Is it something I said? I mean you could tell me and I wouldn't get upset.
I was just going over notes left for me by the Studly Pastures research team (cough) and it turns out that readership is down--like way down. Let's say it's so down that if we were a company that was built on turning a profit that I would have resorted to insider trading a few months ago. Our stock is bleeding faster than a stuck pig and I've never understood that reference other than I guess you have to bleed the pig before you cook it otherwise you get really bloody bites of pork.
They've even gone as far to say that Latvia hasn't been around in months and I'm especially hurt about that. We had a great thing going, Latvia, and you're just going to toss me aside like some cheap blog floozy. It makes me wonder two things: where the Hell are Latvians going to get their American sports banter if not from me and why did they ever stumble upon me in the first place?
Who knows how this wacky internet thingy works. I type words that only I can see and press a button and suddenly every entity in the universe can see them too. That's either incredible technology or the Devil's work and I haven't decided which one it is yet or if it's both.
After I crunched the numbers left for me by the research team (cough) I started trying to find some sort of correlation between the lack of readership and the content of the post. That search proved to be moot because all I concluded was that I was consistent across the board with genius observations and hilarious banter on American sports. That much was clear.
However a senior ranking adviser from the creative department (cough) discovered an abnormality in what kind of music I listen to when writing a post. For most of the last year I've been listening to classical music because I love classical music and it makes me relaxed and put at ease. Well that's exactly the opposite of what the Studly Pastures is about. We're loud, we're abrasive, and we don't do serene. No more classical. It's time for some other classical. I'm writing tonight to the sweet sounds of the Electric Light Orchestra station on Pandora and it's time for some real thoughts.
First off, if a closer comes into a ninth inning with a two-run lead and loses the game he should be demoted or at the very least docked in pay. Your job is to close the game, the very nature of it is in your job title for crying out loud! If I'm the cab driver and you hop in the backseat and tell me where you are going and I say okay and immediately gun the gas pedal and drive into the first light-post I see there's going to be consequences and repercussions! I understand that the job is a high-stress atmosphere. There's never thousands of people watching a cab driver's every move on television but I guess my beef is truly with the lack of ownership. If you give up a walk-off grand slam to lose the game for your team when everything that went wrong was truly your fault the very next thing you should do is answer for it. I want to hear you come out and say, "Well I sucked complete balls tonight and I'm really sorry that I didn't do my job and even beyond that I found some twisted way to make doing my job seem more heroic than it really is. I guess I shouldn't have walked out to the mound and immediately crapped my pants and then proceed to chuck that crap into the stands. I am really sorry about this and can only hope you show mercy."
If that happened I might be a little more forgiving.
Second of all, the NFL Draft is barreling towards us which is always a very exciting time for me here down at the Studly Pastures. I get really worked up about it and always refer to it as NFL Holy Day and everybody wants to know who is going to go number one overall. Well last year an offensive tackle went number one overall and that's always boring but before him the last four number ones were all quarterbacks, which is considered the most important position on the team. In fact you'd you have to go back all the way to 2006 to find when the last defensive end was taken number one overall and that was when the Houston Texans took Mario Williams over Reggie Bush.
I don't know if Johnny Manziel, or Blake Bortles, or Teddy Bridgewater is going to be great in the NFL and maybe they all will be. But I do know this about the NFL and the Houston Texans: getting pressure on the quarterback is very vital and they already have a specialist in J.J. Watt. Get another one! Use the number one draft pick on Jadeveon Clowney. The history of the Houston Texans number one draft picks is David Carr and Mario Williams. David Carr is probably in some sort of veterans hospital and Mario Williams is still playing in the league in Buffalo. Granted, those both sound like Hell on Earth, but at least Williams is still getting a fat paycheck. Take the freak defensive end, create awesome pass-rushing defense, get anybody later in the draft who can throw the ball to your own team more than the other one. There's the formula, don't disappoint me Houston.
Thirdly, and I'm so surprised that's a word, is that we've been together a long time, you and I, faceless entities and I worry that we're just not ourselves anymore. Let's promise each other something right here and now. I'll try harder and so will you. It's not that tough. You could always use a little information and a good laugh and I could always feed my narcissism. It's win-win for the both of us. Let me know what you think, my office is always open.
