I woke up this morning to the terrible news that I am no longer a baseball fan.
In a move that revered scientists couldn't even explain to me, the Tampa Bay Rays have traded Evan Longoria to the San Francisco Giants, effectively rendering anything they ever do again be pointless and terrible. This is by far the stupidest move the Rays have ever done.
As a small market team, the biggest problem is trying to keep home grown talent and trying to not be a minor league team for a big market team. Just ask the Miami Marlins how they feel about the New York Yankees right about now. They just "traded" away their franchise player in Giancarlo Stanton to the Bronx for the equivalent of a ham sandwich, with now I whom sympathize with. (Marlins' fans, not the ham sandwich)
Does it really matter who you get in the trade? The Marlins traded away their Barry Bonds. The Rays traded away their Derek Jeter. Could you imagine the New York Yankees trading away Derek Jeter? No, you couldn't because you know it would never fucking happen! Just as you knew that Jeter was the heart and soul of the Yankees, Longoria was the heart and soul of the Rays. We just traded away the first thing that ever gave us any hope, that ever gave us any success, and that ever acted like the Rays could compete with the rest of the assholes. Price was the shot to the gut, Maddon was the death sentence, and Longoria is the dirt on the casket. It's over kids, we just traded our own son to somebody else.
You don't trade Longoria. I can't believe that should have been a sign we had made up and put in the GM's office. How do you not know that? Why is there not somebody's job that all they do is stand around and as soon as someone says, "Well, why don't we trade Longoria?" and they quickly run over to that person and slap them as hard as they can directly in the face. I would have paid that salary myself if I knew this day was coming.
I have no intentions of listening to any press conferences or statements from the team because it's all bullshit anyways. You can not tell me that you were actively trying to make the team better by removing it's foundation. You're trying to sell me a car without wheels and expecting me to jump in and take off. It's not gonna work. What the Hell is the point anymore? If this wasn't the official stamp on the "We're Just A Breeding Ground For Four Other Cities" then I don't know what else to call it. Hey kids, come play for the Rays and just maybe someday you'll actually be taken seriously and traded to San Fran, Boston, LA, or hell, maybe even New York! I feel like I could angry vomit right now.
I just know that some San Franciscan is turning on ESPN right now and saying "Cool, that guy's a good pickup" and I'm over here updating my will but it's entirely accurate. There's no angle to look at this and say it isn't devastating. The people behind this deal are probably related to the architects of the Titanic and the Hindenburg. I want to be able to say "Well, fuck you San Francisco" but it all reality it needs to be "Well, fuck you Tampa Bay!" How could you not know? How could you not know to not trade Longoria?
Oh dear God...they did know. That means that they simply just didn't care. They don't care what this means to me, and you, and everybody else like us. Some men just like to watch the world burn.
Goodbye, Longo. Goodbye, underdog. Goodbye, baseball.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Saturday, August 19, 2017
The Cutler Did It
I'm not friends with the entire city of Chicago or Fox Sports anymore...it's official.
You see, living in the Twilight Zone is weird. On the one hand you keep getting completely random and unforeseen ridiculous crap thrown at you and on the other your morbid curiosity catches you and you wonder what's next.
What's next? Jay Whatever-the-Hell-his-middle-name-is Cutler. That's what's next for me. I have Jay Cutler. There's going to be Miami Dolphins jerseys made that have the name Cutler on the back and they won't be custom jerseys that Dave Cutler had to have made because he can't decide who his favorite Dolphin player is and if he's paying sixty bucks for it, then fuck it, what's twenty bucks more for the customized version?!
Kids, quick recap, last season the Miami Dolphins did just enough to beat shitty teams and had crawled out from that spot that's constantly kept in the dark on purpose to make that playoff game...that they quickly bowed out from. I mean, Pittsburgh? Can I fan-boy crush on them harder?! We should have won that game. We SHOULD have won that game. But it's PITTSBURGH...and miami. Whatever. I'm not bitter.
