Dear Mr. Favre,
As the writer of a prominent sports blog, I have watched the last three years of your career with due diligence.
I sympathized with you when it seemed as if the Green Bay Packers were pushing you out of the door in favor of Aaron Rodgers. The Packers, the very team that you had laid your body on the line each and every day for 16 seasons, seemed to not want you any more. That's tough to deal with, especially for an all-time great.
So you said your goodbyes and headed back home to your swamp in Mississippi. We started planning your parades and sculpting your Hall of Fame bust.
But then you pulled a 180 and came back to the NFL...to play for the New York Jets? What the hell was that all about? The Jets?! If you wanted to sell your soul to the devil, you could have just opened up a chain of Favre's Chicken N' Biscuits restaurants.
Regardless, the season ended without a playoff berth, due in large part to mistakes you made (and the Dolphins kicking the hell out of you in the season finale), and you retired once more. You even had to have off-season surgery for all the punishment you took.
Once again, back to the swamp. But you didn't stay this time either, did you?
Nope. You joined the Minnesota Vikings, a team that's been one of the biggest rivals of the Green Bay Packers for decades...a team they still play in their division twice a year.
To add insult to injury, most of your old Packer fan base turned on you.
Which, by the way, I can appreciate the whole "I'll show you that I still have it!" mantra that must have been the fuel behind your SECOND return. But going to your long-time division rival to play against your former team is really emotionally crippling to your fans. Isn't it, Jason Taylor?
Still, you had a pretty darn good season. You made it all the way to the NFC Championship game, but alas, an interception that you threw cost the team the game and the trophy.
NOW. We've finally arrived at this YEAR.
You came back...again...to the Vikings, with the specific purpose of winning the whole damn thing. (After having ANOTHER off-season surgery and having the distinction of being the only player/grandfather in the NFL)
You led the team to a horrible 3-5 start, which compounded with the fact that you almost went undefeated last year with relatively the same players, makes it look twice as bad. You got the coach fired after an embarrassing 31-3 lost to those darn rival Packers on national television. Then came out allegations that you were texting pictures of your penis to a woman from the Jets organization. Then you got whacked on your shoulder causing you to have numbness in your hand and end your streak of 297 consecutive starts. And finally, with three games left to play, your team has officially been eliminated from playoff contention.
Woof, deep breath.
It is for all the aforementioned details of the last three years of your life, that I strongly and passionately urge you, to go away.
Don't even bother retiring or anything, just disappear.
In a matter of 36 months, you have managed to somehow completely tarnish a first ballot HOF career without the help from any performance enhancing drug rumors. Your life has become a complete and utter joke with a storyline that's staler than any daytime television.
You can't win the Super Bowl anymore and you've set the Vikings back at least three years from contention (which I'm sure Adrian Peterson will be happy about).
Go back to Mississippi, put on your wrangler jeans, and never speak publicly again.
And in your specific case, no texting either. You've lost that privilege as well.
Sincerely,
The Studly Pastures Writer
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Son Shall Rise Again!
Former Florida Gators standout quarterback (and current Denver Broncos bench warmer), Tim Tebow, is giving the world another gift.
He's decided to put a cap on things and write his memoirs.
The word memoir is French, from Latin meaning "memory" and "reminiscence." It's generally something you do after you have encompassed a life span and would like to reflect on your experiences. Especially if you have lived a life that people would like to hear about. People like world leaders, politicians, and famous businessmen.
Mr. Tebow has decided to do this at 23 as a rookie backup quarterback in the National Football League.
He's calling it an inspirational story that will be about "faith, family, and football."
But he's 23 and hasn't done anything.
"And that was the first time Coach McDaniels made me an omelette. It was a little spicy so I asked him if he added any cayenne pepper to the eggs and he said that he had." - an excerpt from Tim Tebow's memoirs.
Faith, family and football? So he's going to write a whole book on circumcising little boys in third world countries, remaining abstinent, and under-throwing his receivers?
His current NFL stats: zero pass attempts for zero yards and ten rushes for 26 yards. I'm feeling inspired already!