By the way, if you see Latvia, tell her that you saw me talking to Estonia. That ought a do it.
Float on, graceful swans.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
The Big 100th Post Celebration To End All Other 100 Post Celebrations!
This, my dear faceless entities, marks the centennial post of the Studly Pastures.
It's sort of ridiculous to think that 99 times before this I have tried to involve you in some sort of love and appreciation for something sports related but in a few months we are celebrating our five-year anniversary and I guess the word 'pathetic' would be better suited.
I know I like to reserve the anniversary posts for self-imposed love fests but this is the 100th for crying out loud! This is a benchmark! Years from now when I write post number 756 we'll get to sit and argue whether or not I have to write 763 posts to consider myself the all-time leader or if 756 is good enough because I did it the right way and didn't disrespect the game by cheating. But we'll all remember that it took me five years to get to 100.
100 posts. That means I'm just one dalmatian shy of a snazzy new fur coat. Which, by the way, makes Cruella De Vil the absolute worst of the Disney villains. Anytime you see a litter of puppies and think to yourself, "Hmm they would make a nice outfit", you have deep psychological issues that you need to get worked out stat. Plus nobody uses that cigarette extender anymore, you pretentious wench.
Three nights ago I posted my disdain over the lack of offense by the Tampa Bay Rays thus far. It seemed like every time I put the game on the most ridiculous thing would go in favor of our opponent. On Thursday, we hit into a triple play. A triple play! How nuts is that? There have been 692 triple plays since 1876. There are 30 MLB teams and each of them play 162 regular season games and over the course of the last 138 years there has only been 692 triple plays and I saw one on Thursday night. So I posted that I was done with watching baseball and haven't watched more than two minutes the last two nights. The Rays record the last two nights? 2-0 outscoring the Yankees 27-6. I won't watch another minute this year if it means we win the World Series.
Speaking of baseball, 100 is cool and everything but I think we might put too much emphasis on numbers. For example, 500 home runs was the number for the longest time. If you hit 500 home runs you already had your ticket to Cooperstown and the baseball Hall of Fame. After the steroid era and finding out that 75% of our heroes cheated their way to 500 we've gradually moved away from our love of numbers. Albert Pujols hit his 500th home run the other day and you probably just learned that from me and I only know because I love watching PTI.
If I write 500 posts and 200 of them are not funny or witty, and another 150 were ghost-written by somebody that I've employed because of my huge ego, and then another 50 were just articles I've already written that you've forgotten about because it's been awhile...then where are we at? The Hall of Fame? Not a chance.
See, the steroid era changed baseball like the internet changed the art of writing. You have to do more, you have to be original, and you have to make sure that whatever you do, you never take anything not prescribed by a licensed doctor.
I've always tried to do this rare thing with the Pastures and that's try to make sure I know what I'm talking about. Both the NHL and NBA playoffs are going on right now and that's all I have to say about that.
Kids, tomorrow is the Boston marathon and I'd like to ask you to whatever you are doing tomorrow to sit back and just take a second to be proud of mankind. Tomorrow is more than just some race that some ridiculously skinny person from a foreign county is going to win. It's a slap in the face to oppressors, terrorists, and anybody or anything that wants to create havoc and interfere with our way of life. It's great to be an American, and I'm proud to be an American, but the Boston marathon attracts more than Americans and they're going to show up in droves tomorrow to prove the resilience of human beings.
A marathon in itself is a testament to strength and resolve. It's a battle of endurance and a battle of wits as you power on through the miles. The ability to run just over 26 miles for no greater purpose than just to do it is a perfect example of the human spirit.
Obviously last year the Boston marathon was marred with tragedy by some people who thought they could change the landscape of the human mind but yet again they were completely wrong. Tomorrow is going to the be the biggest Boston marathon ever. Sure there will be more security but it doesn't really matter. There's no feasible way to ensure the safety of thousands of people over 26 miles and they all know that and they don't care. They're gonna run. They're gonna run for last year, for this year, and for all the runners in the coming years.