The important part about our little trip down memory lane is that my favorite little fuzzby in the whole game, Ryan Tannehill, hurt his knee juuuuust enough to not need surgery but to make sure he had no part in that Steelers game. Anyways, he doesn't get surgery, he drinks some tea, reads some tarot cards, and eats fish oil pills to heal his partially torn knee ligament. Obviously I'm exaggerating because who the Hell doesn't get surgery in the NFL?! They have access to the best health care system in the nation. They go to the top surgeons in the United States for torn ligaments. Notice how I didn't say 'heart transplants' or 'brain surgery' there. They're pretty much the biggest players in the surgery game (cause I'm sure that exists) and yet...YET...Tannehill said, "Eh, I'll throw a few ice packs on it for the next five months and we'll see how I feel."
In the entire history of things being partially torn have you ever, ever, heard of one time...just ONE time that it reconnected itself together, you know, just cause? That's a rhetorical question and in case you don't know what that means it means that I'm not waiting for your answer because it's irrelevant to me because I already know the answer. It's no. The answer is no.
So we go all through the summer and get to about the week before the preseason starts and guess what happens? Tannehill crumples to the ground on a non-contact play in practice. Wow. Shocking! I would have thought his knee would have regenerated new ligaments by now, I mean, he waited long enough, right?
Whichever doctor it inevitably came down to that said surgery was unnecessary was clearly drunk. Was he unsure of what quarterbacks are expected to do? They should, at the very least, be able to run. There's not many paraplegic's out there huckin' the pigskin. God forbid what would have happened to him had it been a tackle. He might be picking out which prosthetic he thinks still makes him look the most human.
That's a bit dark, I apologize to all the stumps out there.
I'm rambling. Anyways, I lose my fuzzby for the season and it finally dawns on the rest of the team that, 'Shit, we should probably find someone else to throw the ball, right?' And I can imagine them saying this within earshot of Matt Moore who's been our backup quarterback for...ever...and all we seem to do is shit on the guy.
Tannehill's down?! Whatever will we do? Who do we get to play quarterback for us? We better look at broadcasters!" (Meanwhile, Matt Moore sits in the corner of a locker room crying ever so silently)
Enter the Cutler. Which sounds like a parody of a classic Bruce Lee film but it's really the harbinger of doom of 2017 for the Miami Dolphins. Before I tear it all to shreds, the reasoning for all of this is because Cutler's best year was with Adam Gase in Chicago. Gase is now Miami's head coach and apparently he's the only one that knows Cutler. He really knows him, you know? You may think you know how to utilize Jay Cutler but you'll never know how to utilize him like Adam Gase!
Me? Eh, I'm one of those weirdos that likes a little more of a time frame of statistics than one year. Especially when you compare it to his entire body of work. I mean, the guy is bound to have one best year, right? What are the odds that it's because it was this other guy that really motivated him or taught him better than anybody else that ever did it before in the twenty something years before that he's been playing football?
Because, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but the guy has spent his entire life looking like he would rather be somewhere else. A guy notorious for sitting out of key situations and never really giving a damn is worth chasing because once, a couple years ago, two guys captured lightning in a bottle?
I DON'T GET IT LIEUTENANT DAN!
Meanwhile, the guy who should get the job is already on the team and doesn't have to be lured away from his broadcasting job from Fox Sports for $10 million! If you told me I could get Dan Marino, at his peak, for one year at $10 million I wouldn't blink an eye. If you told me I had my choice between Jay Cutler or Matt Moore, just how they are right now, for $10 million my last word would be Moore as I blew my brains out. Ten million dollars for what? Ten million dollars for pissing on our loyal and most likely source of success and retaining the rights to the guy that was about to be Fox Sports color commentator. Cool. I'm onboard. Let's have a great season, fellas!
Jay Cutler has a body language that wonders why the martini selection wasn't as good as it was at that last art show.
Jay Cutler cares as much about the Miami Dolphins as he does about famine in Africa.
Jay Cutler is probably only in South Florida so he can finally find that rug that matches the curtains in his guest bedroom.
Jay Cutler is...the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins.
I just vomited all over the place. I need help.
You see, living in the Twilight Zone is weird. On the one hand you keep getting completely random and unforeseen ridiculous crap thrown at you and on the other your morbid curiosity catches you and you wonder what's next.
What's next? Jay Whatever-the-Hell-his-middle-name-is Cutler. That's what's next for me. I have Jay Cutler. There's going to be Miami Dolphins jerseys made that have the name Cutler on the back and they won't be custom jerseys that Dave Cutler had to have made because he can't decide who his favorite Dolphin player is and if he's paying sixty bucks for it, then fuck it, what's twenty bucks more for the customized version?!
