Back in 2011, which might as well be a lifetime ago now, the Studly Pastures was just starting up. At that point, we were around for just over a year and we were struggling to find our voice and our passion. It was rough beginnings. People don't seem to just jump at a sports blog/unicorn stud farm like I thought they would, but eh, let 'em squirm.
Then our passion became clear. The Miami Dolphins were the worst team in the league and being the worst team in that particular year meant that you were going to be set for the next foreseeable future because the universe was going to bestow upon you, Andrew Austen Luck. I forsake everything. I wanted us to not only lose every game but get stomped, absolutely trounced, and leave no doubt! That's how important it was to me. Andrew Luck, as I was convinced, would be the savior and turn our franchise around in a way we haven't even sniffed since The Man retired. I was convinced.
It was clear that we would do it, until a second contender came into the picture. I have never liked the Indianapolis Colts and it really has nothing to do with them other than I consider Peyton Manning a horrible aberration. He was the bane of the Dolphins for a long time and those things don't go gently into the night with me. Never forgive, never forget!
The rest falls ever so perfectly for someone like me living in the Twilight Zone. Peyton has to have his neck fused to his back so he can still be a person and he leaves Indy to join the Denver Broncos. He ends up winning a Super Bowl with them so it's not all roses, but he retires shortly after. However, without Peyton, the Colts, turns out what we thought forever, weren't very good at all. In fact they won two games that year. And my plucky band of idiots, that started 0-7, rallied to win six of their last nine. Six wins?! When you have Andrew Luck sitting in your stupid, stupid hands?! What the Hell is the matter with you? I really can't anymore. I must have drank myself something stupid that year because not even I remembered that we won six goddamn games that year. Jesus Christ...
Anyhoo, the Colts had Manning for decades, won a Super Bowl, lived in the sun the rest of the time, he basically dies, they have one shitty year, and then they get Andrew Luck, the next goddamn Manning.
I tried to talk them out of it. I pleaded with them. I even wrote them a letter called Said The Horse To The Dolphin. It didn't work. They still took Luck.
And wouldn't fate have it, he was as good--if not better--as advertised. The Colts were immediately back in the playoffs and contending for Super Bowls and living in the sun and the Dolphins kept their pasty asses in the dark and I wrote very hateful blog posts to the state of Indiana calling them "grain-eating flat-heads". I apologize for nothing.
But then he started getting hurt, and not just bullshit hurt, but like actually life-altering hurt. The kind of hurt where, say, and I'm just ballparking here, but maybe at age 43 you just wouldn't feel like a person anymore. That's a heavy thought to bear and Luck was smarter than that.
See, let me put it this way, Manning and Luck are both smart but they're different kinds of smart. Manning went to the University of Tennessee, where it's acceptable to do buffoonish stunts like dropping your nut sack on the face of a female trainer and just sit around and lick the icing off of Oreos all day. That's all good and well. He was a savvy quarterback though and could read defenses like they were broadcasting their coverage schemes off of his gigantic forehead. Luck went to Stanford. That's all I have to say about that.
And when it comes to injury? They had to fuse Manning back together! That's insane! Give it up, man, you've done it, you're good! Luck probably saw that, looked at his future, and said 'You know, I think one day I'd like to be able to hug my kids without blowing into a straw first!" And good on him, because I'm sure that's tough as Hell to quit the only thing you've known your whole life but still know it's the best decision for you.
So he retires. It's shocking but not when I break it down for you so eloquently, so get over it, Media Pundits. It's not the same as Jordan going to play baseball--it's not---by a looooong shot.
I reached out to some Colts fans, told them I was sorry for them and then I went about my day.
But I just had this nagging, nagging, little thought in the back of my head that kept going back to 2011. The Suck For Luck campaign did not go my way, obviously, but we have a new campaign this year and it's very much so Tank For Tua, the great quarterback out of Alabama. Our two quarterbacks this year, that are still currently duking it out for the starting position about twelve days from the start of the season, are Ryan Fitzpatrick and Josh Rosen. We're tanking, for sure, and we damn sure better not hit anywhere close to six wins!
And it dawned on me, that, without Andrew Luck, the Colts might not be very good this year. I beg you, Indianapolis, win one more than we do this year. Please! Hold out for Trevor Lawrence next year, he's got that Anglo look that you guys seem to die for!
Please...not again...
