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Monday, July 26, 2010

Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive!

A federal judge in Connecticut has ruled that cheer leading is NOT a sport.

While most of the nation saw that headline and said, "Well, duh" and then proceeded to move on with their lives, rest assured that this was done for a reason. It's not like this judge was just sitting in court one day and said, "You know what? Today's the day I feel like shitting on some kids and hot chicks."

It's a Title IX type of dealie for the handling and disbursement of funds. That's right, one of those weird times where it's about the money and nothing else really.

Look, saying cheer leading is not a sport is pretty much a no-brainer. I sit in the stands and cheer as loud as I can too but I don't expect someone to hand me a towel and a bucket of Gatorade when I get done. It's not that tough.

But why shouldn't they get money under Title IX?

I went to a university where the athletic program was like watching a dog trying to grab a doggy treat off of his back. He just keeps going around and around in circles and you think about attempting to help him but you're hypnotized.

Saturdays became more about the alcohol than about the football.

Sure enough though, every Saturday, there were the cheer leaders. Dancing around, rhyming, and getting tossed around. There was a quirky sense of honor about them for trying to promote a winning attitude in a bunch of losers.

Cheer leaders are like the band from the Titanic who decided to keep playing violins to calm the crowd instead of clawing their way to a lifeboat like the rest of us would have done.

Dammit, they've got spirit! Can't you hear them, judge?

Cheer leaders are so dedicated to their craft that they couldn't even put the pom-poms down for just a second to rally for their own cause and try and squeeze some of that sweet Title IX juice.

Which, is fantastically ironic.

Give the cheer leaders their well deserved money, judge. Just not the dude ones. They're weird.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Best of What?

The All-Stars of Major League Soccer will take on the storied English Premier League, Manchester United, a week from today in Houston.

The North American tour for the Man U Red Devils will have them visit Philadelphia to take on the expansion Union, then off to Kansas City to take on the Wizards, and finally a stop at Reliant Stadium in Houston for the All-Stars match.

Wait a minute? I thought the world cup was over?

Although it may be surprising for some of you to hear, soccer is played more than just one month every four years.

While this friendly match seems intriguing, here are some key points to keep in mind:

Major League Soccer can be divided into two categories: where great players are kept in purgatory (see: Landon Donovan) and where once great players have gone to die (see: David Beckham and Thierry Henry).

The English Premier League is the top league in English football, and they kinda take it a little seriously over there. So seriously that the worst teams in the EPL every season are booted out and put in the league below them.

Manchester United has won the EPL 11 times. Their closest competitors, Arsenal and Chelsea, have only won three times each.

These are actual All-Stars.

For basketball fans, it's sort of like this. You know how every year during the NBA All-Star break they play the Rookies vs. Sophomores game? And you know how every year you think, 'hey this could be interesting!', yet every year the sophomores crush the rookies.

Yeah, it's like that, only they can't use their hands.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

If You Can't Stand The Heat...

Hah, what a clever title! It's a double entendre in honor of it being the day after Bastille Day but also relevant because of the villainization of a 'King'.

LeBron James recently captivated a nation--dare I say, the world--with his free agency Decision (ESPN's lawyers will crucify me if I don't capitalize that word) to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh with the Miami Heat.

So the jerk proved me wrong but now he's consensually hated by pretty much everybody outside of South Beach so I'm still going to chalk up the victory to me.

Which brings us to why exactly LeBron is hated now. Like Louis XVI, James was given a raw deal from the start.

War-happy Louis XV basically bankrupted France and left the people poor and hungry. Then he tossed the reigns to Louis XVI and said, "Good luck, sucker!" Naturally, the most reasonable course was revolution and Louis XVI soon found himself without a head.

Was that necessarily his fault? Of course not. The people need to find somebody to hate when their lives suck and that person is usually the one who has it so much better than everybody else.

Enter LeBron James. James, the most talented basketball player, maybe ever, was sent to toil away in Cleveland for seven years with the likes of Damon Jones, Eric Snow, and some guy named Sasha Pavlovic. Sasha, for crying out loud!

Then having paid his dues and fulfilling his contract, and also realizing that it's impossible to win a championship by your own damn self when nobody else in the NBA is having to do it by their own damn selves, he's martyred for leaving for a new team.

