Next month, well, exactly one month from today I will be turning 28.
That sucks.
But it sucks for weird reasons. I don't lose sleep over turning 28, I really don't. I might bitch and moan and complain that I'm getting old. And if it were medieval times, I'd be in trouble. But in modern times, and in the grand scheme of things, I still have seven years before I can run for President of the United States. So I got that going for me.
I guess what really concerns me, when we boil it down, is that I used to sleep soundly knowing that Dad had it. Strange noise at night? No worries, Dad will take care of it. I have trouble sleeping? Dad stays up later than me. I watched a scary movie? Dad will take advantage and exploit my fear. And he'd get his laugh in and then point out that it was only him and how gullible I was. And I hated that! I knew how ridiculous it was but yet he still got me...and I hated him for that!
My father did his own way, as I hope most fathers do, and there was no manual needed. And here I stand. I like to joke that my sarcasm and one-up-manship comes from my father and my need to help and hope the good guy wins comes from my mother and then it all comes together and forms my vary basic essence. And we all come from our own backgrounds. And my journalism background tells me to never start a sentence with and, yet I do it constantly, because I use a lot of commas too, and you shouldn't do that as well.
I guess becoming old just means that you miss all the shit you could pass off on your father. Now when there is a strange noise in my house, it either falls on my girlfriend, or our two under-ten pound dogs, or me. As much as I would love to throw the dogs out there and investigate, it falls to me. And it sounds weird but I sleep better knowing that I have my family's safety. I won't let any harm come to them and that makes me step up as a man.
But like I said, my parents came together in triumphant fashion to make me: a smart-talking, world-weary, freedom-fighting, good-natured, and just all around sad sonuvabitch, to sit here and talk to you guys. And I ask you guys tonight to not take advantage of anything your family gives you. Don't ever for a second think anything is eternal. Never sit there and assume you'll see them next year.
Take advantage of time. Relish all those times your father embarrassed you. Remember all those times your mother had your back when she really shouldn't have because you were a little shit. And never forget where you came from because that should be all you really care about.
No sports today, kiddos, just hold whatever family you have close.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
N Is For Nutrition
You know who has a really cushy job? Sandra Lee.
Never heard of her? That's because you probably don't watch the Food Network as religiously as I do. Or you might be one of those normal people that requires them to work on a Thursday afternoon. Either way, I'll explain why she's got it made:
She hosts a show (obviously on the Food Network) called Semi-Homemade Cooking where she cooks in front of a camera a bunch of pre-packaged crap that the rest of us buy every night for dinner only she's getting paid to teach our stupid degenerate asses how to work a blender. As if it wasn't bad enough she ends every show by making a cocktail that she then proceeds to chug down and laugh her drunken self all the way to the bank. I'm pretty sure the show is meant to be catered to housewives but it ends up just being an open mockery of American life and I find it to be pretty hilarious, so I tune in every Thursday.
Needless to say, it's questionable at best, like a lot of what the Food Network has been doing lately. Paula Deen for years has been advocating eating full sticks of butter in a nation with a youth obesity problem but we let that slide. But an older southern woman admits to using the N-word in her past and we yank her off the air and shun her like she's picking up where Hitler left off? I don't get it, James Woods.
Why the big crack down all of a sudden? Why all of a sudden is the Food Network pretending to care about social issues like racism? I can picture the big Food Network executives sitting in some high-rise office building with big ol' smug grins on their faces just saying, "You're welcome, black people!"
Look, I'm not defending Paula Deen, in fact I'm kinda glad she's off the air because like I said, she was trying to kill our children. I'm just a little suspicious about what's really going on around here. I understand the history behind words, trust me, I do. But are we really living in a world where we care what Paula Deen subscribes to? Are we really going to Paula Deen for more information than how to deep fry bacon in fat back? As far as ambassadors for goodwill go, Paula Deen isn't and has never been on my list, why is she on yours? I don't get it, James Woods!
Enough about that crap though. Let's talk about some other crap. How about some baseball crap?
ESPN brought to my attention last night something that at first hand seemed like a record but upon closer inspection is really no big freakin' deal at all. Apparently David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox has now achieved the most career hits by a designated hitter.
