A For Effort, A-Fraud

I have mentioned Alex Rodriguez exactly twice in the entire four years that I've been blogging on a unicorn stud farm.  The latest time was two months ago when the Biogenesis case first broke open and I declared that the hammer was about to fall.  And, of course, the first time was just out of being completely done with Rodriguez as a person in your heroes suck.

And today I learned how to link to my own posts.

Well the hammer has fallen on ARod and MLB has suspended him for 211 games, effective today.  Unfortunately this is one of those cases where due process sucks balls because the guy you are dealing with is such an incredible asshole that he doesn't even recognize when it's finally time to go quietly into the night.  He's appealed the suspension and I guess because the arbitrator in the case has a firm stick up his ass because the appeal might not be decided until DECEMBER.  Meanwhile, the jerk gets to play baseball games.

Okay, I get it, there's a lot to soak in.  You have to find Tony Bosch, resident weasel and leak to the Biogenesis lab, a credible and worthy witness.  That's going to be tough to do considering I wouldn't trust Bosch to make me a ham sandwich and have it not contain some sort of incriminating evidence.  Then after all of that you have to wade through a mile of paperwork that may or may not be fabricated.

With that said, the man in question is Alex Rodriguez.  You know that old childhood riddle where your mom, your best friend, and the girl you love are stranded on the road and you are driving a car that only has room for two people?  Well ARod's answer is to just keep driving and only slow down long enough so that all three of them can see his middle finger.

I've heard that ARod refuses to pee in the shower because he would rather bottle it up and drink it later because unlike Snapple, it's made from the greatest stuff on Earth.

When John Wayne Gacy, convicted of sexually assaulting and killing young boys, was put to death by lethal injection his final words were, "Hey, at least I'm not Alex Rodriguez!"

Okay, okay, this got out of control rather quickly.  MOST of these things didn't happen but the basic principle remains the same and that's Alex Rodriguez is a terrible human being.

Thanks to the New York Yankees being awesome contract negotiators ARod only has to hit 13 more home runs to make a $6 million bonus.  You can see his initiative for appealing and trying to play this year.  Oh he's come out and said how he's trying to fight for his life and be a good role model for his daughters but it's all bullshit.  He wants that money.

Here's what's going to happen: ARod's suspension will hold, MLB will make sure of it.  This is Bud Selig's swan song and pinnacle moment of his legacy and after they got Ryan Braun, Alex Rodriguez became the poster child of this whole ordeal.  This one's not getting away.

So after the suspension he'll be over 40 with a bum hip and out of baseball for almost two full years.  He'll probably come back and try to play but it will end up really sad and pathetic, just like Derek Jeter, except nobody will feel bad for him like they do Jeter because ARod has always been the scum of the Earth.

This is how it ends, kids, and the way that he's swinging these days he'll be hard pressed to hit 13 homers in the 49 or so games that the Yankees have left because they ain't making the post season this year.  This is the end of Alex Rodriguez, and like so many public sports figures, he can try and delay the inevitable by appealing and fighting in court but the one thing he cannot stop is time.  That will be his, yours, and my death blow.  Time.

Time is a mean son of a bitch and not even a slippery ass bag like Alex Rodriguez can escape it.  Good luck hitting 13, douche.

Johnny Be Good

Well kids, it's August, and I'm back in full form and ready to educate the masses on life, sports, and hell, whatever else you want to know about.  Including Hell...which is where Johnny Manziel has found himself the past four or five months.

I felt bad for Johnny Football.  I really did.  The kid wins the Heisman as a freshman, first person to ever do so, and is immediately thrown under the same scrutiny as the rest of the Heisman winners.  How is that fair?  He doesn't even get the chance to rail through a few sorority skanks, maybe brush elbows with some boosters, and get absolutely hammered on grain alcohol in the freezing snow with just a Speedo on.  That's college, folks, that's how we learn.

And A.J. McCarron?  You officially need to shut up.  Nobody likes you, you aren't cool.  You're a boring figure-head on a team that's carried you on their collective NFL-ready shoulders.  You should get your masters at Alabama because third-string on the San Diego Chargers pays you in churros.  You're not better than Manziel because he has a Heisman and you have a "Best Timing in the NCAA" award.

I really wish the Heisman Trust people would stop pretending that they are the Illuminati and this ever-expanding cult that controls everything and realize all they do is vote on who the best player is in COLLEGE football each year.  It's the NCAA, which is terribly flawed, and it's college kids, which believe it or not, are flawed!

Johnny Manziel is a 20-year old kid.  Now that I've said it maybe he'll stop reminding us.  But because he's won the Heisman we're supposed to shake our heads every time he grabs a beer or sleeps in a little late and misses Peyton Manning's football camp?  Did you just read what I wrote?  Peyton Manning's football camp!?  Getting excused from that is like getting promoted to Advanced Reading from Remedial Book Learning With Colors.  Johnny was too hungover to make macaroni necklaces that day, Peyton, let's get over it.

Then he got booted out of a University of Texas frat party.  Johnny, recognize when your guardian angel is looking out for you.  If I accidentally stumbled my way into a University of Texas frat party I can only imagine what kinds of terrible S&M livestock activities are going on in those dark hallways.  I just shuddered...I'm not kidding.  They're the longhorns for Christ sakes, get outta there!

Aaaaand now we have reports that he's been profiting off of autographs which is a BIG no-no in the NCAA.  Basically if you work for the NCAA you better not make any money...but I digress, that's my argument for another day.

First of all, how big of a scum bag can you be (or rather how popular can you get) that you charge people for signing your own name on something.  That's incredible to me.  "Oh this football is worth seven dollars, hold on a second, BLAM, now it's gonna be expensive in 30 years."

Second of all, why are we getting the autograph of a 20-year old?  I'd be less upset about this if I found out that he was only signing sorority girls' boobs...and still charging!  That's pretty boss.

The worst part, even though I saw Manziel circling the drain a couple of months ago, is that all it will take the crazy ass NCAA to take away his eligibility is ONE spurned person.  That's it.  No questions asked, this is what you get and I wouldn't be surprised if they go after the Heisman.

But then I also had this thought: Hey, maybe if the Heisman Trust was truly about not only on-field play but also how the person conducts himself in the community then I guess a freshman wasn't exactly the best pick because he was in freakin' high school a year ago!  When I was a freshman I would skip classes not because I was drunk or on drugs but just because I could and nobody would yell at me.  Take that, general society!

Here's the thing: the Heisman Trust is owned by the NCAA and the NCAA is owned by the same thing that birthed David Stern and Gary Bettman.  It's all evil and it doesn't matter what you do because you're going down regardless.

I recognize the rational part of American society and a Tits for Tat  program is ingenious, especially if you're popular enough to get away with it, which Johnny Manziel is.  Which 20-year old hot shit in this room is turning down that kind of action?  That's what I thought.

Can't we all just reach back and remember what it was like to have everything in the palm of our hand and then go right ahead and piss it all away on trivial things?  Doesn't anybody remember what it means to be young?  Leave the kid alone.  I'm sure he's gotten a chick pregnant by now anyways.  Let the autograph thing go away.