Isn't that beautiful? They were BOMBED last year and they still don't care. This is their thing and nobody is ever going to take it from them.
To all the runners tomorrow, I salute and thank you, for once again proving that in the face of adversity we humans come out stronger and better. We will persevere, that's assured.
100 posts in. I think I can stick around a little longer.
Float on, graceful swans.
It's sort of ridiculous to think that 99 times before this I have tried to involve you in some sort of love and appreciation for something sports related but in a few months we are celebrating our five-year anniversary and I guess the word 'pathetic' would be better suited.
I know I like to reserve the anniversary posts for self-imposed love fests but this is the 100th for crying out loud! This is a benchmark! Years from now when I write post number 756 we'll get to sit and argue whether or not I have to write 763 posts to consider myself the all-time leader or if 756 is good enough because I did it the right way and didn't disrespect the game by cheating. But we'll all remember that it took me five years to get to 100.
100 posts. That means I'm just one dalmatian shy of a snazzy new fur coat. Which, by the way, makes Cruella De Vil the absolute worst of the Disney villains. Anytime you see a litter of puppies and think to yourself, "Hmm they would make a nice outfit", you have deep psychological issues that you need to get worked out stat. Plus nobody uses that cigarette extender anymore, you pretentious wench.
Three nights ago I posted my disdain over the lack of offense by the Tampa Bay Rays thus far. It seemed like every time I put the game on the most ridiculous thing would go in favor of our opponent. On Thursday, we hit into a triple play. A triple play! How nuts is that? There have been 692 triple plays since 1876. There are 30 MLB teams and each of them play 162 regular season games and over the course of the last 138 years there has only been 692 triple plays and I saw one on Thursday night. So I posted that I was done with watching baseball and haven't watched more than two minutes the last two nights. The Rays record the last two nights? 2-0 outscoring the Yankees 27-6. I won't watch another minute this year if it means we win the World Series.
Speaking of baseball, 100 is cool and everything but I think we might put too much emphasis on numbers. For example, 500 home runs was the number for the longest time. If you hit 500 home runs you already had your ticket to Cooperstown and the baseball Hall of Fame. After the steroid era and finding out that 75% of our heroes cheated their way to 500 we've gradually moved away from our love of numbers. Albert Pujols hit his 500th home run the other day and you probably just learned that from me and I only know because I love watching PTI.
If I write 500 posts and 200 of them are not funny or witty, and another 150 were ghost-written by somebody that I've employed because of my huge ego, and then another 50 were just articles I've already written that you've forgotten about because it's been awhile...then where are we at? The Hall of Fame? Not a chance.
See, the steroid era changed baseball like the internet changed the art of writing. You have to do more, you have to be original, and you have to make sure that whatever you do, you never take anything not prescribed by a licensed doctor.
I've always tried to do this rare thing with the Pastures and that's try to make sure I know what I'm talking about. Both the NHL and NBA playoffs are going on right now and that's all I have to say about that.
Kids, tomorrow is the Boston marathon and I'd like to ask you to whatever you are doing tomorrow to sit back and just take a second to be proud of mankind. Tomorrow is more than just some race that some ridiculously skinny person from a foreign county is going to win. It's a slap in the face to oppressors, terrorists, and anybody or anything that wants to create havoc and interfere with our way of life. It's great to be an American, and I'm proud to be an American, but the Boston marathon attracts more than Americans and they're going to show up in droves tomorrow to prove the resilience of human beings.
A marathon in itself is a testament to strength and resolve. It's a battle of endurance and a battle of wits as you power on through the miles. The ability to run just over 26 miles for no greater purpose than just to do it is a perfect example of the human spirit.
Obviously last year the Boston marathon was marred with tragedy by some people who thought they could change the landscape of the human mind but yet again they were completely wrong. Tomorrow is going to the be the biggest Boston marathon ever. Sure there will be more security but it doesn't really matter. There's no feasible way to ensure the safety of thousands of people over 26 miles and they all know that and they don't care. They're gonna run. They're gonna run for last year, for this year, and for all the runners in the coming years.
