Johnny Be Good

Well kids, it's August, and I'm back in full form and ready to educate the masses on life, sports, and hell, whatever else you want to know about.  Including Hell...which is where Johnny Manziel has found himself the past four or five months.

I felt bad for Johnny Football.  I really did.  The kid wins the Heisman as a freshman, first person to ever do so, and is immediately thrown under the same scrutiny as the rest of the Heisman winners.  How is that fair?  He doesn't even get the chance to rail through a few sorority skanks, maybe brush elbows with some boosters, and get absolutely hammered on grain alcohol in the freezing snow with just a Speedo on.  That's college, folks, that's how we learn.

And A.J. McCarron?  You officially need to shut up.  Nobody likes you, you aren't cool.  You're a boring figure-head on a team that's carried you on their collective NFL-ready shoulders.  You should get your masters at Alabama because third-string on the San Diego Chargers pays you in churros.  You're not better than Manziel because he has a Heisman and you have a "Best Timing in the NCAA" award.

I really wish the Heisman Trust people would stop pretending that they are the Illuminati and this ever-expanding cult that controls everything and realize all they do is vote on who the best player is in COLLEGE football each year.  It's the NCAA, which is terribly flawed, and it's college kids, which believe it or not, are flawed!

Johnny Manziel is a 20-year old kid.  Now that I've said it maybe he'll stop reminding us.  But because he's won the Heisman we're supposed to shake our heads every time he grabs a beer or sleeps in a little late and misses Peyton Manning's football camp?  Did you just read what I wrote?  Peyton Manning's football camp!?  Getting excused from that is like getting promoted to Advanced Reading from Remedial Book Learning With Colors.  Johnny was too hungover to make macaroni necklaces that day, Peyton, let's get over it.

Then he got booted out of a University of Texas frat party.  Johnny, recognize when your guardian angel is looking out for you.  If I accidentally stumbled my way into a University of Texas frat party I can only imagine what kinds of terrible S&M livestock activities are going on in those dark hallways.  I just shuddered...I'm not kidding.  They're the longhorns for Christ sakes, get outta there!

Aaaaand now we have reports that he's been profiting off of autographs which is a BIG no-no in the NCAA.  Basically if you work for the NCAA you better not make any money...but I digress, that's my argument for another day.

First of all, how big of a scum bag can you be (or rather how popular can you get) that you charge people for signing your own name on something.  That's incredible to me.  "Oh this football is worth seven dollars, hold on a second, BLAM, now it's gonna be expensive in 30 years."

Second of all, why are we getting the autograph of a 20-year old?  I'd be less upset about this if I found out that he was only signing sorority girls' boobs...and still charging!  That's pretty boss.

The worst part, even though I saw Manziel circling the drain a couple of months ago, is that all it will take the crazy ass NCAA to take away his eligibility is ONE spurned person.  That's it.  No questions asked, this is what you get and I wouldn't be surprised if they go after the Heisman.

But then I also had this thought: Hey, maybe if the Heisman Trust was truly about not only on-field play but also how the person conducts himself in the community then I guess a freshman wasn't exactly the best pick because he was in freakin' high school a year ago!  When I was a freshman I would skip classes not because I was drunk or on drugs but just because I could and nobody would yell at me.  Take that, general society!

Here's the thing: the Heisman Trust is owned by the NCAA and the NCAA is owned by the same thing that birthed David Stern and Gary Bettman.  It's all evil and it doesn't matter what you do because you're going down regardless.

I recognize the rational part of American society and a Tits for Tat  program is ingenious, especially if you're popular enough to get away with it, which Johnny Manziel is.  Which 20-year old hot shit in this room is turning down that kind of action?  That's what I thought.

Can't we all just reach back and remember what it was like to have everything in the palm of our hand and then go right ahead and piss it all away on trivial things?  Doesn't anybody remember what it means to be young?  Leave the kid alone.  I'm sure he's gotten a chick pregnant by now anyways.  Let the autograph thing go away.