So if there isn't a whole lot of substance in the NFL department, maybe he's going to focus more on his college years instead:
"It was pretty easy running for a billion yards a game with my NFL caliber offensive line and receiving core. Coach Meyer used to do this play that I really liked where I would do a little hop and throw a really weak pass to my tight end that was always wide open in the end zone." - another excerpt from Tim Tebow's memoirs.
If there is a chapter dedicated to his eye black messages, I'm going to lose it.
The most sickening part out of all of this nonsense? It's probably going to be a huge hit and be on the NY Times bestseller list. For whatever reason, the guy's influence on the general public is astounding.
So go out and write a children's Christian book complete with pop-up pictures of Jesus and cute little cuddly Christian animals. Do another PSA about how you think abortions are the work of Satan. Promote John 3:16 some more. That stuff is all good and wholesome Tebow stuff. Just don't write your memoirs, jackass, it's pretentious.
Tebow's "Through My Eyes" comes out in April. It's still unclear whether or not the title is a reference to him crying after the SEC Championship game that Florida lost to Alabama.
He's decided to put a cap on things and write his memoirs.
The word memoir is French, from Latin meaning "memory" and "reminiscence." It's generally something you do after you have encompassed a life span and would like to reflect on your experiences. Especially if you have lived a life that people would like to hear about. People like world leaders, politicians, and famous businessmen.
Mr. Tebow has decided to do this at 23 as a rookie backup quarterback in the National Football League.
He's calling it an inspirational story that will be about "faith, family, and football."
But he's 23 and hasn't done anything.
"And that was the first time Coach McDaniels made me an omelette. It was a little spicy so I asked him if he added any cayenne pepper to the eggs and he said that he had." - an excerpt from Tim Tebow's memoirs.
Faith, family and football? So he's going to write a whole book on circumcising little boys in third world countries, remaining abstinent, and under-throwing his receivers?
His current NFL stats: zero pass attempts for zero yards and ten rushes for 26 yards. I'm feeling inspired already!
So if there isn't a whole lot of substance in the NFL department, maybe he's going to focus more on his college years instead:
"It was pretty easy running for a billion yards a game with my NFL caliber offensive line and receiving core. Coach Meyer used to do this play that I really liked where I would do a little hop and throw a really weak pass to my tight end that was always wide open in the end zone." - another excerpt from Tim Tebow's memoirs.
If there is a chapter dedicated to his eye black messages, I'm going to lose it.
The most sickening part out of all of this nonsense? It's probably going to be a huge hit and be on the NY Times bestseller list. For whatever reason, the guy's influence on the general public is astounding.
So go out and write a children's Christian book complete with pop-up pictures of Jesus and cute little cuddly Christian animals. Do another PSA about how you think abortions are the work of Satan. Promote John 3:16 some more. That stuff is all good and wholesome Tebow stuff. Just don't write your memoirs, jackass, it's pretentious.
Tebow's "Through My Eyes" comes out in April. It's still unclear whether or not the title is a reference to him crying after the SEC Championship game that Florida lost to Alabama.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Heads Will Roll
There's a bunch of hubbub in the NFL this week after some particularly nasty helmet to helmet collisions last Sunday.
Fines have swiftly come down from the league office on players like Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison, Patriots safety Brandon Meriweather and Atlanta cornerback Dunta Robinson.
More importantly, these fines have come with warnings that any players going for flagrant hits may become targets of another kind: suspensions.
A lot has been said, especially in the most recent years, about the long-term affects of concussions on NFL players. A lot of them, including Zach Thomas, are going to donate their brains to science when they die to try and get a feel on what exactly those long-term affects are.
There are rules in place already in the NFL to regulate DELIBERATE helmet to helmet contact. Now the office wants to legislate the hits even more with the possibility of suspensions?
Football is a brutal sport. No matter how you spin it, players are going to get hurt. You can try all you want to limit the number of times a helmet to helmet hit is going to take place but the fact is that it's still going to happen.
What do you do when a linebacker is going to make a play and the running back lowers his helmet after the defender has already made his move? Suspend the running back?