Kids, quick recap, last season the Miami Dolphins did just enough to beat shitty teams and had crawled out from that spot that's constantly kept in the dark on purpose to make that playoff game...that they quickly bowed out from. I mean, Pittsburgh? Can I fan-boy crush on them harder?! We should have won that game. We SHOULD have won that game. But it's PITTSBURGH...and miami. Whatever. I'm not bitter.
The important part about our little trip down memory lane is that my favorite little fuzzby in the whole game, Ryan Tannehill, hurt his knee juuuuust enough to not need surgery but to make sure he had no part in that Steelers game. Anyways, he doesn't get surgery, he drinks some tea, reads some tarot cards, and eats fish oil pills to heal his partially torn knee ligament. Obviously I'm exaggerating because who the Hell doesn't get surgery in the NFL?! They have access to the best health care system in the nation. They go to the top surgeons in the United States for torn ligaments. Notice how I didn't say 'heart transplants' or 'brain surgery' there. They're pretty much the biggest players in the surgery game (cause I'm sure that exists) and yet...YET...Tannehill said, "Eh, I'll throw a few ice packs on it for the next five months and we'll see how I feel."
In the entire history of things being partially torn have you ever, ever, heard of one time...just ONE time that it reconnected itself together, you know, just cause? That's a rhetorical question and in case you don't know what that means it means that I'm not waiting for your answer because it's irrelevant to me because I already know the answer. It's no. The answer is no.
So we go all through the summer and get to about the week before the preseason starts and guess what happens? Tannehill crumples to the ground on a non-contact play in practice. Wow. Shocking! I would have thought his knee would have regenerated new ligaments by now, I mean, he waited long enough, right?
Whichever doctor it inevitably came down to that said surgery was unnecessary was clearly drunk. Was he unsure of what quarterbacks are expected to do? They should, at the very least, be able to run. There's not many paraplegic's out there huckin' the pigskin. God forbid what would have happened to him had it been a tackle. He might be picking out which prosthetic he thinks still makes him look the most human.
That's a bit dark, I apologize to all the stumps out there.
I'm rambling. Anyways, I lose my fuzzby for the season and it finally dawns on the rest of the team that, 'Shit, we should probably find someone else to throw the ball, right?' And I can imagine them saying this within earshot of Matt Moore who's been our backup quarterback for...ever...and all we seem to do is shit on the guy.
Tannehill's down?! Whatever will we do? Who do we get to play quarterback for us? We better look at broadcasters!" (Meanwhile, Matt Moore sits in the corner of a locker room crying ever so silently)
Enter the Cutler. Which sounds like a parody of a classic Bruce Lee film but it's really the harbinger of doom of 2017 for the Miami Dolphins. Before I tear it all to shreds, the reasoning for all of this is because Cutler's best year was with Adam Gase in Chicago. Gase is now Miami's head coach and apparently he's the only one that knows Cutler. He really knows him, you know? You may think you know how to utilize Jay Cutler but you'll never know how to utilize him like Adam Gase!
Me? Eh, I'm one of those weirdos that likes a little more of a time frame of statistics than one year. Especially when you compare it to his entire body of work. I mean, the guy is bound to have one best year, right? What are the odds that it's because it was this other guy that really motivated him or taught him better than anybody else that ever did it before in the twenty something years before that he's been playing football?
Because, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but the guy has spent his entire life looking like he would rather be somewhere else. A guy notorious for sitting out of key situations and never really giving a damn is worth chasing because once, a couple years ago, two guys captured lightning in a bottle?
I DON'T GET IT LIEUTENANT DAN!
Meanwhile, the guy who should get the job is already on the team and doesn't have to be lured away from his broadcasting job from Fox Sports for $10 million! If you told me I could get Dan Marino, at his peak, for one year at $10 million I wouldn't blink an eye. If you told me I had my choice between Jay Cutler or Matt Moore, just how they are right now, for $10 million my last word would be Moore as I blew my brains out. Ten million dollars for what? Ten million dollars for pissing on our loyal and most likely source of success and retaining the rights to the guy that was about to be Fox Sports color commentator. Cool. I'm onboard. Let's have a great season, fellas!
