I started writing this about a week and a half ago and abandoned it at this point because I felt that it had just become one big Nick Saban hate-fest and indeed I was right. You should also notice that there is no period after "We've heard this all before back in 2007" because that's how abruptly I stopped. I return to you now to finish what I've started because there's been some developments...but the overall theme remains the same. The following takes place on December 21, 2013 and beyond.
Well, kids, Mack Brown has gone fishin'. He has been successfully bullied out of his job and will step down officially after Texas' bowl game in the something or other...sigh...I can't do it. I can't sit here and drink scotch, the nectar of the Gods, and not be completely horrified at what has transpired.
Let's put it this way: If Satan decided to live among mankind in order to directly attempt to influence them don't you think he'd be cocky enough to only change his name by a single letter? And take up his residency in the very religious South? Alabama loves three things: football, God, and Duck Dynasty--apparently added to the list this year.
To say that Nick Saban is evil is like saying that Hugh Hefner is a pimp because it's a vast understatement. Hugh Hefner is older than the invention of written language yet he constantly has 20-year old blondes straight from the Sears catalog looking to sweep his front porch and I'm not even sure that's a euphemism. Hefner's not a pimp...he's the guy that the word 'pimp' spawned from. It came off of him like a weird growth that the rest of us have lanced off and take a three-day weekend.
Nick Saban is getting paid $7.5 million dollars a year to be a smug asshole. What the Hell!? Where was that category when I was signing up for classes in college? "Hey man, how's your classes going this semester?" "Well, I'm doing well in Smug but I fear I might be on the fringe in Asshole. How about you?" "I'm doing well in Asshole but can't figure out Smug so we should help each other study." "Sounds like a plan, my name is Nick by the way." "I'm Alex Rodriguez." WE'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON!
Seven and a half million dollars to treat America's impressionable youth like the scumbags they are for trying to make something of themselves and all we're doing is trying to live day by day without any regions of the country thinking we're a plague on mankind. This feels like a bad Keanu Reeves movie...oops sorry, I mean a Keanu Reeves movie.
(By the way, that's how you spell 'oops', kids. If I see opps one more time I swear to Grammar Jesus that I might just not like your mundane and probably completely personal Facebook status!)
Look, for any aspiring prospect that happens to read this blog and also gets recruited by Nick Saban I am not saying you are getting recruited by the Devil. I'm not. I'm simply saying that if you willingly go stand by Saban you are just forsaking everything that's ever made you a respectable human being and that you choose personal gain over anything that is right and sacred. Don't be confused.
I'm kinda pleased in thinking this might be the last Studly of 2013. This made me feel good. Kids, have a great Christmas/Whatever holiday you weirdos celebrate, and make sure you come back down to the Pastures in 2014. My inspiration never lacks because humans never disappoint me.
Oh, by the way, the whole "last Studly of 2013" won't stand. The Dolphins will either implode, actually succeed, or do something so mediocre that I have to write again. Don't pop the champagne just yet, kids.
Of course we're assuming that the person in question is a human being, of which, Nick Saban is not.
Nick Saban is a snake, and as all scholars of the Bible know, brought about the corruption of men. Saban is a plague upon your houses, a river of blood, and a swarm of locusts all wrapped up in one suave and menacing hairstyle. Saban looks like the guy that is sent to collect the security money. If Saban didn't coach football he could easily run a pawn shop that was under constant surveillance of the FBI.
Most importantly, Nick Saban is the epitome of gluttony. He's not satisfied until he's consumed everything.
Mack Brown has been the head coach of the Texas Longhorns for 16 years and he never stood a chance this year. He's old, he's lost his grip, and Texas hasn't really been relevant since Vince Young but I believe that some things you let run it's natural course. Mack Brown deserves better. He made Vince Young a winner for crying out loud!
Still, and it's the nature of the beast, but sports is what have you down for me lately and all Mack Brown has done is age. At the time of this posting, Mack Brown is still the head coach of the Texas Longhorns but when you go back to read this two days later (because I have sustainability, dammit!) he will be officially another retiree soaking up social security in the good ol' state of Florida and Nick Saban will be picking out burnt orange drapes for his new office in Austin.
Oh sure, he'll come out and say publicly that he's fully invested in Alabama and that he's busy focusing on the bowl game and yadda yadda yadda. We've heard this all before back in 2007
EDIT: I started writing this about a week and a half ago and abandoned it at this point because I felt that it had just become one big Nick Saban hate-fest and indeed I was right. You should also notice that there is no period after "We've heard this all before back in 2007" because that's how abruptly I stopped. I return to you now to finish what I've started because there's been some developments...but the overall theme remains the same. The following takes place on December 21, 2013 and beyond.