These are people who have been told since they first picked up the ball that this is a sport for the biggest and baddest, you don't like it, go play golf. In fact, I only started watching golf just this past year thanks to Tiger 'Oh lord, not another one' Woods!
The players are well aware of the risks they take every time they strap on the helmet. They do it for the glory and the thrill of the game, two things that don't come without sacrifice.
Then there's always the reason why they get to do it in the first place. Fans love a big hit. It's the same reason why people are fans of NASCAR and hockey. Those sports would be incredibly lame without the crashes and the fights. Without those aspects, NASCAR would become some form of bumper cars and hockey would be the new Ice Capades.
Football without the hard-hitting will become mundane. It's a sport, meaning, it's a form of entertainment. The main draw for this form of entertainment is the violence and the brutality.
Just wait until ten years from now when Russian roulette becomes a prime-time draw.
That's why UFC is so popular right now. People want to see two apes beat each others heads in. It's big money.
I agree that headhunting with a purpose has no business in the sport. It's cheap and thuggish. But to start telling the players to hold up a bit when you go to tackle somebody? Ridiculous.
If anything, that logic might cause MORE injuries.
Fines have swiftly come down from the league office on players like Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison, Patriots safety Brandon Meriweather and Atlanta cornerback Dunta Robinson.
More importantly, these fines have come with warnings that any players going for flagrant hits may become targets of another kind: suspensions.
A lot has been said, especially in the most recent years, about the long-term affects of concussions on NFL players. A lot of them, including Zach Thomas, are going to donate their brains to science when they die to try and get a feel on what exactly those long-term affects are.
There are rules in place already in the NFL to regulate DELIBERATE helmet to helmet contact. Now the office wants to legislate the hits even more with the possibility of suspensions?
Football is a brutal sport. No matter how you spin it, players are going to get hurt. You can try all you want to limit the number of times a helmet to helmet hit is going to take place but the fact is that it's still going to happen.
What do you do when a linebacker is going to make a play and the running back lowers his helmet after the defender has already made his move? Suspend the running back?
These are people who have been told since they first picked up the ball that this is a sport for the biggest and baddest, you don't like it, go play golf. In fact, I only started watching golf just this past year thanks to Tiger 'Oh lord, not another one' Woods!
The players are well aware of the risks they take every time they strap on the helmet. They do it for the glory and the thrill of the game, two things that don't come without sacrifice.
Then there's always the reason why they get to do it in the first place. Fans love a big hit. It's the same reason why people are fans of NASCAR and hockey. Those sports would be incredibly lame without the crashes and the fights. Without those aspects, NASCAR would become some form of bumper cars and hockey would be the new Ice Capades.
Football without the hard-hitting will become mundane. It's a sport, meaning, it's a form of entertainment. The main draw for this form of entertainment is the violence and the brutality.
Just wait until ten years from now when Russian roulette becomes a prime-time draw.
That's why UFC is so popular right now. People want to see two apes beat each others heads in. It's big money.
I agree that headhunting with a purpose has no business in the sport. It's cheap and thuggish. But to start telling the players to hold up a bit when you go to tackle somebody? Ridiculous.
If anything, that logic might cause MORE injuries.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Tony Hawk High School
Kingsway Middle School in Swedesboro, New Jersey has officially added new curriculum to their physical education program...skateboarding.
And they said that smoking weed, not cutting your hair, and wearing Vans wouldn't get you far in school!
I would just like the record to show that I am vehemently against this action.
First of all, who still skateboards? Didn't that die out completely in like 2002? I don't even think the most famous skateboarder of all, Tony Hawk, still skateboards. He's 42 for christsakes! Time to put away the knee pads and put on a suit, Tony.
But isn't it a little odd that something like skateboarding, which has always been a symbol and a catalyst for the anti-establishment movement, is now implemented in a public school system?
I mean, what's next? If skateboarding is now being accepted in PHYSICAL EDUCATION classes, are English Lit classes going to make Thrasher magazine a required text?
Don't they know what happens when you introduce a little anarchy into the equation? Revolution!
