We've reached that time of year again, kiddos, where I start getting excited because football games are starting to really matter.
Of course they all MATTER but now we're starting to separate the cream from whatever else is in the same mixture as cream...the goop I guess. Is it goop? Goop has to be something because I know it's a word.
Anyways, I think this would be as good as a time as any to check in on my progress and see how I'm doing in my annual NFL picks that I did in The Grand Return...and OH MY GOD I PICKED HOUSTON TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Houston what in the hell happened to you?! Did Matt Schaub age ten years in some horrible science experiment gone wrong? He got benched for a guy named Case. His name is Case, you know, the thing you put stuff in? Where's my reading glasses? They're in the case, for crying out loud. Things are so bad down there in Houston that Gary Kubiak suffered a warning stroke when his team had a lead in a game! Which, by the way, scares the ever-loving crap out of me because apparently the warning for a stroke is a stroke. Screw you, human body.
At least Seattle is doing really well. I can stand behind that pick like I did the Ravens last year. Houston is going all New Orleans 2012 on me. So do I break even?
Alright, let me wash myself clean of that epic bed crapping and make some fresh marks for some Thanksgiving 2013 picks! Speaking of Marks and Thanksgiving, today is actually the one year anniversary of the all-time worst play in NFL history, the Butt Fumble. Mark Sanchez is a pretty good sport about it though and actually gave me extra sprinkles on my sundae at Dairy Queen last week. He's finally found his calling.
On to the picks!
PACKERS at LIONS: Hmm the opener is a divisional game in a division that's wide open for anybody not in the city of Minnesota...I'm intrigued. I might have to turn off the Westminster Dog Show off a little early for this one. Hopefully Aaron Rodgers returns to the field for this game or obviously the luster is a little less than perfect but quite honestly I think the edge is still slightly with the home team. They have Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron, but he might really be a robot...in disguise. The man is a beast and will not be stopped by anything short of a mugging and even then you better have a gun. I think we're in store for a shoot-out with an early decision to kick a field goal being the difference maker. DETROIT over GREEN BAY 31-28.
RAIDERS at COWBOYS: And time to go back and watch the dog show. I'm kidding, but seriously, Oakland still fields a professional team? They haven't been relegated to the Arena League yet? Here's what I think: it's Thanksgiving, the Cowboys have home-field advantage, and the Raiders don't have Bo Jackson anymore. Yet the 'Boys are quite the enigma, aren't they? They always drop a few clunkers and head-scratchers every few weeks or so. I don't blame Tony Romo though because that defense has not looked good with Monte Kiffin at the helm. I think Ol' Kiff should walk away after this year and go find a cocoon somewhere. DALLAS over OAKLAND 35-17.
STEELERS at RAVENS: Boy this game looked compelling at the beginning of the year but now you can go ahead and blame it on the Tryptophan and nod off a little early. Watching Big Ben carry around all that dead-weight makes me tired anyways. Baltimore is projectedly bad but not as bad as Pittsburgh because they have at least more than one guy who hasn't entirely given up. Defense reigns supreme in this one and the birds take it. BALTIMORE over PITTSBURGH 17-9.
Makes you not even want to watch now, right? Eh, I'll still tune in. Gives me something to do. Miami still prefers to take their craps in the Obscurity Toilet, I've been on the David Price Trade Watch for about two weeks now, and my fantasy football team is hanging on by a short and curly. Only UCF is making me proud now to set me up for the total annihilation they will receive in whatever BCS bowl they get. Happy thoughts, right?
Kids, enjoy your parade, enjoy your dog show, enjoy your football games, and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Bully League
When I woke up this morning and shimmied on my trousers and started to prepare for the daily toil like the rest of the waking world a single thought crept up on my brain: Man, wouldn't it be great not to be a Miami Dolphins fan right now?
I feel like anything associated with the Miami Dolphins right now is one giant piss stain and for once my ire isn't directed at X's and O's and wins and losses. I'm pissed at Richie Incognito, I'm pissed at Miami's coaches, and I'm so pissed with the 'NFL Powers That Be' that it's starting to stain!
First off, is something I've already covered, and that's the NFL is archaic. They're running a young man's game in a modern world and they're friggin' dinosaurs! To put things short and simple it's 2013 and the NFL is just now investigating a possible link between a sport where people get their heads bashed in and long-term concussion symptoms. They're not exactly 'with it' these days.
The NFL likes to use words like 'fraternity' and 'old school' and 'brotherhood' and it's all bullshit rhetoric for "we're a bunch of cavemen that refuse to change". And those roots are so deep that people today are AFRAID to change those ways until something like the Dolphins story breaks.