Words like 'traitor' and 'coward' were thrown out there from people who were singing his praises just the night before the Decision.

Why haven't we heard reports out of Toronto of people burning Chris Bosh jerseys and calling him a coward? Because the people of Toronto know that he made the right decision!

Cleveland, you have been duped yet again. LeBron isn't the villain, it's the complete lack of intelligence on the part of ownership and management to not deliver help for James. The Cavaliers for the last seven years gave Lebron the reigns and said, "Good luck, sucker!"

Louis XVI wasn't the real villain of France, it was Louis XV! Yet, Louis XVI is the one who gets his head lopped off.

Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavs, did a marvelous job of what we call in the 'biz' of creating a smokescreen. He releases a letter (which contains one of the best temper tantrums I have ever seen) blasting James credibility and distracting us all from who is really to blame in this whole mess.

The result? Riots in the streets, the burning of jerseys, and a security threat to LeBron James.

Viva le resistance!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Brongasm

NBA superstar LeBron James will announce tomorrow night where he's going to sign his much anticipated contract decision.

James will announce his decision during a live one-hour television event that's sure to be right up there in people's memories with the JFK assassination and 9/11.

The event will be followed by a live one-hour press conference from the team that signs him to announce that part of the deal was to rename themselves the LeBron Jameses and that everybody in the city has to wear a headband at all times.

Let me shine a little light on you people here. He's staying in Cleveland. He'll get up there and talk about how it's his "hometown" and he could never imagine playing against them and blah, blah, blah.

The fact of the matter is, that he really doesn't have any proven options other than Cleveland. What, he's going to go join Amar'e in New York? Or start over again in New Jersey? Those teams are at least four years away from being viable in playoff talk--let alone win a championship.

So they're out.

Now that Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade are teaming up in Miami, the Chicago Bulls would have to bank on their B-grade guys (Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah) to lure Bron, so they're out.

So that leaves Miami as the only team outside of Ohio with a shot at the self-proclaimed King.

The guy, who feels it necessary to stop the world with a one-hour televised event to announce his decision, is going to leave what is his team to go join Wade's? Never, ever, ever going to happen.

Miami is always going to be Wade's team, with people around him, even if one of them was the stature of LeBron James.

All in all, nothing really happened this summer. The biggest names stayed in their cities and Los Angeles still has the best team.

But, hey, I could be wrong.*

*Necessary disclaimer by author for when proven wrong.

Feel free to comment on where you think Bron is going to go or any thoughts you have on the NBA in general.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Gorge-fest 2010!

Happy Fourth, everyone, and that means that another Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest happened today.

American Joey Chestnut choked down 54 dogs in the ten minutes allotted to take home the championship and a coveted four-peat.

And what would be a hot dog eating contest without the drama? Takeru Kobayashi, the man who dominated the event for six years prior to Chestnut's run did not compete today.

Why? He hasn't signed a contract with Major League Eating and was not eligible to compete.

This prompted Chestnut, in a post-eat interview, to revoke Kobayashi's man-card and say, "If he was a real man, he would have been up here."

Ouch. Somebody get some Pepto for that buuuuuurn.

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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Fantasy Football Name Game

Ok, kiddies, let's get this blog off the ground with some distasteful comedy.

Everyone knows that a huge part of Fantasy Football season is outwitting your friends with a clever name. If you're the type of guy who normally goes the route of "Steve's Team" or "The Best Team Ever", then you desperately need my help.

Behold, ten team names that should be good to get a rise (or maybe a groan) out of your competition:

1. McNair's Shotgun Offense
2. The Chris Henry Pickups
3. Flacco Seagulls
4. Steeler's Colon Tear
5. Big Ben Strikes Again
6. Pacman Jones and the Temple of Multiple Felonies
7. The Romosexuals
8. Mark's Dirty Sanchez
9. Mangini in a Bottle
10. Vick's Hush Puppies

Those should tide you over as we approach the start of the season, but if you have any comments or team names of your own, please feel free to comment.

In The Beginning...

...a man created a sports blog because he had a lot of important and brilliant things to say.

Also, the chicks really dig him.

Welcome to the Studly Pastures where there is always a plethora of discussions going on about all things sports.

It's such a broad topic that I'm pretty sure I'll never run out of things to talk about.

Uh, that's it.