I woke up today and looked over the immediate transactions at the start of the new NFL year (that's right, it starts in March) and had a couple of thoughts right off the bat.
The Seahawks actually agree with the rest of the world and believe that Russell Wilson has an arm as well and decided to get him somebody that's very good at catching the football--at long last and also just a couple months too late. Also this tells me that 7-9 last year for the Saints wasn't an aberration, it was a premonition. They got rid of Drew Brees' favorite target and let Drew Brees find out how the rest of us found out?! You're in the worst division in football and you just got rid of your best weapon for which reason? Oh, because you guys clashed over the fact that he thought he deserved more money and you were too busy counting your own dollars to pay him the time of day, I get it now. Last month, Tom Benson, the owner of the Saints, was ordered to undergo evaluations under different doctors to determine whether or not he was still competent enough to be the man in charge. Now I wonder if we should deem the same thing for the rest of the Saints' organization.
Jimmy Graham is a tight end, that plays like a wide receiver, and has size advantage over everybody in the secondary. Are you kidding me? You don't trade that. You DON'T trade that! There's only one other one of those in football but he's got mush-brain and is probably something that scientists chiseled out of an iceberg from the Neolithic age. Sure, the Seahawks gave up a first round pick, but that means that they essentially drafted Jimmy Graham which is what I would do given the choice a hundred times over.
Benson's not the only one slipping these days. Chip Kelly has been given full reigns of the Eagles and he's driving the stagecoach right off the cliff. Chip has decided that he's going to kick off Year Three by getting rid of everybody and bringing in people that were revising their resumes for jobs at insurance companies. Trading McCoy for a linebacker doesn't surprise me because today's NFL hates running backs that much that it makes perfect sense to swap a dynamic play-maker for a guy coming off of reconstructive knee surgery. Then he let his best receiver walk out the door but that didn't really surprise me because he traded one away a year ago. But then he traded his quarterback for Sam Bradford and I really had a moment where I just kind of drifted away from reality and went somewhere dark for a bit.
Sam Bradford? What happened to Marcus Mariota? I thought you were gonna pull some weird David Copperfield shit to move from pick 20 to top ten and pair next year's number one to get your boy. That's your boy! Instead you've opted to go with a guy coming off BACK TO BACK reconstructive knee surgeries and have relegated your boy to the likes of the New Jersey Jets. Will somebody take his keys away please? Let me be clear about something: the St.Louis Rams should never, ever be able to hang up the phone and start laughing their asses off for pulling a fast one on somebody. This is the very team that took the Greatest Show on Turf and made it just A Show about Turf.
Maybe Sam Bradford will pull a...uh...shit...I don't know...a Chad Pennington?! There's no precedent so I don't know what end result there is other than writing about the Philadelphia Riots seven months from now.
NOW. I can dish it but I most certainly can take it. If you were going to retaliate by talking about how dumb the Miami Dolphins were/are than you must be new around here because not only am I the president of the Jesus Christ, I Can't Believe We Just Did That, We Would Be Better Off Burning The Stadium Down club...I'm also a member.
Ndamukong Suh is currently working with his agent to go over the fine print in the record-breaking contract that the Miami Dolphins are negotiating with him and I'm just sitting here staring at a white wall and rocking myself back and forth while gently humming random old-timey tunes.
It's official kids, Stephen Ross has the smallest penis in the world. You see, he has a deep psychological void that he has to fill with trinkets like Ferrari's and private jets, and whatever the most expensive free agent is each off-season. He's Mediocre Gatsby.
Congratulations to the Miami Dolphins, off-season champions for three years in a row.
Now hear me out because this might be a wild and crazy off the charts idea but what if instead of crippling the cap room for the next five years (each and every year so it's more like seven or eight years now) by throwing piles of cash at a single person we evenly distribute that money across the whole team, because, you know, it's a team game. I only bring this up because it seems to me that every time we recognize a problem or a weakness we just seem to throw piles of cash at it to make it go away.
Pipe busted? Screw it, replace the whole plumbing system. Old refrigerator is making a noise we don't like? Screw it, get the biggest and shiniest on the market. Infrastructure is crumbling? Throw a new coat of paint on it. That new fridge isn't what they promised us at the store? We're gonna need a new house.
I've obviously been referencing the whole money aspect of this situation to this point (because that's all these morons seem to hear) but there's a whooooooole 'nother side to this story and that's the human aspect. The NFL refers to this as 'consequence of life' in their tax return form.
Joe Philbin is still the head coach of the Miami Dolphins and he couldn't handle Richie Incognito verbally abusing a teammate without it becoming the biggest scandal to rock the NFL since that time we all forgot that football players all talk shit to each other. Suh stomps and kicks on people. How's that fairy tale gonna end?
Three years ago, on this day, Peyton said no thanks to Miami. A year ago, on this day, they traded Jonathan Martin to the 49ers. Today they welcome Ndamukong Suh.
Circle of failure, kids.