Well, kids, Mack Brown has gone fishin'. He has been successfully bullied out of his job and will step down officially after Texas' bowl game in the something or other...sigh...I can't do it. I can't sit here and drink scotch, the nectar of the Gods, and not be completely horrified at what has transpired.
Let's put it this way: If Satan decided to live among mankind in order to directly attempt to influence them don't you think he'd be cocky enough to only change his name by a single letter? And take up his residency in the very religious South? Alabama loves three things: football, God, and Duck Dynasty--apparently added to the list this year.
To say that Nick Saban is evil is like saying that Hugh Hefner is a pimp because it's a vast understatement. Hugh Hefner is older than the invention of written language yet he constantly has 20-year old blondes straight from the Sears catalog looking to sweep his front porch and I'm not even sure that's a euphemism. Hefner's not a pimp...he's the guy that the word 'pimp' spawned from. It came off of him like a weird growth that the rest of us have lanced off and take a three-day weekend.
Nick Saban is getting paid $7.5 million dollars a year to be a smug asshole. What the Hell!? Where was that category when I was signing up for classes in college? "Hey man, how's your classes going this semester?" "Well, I'm doing well in Smug but I fear I might be on the fringe in Asshole. How about you?" "I'm doing well in Asshole but can't figure out Smug so we should help each other study." "Sounds like a plan, my name is Nick by the way." "I'm Alex Rodriguez." WE'RE ALL THE SAME PERSON!
Seven and a half million dollars to treat America's impressionable youth like the scumbags they are for trying to make something of themselves and all we're doing is trying to live day by day without any regions of the country thinking we're a plague on mankind. This feels like a bad Keanu Reeves movie...oops sorry, I mean a Keanu Reeves movie.
(By the way, that's how you spell 'oops', kids. If I see opps one more time I swear to Grammar Jesus that I might just not like your mundane and probably completely personal Facebook status!)
Look, for any aspiring prospect that happens to read this blog and also gets recruited by Nick Saban I am not saying you are getting recruited by the Devil. I'm not. I'm simply saying that if you willingly go stand by Saban you are just forsaking everything that's ever made you a respectable human being and that you choose personal gain over anything that is right and sacred. Don't be confused.
I'm kinda pleased in thinking this might be the last Studly of 2013. This made me feel good. Kids, have a great Christmas/Whatever holiday you weirdos celebrate, and make sure you come back down to the Pastures in 2014. My inspiration never lacks because humans never disappoint me.
Oh, by the way, the whole "last Studly of 2013" won't stand. The Dolphins will either implode, actually succeed, or do something so mediocre that I have to write again. Don't pop the champagne just yet, kids.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Stocking Stuffers
I have been keeping up the ol' Studly Pastures blog for over four years now, I've watched sports much longer than that, and I've even been paid in legal tender for some of the things I have written and I honestly cannot sit here and tell you why Robinson Cano deserves $240 million.
Take that $240 million, halve it, then halve it again, then halve it two more times and that's what I would pay a 31-year old second baseman over two years. I'm obviously a huge proponent of sabermetrics because I follow the Tampa Bay Rays and I thought that the Seattle Mariners were trying to be scholars of the same train of thought but then they just throw us a wicked googly like this and I just...I just...don't get it! I don't get it! Take that money, invest it in pitching and solid defense and on-base percentage and now you've just taken a small-market team and made them competitive in a big-market team world. Take that money, invest it in one guy and you've sunk your battleship. You're just begging for a disaster, aren't you? What if he gets hurt? What if he has a down year? What if, God forbid, he starts declining in every major statistical category like most ballplayers do after 30?
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Southeast of San Francisco and west of Last Vegas, Nevada have taken the liberty of making colossal failures of huge contracts for you, Seattle, and you chose to ignore them even though they are in your same division! Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton were the lucky recipients of great agents and a terrible precedent for a free-agent market in Major League Baseball. And the Angels were victims of both and the men in charge of making those deals no longer have any hair or functional livers.
Not you, Seattle. You had to painfully part with your boy, Ichiro. You salvaged enough money to lock up Felix Hernandez. You bought bargain basement players so you could plan for the future. You had a PLAN, Seattle, I know you did! Then one night you got drunk and went out and had a little too much fun and when you woke up in the morning there was a 31-year old Dominican man in your bed and he wants breakfast, you naive jerks.