Well, wa-freakin'-hoo for you, Ortiz! You've done exactly what we've DESIGNATED you to do and that's hit the damn ball. First of all, he plays a position that the American League just went and made up in the '70s because, well, probably just to see if they could! Second of all, all he does is bat! Do you know how many DH's have been league MVPs or Hall of Famers? I'll give you a hint...zero! Nobody likes a guy who plays half of the game. Get yourself a glove and get your ass out there!
What's the deal? Are you too out of shape to go shank ground balls? Bullshit, Prince Fielder drags his rotund ass out to first base for every Tiger's game because his momma raised him on the Paula Deen diet and now he's a superstar so don't tell me you can't do it!
If a person is given one specific task for the entirety of their job description and they can't do it then they are a FAILURE. But when they do achieve that one specific task there is no cause for celebration because all they have done is their job, which is something millions of Americans do every day! David Ortiz might be a feared hitter but he won't buck the trend of DH's not making the Hall of Fame.
There's just something about him that's so...shifty. He sucked for Minnesota, went to Boston in a bargain deal, and then all of a sudden became lights out. Then people started dropping like flies in the steroids scandal and he sucked again. And now a resurgence? I just don't get it, James Woods.
Well, kids, I've referenced Paula Deen, David Ortiz, and somehow James Woods. I need to go lie down.
Never heard of her? That's because you probably don't watch the Food Network as religiously as I do. Or you might be one of those normal people that requires them to work on a Thursday afternoon. Either way, I'll explain why she's got it made:
She hosts a show (obviously on the Food Network) called Semi-Homemade Cooking where she cooks in front of a camera a bunch of pre-packaged crap that the rest of us buy every night for dinner only she's getting paid to teach our stupid degenerate asses how to work a blender. As if it wasn't bad enough she ends every show by making a cocktail that she then proceeds to chug down and laugh her drunken self all the way to the bank. I'm pretty sure the show is meant to be catered to housewives but it ends up just being an open mockery of American life and I find it to be pretty hilarious, so I tune in every Thursday.
Needless to say, it's questionable at best, like a lot of what the Food Network has been doing lately. Paula Deen for years has been advocating eating full sticks of butter in a nation with a youth obesity problem but we let that slide. But an older southern woman admits to using the N-word in her past and we yank her off the air and shun her like she's picking up where Hitler left off? I don't get it, James Woods.
Why the big crack down all of a sudden? Why all of a sudden is the Food Network pretending to care about social issues like racism? I can picture the big Food Network executives sitting in some high-rise office building with big ol' smug grins on their faces just saying, "You're welcome, black people!"
Look, I'm not defending Paula Deen, in fact I'm kinda glad she's off the air because like I said, she was trying to kill our children. I'm just a little suspicious about what's really going on around here. I understand the history behind words, trust me, I do. But are we really living in a world where we care what Paula Deen subscribes to? Are we really going to Paula Deen for more information than how to deep fry bacon in fat back? As far as ambassadors for goodwill go, Paula Deen isn't and has never been on my list, why is she on yours? I don't get it, James Woods!
Enough about that crap though. Let's talk about some other crap. How about some baseball crap?
ESPN brought to my attention last night something that at first hand seemed like a record but upon closer inspection is really no big freakin' deal at all. Apparently David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox has now achieved the most career hits by a designated hitter.
Well, wa-freakin'-hoo for you, Ortiz! You've done exactly what we've DESIGNATED you to do and that's hit the damn ball. First of all, he plays a position that the American League just went and made up in the '70s because, well, probably just to see if they could! Second of all, all he does is bat! Do you know how many DH's have been league MVPs or Hall of Famers? I'll give you a hint...zero! Nobody likes a guy who plays half of the game. Get yourself a glove and get your ass out there!
What's the deal? Are you too out of shape to go shank ground balls? Bullshit, Prince Fielder drags his rotund ass out to first base for every Tiger's game because his momma raised him on the Paula Deen diet and now he's a superstar so don't tell me you can't do it!