Furthermore, the school systems are using skateboarding as a replacement for dodgeball!
That's right people, your kids might live in a world without dodgeball.
Dodgeball is a more appropriate life lesson to teach in Phys Ed than skateboarding. Think about it: if you make a mistake, you get hit with a ball. It's a beautiful representation of what happens to you in the real world. Plus, the bigger and stronger usually win over the weak and timid.
What's skateboarding teach? How to snap your arm in half trying to do a switch kickflip down a flight of stairs? Or maybe it's to show the intense ball pain you'll have the first time you try to grind a rail?
They should have just gone for the gusto and brought motocross in. At least they all have hot wives.
And they said that smoking weed, not cutting your hair, and wearing Vans wouldn't get you far in school!
I would just like the record to show that I am vehemently against this action.
First of all, who still skateboards? Didn't that die out completely in like 2002? I don't even think the most famous skateboarder of all, Tony Hawk, still skateboards. He's 42 for christsakes! Time to put away the knee pads and put on a suit, Tony.
But isn't it a little odd that something like skateboarding, which has always been a symbol and a catalyst for the anti-establishment movement, is now implemented in a public school system?
I mean, what's next? If skateboarding is now being accepted in PHYSICAL EDUCATION classes, are English Lit classes going to make Thrasher magazine a required text?
Don't they know what happens when you introduce a little anarchy into the equation? Revolution!
Furthermore, the school systems are using skateboarding as a replacement for dodgeball!
That's right people, your kids might live in a world without dodgeball.
Dodgeball is a more appropriate life lesson to teach in Phys Ed than skateboarding. Think about it: if you make a mistake, you get hit with a ball. It's a beautiful representation of what happens to you in the real world. Plus, the bigger and stronger usually win over the weak and timid.
What's skateboarding teach? How to snap your arm in half trying to do a switch kickflip down a flight of stairs? Or maybe it's to show the intense ball pain you'll have the first time you try to grind a rail?
They should have just gone for the gusto and brought motocross in. At least they all have hot wives.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Pretty Boy Versus Yellow Boy?
Floyd Mayweather Jr., boxing aficionado and Dancing With The Stars contestant, recently released a video 'statement' where he went on a racially-fueled tirade against fellow boxer, Manny Pacquiao.
Mayweather, who is a perfect 41-0 in competitive boxing, agreed to fight Pacquiao, who is currently ranked as the world's best boxer, but backed out when Pacquiao did not agree to take a blood test.
Many critics saw this as Mayweather being a coward and a chicken so he responded Mel Gibson-esque and attacked Pacquiao verbally with some vicious racist stereotypes.
"As soon as we come off vacation, we're going to cook that little yellow chump," Mayweather eloquently said. As well as, "Once I stomp the midget, I'll make that mother f----- make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice."
Right then. Let's get to it.
Look, I appreciate shit-talking just as much as the next guy but it's a sad day when it's become trite and cliche to release a race hate video.
All kidding aside, why are people losing their minds over this?
Mayweather is a boxer. Is he a racist? Probably, but he's a boxer first and foremost. His job is to literally beat the shit out of the other guy before he gets the shit beat out of himself. Why did we think he was ever going to release a video of something other than hateful sewage? I didn't say he was a physics professor. He's a boxer!
I mean, look at his half-assed apology:
"Forgive me for saying what I said. I was just having fun. I didn't really mean it. Nothing in a bad way. So let's stay on this roller coaster ride and keep riding, baby. It's all love."
HAH! Roller coaster ride? Is he drunk?
When I picture him reading that statement, I always think of that creepy guy at the club who goes up to women he doesn't know who are dancing on the floor and starts grinding on them and when they catch on that he's there and they give him that 'who the hell are you' look and stop dancing to go back to the bar with their girlfriends. Why? Because that creepy guy always says, "Hey, it's all good, baby. It's all good." You know I'm right.
Although, there was some good to come out of this craziness. I discovered the existence of the National Federation of Filipino American Associations.