There's room for hazing in the NFL. Christ, most of today's rookies are getting paid more than ten-year veterans. Give them a bad haircut, make them carry your pads, and give them cold showers. That's all clean and good. But when a veritable psychopath is leaving you threatening voicemails and extorting you for $15K I think it's time to pull the plug on the whole ordeal.
And that's exactly what Richie Incognito did to Jonathan Martin. He threatened him, he extorted him, and he took away his feeling of safety at his own clubhouse. Where's your brotherhood now?
Martin is a Stanford grad, a smart young man, playing a position on the offensive line where most smart young men thrive in the NFL. He's a thinker. Incognito is both an explosive and implosive atomic bomb. He has no regard for safety, including his own, and probably doesn't fear anything except for maybe having to read a few books. He is a thug and a bruiser and a perfect offensive lineman and that's why the Dolphins had him on their team. Sometimes you want to win so bad that you sacrifice little things like ethics and human decency and maybe just maybe this psychopath will learn how to bottle it up and harness his energy protecting Ryan Tannehill. And the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.
And wouldn't you know it, Martin eventually had enough and reached his breaking point and decided that he didn't want to go to work anymore. Who knows what the final straw was but if you threaten to slap my momma in the face I'm going to have a few issues with you. Plus, that's how you determine how tough you are, right? Slapping people's moms? Makes sense to me.
Now the Dolphins are in crisis mode. Incognito has been "suspended" and the team is reaching out to Martin and blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. This didn't start with Incognito and it won't end with him. This is a much bigger problem than one guy and it's not going to get any better until some clear thinking individuals take charge of the NFL and make them realize that we no longer do business in the stone age.
I feel for Martin. He doesn't deserve any of this and he's thrust right in the middle by one crazy guy and a long line of brutality.
The good thing about dinosaurs though is that they eventually die out and we put their bones in museums and tell our children, "Look Johnny, this is a stegosaurus...they had walnut-sized brains."
I feel like anything associated with the Miami Dolphins right now is one giant piss stain and for once my ire isn't directed at X's and O's and wins and losses. I'm pissed at Richie Incognito, I'm pissed at Miami's coaches, and I'm so pissed with the 'NFL Powers That Be' that it's starting to stain!
First off, is something I've already covered, and that's the NFL is archaic. They're running a young man's game in a modern world and they're friggin' dinosaurs! To put things short and simple it's 2013 and the NFL is just now investigating a possible link between a sport where people get their heads bashed in and long-term concussion symptoms. They're not exactly 'with it' these days.
The NFL likes to use words like 'fraternity' and 'old school' and 'brotherhood' and it's all bullshit rhetoric for "we're a bunch of cavemen that refuse to change". And those roots are so deep that people today are AFRAID to change those ways until something like the Dolphins story breaks.
There's room for hazing in the NFL. Christ, most of today's rookies are getting paid more than ten-year veterans. Give them a bad haircut, make them carry your pads, and give them cold showers. That's all clean and good. But when a veritable psychopath is leaving you threatening voicemails and extorting you for $15K I think it's time to pull the plug on the whole ordeal.
And that's exactly what Richie Incognito did to Jonathan Martin. He threatened him, he extorted him, and he took away his feeling of safety at his own clubhouse. Where's your brotherhood now?
Martin is a Stanford grad, a smart young man, playing a position on the offensive line where most smart young men thrive in the NFL. He's a thinker. Incognito is both an explosive and implosive atomic bomb. He has no regard for safety, including his own, and probably doesn't fear anything except for maybe having to read a few books. He is a thug and a bruiser and a perfect offensive lineman and that's why the Dolphins had him on their team. Sometimes you want to win so bad that you sacrifice little things like ethics and human decency and maybe just maybe this psychopath will learn how to bottle it up and harness his energy protecting Ryan Tannehill. And the path to Hell is paved with good intentions.
And wouldn't you know it, Martin eventually had enough and reached his breaking point and decided that he didn't want to go to work anymore. Who knows what the final straw was but if you threaten to slap my momma in the face I'm going to have a few issues with you. Plus, that's how you determine how tough you are, right? Slapping people's moms? Makes sense to me.
Now the Dolphins are in crisis mode. Incognito has been "suspended" and the team is reaching out to Martin and blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. This didn't start with Incognito and it won't end with him. This is a much bigger problem than one guy and it's not going to get any better until some clear thinking individuals take charge of the NFL and make them realize that we no longer do business in the stone age.
I feel for Martin. He doesn't deserve any of this and he's thrust right in the middle by one crazy guy and a long line of brutality.
The good thing about dinosaurs though is that they eventually die out and we put their bones in museums and tell our children, "Look Johnny, this is a stegosaurus...they had walnut-sized brains."
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