If a person is given one specific task for the entirety of their job description and they can't do it then they are a FAILURE. But when they do achieve that one specific task there is no cause for celebration because all they have done is their job, which is something millions of Americans do every day! David Ortiz might be a feared hitter but he won't buck the trend of DH's not making the Hall of Fame.
There's just something about him that's so...shifty. He sucked for Minnesota, went to Boston in a bargain deal, and then all of a sudden became lights out. Then people started dropping like flies in the steroids scandal and he sucked again. And now a resurgence? I just don't get it, James Woods.
Well, kids, I've referenced Paula Deen, David Ortiz, and somehow James Woods. I need to go lie down.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Now We Are Four
Kids, this month marks the four year anniversary of the Studly Pastures.
That's a long time to be breeding unicorns and making water cooler comments about life and if you've been reading, clearly my sanity has been affected. Sacrifices have been made and feelings have been hurt over the years but, hey, anything for you, my loyal, faceless entities. I'm definitely not the type to benefit from hearing himself talk. I get absolutely nothing from this and it's most definitely NOT a log of my own hubris.
You know that song, "You're So Vain"? Carly Simon wrote that about me. I'm sure of it.
But hey, I'm no dummy. I know I'm not perfect! I still breathe oxygen like the rest of you (except for the fish people). I've gotten rid of the need for consuming food and excreting waste but the oxygen thing still eludes me. It might take me another four years but eventually I'll get that oxygen thing figured out too! (then I'll finally be just like you high and mighty fish people).
Anyways, enough about me, let's get to what's made me so famous over the last four years: judging people solely based off of my own crazy perception of reality!
Dwight Howard has decided he wants to go and play for the Houston Rockets and we can all finally remove the tape from our eyelids and blink again. Why the Houston Rockets? He thinks that they can be contenders with him on the team. While everybody outside of Houston has just shit their pants from laughing too hard (I've seen it happen) let's try and look at this a little seriously--but there's a small problem. Dwight Howard doesn't take anything seriously. Remember when he first started playing for Orlando and he kept smiling all the time and everybody thought, "Hey, here's a nice guy who truly enjoys playing the game!" Well, you are all idiots. Dwight Howard was smiling because somebody made a fart joke or said the word 'titty' or something. Dwight Howard is a child. He doesn't care about trophies or legacy or anything remotely important in the game of basketball. He cares about everybody talking about Dwight Howard and he's getting it! Every single day! Even from me! ARGHHHHHHH!
I'm not going to make some lame 'Houston, we have a problem' joke because I kinda just did anyways but it's not going to work out! In today's NBA you need at least a third player, maybe even a decent fourth, and Houston doesn't have it. It was thrown around that maybe they would try and get Josh Smith but he just signed with the Detroit Pistons. Uh oh.
Which, by the way, I would love to have seen THAT business deal. "Hey Josh, ummm, we don't have anything." Whoever negotiated this deal needs to come and be my lawyer because he's probably the Hypno-toad from Futurama.
Oh but hey everything is shifting into place for 2014 when all the big names will be free agents again and all these teams will have cap space and...and...OH MY GOD MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! I absolutely hate that mentality. I hate to get all kindergarten on you but be the best you can be...today!
Enough basketball, it's July for crying out loud. Let's give the people what they want on this joyous of occasions and talk tennis.
Andy Murray has won Wimbledon this year to be the first Brit to hoist the trophy since 1936. I'm amazed. Not that he won but that it has taken over 70 years for Great Britain to win their own freakin' tournament. Relax, kids, I'm not ignorant, I know that tennis was invented by the French and not the British (you're welcome) but Wimbledon has been a British institution since 1877 and is the OLDEST tennis tournament in the world.
70 years? 70 years?! Could you imagine an American not winning the Daytona 500 for 70 years? The repercussions from something like that would be catastrophic. There's one thing you don't do and that's piss off rednecks. If they decided to revolt I'd be screwed. Not because I'd look terrible in a mullet but that Bud heavy tastes like copper wiring that's been soaked in moose piss. But if it's the only beer left in the fridge...
