Warning: Contains Expletives

Well kids, the dreaded month of June is almost over and I simply cannot wait.

As a wee lad roaming the luscious green fields and prairies of America's heartland and blah blah blah...I hate the summer time.  Get ready for two months of strictly baseball highlights and hot dog eating contests.  While I do like baseball, I really only like MY team and could give two craps about the awesome play some other team made, Sportscenter.  Oh, Manny Machado made a cool grab on a blooper?  I'm just upset that his wrist didn't snap.  Hey, Ichiro Suzuki hit a walk-off home run?  Even Yankee fans find that appalling.

The College World Series might as well be daytime television.  It's confusing, boring, and the named characters always prevail.  I'm pretty sure UCLA won and I say pretty sure because the format on how they determine a winner is pretty much how the BCS rankings work: it's purely random.  Kudos to UCLA but I'm sure the congratulatory card from John Wooden would have read, "Congrats on your first title, UCLA baseball, I think it's really cute."

Hockey is over and I say this with full respect but THANK GOODNESS.  I'm sorry, I'm not a hockey fan, but I love hockey fans.  I understand your admiration and genuine love so I get pissed off when Gary Bettman decides to dick around with that.  I don't hate hockey, I hate Bettman, and I hate the system that he's currently utilizing.  When a great event like the Stanley Cup finals rolls around, and Bettman is presiding, and fans are going nuts, and television ratings are high, I can't help but think, "You FOOLS!  This is what he wanted all along!"

However, if you find yourself locked in a room with David Stern, Gary Bettman, and Satan with a loaded pistol with two bullets (I will probably find myself in this scenario), what you do is shoot Bettman twice and try to convince Satan that Stern is after his job.  That's right, the NBA is done now too.  Kudos to San Antonio for collectively shitting the bed and letting, er, um, excuse me, "letting" LeBron hold claim to his second title.  But most importantly is that Stern now goes into his "nesting" period to prepare for next year's harvest.  I'm still not convinced that he's retiring.  Taking David Stern away from the NBA commissioner job is like taking Paula Deen away from a man that shits butter...they aren't going anywhere until your ass is chewed off.  I won't even be satisfied when he does step down because he's probably just manipulating someone more powerful than him to upset the balance in the force.  And if you didn't get that blatant Star Wars reference here's the gist: I think that David Stern is the Sith Lord.

Now back to the MLB.  It's June.  The Tampa Bay Rays play in the AL East (the best division in baseball) and I'm supposed to care over the peanut squabbling?  Come talk to me in the fall when shit gets real and I start drinking because the Dolphins are doing so terribly and the Rays are on the cusp but juuuuuuusssst can't seem to reach it.

So what do we do until the NFL comes back?  Hell if I know.  All I know is that the Studly Pastures anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks and I feel like the fat girl on the couch, wearing sweat pants, and crying into a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream (I chose that flavor because if you don't like it, you're a weirdo).

Maybe we should get a hobby.  I mean, working here on the unicorn stud farms tends to take up most of my day, but there's always the quiet aftermath.  What then?  I heard dream catchers are a fun project.  But that's kind of lame and then after you make them, what are you going to do?  Hang them on your wall?  Get a booth at the flea market?  You can't do that and expect people to still talk to you.

Alright kids, just grab a cold one, hunker down and watch some Netflix (they aren't paying me, I swear) and I will be back in July to celebrate myself.  Take care.

Holy Crap, I'm Three!

Hey kids, guess what?!  It's the three year anniversary of the Studly Pastures!!!

I know exactly what you're thinking too.  You're thinking, wow, for something that's been around for three years it's pretty antiquated and not very popular.

And you would be right.

I tried to sell out, I really did.  I put advertisements on here that have earned me almost fifty cents.

My most-read post was about Charlie Sheen during the height of his craziness.  In fact, being a blogger for three years has pretty much taught me the ropes.  Any time I mention someone like Sheen, or LeBron James, or Justin Bieber, or Katie Holmes, or Fidel Castro, or the Beatles, or Scooby Doo, or Santa Claus, or Steve Buschemi, or McDonalds, Google will pretty much put me at the top of the list for anybody that's searching for anything remotely close to any of those people.

It's pretty interesting to know that I can write entire posts without any sort of substance in it and all I have to do is name drop a few times and then BAM I'm front page.

That's the glory of today's communication process.  People haven't gotten smarter or more profound--or hell, even literate--they're just easier to hear.

I have a very simple answer for why I operate the SP.  I'm narcissistic and love to go back and read about what I thought about certain events in life.  True story.  I really could give two craps about what you think.  I don't even know you.  To me, you're just some faceless statistic that I check every now and again to see exactly how many faceless entities are actually reading my soap box declarations.

