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Monday, October 24, 2011

Said The Dolphin To The Horse

I have sympathy for you, Indianapolis Colts, fresh off your shellacking from the New Orleans' Saints.

Losing sucks, and losing in the most embarrassing way is even worse.

Trust me, I know.

As I watched the Saints pile on the points, I turned to a co-worker and asked, "Why are they beating their asses so badly, do they owe them money?"

It looked like a cliche, cheesy mafia movie. "We're gonna kill you, your family, your mailman, your dog-sitter, and your AA sponsor...they're all dead!" It wasn't a football game, it was a massacre.

It was the kind of beat-down that worried me. It looked as if you have given up hope.

Please, please, please do not do this, Indianapolis. You must not give up, you must not give in, and for God sakes, you must fight! Fight to the brink of doom!

I admit Indianapolis, that my investment is not in your well-being, but rather in the hopeful adoration that the Miami Dolphins be the worst team in the National Football League. I want Andrew Luck--no--I NEED Andrew Luck for the Dolphins. It's the only thing keeping me from choking on a cyanide pill.

Don't be greedy, you have had Peyton Manning, the greatest quarterback ever. You always make the playoffs. You ruled the last decade. You've won a Super Bowl in the time that I've been alive. It just would not be fair if you got Andrew Luck after only six months of misery. I've been miserable my whole life!

The Dolphins last made the Super Bowl the year before I was born and got worked over in it anyways. We've made the playoffs but I like to call those "wife-beating" days. I'm just kidding, I'm not married. Next week our quarterback is probably going to be, "Hey you, you want to come down from those stands and play quarterback for the Miami Dolphins?"

Don't do this to me. I try to be a good guy. I'm aware of breast cancer!

You must summon inner power and rise up to greet this challenge. Use this latest ass-kicking as a jump-off point. So the Saints can just treat you like that and get away with it? I don't think so! Go out there and take it out on your next opponent, the Tennessee Titans. You hate those guys! It's a division opponent, they're aren't that great either, and you have animosity built up! Unleash it!

It's like this, Colts, I have been dragged through shit and fire being a Dolphins fan and the only glimmer of a vanilla-scented aloe wipe that I've seen in a long time is Andrew Luck. Do the right thing and bow out. Start winning or I'm going to start doing methamphetamines.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

R.I.P. N.B.A.

I told you I was going to write more often...

I didn't write a single post about the NFL lockout and it was because I never truly believed it. The NFL lockout was like that couple we know that is always fighting and determined to break up but as soon as we turn around, they are making out. They never really meant it--they just wanted to reaffirm one's love for the other.

Today, the NFL is back in full-force and we forget that Mom and Dad even fought to begin with. We have successfully been bribed with candy, my friends.

The NBA lockout is a completely different story. To keep with my string of similes, the NBA lockout is like Mom coming home and finding Dad in bed with a gopher. It's confusing and ultimately maddening.

The NBA lockout is for keeps and promises and whatever else childhood saying you used to use. Billy Hunter, the player's rep, and David Stern, the Emperor and secret leader of the Sith, are both MORONS. Stern will stand up there and dreadfully declare that games are being canceled left and right, until all we are left with is one week of the season. Hunter will stand up there with his thumb up his ass--because he doesn't know where else to put it.

See, the NFL lockout got resolved because the player's rep, DeMaurice Smith was conventional heroic-stupid. He resolved to resolve the resolution and do it with pride, damn it! His adversary, Roger Goodell, was completely and irrationally evil. He hated things like it was his life-blood. However, the wacky combination worked: lovable idiot + complete embodiment of evil = I'm kicking ass at fantasy football!

The NBA is NOT shaping up this way. Stern and Hunter are proving to be really difficult to deal with each other, and not in a marketable Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau kind of way.

I get the feeling that neither one of them would care if the NBA played this season and that's incredibly damning to the cause of oh, let's say, PLAYING THIS SEASON.

Stern's strong-armed approach of canceling the first two weeks of the season and declaring the Christmas games' in jeopardy is helpful to the cause like putting a Band-Aid on a compound fracture.

As if His Evilness wasn't enough, players have jumped from the NBA ship like it was the Titanic. I can't take a piss without hitting a story about another NBA superstar reportedly going to play basketball overseas. The day Kobe Bryant dribbles a ball in Italy is officially the day that the NBA dies.

Let me say this, for all the players going overseas to play ball, or the ones that are less-selfishly organizing charity games in the States, I think you are doing the completely right thing.

You are pressurizing Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum into making a decision, while still honing your skills, and while still making money for the less fortunate.

You saw this in the NFL too, and years ago in the NHL, with the players just simply wanting to get back out there and do what they do best.

Too bad for their sakes, and ours, that the ones with the keys are completely greedy and stupid.

Hope you guys like college basketball, because that's all I will be talking about this year.

Through My Judging Eyes

First off, I am going to try and make it a point to write the good ol' SP more often. If I don't do it, who will? Plus, let's face it, you miss hearing my voice in your heads as you imagine me reading my own words. It's cute and I'll indulge you.

Second off, this is going to be a second straight post about the Miami Dolphins. I know I said I hate talking about my personal favorite teams, but damn it if they don't keep popping up in the news! So, as the renowned professional journalist I am, I am left with no choice but to keep on writing about them.

Third off, this post is also about Tim Tebow. I felt the need to warn some of you about that because this has proven to be a sensitive subject. People will step aside as I blaspheme and curse my goddamn ass off, but shame on me for talking ill of the Tebow! I understand that throwing mud in the face of God's Chosen One will more than likely be the downfall of the SP, but like I said, renowned journalist...I have to write about it.

