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Monday, November 21, 2011

Said The Horse To The Dolphin

Hey Miami Dolphins, we couldn't help but notice that you have won your last three games in a row! Good for you! That's a really impressive stat, especially when you look at your 0-7 start. We'll be rooting for you when you play the Cowboys on Thanksgiving.

Of course we will. We'll be cheering and laughing at the same time. While your inbred, ridiculous fans cheer on an unimportant winning streak in the mire of a lost season, we'll be cheering on the guaranteed prospect of Andrew Luck.

You stupid ingrates, you were just too proud, weren't you? You were just too good to lose out, weren't you? You never had the guts to suck up in the first place and choke to death on. It's Andrew Luck! The can't miss, next Peyton, thing-you-haven't-had-in-forever Quarterback!

We were willing to alienate our fan-base from the announcement of Peyton's second...er...we think...neck surgery. We shoved 'some guy' into the fire after the third(?) surgery and gosh dangit, would you know it? He sucks. Somehow, we find our lucky, giving-up asses on the verge on the next Peyton. Suck it, Miami.



I hope the break was enough. If it wasn't, this is my voice now, not the Indianapolis Colts...not sure why I had to insult myself so early in the beginning...

Of course I knew why I had to bash myself. I lost my path. I got swept up in that (damn) media story of the next 'Dan Marino' and hoping it was some guy like me only from Stanford, taller, stronger, better thrower, and way prettier. I'm no Andrew Luck, Andrew Luck is no Dan Marino, and Dan Marino is no Matt Moore. Matt Moore is not a great quarterback. He's a great quarterback RIGHT now. The Dolphins have won THREE games. THREE years from now, he might be selling insurance, but that's the point. I don't care about tomorrow; I care about right now. Go Matt Moore, Go!

I hope that Andrew Luck is the payment that was coming on the blood diamond that was Peyton Manning. If only Andrew Luck would simply venture down the path of Ryan Leaf-dom, then all would be right in the world of the NFL. And I simply say that, because in my weird ass head, that seems fair. Live in mediocrity at best for a decade, Colts. Christ, would it kill you?

Look, Andrew Luck might be the next greatest quarterback of all-time OR he might be THE greatest quarterback of all-time. My point is, he's not playing for the Dolphins, so shit on him.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Unhappy Valley

I, like most children in our society, was raised based upon three simple principles: always be honest, never steal, and always try to do the right thing.

As you get older, you realize that sometimes these guidelines get in the way of certain areas in your life. For instance, you're going to have to lie to your significant other from time to time, that's just the way it is. It's for self-preservation.

However, the major stuff isn't very hard to keep right. First of all, it's crammed down your throat everywhere you go. Your school, your job, your Home Owners Association...they all have codes of conduct and rules of ethics that must be followed or you suffer the consequence. It's the first paper they make you take home and sign every single grade from kindergarten to 12th.

Moral ethics are unavoidable. You know what they are, whether you use them or not, is up to you. This is something that can be said for all of mankind, big or small.

With that said, I have no defense for Joe Paterno. The man has been God in Pennsylvania for the last sixty years and the best he can do is pass the word along? You're Joe Paterno!

So McQueary comes to you and says he saw Sandusky doing "something" in the showers with a minor, no warning flags shot off in your head? What the hell could "something" possibly mean? Should it matter if the preceding words before that are "old man", "little boy", and "showers"?

Why didn't you march your khaki-ass down to the showers, pull Sandusky out of there, beat the hell out of him and then turn him over the authorities? Was it because you already knew, Joe? You worked with the man for 30 years. In 30 years he managed to keep his biggest and darkest secret from the man closest to him without so much as a hint?

How big can a kingdom get before you don't worry about it crumbling to salt around you? Man lets legend consume him and then it becomes too late to stop. You become bigger than you are and you forget what's right.

Instead of sitting in your house, feeling sorry for yourself for getting fired, maybe you should read the Grand Jury release, Joe. It's 23 pages, of vivid description, of what your friend Jerry Sandusky did to ruin the lives of children he was pretending to help. He SNAKED them out of the charity he set up, Joe. He showered with them on Penn State's campus, in your kingdom. Where the hell where you, Joe?

Paterno said looking back now with hindsight, he wish he had done more. Well look back further, Joe. All your accomplishments, the record bowl wins, the two national championships, and all the years of wearing the crown...it's all hollow. It all loses meaning and there is a tarnish on everything. You traded your moral fiber for a cardboard crown.

But hey, what does it matter. You're 84 years old, you've lived your life. These boys, however, are now in their twenties. What about their lives, Joe? What are you going to do for them?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Smokin' Joe and Greatness

Joe Frazier died last night.

Ali released a statement that said, "I will always remember Joe with admiration and respect."

Yeah, right.

I'm sure Greatness had a few more thoughts he would have liked to have tacked on to that statement. After all, these two hated each other with a violent passion that defined the sport of boxing. Arguably, the two greatest fights ever were fought between these two men: the 'Fight of the Century' in NYC where Frazier handed Ali his first professional loss and the 'Thrilla in Manila' where the two men almost killed each other.

'Thrilla in Manila' was such a brutal slug-fest that it's still uncomfortable to watch on ESPN Classic even after knowing the outcome.

Still, the way that the two handled each other outside of the ring was quite the battle itself. Ali referenced Frazier as an "ugly gorilla" and once called him an "Uncle Tom".

Frazier was furious. He saw Ali as the embodiment of foolish pride. How dare he declare himself the Greatest? Frazier took it upon himself to give the fool his fall and he did in the 'Fight of the Century'. Even though they fought two more times, and each of the three fights were epic battles, Frazier could never emerge from the shadow of Greatness.

When Ali lit the torch at the Atlanta Olympic Games, Frazier said he wish he was there so he could push him in.

Ali was already stricken with Parkinson's Disease by then.

I remember an interview with Frazier's brother a couple of years ago and the guy asked him if there had been any give in the rivalry over the years that had passed. In other words, was Frazier still pissed at Ali after all this time?

Frazier's brother gave a little smirk and picked up his cell phone and called his brother. Frazier didn't answer, but the voice mail picked up and the following message played:

"My name is Smokin' Joe Frazier, sharp as a razor.
Yeah, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee,
I'm the man who done the job, look and see."

The irony of it all is as much as the two men beat each other down, they were building up their legends at the same time. Joe Frazier will never be remembered without mentioning Muhammad Ali, and vice versa.

Could you imagine that? The one man you hate more than anything on the planet is responsible for your own greatness...your immortality. With that said, of course Frazier is going to take credit for Ali's Parkinson's.

Frazier dies quickly after a brief battle with cancer and Ali's own end gets drawn out in torturous fashion. I bet he's laughing about that too.

Till the bitter end, Smokin'Joe, till the bitter end.