I have mentioned Alex Rodriguez exactly twice in the entire four years that I've been blogging on a unicorn stud farm. The latest time was two months ago when the Biogenesis case first broke open and I declared that the hammer was about to fall. And, of course, the first time was just out of being completely done with Rodriguez as a person in your heroes suck.
And today I learned how to link to my own posts.
Well the hammer has fallen on ARod and MLB has suspended him for 211 games, effective today. Unfortunately this is one of those cases where due process sucks balls because the guy you are dealing with is such an incredible asshole that he doesn't even recognize when it's finally time to go quietly into the night. He's appealed the suspension and I guess because the arbitrator in the case has a firm stick up his ass because the appeal might not be decided until DECEMBER. Meanwhile, the jerk gets to play baseball games.
Okay, I get it, there's a lot to soak in. You have to find Tony Bosch, resident weasel and leak to the Biogenesis lab, a credible and worthy witness. That's going to be tough to do considering I wouldn't trust Bosch to make me a ham sandwich and have it not contain some sort of incriminating evidence. Then after all of that you have to wade through a mile of paperwork that may or may not be fabricated.
With that said, the man in question is Alex Rodriguez. You know that old childhood riddle where your mom, your best friend, and the girl you love are stranded on the road and you are driving a car that only has room for two people? Well ARod's answer is to just keep driving and only slow down long enough so that all three of them can see his middle finger.
I've heard that ARod refuses to pee in the shower because he would rather bottle it up and drink it later because unlike Snapple, it's made from the greatest stuff on Earth.
When John Wayne Gacy, convicted of sexually assaulting and killing young boys, was put to death by lethal injection his final words were, "Hey, at least I'm not Alex Rodriguez!"
Okay, okay, this got out of control rather quickly. MOST of these things didn't happen but the basic principle remains the same and that's Alex Rodriguez is a terrible human being.
Thanks to the New York Yankees being awesome contract negotiators ARod only has to hit 13 more home runs to make a $6 million bonus. You can see his initiative for appealing and trying to play this year. Oh he's come out and said how he's trying to fight for his life and be a good role model for his daughters but it's all bullshit. He wants that money.
Here's what's going to happen: ARod's suspension will hold, MLB will make sure of it. This is Bud Selig's swan song and pinnacle moment of his legacy and after they got Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez became the poster child of this whole ordeal. This one's not getting away.
So after the suspension he'll be over 40 with a bum hip and out of baseball for almost two full years. He'll probably come back and try to play but it will end up really sad and pathetic, just like Derek Jeter, except nobody will feel bad for him like they do Jeter because ARod has always been the scum of the Earth.
This is how it ends, kids, and the way that he's swinging these days he'll be hard pressed to hit 13 homers in the 49 or so games that the Yankees have left because they ain't making the post season this year. This is the end of Alex Rodriguez, and like so many public sports figures, he can try and delay the inevitable by appealing and fighting in court but the one thing he cannot stop is time. That will be his, yours, and my death blow. Time.
Time is a mean son of a bitch and not even a slippery ass bag like Alex Rodriguez can escape it. Good luck hitting 13, douche.
Well said.
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