I first wrote about Tim Tebow a while back when he was writing his memoirs. I won't take the trouble to link it because you should already have it bookmarked. To spare you the indignity, it was essentially about how ludicrous it was that such a young man, who in the grand scheme of things, had accomplished so little and was yet writing the tale of his life. A man, who devoted his life to God, had by all accounts started worshiping another idol--himself! Trust me, he'll be the first one to tell you that the book is a source of inspiration and a thought-provoking journey. I know of another Book that does the same thing...

Like I predicted, you all are idiots, and the book made the best-seller list.

However, I digress, as much of a hypocrite and shadow personality that I find in Tim Tebow, my head is shaking at the Miami Dolphins even harder...once again.

This Monday, the Dolphins play my arch-rival New York Jets, then they play the Denver Broncos the following Sunday. The newly Tim Tebow-led Denver Broncos will come to Miami and bare witness to a Dolphin-hosted ceremony honoring the 2008 NCAA football champion Florida Gators.

In what would seem like a nice gesture honoring our state's champions, one can't help but notice one slight transgression.

By 'one', I mean me, and by 'slight transgression', I mean huge bed-shitting. This is the same Florida Gator team that was led by none other than...Tim Tebow.

Are you kidding me, Miami? It's not enough that I have to sit here and PRAY that you lose every game to secure your future but now I have to sit here and watch you honor the opposing quarterback?

What is this, some sort of sick joke?

I know and understand the old adage, "If you can't beat them, join them." Hell, we can't beat you...but we'll throw you a parade!

Now, to Miami's credit (and this is a small, small credit), they planned this way in advance and had no idea that Tebow would be the starter at this point over incumbent, Kyle Orton. The same Kyle Orton that Miami tried to trade for at the beginning of the year, who is now benched on a equally shitty team, in favor for the half-time honoree.

I know that some of you don't know sports and probably think I am making all of this up, and I wish it were true.

Hey, I understand the audacity in praising the opposing team in your own stadium, I really do. However, if it takes God's Child to push us one step closer to Andrew Luck, I'll get up and cheer for him myself.

Look, I think Tebow is better suited on a street corner, unshaven, holding a sign that reads, "John 3:16", than he is holding a football on a National Football League field. The fact that he'll be wearing a Denver Bronco's jersey and standing on Dolphin turf while the Dolphins' honor him?

Well, that just sickens me.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Dive, Dolphins, Dive!

I have always been a big proponent for sportsmanship.

It's important for those participating in sports to embrace an idea where all participants are respectful, not just for each other, but for the history of the game.

Remember where you came from and forge ahead with those same principles.

With that said, I think the Miami Dolphins should take a dive for the rest of the season.

Lay it down, completely. Let the other team get ahead and run the ball the rest of the game. Throw errant passes at your receiver's feet. For God sakes, turn the ball over!

None of this will be too hard for them to do because these are all things they've been doing while they have supposedly been trying to win games. Well, stop trying and just keep the goose egg in the win column until the draft in April when an opportunity to finally turn this franchise around will present itself to the glorified losers.

Andrew Luck has been the can't miss prospect, future franchise quarterback, for the last TWO years. That's never happened before. He's the future face of the team that drafts him for, at least, the next decade.

Who's been the face of the Dolphins since Dan Marino? Jason Taylor? Ricky Williams? Hell, Jay Fiedler? I'm a Dolphins fan and not even I can tell you who the face of the franchise has been since Marino.

Luck is smart, he's a Stanford product, and he's got a freakish arm strength/accuracy combination that makes pro-bowlers out of people like Davone Bess and Brian Hartline, two of Miami's slot receivers.

I fully embrace the "Suck for Luck" campaign.

You wouldn't trade one year of animosity for a decade of contending for titles? I'd do it in a heart-beat.

Think about it: If the Dolphins win out, that puts them at 10-4. First, winning out isn't improbable, it's quasi-impossible for this team. Second, even at ten wins, a play-off spot is far from guaranteed. They won ten games before and missed the play-offs. A ten win season could potentially keep Miami out of the play-offs and still stick them with a late first-round pick.

Then where are they? Another lost season with-out so much as a glimmer for future success.

However, if they just hold back a tad bit more than they are right now, they can go win-less and lock down Luck and automatically give the team tremendous upswing. Then it's just a matter of ditching Tony Sparano, which should happen NOW, and bring in a proven winner for a head coach. Cough, cough, Bill Cowher.

You think Cowher will turn down a chance to live in South Florida coaching a team with the best college prospect in, probably, forever? Not a chance.

The Henne-Sparano experiment was a huge failure on the field, that much is clear now. But the Henne-Sparano experiment will be a gigantic success if it directly leads to Luck-Cowher.

I understand that in proposing to go win-less, you are asking 52 men to surrender their pride and swallow their dignity. But this is the same team that's lost seven straight games dating back to last year. Their only creativity is in the ways that they come up with to lose each week. How can they have any pride left anyways? Wouldn't they be proud standing on the podium in a couple of years, holding the Lombardi trophy?

NFL teams have a very short memory. Years from now, when Luck is racking up MVP awards and passing titles, who is going to remember the team in 2011 that couldn't win a game?

Winning really does cure all ills and I'll certainly look back at this season and laugh as the Dolphins are three-peating championships.

I'm sick and tired of the failed decisions of the Miami Dolphins over the past decade. The mistakes piled up like we had a "Bad Decision" making machine that just spewed out head-slaps all day. The drafting of Ted Ginn, the decision to pass on Matt Ryan, choosing Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees, trading Wes Welker, and on, and on, and on.

The irony of it all is that this time around, the key to winning it all--is to fail. Fail hard and fail often.

Do it gracefully and with honor. Hell, you can even make them close games. Just don't win.

"Suck today, Luck tomorrow!" - The Official Campaign of the 2011 Miami Dolphins

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