Your Heroes Suck

Down here on the Studly Pastures we try to make an honest living.  It's not easy raising a stud farm for unicorns but in order to do it right it's important to not cut corners.

Everything is legitimate and I'm very proud of that.

Things that I consider illegitimate: the reality shows on Bravo, people that live their life by the phrase YOLO, tofurkey, religious extremists, most of my children, and Alex Rodriguez.

I'm just kidding, I don't have any kids.

But seriously, Alex Rodriguez is a douche.  I drink scotch every Little League World Series I watch when I see those impressionable youths from around the world that declare that A-Rod is their favorite baseball player.

Don't you stupid kids know what happens when you idolize a false idol?  I'm not really sure either but apparently a river of blood is involved and that's enough for me to back out.

Let me put this bluntly: A-Rod hasn't just done enough to embarrass the sport of baseball but he's accomplished enough in his lifetime thus far to make ME embarrassed that he is also a human being.  If A-Rod was a chimpanzee, I could let it slide but dammit it all to Hell, he's a person.

And he's only 37.  I can only imagine what kind of detriment to society he'll apply with the rest of his natural existence.  The selfish moron doesn't even have the sense to die.

How bad is Alex Rodriguez at being a person?  He can't have any pets because when he wakes up in the morning and goes to let them out to pee they just run themselves directly into oncoming traffic so they don't have to live with Alex Rodriguez anymore.

Alex Rodriguez didn't leave his wife to go and date Cameron Diaz.  His wife didn't exist.  It was simply Alex Rodriguez in drag.  He's so narcissistic that he could only marry himself--and then cheat on  himself.

Angels don't get their wings every time a bell rings, they get their wings every time Alex Rodriguez takes a kidney shot.  By the way, that's no way implying that Alex Rodriguez is a creature descended from the bowels of Hell.  He's too much of a Nancy for that. (I apologize to all Nancy's out there that I just offended by comparing you to Alex Rodriguez)

When he broke his hand earlier this season I thought to myself, "Oh no! That's the hand he uses to try and swat the baseball out of the first baseman's mitt!  How will he cheat now!?"

And then I remembered that he takes steroids and knew that everything would be right with the world and I slept soundly that night.

I hate the idea of animal cruelty and this is in no way an endorsement of PETA.  I think those tree-hugging pansies are lame too.  I do, however, have a proposal.  I think that instead of product testing on animals we should just go ahead and do it on Alex Rodriguez.  Whatever happens to him happens.

A-Rod, I'm glad you're on the bench, in New York, during the play-offs, on the verge of elimination.  This is the beginning of your purgatory.  The rest will come when you are traded to the Miami Marlins.

Enjoy the rest of your life being absolutely terrible at everything you do, douche.