The Grand Return

It's back, kids!

The NFL kicks off it's regular season this evening in a rematch of divisional playoff teams from a year ago: the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos.  While this game probably won't live up to the instant classic that it was last year (nor does it have nearly as many implications) it's still good to see the boys back on the field.

By the way, Baltimore is playing AT Denver, becoming the first reigning Super Bowl champion to start on the road since the 2003 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and that was mostly because less people give a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers than they do about probiotics.  Stop peddling me your dirty bacteria pills, Erin Andrews, they might affect the tapeworm I purposely swallowed.  It's bikini season.

The Ravens have the luxury of starting on the road because the Baltimore Orioles are supreme assholes and think that their precious regular season baseball game is more important than the reigning Super Bowl champions returning to the field.  The Orioles last won the World Series in 1983 which was thirty friggin' years ago.  That means people like Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and every girl I've ever dated has never seen the Baltimore Orioles win the World Series.  But you know what they have seen?  The Baltimore Ravens win TWO Super Bowls!  I wish the two commissioners would get together and make the Orioles play their game at four in the morning, with no lights on, and the infield is made of cow manure.  It's only fair.

Last year I made some bold predictions like how Andrew Luck would win Rookie of the Year and that it would be the New Orleans Saints and the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl and I was exactly right about one of those things.  If only I had actually said they would win it too...not sure why I stopped short of going all the way.  I guess I take this thing way too seriously.

Well that's not going to be the case this year!  I'm not taking this seriously at all!  You have my solemn promise!

So let's go division by division and sort this whole thing out, shall we?  What?  Don't you have the stones to follow me?!

AFC NORTH: Hmmm...this is the division that the reigning champs are in but their roster looks a lot different than it did last year.  Ray Lewis retired, Ed Reed went to the Texans, and Joe Flacco stole everybody else's salaries.  So unless Flacco can lead the team in passing yards, touchdowns, receptions, tackles and punt returns, I don't see the Ravens winning the division.  My pick is awarded to the Cincinnati Bengals!  That's right, kids, the Bungles!  Andy Dalton and AJ Green have a legitimate connection and now with James Harrison on defense, who is a veritable psychotic, I think the tigers have what it takes to claim the AFC North.

AFC SOUTH: This is going to be the Houston Texans division, for sure.  Oh I'm sure Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts will play their little oil-fueled hearts out but the cows are taking this one.  Matt Schaub has very little hair left, they have a black guy named Arian, and Andre Johnson is about a year away from being "too old for this shit."

AFC EAST: Well this is the division that the Miami Dolphins play in and as a life-long fan and a true believer in them I have no choice but to pick against them.  When you've loved something long enough you'll always go with the option to be surprised than to be disappointed because you really just can't go any lower.  So if the Dolphins are out and the Bills and Jets are fielding starting quarterbacks that would be better suited making iced coffees at Starbucks then I have no choice but to hand it over to the freakin' New England Patriots...again.  You win one more time Brady but heed my warning: this shall be the last year.

AFC WEST: I'm not going to go so far as to say that Denver will be the first team to lock up their division but I will go so far as to say that if they don't then something terrible has happened to Peyton "Forrest" Manning.  The only way that the Broncos don't win this division is if Ol' Slack Jaw has his bionic neck short-circuit causing him not to be able to eat Oreos properly.  Relax Mile High, this won't happen for Manning is my mortal enemy and he will continue to mock me at every turn.  However, if it does by some miracle of Satan, then this division is up for grabs.  Literally.  They should toss a coin.

NFC NORTH: I don't trust the Bears without Urlacher...I really don't.  Remember in Remember the Titans how the star linebacker finally learned acceptance of black people and then he went and got in a car accident and it paralyzed him but the team still went out and won the game regardless?  Yeah it's not gonna be like that for Chicago.  This division lies in the godforsaken wasteland of humanity in the northern end of Wisconsin in Green Bay!  The Packers have Aaron Rodgers which is enough to say just like saying the Patriots have Tom Brady circa 2004-2005.  They added a cool running back and still get to play the Detroit Lions and Minnesota Vikings twice a year.  Go pack, go!

NFC SOUTH: I picked the Saints to go to the Super Bowl last year and they made me look like a tremendous ass.  To make matters worse, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino's single season passing record all while on the road to missing the playoffs completely.  I wish I could afford the kind of pillow that Drew Brees can that lets him sleep at night but it's probably made out of dodo bird feathers, the softest down known to man as far as you know.  So, by reason of angst, I am taking the Atlanta Falcons because who gives a crap about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and whatever other team is in this division.

NFC EAST: Oh sweet baby Jesus...the NFC East?!  Sean Bean has a better shot at staying alive in things he is cast for than I do at picking the winner of the 'who barely makes it over .500 wins it' division.  I can't pick the Cowboys because Tony Romo.  I can't pick the Eagles because Michael Vick.  So it's down between the Redskins and Giants.  Well if recent history has taught me anything about coming back with a bionic knee then you are going to be a better player than you were before and the Redskins were the winners last year.  Robert Griffin 3.0 will lead his team again to victory.

NFC WEST: This is tricky too but only because there are two teams that are actually capable of winning the division and I am of course talking about the Seattle Seahawks and the San Francisco 49ers.  The Niners made it to the Super Bowl last year and almost pulled it out before they got Flacco'ed.  I like the idea that the Niners have put forth and I like their coach.  Jim Harbaugh  is Rex Ryan if Rex Ryan never woke up one morning with some misplaced sense of self-worth.  But I do not like Colin Kaepernick.  He is quickly becoming one of those quarterbacks that just leave a bad taste in your mouth and it's probably because they haven't showered.  I am going to go with Seattle for the West.  They put forth a team a lot like the Niners but I think their defense is better suited to go against the other team and that will be the difference in this division.

AFC WILD CARDS: Baltimore and Indianapolis.

NFC WILD CARDS: New Orleans and San Francisco.

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Okay so now you know how I laid out exactly how the playoffs are going to shape out and now I am going to tell you who makes it to the championship game in each league.  Do you like how I lead you by the hand there, you big dummy?  If I was a good writer I would go back and delete all of this.  I am taking the chalk in that I think Denver will reach the AFC Championship game.  But I think that the Houston Texans are going to beat them.  There's a damn good chance that this game will be played in Denver and that suits the Texans just fine because Baltimore showed the world last year that the Broncos are not invulnerable at home even in a cold ass game.  I am making this pick for the same reason I picked Baltimore last year and that's because I think this is the last feasible year for them to get it done.  Texans win over Denver 24-21

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: I have Seattle already locked into this game.  I think they beat out the Niners and I think they bury the Falcons.  Now because I'm a sucker for high drama I think the team they will meet in the NFC Championship is the Green Bay Packers.  How great would it be to have a rematch of the 'Hail Mary that never was' then right here in the Super Bowl deciding game?  I think Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers go at it harder than a couple of pit bulls in Rosie O'Donnell's underwear drawer and you can do with that what you please.  In the end, however, the birds prevail over the cheese heads.  Seattle wins 34-31.

SUPER BOWL: Seattle beats Houston 28-17.  How's that for predictions?  I came down a long and twisted road to get to this point and if I'm right I am moving to Vegas.  And per usual, if I am found to be wrong...well...at least I put myself out there, dammit!