Isn't that beautiful? They were BOMBED last year and they still don't care. This is their thing and nobody is ever going to take it from them.
To all the runners tomorrow, I salute and thank you, for once again proving that in the face of adversity we humans come out stronger and better. We will persevere, that's assured.
100 posts in. I think I can stick around a little longer.
Float on, graceful swans.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Bombs Away!
Kids! We're now past three months into the year and like most things that have twelve of something this marks the end of the first quarter of 2014. A quarter into a new year and yet there are still little hiccups that we just can't seem to look past and for that I'm looking at you TSA agents of LAX!
Look, I'm sure it's no picnic to be a TSA agent at a major airport in this day and age. Any time you have to deal with a large percentage of American public you're definitely going to have to handle a few whack jobs. I can remember taking a flight a couple years ago and standing behind a disheveled looking man in full fatigues with a hard metal case as his only luggage and thinking to myself 'worst terrorist ever.' It's never easy to look at a stranger and tell them to take off their shoes as you wave your magic wand all over them and oh by the way, if it beeps, I have to touch you.
On the flip side, however, it's no picnic to have to fly. You have to stand in line after line just to reserve the right to sit in a metal tube for four hours while you either have to A) listen to a baby express their inability to understand why their ears are popping, B) sit next to the sleeping guy that just forsake everything he knew about personal space, or C) get the old lady that's pinpointed you for her entire life story--and she's old--really old. Flying gets progressively better as you reach the legal drinking age but they don't take cash so come prepared.
It's all a big headache and like most big headaches the situation exacerbates itself the more and more you behave like a dick. San Francisco 49ers pass rusher extraordinaire Aldon Smith was detained yesterday at LAX when he decided to go ahead and behave like a dick. One of those little hiccups we still can't get away with after the first quarter of 2014? Yeah, we still can't flip out in an airport and carry on about how we have a bomb. Who knew?
Aldon has had his problems in the past and it's landed him in trouble with the law and in rehab as well but as soon as you start combining the words 'bomb' and 'airplane' now the FBI has to get involved and well, dammit, you're just a big ol' bag of dumb, aren't you? Didn't Ben Stiller teach you anything?
Look, Aldon, I know it's no fun to have some minimum wage employee tell you to take off your shoes and belt like you're being processed for some sort of harvest and you have to remove all your unnatural goods like some weird husk and wouldn't you know it you just got picked for 'additional screening.'
I get it. I feel the same way as you. 'Additional screening' is the 2014 politically correct way of saying 'we don't trust this large black man about to get into a metal tube with a lot of other (white) people.' As a large black man that would irk me too. However, I'm not a large black man, and standing behind that weird, creepy guy wearing the fatigues with the funny suitcase pretty much cleared me of any wrong-doing because the law of averages states what's the odds of TWO potential terrorists standing right beside each other in line at the airport...and 9/11 hasn't taught us anything!
You can't say bomb in an airport...unless you mean it. Everybody knows that. It comes right after, "Don't run with scissors" and it's right before, "Don't go swimming until thirty minutes after eating." And that last one is a bad example because that's a myth. No one has ever been in the ocean, about to plummet into the abyss, and thought to themselves, "Why did I have to have that last chili dog?!" Nope. It's always "Why did I get drunk and drift out into the rip current?!" And that, kids, is a lesson for another day.
It would be simple for the 49ers just to release Smith and move on with their lives but the NFL is a complicated beast and Smith is a proven commodity--a proven commodity that's especially valuable in today's NFL. He can rush the quarterback and can do it very well and that's hard to just wash your hands clean of even despite his misfortunes. But he's already been a nuisance with his past transgressions and he's already been to rehab--so what's next?
Maybe Aldon Smith did just have a really bad day and some jerky TSA agent pushed him to his breaking point. And maybe Aldon Smith has some deeper rooted issues that need to be worked out by professionals. I don't know anything about that but I do understand the NFL from a business standpoint and if I was a high ranking member of the the 49ers organization I would start shopping Aldon Smith immediately. There are plenty of teams that forsake normal human rationale for the ability to play football. Sell him now before that ceiling drops even lower.