Jay Cutler has a body language that wonders why the martini selection wasn't as good as it was at that last art show.
Jay Cutler cares as much about the Miami Dolphins as he does about famine in Africa.
Jay Cutler is probably only in South Florida so he can finally find that rug that matches the curtains in his guest bedroom.
Jay Cutler is...the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins.
I just vomited all over the place. I need help.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Meddling Kids
I was talking with Biscuits the other day and the conversation kind of went something like this:
You ever notice how time just seems to get away from you? It's kind of scary of how quick it goes by, you know, because it's not like we can get more of it. (That was me, by the way)
Yeah, time, one of life's ancient mysteries, just like Scooby Doo. (That was Biscuits)
Wait, what?
You know, Scooby Doo, he's one of the documentaries I watch.
Okay, first off, Scooby Doo is an animated character on a show meant for children and it itself is not an actual mystery--they solve mysteries that usually follow the same dynamic.
Yep.
You didn't understand any of that, did you?
Yep.
The dog and his team of weird teenagers solve mysteries that the police could solve in about two seconds because it's always some psycho adult dressed up as a monster. It's not one of life's ancient mysteries--you know exactly what's going to happen each and every episode! The only great mystery of it all is how it's managed to stay relevant for this long.
There you go.
I...what...do you...do you think you just Jedi mind-tricked me into believing that Scooby Doo is one of life's ancient mysteries?
Yes.
Damn it, Biscuits, I was trying to actually talk to you for once and yet again we ended up talking about nonsense! Go back to the stable before I lose it!
Fine! And I'll watch all the Scooby Doo I want while I'm there!
There you have it. That's the extent of our weird existential crisis/children's show conversation. Granted I was having it with a unicorn who thinks that cartoons are documentaries that he watches in a stable but he had a good point about where I was going with my thought on time. I mean, he probably just wanted me to watch Scooby Doo with him, but I took it as that time isn't some great mysterious force but as something that we can control, just like those grown ass people pretending to be ghosts in Scooby Doo. Time is our creation and this is my time.
Speaking of which, not much has changed during our last talk. The NBA is still irrelevant because of no parity whatsoever that it's more fiscally sound for Las Vegas to post odds on Australian football. I'm not even sure if Australian football is a thing, and if it is, then I'm not sure if it's rugby, football, or soccer, but anyways it's a better payout these days than the NBA. The two guys all year long fighting for MVP and one averaging a triple double, James Harden and Russell Westbrook, are out. The San Antonio Spurs, a perennial great team that looked great all this year, looks like junior varsity next to the Golden State Warriors. Lebron James has to hear all year about how he's not Jordan and how shitty his team looks and that they're not cohesive together. Yet the Warriors and the Cavaliers are undefeated in the playoffs and in their respective conference finals looking forward to Cavs v. Warriors III: This time it's...personal.
But it's really not. The sports media did a really good job of telling us that the regular season mattered and here's some teams that we should really watch to make a move in the playoffs and I just threw up in my mouth. If this is how the NBA is going to roll then we'll just have the Warriors and Cavaliers play 82 games against each other and if they end up going 41-41 then the tiebreaker will be all the players have to become insurance brokers for the rest of their lives.
Speaking of sports media, did you all see the purge at ESPN recently? ESPN is reportedly hemorrhaging money and has decided that the best course of action is to get rid of anybody that viewers and readers follow at ESPN. This is concurrent to a sinking ship and the captain yelling, "Quick, throw off all the life-jackets and signal flares! We're sinking and need to save weight!" Then the captain yelled, "Quick, throw the network to a live feed that we've been advertising for days for to Derek Jeter receiving a plaque in New York!" None of these are good decisions. I've always liked Derek Jeter...okay, I've always respected Derek Jeter but I thought it was a little ridiculous that a world-wide broadcasting network decided that during prime-time they would show the number retiring ceremony of one guy that played for one team. I get what Jeter means to baseball, and he's a New York Yankee, and was always a good guy, and all this carries weight. I get that. But what does ESPN have to do with it? There's lots of Yankees fans all over the world but there's mostly Yankees 'fans' all over the world. They like the logo. They like the pinstripes. It's the only baseball team they ever heard of. The numbers are skewed on the number of Yankees fans because of these reasons. It's kind of like someone wearing Jordan's and not knowing who Michael Jordan is. I know this. Why doesn't the 'world-wide leader in sports'?