If I want to write about how Steve Nash going to the Lakers is what makes me hate the NBA and why just about every other major sport is run better than this one and I blather on and on just like I would sitting in a room by myself, I find it really bizarre that someone from Moldova would read that and be like, "Yeah, you tell them!" (Or however that would translate in Moldovian.  I'm not even really sure if they speak Moldovian, I'm not doing any research.)  (Sorry, Moldova.)

I'm huge in Eastern Europe by the way.  I'm their David Hasselhoff.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the system is wonderfully flawed.  There is absolutely no reason why a blog based on a fictional stud farm for unicorns, run by someone who boldly refers to himself as The Creator, should have ever pandered on for three years...let alone be actually read by people.

It's ludicrous.  Shame on you.

But I love you and I try my best for you, faceless entities.  I wish I could tell you I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this thing but I have air conditioning and a fear of blood.  Plus, men don't cry.

Thanks for three great years and here's to at least fifty million more!

If You Can't Stand The Heat...

Hah, what a clever title! It's a double entendre in honor of it being the day after Bastille Day but also relevant because of the villainization of a 'King'.

LeBron James recently captivated a nation--dare I say, the world--with his free agency Decision (ESPN's lawyers will crucify me if I don't capitalize that word) to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh with the Miami Heat.

So the jerk proved me wrong but now he's consensually hated by pretty much everybody outside of South Beach so I'm still going to chalk up the victory to me.

Which brings us to why exactly LeBron is hated now. Like Louis XVI, James was given a raw deal from the start.

War-happy Louis XV basically bankrupted France and left the people poor and hungry. Then he tossed the reigns to Louis XVI and said, "Good luck, sucker!" Naturally, the most reasonable course was revolution and Louis XVI soon found himself without a head.

Was that necessarily his fault? Of course not. The people need to find somebody to hate when their lives suck and that person is usually the one who has it so much better than everybody else.

Enter LeBron James. James, the most talented basketball player, maybe ever, was sent to toil away in Cleveland for seven years with the likes of Damon Jones, Eric Snow, and some guy named Sasha Pavlovic. Sasha, for crying out loud!

Then having paid his dues and fulfilling his contract, and also realizing that it's impossible to win a championship by your own damn self when nobody else in the NBA is having to do it by their own damn selves, he's martyred for leaving for a new team.

Words like 'traitor' and 'coward' were thrown out there from people who were singing his praises just the night before the Decision.

Why haven't we heard reports out of Toronto of people burning Chris Bosh jerseys and calling him a coward? Because the people of Toronto know that he made the right decision!

Cleveland, you have been duped yet again. LeBron isn't the villain, it's the complete lack of intelligence on the part of ownership and management to not deliver help for James. The Cavaliers for the last seven years gave Lebron the reigns and said, "Good luck, sucker!"

Louis XVI wasn't the real villain of France, it was Louis XV! Yet, Louis XVI is the one who gets his head lopped off.

Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavs, did a marvelous job of what we call in the 'biz' of creating a smokescreen. He releases a letter (which contains one of the best temper tantrums I have ever seen) blasting James credibility and distracting us all from who is really to blame in this whole mess.

The result? Riots in the streets, the burning of jerseys, and a security threat to LeBron James.

Viva le resistance!

Brongasm

NBA superstar LeBron James will announce tomorrow night where he's going to sign his much anticipated contract decision.

James will announce his decision during a live one-hour television event that's sure to be right up there in people's memories with the JFK assassination and 9/11.

The event will be followed by a live one-hour press conference from the team that signs him to announce that part of the deal was to rename themselves the LeBron Jameses and that everybody in the city has to wear a headband at all times.

Let me shine a little light on you people here. He's staying in Cleveland. He'll get up there and talk about how it's his "hometown" and he could never imagine playing against them and blah, blah, blah.

The fact of the matter is, that he really doesn't have any proven options other than Cleveland. What, he's going to go join Amar'e in New York? Or start over again in New Jersey? Those teams are at least four years away from being viable in playoff talk--let alone win a championship.

So they're out.

Now that Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade are teaming up in Miami, the Chicago Bulls would have to bank on their B-grade guys (Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah) to lure Bron, so they're out.

So that leaves Miami as the only team outside of Ohio with a shot at the self-proclaimed King.

The guy, who feels it necessary to stop the world with a one-hour televised event to announce his decision, is going to leave what is his team to go join Wade's? Never, ever, ever going to happen.

Miami is always going to be Wade's team, with people around him, even if one of them was the stature of LeBron James.

All in all, nothing really happened this summer. The biggest names stayed in their cities and Los Angeles still has the best team.

But, hey, I could be wrong.*

*Necessary disclaimer by author for when proven wrong.

Feel free to comment on where you think Bron is going to go or any thoughts you have on the NBA in general.