Hell, see what New York will pay up for him. The Jets embrace crazy like it falls out of the sky.
It's hard just to 'give up' on somebody but after you've stuck your neck out multiple times and have had the axe come down each and every time I think you're perfectly within the statue of limitations to distance yourself from that person.
Godspeed, Aldon Smith.
Look, I'm sure it's no picnic to be a TSA agent at a major airport in this day and age. Any time you have to deal with a large percentage of American public you're definitely going to have to handle a few whack jobs. I can remember taking a flight a couple years ago and standing behind a disheveled looking man in full fatigues with a hard metal case as his only luggage and thinking to myself 'worst terrorist ever.' It's never easy to look at a stranger and tell them to take off their shoes as you wave your magic wand all over them and oh by the way, if it beeps, I have to touch you.
On the flip side, however, it's no picnic to have to fly. You have to stand in line after line just to reserve the right to sit in a metal tube for four hours while you either have to A) listen to a baby express their inability to understand why their ears are popping, B) sit next to the sleeping guy that just forsake everything he knew about personal space, or C) get the old lady that's pinpointed you for her entire life story--and she's old--really old. Flying gets progressively better as you reach the legal drinking age but they don't take cash so come prepared.
It's all a big headache and like most big headaches the situation exacerbates itself the more and more you behave like a dick. San Francisco 49ers pass rusher extraordinaire Aldon Smith was detained yesterday at LAX when he decided to go ahead and behave like a dick. One of those little hiccups we still can't get away with after the first quarter of 2014? Yeah, we still can't flip out in an airport and carry on about how we have a bomb. Who knew?
Aldon has had his problems in the past and it's landed him in trouble with the law and in rehab as well but as soon as you start combining the words 'bomb' and 'airplane' now the FBI has to get involved and well, dammit, you're just a big ol' bag of dumb, aren't you? Didn't Ben Stiller teach you anything?
Look, Aldon, I know it's no fun to have some minimum wage employee tell you to take off your shoes and belt like you're being processed for some sort of harvest and you have to remove all your unnatural goods like some weird husk and wouldn't you know it you just got picked for 'additional screening.'
I get it. I feel the same way as you. 'Additional screening' is the 2014 politically correct way of saying 'we don't trust this large black man about to get into a metal tube with a lot of other (white) people.' As a large black man that would irk me too. However, I'm not a large black man, and standing behind that weird, creepy guy wearing the fatigues with the funny suitcase pretty much cleared me of any wrong-doing because the law of averages states what's the odds of TWO potential terrorists standing right beside each other in line at the airport...and 9/11 hasn't taught us anything!
You can't say bomb in an airport...unless you mean it. Everybody knows that. It comes right after, "Don't run with scissors" and it's right before, "Don't go swimming until thirty minutes after eating." And that last one is a bad example because that's a myth. No one has ever been in the ocean, about to plummet into the abyss, and thought to themselves, "Why did I have to have that last chili dog?!" Nope. It's always "Why did I get drunk and drift out into the rip current?!" And that, kids, is a lesson for another day.
It would be simple for the 49ers just to release Smith and move on with their lives but the NFL is a complicated beast and Smith is a proven commodity--a proven commodity that's especially valuable in today's NFL. He can rush the quarterback and can do it very well and that's hard to just wash your hands clean of even despite his misfortunes. But he's already been a nuisance with his past transgressions and he's already been to rehab--so what's next?
Maybe Aldon Smith did just have a really bad day and some jerky TSA agent pushed him to his breaking point. And maybe Aldon Smith has some deeper rooted issues that need to be worked out by professionals. I don't know anything about that but I do understand the NFL from a business standpoint and if I was a high ranking member of the the 49ers organization I would start shopping Aldon Smith immediately. There are plenty of teams that forsake normal human rationale for the ability to play football. Sell him now before that ceiling drops even lower.
Hell, see what New York will pay up for him. The Jets embrace crazy like it falls out of the sky.
It's hard just to 'give up' on somebody but after you've stuck your neck out multiple times and have had the axe come down each and every time I think you're perfectly within the statue of limitations to distance yourself from that person.
Godspeed, Aldon Smith.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)