For your stocking stuffer, Seattle Mariners, you get a copy of Moneyball. DVD, not Blueray. Sit there and watch how Brad Pitt wheels and deals irrelevant names for other irrelevant names and is successful but never wins anything meaningful just like sabermetrics has proven thus far.
As always, if I was trying to be a successful sports blogger, I would never bother with mentioning the US men's soccer team because there's probably like a whole two of you that actually care about the next words that appear on your screen but then again here we are.
I love soccer and I love the US men's soccer team and I stand up for them even when they don't deserve it. They're like my fictional son that sucks at sports but is out there every single day trying his little heart out and just not squaring up at all with the other kids. And after every match I take him out for ice cream and he's really proud of himself for trying and I just sit there trying not to let him see my shame and I'm secretly glad he had to settle for strawberry because they were out of mint and chocolate chip.
With that said, the US team got hosed today for the World Cup draw. Our opponents? Oh just some no-name countries that never play soccer because they're great economically and stuff. Ghana, Portugal, and Germany. Are you kidding me? Talk about a total non-invite. If you didn't want us to come to your party, you could have just said so, Brazil!
I know a lot of readers won't take the time to wikipedia a lot of the soccer jargon I use in this blog so I'll help you out and secretly tell you it's never good to be in something dubbed the "group of death". They call it that because the World Cup doesn't start until next July and we've already been given our 'Participant' ribbons.
For your stocking stuffer, US men's soccer team, you get the board game, Risk. It's a strategic board game of world domination and NOBODY can take that away from you. Get 'em, boys!
In the NFL world, Gary Kubiak was mercifully fired today as head coach of the Houston Texans and that's honestly best for him and his health. If you truly love something you set it free and that's exactly what Houston is doing for their fans this year by making Wade Phillips the interim head coach. Look, Kubiak had to go, that much was clear, but I wouldn't make Wade Phillips the interim 'puzzled look while hands on hips guy' and he's really, really good at that.
I feel partially responsible for Kubiak's departure because I picked Houston to go to the Super Bowl this year and that's basically a kiss of death. And I would be sad for him but he's going to get a nice coordinator job next year that's less demanding and it will be great for his health and his kids won't have to spend Christmas at the Phillips' household and I'm thankful for that because we all know that's gotta be really, really disgusting. I heard he likes to sacrifice a live pig and let the blood flow down his naked chest. I just shuddered and gagged at the same time.
Houston isn't very good this year. In fact, they're pretty terrible. They made Jacksonville look decent enough and they won't even sign Tebow to stay relevant. So the Houston Texans did what the NFL demands from losers trying to get better and that's to start completely over from scratch and be out of contention for at least the next four years, if you're lucky. Does the rhetoric that you get rid of the highest titled and most recognized figure to get better as a whole fly in any other scenario than medieval times? It's only a revolution if you win.
For your stocking stuffer, Gary Kubiak, you get a very polite and official interview as offensive coordinator for the Washington Redskins next year! You deserve it, you're just the scapegoat, and you'll probably still end up being a quarterbacks coach or something equally demeaning.
Finally, I'm like a lot of you right now playing in all of the fantasy football playoffs that aren't worth anything other than pride and bragging rights. While those things are cool, I too like cold hard cash and am very ashamed at myself for not making it where it really counts. Stop for a minute for a 'that's what she said' joke.
Let me remind you fantasy players that March Madness is pretty much right around the corner and this year we get to do a World Cup bracket too and both of those things are crap shoots. So rejoice, fellow failures, and know that blind luck could possibly be in your favor fairly shortly.
For your stocking stuffer, fantasy football playoff miss-outs, I give you false hope. Hey, at least it's something.
Take that $240 million, halve it, then halve it again, then halve it two more times and that's what I would pay a 31-year old second baseman over two years. I'm obviously a huge proponent of sabermetrics because I follow the Tampa Bay Rays and I thought that the Seattle Mariners were trying to be scholars of the same train of thought but then they just throw us a wicked googly like this and I just...I just...don't get it! I don't get it! Take that money, invest it in pitching and solid defense and on-base percentage and now you've just taken a small-market team and made them competitive in a big-market team world. Take that money, invest it in one guy and you've sunk your battleship. You're just begging for a disaster, aren't you? What if he gets hurt? What if he has a down year? What if, God forbid, he starts declining in every major statistical category like most ballplayers do after 30?