70 years. I hope this isn't a 'Portrait of Dorian Gray' type of thing where now that the curse is broken the Queen will lose her immortality. (Relax, I don't have that many British readers)
Well, here we are, kids. Four years later. In all seriousness, as much as I love hearing my own voice through my writing...if you've read a single line, or even a whole post, if you've giggled, chuckled or just slightly smirked just once...then it's been worth it. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not talking to the wall, my dear faceless entities.
That's a long time to be breeding unicorns and making water cooler comments about life and if you've been reading, clearly my sanity has been affected. Sacrifices have been made and feelings have been hurt over the years but, hey, anything for you, my loyal, faceless entities. I'm definitely not the type to benefit from hearing himself talk. I get absolutely nothing from this and it's most definitely NOT a log of my own hubris.
You know that song, "You're So Vain"? Carly Simon wrote that about me. I'm sure of it.
But hey, I'm no dummy. I know I'm not perfect! I still breathe oxygen like the rest of you (except for the fish people). I've gotten rid of the need for consuming food and excreting waste but the oxygen thing still eludes me. It might take me another four years but eventually I'll get that oxygen thing figured out too! (then I'll finally be just like you high and mighty fish people).
Anyways, enough about me, let's get to what's made me so famous over the last four years: judging people solely based off of my own crazy perception of reality!
Dwight Howard has decided he wants to go and play for the Houston Rockets and we can all finally remove the tape from our eyelids and blink again. Why the Houston Rockets? He thinks that they can be contenders with him on the team. While everybody outside of Houston has just shit their pants from laughing too hard (I've seen it happen) let's try and look at this a little seriously--but there's a small problem. Dwight Howard doesn't take anything seriously. Remember when he first started playing for Orlando and he kept smiling all the time and everybody thought, "Hey, here's a nice guy who truly enjoys playing the game!" Well, you are all idiots. Dwight Howard was smiling because somebody made a fart joke or said the word 'titty' or something. Dwight Howard is a child. He doesn't care about trophies or legacy or anything remotely important in the game of basketball. He cares about everybody talking about Dwight Howard and he's getting it! Every single day! Even from me! ARGHHHHHHH!
I'm not going to make some lame 'Houston, we have a problem' joke because I kinda just did anyways but it's not going to work out! In today's NBA you need at least a third player, maybe even a decent fourth, and Houston doesn't have it. It was thrown around that maybe they would try and get Josh Smith but he just signed with the Detroit Pistons. Uh oh.
Which, by the way, I would love to have seen THAT business deal. "Hey Josh, ummm, we don't have anything." Whoever negotiated this deal needs to come and be my lawyer because he's probably the Hypno-toad from Futurama.
Oh but hey everything is shifting into place for 2014 when all the big names will be free agents again and all these teams will have cap space and...and...OH MY GOD MY EYES ARE BLEEDING! I absolutely hate that mentality. I hate to get all kindergarten on you but be the best you can be...today!
Enough basketball, it's July for crying out loud. Let's give the people what they want on this joyous of occasions and talk tennis.
Andy Murray has won Wimbledon this year to be the first Brit to hoist the trophy since 1936. I'm amazed. Not that he won but that it has taken over 70 years for Great Britain to win their own freakin' tournament. Relax, kids, I'm not ignorant, I know that tennis was invented by the French and not the British (you're welcome) but Wimbledon has been a British institution since 1877 and is the OLDEST tennis tournament in the world.
70 years? 70 years?! Could you imagine an American not winning the Daytona 500 for 70 years? The repercussions from something like that would be catastrophic. There's one thing you don't do and that's piss off rednecks. If they decided to revolt I'd be screwed. Not because I'd look terrible in a mullet but that Bud heavy tastes like copper wiring that's been soaked in moose piss. But if it's the only beer left in the fridge...
70 years. I hope this isn't a 'Portrait of Dorian Gray' type of thing where now that the curse is broken the Queen will lose her immortality. (Relax, I don't have that many British readers)
Well, here we are, kids. Four years later. In all seriousness, as much as I love hearing my own voice through my writing...if you've read a single line, or even a whole post, if you've giggled, chuckled or just slightly smirked just once...then it's been worth it. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not talking to the wall, my dear faceless entities.
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