Phelps is First

Michael Phelps, America's beloved swimming champion and poo-brained Subway marketer, now stands alone at the pinnacle of Olympic greatness.

Phelps, who already has the most gold medals in history, now has the most medals overall as well.  His performance in London 2012 hasn't been nearly as dominating as it was in Beijing 2008 but he is still in every medal conversation.

And speaking of conversations, there seems to be some debate about whether or not Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time or not.

And I'm not really sure why.  Where's the debate here?

He has the MOST medals of out anybody else in the entire history of the Olympics.  Seems pretty simple to me.  He's the greatest.  Like, for sure.  It's pretty definite.

Let me explain something here: in every sport there is something that is to be attained, some sort of goal.  Whether it's trophies, medals, ribbons, gift certificates to Denny's, bejeweled crowns, women, etc.  Whatever it is, when you have the most, you are the greatest!

Oh you beat me once or twice?  That's nice.  I have the MOST!

Michael Phelps is so good that they interviewed him after somebody else won a gold medal.  Not to mention that they interviewed him and he can't even speak!

In Beijing, he entered eight events and won every single one of them.  That's never been done before.

So, he's had a better individual performance at an Olympics than everybody else and now his career Olympics records is better than everybody else.

I never understood why everybody has a problem with trying to decide who is number one in a sport with such an expansive pool of competitors.  I get what you are saying.  It's impossible to determine which sport is more difficult than the other one.  It's also hard to compare athletes of twenty years ago with the athletes of today thanks to advances in technology and training.

But if you are going to focus on something at the Olympics, you focus on medals.  That's the measuring stick and last I checked Phelps was at the top.

And that number is still rising, by the way.  Literally as I type this, Phelps is winning more gold.

Going For The Gold

A week from now, ESPN the Magazine will unveil their new 'body' issue.  If you are unfamiliar with this, it's where athletes pose nude so we can marvel at their Zeus-crafted bodies.

It's also misleading advertising because they don't show any nip and they include dudes too.  A rather disgusting affair, if you ask me.

However, in this particular issue of ESPN the Magazine is a rather intriguing article by Sam Allpour about what goes on in the Olympic Village.

The 2012 Summer Olympics are slated to begin in London at the end of this month and it turns out what we really thought was a friendly, peace-keeping worldly tradition is really just a big excuse for an international sex orgy.

That's right, kids, it's plausible to believe that Michael Phelps will win the 200m butterfly and then head back to the Olympic Village to butterfly a Czech while a Russian watches.  Okay, maybe that's not as plausible since Phelps has quite a large amount of 'tard in him, but it definitely happens for the normal athletes.

From Allpour's article, Hope Solo, the extremely attractive American women's goalkeeper said herself, "There's a lot of sex going on."  And Ryan Lochte, Phelps' main competition this summer said, "I'd say it's 70 percent to 75 percent of Olympians."

Good lord.  How can we possibly cheer on the good natured competition between our countries when three-quarters of the time we're just going to go back to our bunks and bang each other?

Of course, once you sit back and think about it, it's all fairly obvious.  We've assembled together the world's fittest and toned bodies, who have just spent the majority of their life working on their routine, and crammed them all together in a room and told them to govern themselves.  That's like letting a fat camp have a sleep-over at a bakery/pizzeria.

You're just begging for all hell to break loose.  And now that the cat's out of the bag about the promiscuity going around the Olympic Village, hosting cities are ordering prophylactics in huge numbers.  The going rate right now is 100,000.  100,000 condoms are being sent to London right now, just for the Olympics.  Awesome.

I'll never make fun of a male gymnast again.  Hell, I won't even be able to watch them this summer without thinking, "You lucky bastard."  Sure, he's got to do a floor routine in an embarrassing sequined one-piece but he's going to bed at least three girls that don't even speak his language later.  It's a give and take thing.

And it really is too bad that Michael Phelps has the doo-doo brain.  Apparently the Olympic Villagers consider the swimmers and water polo-ers to have the best bodies.  Not to mention that Phelps is the most dominant force to hit the Olympics in this era.  With that deadly combination he could probably spread his seed enough to take over the world in the next decade.

Prospective fathers, I encourage you, push your son towards something stupid like badminton, or kayaking, or even that stupid horse shit.  Trust me, he'll thank you in the end.

It can't be that hard to make it in those events and that's all you need for him.  Just to get his foot in the door...