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Southeast of San Francisco and west of Last Vegas, Nevada have taken the liberty of making colossal failures of huge contracts for you, Seattle, and you chose to ignore them even though they are in your same division! Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton were the lucky recipients of great agents and a terrible precedent for a free-agent market in Major League Baseball. And the Angels were victims of both and the men in charge of making those deals no longer have any hair or functional livers.
Not you, Seattle. You had to painfully part with your boy, Ichiro. You salvaged enough money to lock up Felix Hernandez. You bought bargain basement players so you could plan for the future. You had a PLAN, Seattle, I know you did! Then one night you got drunk and went out and had a little too much fun and when you woke up in the morning there was a 31-year old Dominican man in your bed and he wants breakfast, you naive jerks.
For your stocking stuffer, Seattle Mariners, you get a copy of Moneyball. DVD, not Blueray. Sit there and watch how Brad Pitt wheels and deals irrelevant names for other irrelevant names and is successful but never wins anything meaningful just like sabermetrics has proven thus far.
As always, if I was trying to be a successful sports blogger, I would never bother with mentioning the US men's soccer team because there's probably like a whole two of you that actually care about the next words that appear on your screen but then again here we are.
I love soccer and I love the US men's soccer team and I stand up for them even when they don't deserve it. They're like my fictional son that sucks at sports but is out there every single day trying his little heart out and just not squaring up at all with the other kids. And after every match I take him out for ice cream and he's really proud of himself for trying and I just sit there trying not to let him see my shame and I'm secretly glad he had to settle for strawberry because they were out of mint and chocolate chip.
With that said, the US team got hosed today for the World Cup draw. Our opponents? Oh just some no-name countries that never play soccer because they're great economically and stuff. Ghana, Portugal, and Germany. Are you kidding me? Talk about a total non-invite. If you didn't want us to come to your party, you could have just said so, Brazil!
I know a lot of readers won't take the time to wikipedia a lot of the soccer jargon I use in this blog so I'll help you out and secretly tell you it's never good to be in something dubbed the "group of death". They call it that because the World Cup doesn't start until next July and we've already been given our 'Participant' ribbons.
For your stocking stuffer, US men's soccer team, you get the board game, Risk. It's a strategic board game of world domination and NOBODY can take that away from you. Get 'em, boys!
In the NFL world, Gary Kubiak was mercifully fired today as head coach of the Houston Texans and that's honestly best for him and his health. If you truly love something you set it free and that's exactly what Houston is doing for their fans this year by making Wade Phillips the interim head coach. Look, Kubiak had to go, that much was clear, but I wouldn't make Wade Phillips the interim 'puzzled look while hands on hips guy' and he's really, really good at that.
I feel partially responsible for Kubiak's departure because I picked Houston to go to the Super Bowl this year and that's basically a kiss of death. And I would be sad for him but he's going to get a nice coordinator job next year that's less demanding and it will be great for his health and his kids won't have to spend Christmas at the Phillips' household and I'm thankful for that because we all know that's gotta be really, really disgusting. I heard he likes to sacrifice a live pig and let the blood flow down his naked chest. I just shuddered and gagged at the same time.
Houston isn't very good this year. In fact, they're pretty terrible. They made Jacksonville look decent enough and they won't even sign Tebow to stay relevant. So the Houston Texans did what the NFL demands from losers trying to get better and that's to start completely over from scratch and be out of contention for at least the next four years, if you're lucky. Does the rhetoric that you get rid of the highest titled and most recognized figure to get better as a whole fly in any other scenario than medieval times? It's only a revolution if you win.
For your stocking stuffer, Gary Kubiak, you get a very polite and official interview as offensive coordinator for the Washington Redskins next year! You deserve it, you're just the scapegoat, and you'll probably still end up being a quarterbacks coach or something equally demeaning.
Finally, I'm like a lot of you right now playing in all of the fantasy football playoffs that aren't worth anything other than pride and bragging rights. While those things are cool, I too like cold hard cash and am very ashamed at myself for not making it where it really counts. Stop for a minute for a 'that's what she said' joke.
Let me remind you fantasy players that March Madness is pretty much right around the corner and this year we get to do a World Cup bracket too and both of those things are crap shoots. So rejoice, fellow failures, and know that blind luck could possibly be in your favor fairly shortly.
For your stocking stuffer, fantasy football playoff miss-outs, I give you false hope. Hey, at least it's something.
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