Well kids, it's good to chat again. See you soon. Float on, graceful swans.
You ever notice how time just seems to get away from you? It's kind of scary of how quick it goes by, you know, because it's not like we can get more of it. (That was me, by the way)
Yeah, time, one of life's ancient mysteries, just like Scooby Doo. (That was Biscuits)
Wait, what?
You know, Scooby Doo, he's one of the documentaries I watch.
Okay, first off, Scooby Doo is an animated character on a show meant for children and it itself is not an actual mystery--they solve mysteries that usually follow the same dynamic.
Yep.
You didn't understand any of that, did you?
Yep.
The dog and his team of weird teenagers solve mysteries that the police could solve in about two seconds because it's always some psycho adult dressed up as a monster. It's not one of life's ancient mysteries--you know exactly what's going to happen each and every episode! The only great mystery of it all is how it's managed to stay relevant for this long.
There you go.
I...what...do you...do you think you just Jedi mind-tricked me into believing that Scooby Doo is one of life's ancient mysteries?
Yes.
Damn it, Biscuits, I was trying to actually talk to you for once and yet again we ended up talking about nonsense! Go back to the stable before I lose it!
Fine! And I'll watch all the Scooby Doo I want while I'm there!
There you have it. That's the extent of our weird existential crisis/children's show conversation. Granted I was having it with a unicorn who thinks that cartoons are documentaries that he watches in a stable but he had a good point about where I was going with my thought on time. I mean, he probably just wanted me to watch Scooby Doo with him, but I took it as that time isn't some great mysterious force but as something that we can control, just like those grown ass people pretending to be ghosts in Scooby Doo. Time is our creation and this is my time.
Speaking of which, not much has changed during our last talk. The NBA is still irrelevant because of no parity whatsoever that it's more fiscally sound for Las Vegas to post odds on Australian football. I'm not even sure if Australian football is a thing, and if it is, then I'm not sure if it's rugby, football, or soccer, but anyways it's a better payout these days than the NBA. The two guys all year long fighting for MVP and one averaging a triple double, James Harden and Russell Westbrook, are out. The San Antonio Spurs, a perennial great team that looked great all this year, looks like junior varsity next to the Golden State Warriors. Lebron James has to hear all year about how he's not Jordan and how shitty his team looks and that they're not cohesive together. Yet the Warriors and the Cavaliers are undefeated in the playoffs and in their respective conference finals looking forward to Cavs v. Warriors III: This time it's...personal.
But it's really not. The sports media did a really good job of telling us that the regular season mattered and here's some teams that we should really watch to make a move in the playoffs and I just threw up in my mouth. If this is how the NBA is going to roll then we'll just have the Warriors and Cavaliers play 82 games against each other and if they end up going 41-41 then the tiebreaker will be all the players have to become insurance brokers for the rest of their lives.
Speaking of sports media, did you all see the purge at ESPN recently? ESPN is reportedly hemorrhaging money and has decided that the best course of action is to get rid of anybody that viewers and readers follow at ESPN. This is concurrent to a sinking ship and the captain yelling, "Quick, throw off all the life-jackets and signal flares! We're sinking and need to save weight!" Then the captain yelled, "Quick, throw the network to a live feed that we've been advertising for days for to Derek Jeter receiving a plaque in New York!" None of these are good decisions. I've always liked Derek Jeter...okay, I've always respected Derek Jeter but I thought it was a little ridiculous that a world-wide broadcasting network decided that during prime-time they would show the number retiring ceremony of one guy that played for one team. I get what Jeter means to baseball, and he's a New York Yankee, and was always a good guy, and all this carries weight. I get that. But what does ESPN have to do with it? There's lots of Yankees fans all over the world but there's mostly Yankees 'fans' all over the world. They like the logo. They like the pinstripes. It's the only baseball team they ever heard of. The numbers are skewed on the number of Yankees fans because of these reasons. It's kind of like someone wearing Jordan's and not knowing who Michael Jordan is. I know this. Why doesn't the 'world-wide leader in sports'?
Well kids, it's good to chat again. See you soon. Float on, graceful swans.
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