I last posted in October, it's now March, and the only things I've missed is the collective end of all sports and the entire world descending into all holy hell. Bad time to take five months off? I took the liberty upon myself to make sure the unicorn farm was far away from the rest of the population because these moody motherfuckers like to start trouble and my insurance is a bitch as it is so when you mix horses with horns in their foreheads with their innate proclivity for causing mischief and adding THAT to large populations, yeah no thanks, we're heading out to the sticks.
And who would've thought. High insurance premiums saved us from the apocalypse.
But seriously, you all ok out there? I've heard terrible, terrible things. Apparently toilet paper has become the reason to declare war on each other? Thankfully the unicorns don't need to wipe. I have no idea why, they just don't. I mean if I was a mystical creature, I'd probably nix wiping in my top five powers right off the bat, I just don't know if it's a choice or act of God. Alas, I still need to wipe, but being the only human male on the premises I can probably last another couple of years. Eh, let's face it, I can get gross with it. Toilet paper is a luxury item.
But wow. Weird times for sure. I mean the things I wanted to talk about seem so trivial now...
...
...Okay fine, I'll talk about them anyways!
You and I need to come to some sort of agreement that the next time I start talking about the Dolphins, just slap me across the face, and tell me that I need to stop because the Dolphins were no longer a thing since the late 90's and if I keep talking about them like they are a thing then I'm going to get committed. But also, at the same time, a lobotomy seems liberating at this point.
I'm going to shit on a bunch of things right now, and given the lack of toilet paper in the world it seems dangerous, but bare with me. Let me ask a question. Can the Miami Dolphins stop playing their seasons like the movie Rudy?
In the movie Rudy, Samwise Gamgee plays this real life tiny guy that wanted to play for Notre Dame football but they wouldn't let him because he wasn't Catholic enough. Anyways, he spends his entire college career on the practice squad and then, finally, with the threat of all the best players quitting, he's permitted to come to his last eligible game. He sits there on the sidelines the whole game and it gets to the point that it's obvious that Notre Dame is going to win the game. Now is the time those same best players start chanting and basically forcing the coach to put poor Rudy in the game in a meaningless situation. He relents, Rudy goes in, and makes a play when it doesn't matter. And that, my friends, is what it's like to watch a Miami Dolphins season.
Some people watch Rudy and think "Wow, how inspirational! He never gave up!" Uh, yeah he did. He had to have a janitor talk him out of it. The same janitor that quit from the same team.
This isn't a message of inspiration. This is a message of "hey, if you don't quite cut it, we've cut some participation ribbons for ya!"
Okay, I'm gonna stop that thought right there. We don't need that right now. I apologize. But I'm right, right?
I'm done with football. I was very much excited for baseball because my scrappy team of never say die are looking verrrry verrrrrrry promising this year. Plus, not to mention we got robbed by those cheating Houston Asstros last year. That's not a typo. That's who they are now.
In this day and age, if you're going to cheat, Jesus, can't you be smarter about it? Or maybe smarter isn't the right word. I think shrewder is. So the idea is that we have this high tech camera in the outfield wall that's going to determine what pitch is coming in so our batters have the advantage. Okay, how do we relay what the camera shows? Uhhhhh, bang on a trash can? Excuse me? Bang on a trash can? What the Hell? Did we blow our whole cheating budget on the camera?! Are we going to at least have the same guy do it every time so we can at least say that's just his thing? He likes banging on trash cans? No? Fuck.
What about if we put some more money into the cheating budget? I could probably make these little devices that you can attach to your uniform and it will buzz in what the camera sees. For that amount? I could probably make one small one.
End scene.
You're gonna tell me that those conversations didn't take place? They definitely did. Listen, whenever you have some sort of scandal like this come out, there's never any quality intelligence involved. It's always stupid and it's always caught, isn't it Belichick?
Hey guys, real quick I just wanted to say:
This is a sports blog that's run by a unicorn stud farm, I get it, I really do. We're all hurting. I've been away for a while but if it helps people smile, I'll do my best to post some more since I know some of you lucky bastards have been ordered to stay at home. Some of you hate me for saying that but you have no idea what it's like out here so screw you too! Anyways, I'll be around more often...for you, for me, for the unicorns...for all of us. Thanks.