The NaFFAA (which is the longest acronym ever) released the following gem:
"This disgusting diatribe against Pacquiao is a racial slur against all Filipinos and Filipino Americans and an embarrassment not only to the boxing community, but to all Americans."
Interesting. First of all, why the hell can you no longer insult one person without insulting their entire race? Isn't it natural when you don't like somebody to pray on their insecurities...or yours for that matter? Or not even insecurities exactly, just the most obvious thing that people notice off the bat?
This is called the lazy-eye defense. Anybody who has a lazy-eye is going to be made fun of for that lazy-eye the minute they get in an argument with somebody, especially if lazy-eye guy is the smarter of the two.
So when Mayweather called Pacquiao a 'midget' and a 'yellow chump', he was just enacting lazy-eye defense. He felt cornered and just like all things that are cornered, he lashed out.
Second of all, the NaFFAA is a little inaccurate. Mayweather's rant doesn't even come close to embarrassing the boxing community. This is the same community that had to deal with Mike Tyson, so just stop right there. Tyson was once considered the best boxer around--and then he got convicted of rape and bit a guy's ear off. If the boxing community doesn't have a thick skin by now, I don't think there's any hope left.
Finally, my most favorite of all, how the NaFFAA caps off their statement by saying that this is an embarrassment to ALL Americans.
Isn't assuming the actions of one person being responsible for the actions of an entire community...racist? The very thing that the NaFFAA is speaking against?
Somebody get me a towel over here. I just peed all over the place. It's what I do when I'm frustrated.
Second finally, why, oh why, are there so many Filipino American associations that they need a goddamn federation? A FEDERATION?! What the hell is this? Star Trek?
Mayweather, who is a perfect 41-0 in competitive boxing, agreed to fight Pacquiao, who is currently ranked as the world's best boxer, but backed out when Pacquiao did not agree to take a blood test.
Many critics saw this as Mayweather being a coward and a chicken so he responded Mel Gibson-esque and attacked Pacquiao verbally with some vicious racist stereotypes.
"As soon as we come off vacation, we're going to cook that little yellow chump," Mayweather eloquently said. As well as, "Once I stomp the midget, I'll make that mother f----- make me a sushi roll and cook me some rice."
Right then. Let's get to it.
Look, I appreciate shit-talking just as much as the next guy but it's a sad day when it's become trite and cliche to release a race hate video.
All kidding aside, why are people losing their minds over this?
Mayweather is a boxer. Is he a racist? Probably, but he's a boxer first and foremost. His job is to literally beat the shit out of the other guy before he gets the shit beat out of himself. Why did we think he was ever going to release a video of something other than hateful sewage? I didn't say he was a physics professor. He's a boxer!
I mean, look at his half-assed apology:
"Forgive me for saying what I said. I was just having fun. I didn't really mean it. Nothing in a bad way. So let's stay on this roller coaster ride and keep riding, baby. It's all love."
HAH! Roller coaster ride? Is he drunk?
When I picture him reading that statement, I always think of that creepy guy at the club who goes up to women he doesn't know who are dancing on the floor and starts grinding on them and when they catch on that he's there and they give him that 'who the hell are you' look and stop dancing to go back to the bar with their girlfriends. Why? Because that creepy guy always says, "Hey, it's all good, baby. It's all good." You know I'm right.
Although, there was some good to come out of this craziness. I discovered the existence of the National Federation of Filipino American Associations.
The NaFFAA (which is the longest acronym ever) released the following gem:
"This disgusting diatribe against Pacquiao is a racial slur against all Filipinos and Filipino Americans and an embarrassment not only to the boxing community, but to all Americans."
Interesting. First of all, why the hell can you no longer insult one person without insulting their entire race? Isn't it natural when you don't like somebody to pray on their insecurities...or yours for that matter? Or not even insecurities exactly, just the most obvious thing that people notice off the bat?
This is called the lazy-eye defense. Anybody who has a lazy-eye is going to be made fun of for that lazy-eye the minute they get in an argument with somebody, especially if lazy-eye guy is the smarter of the two.
So when Mayweather called Pacquiao a 'midget' and a 'yellow chump', he was just enacting lazy-eye defense. He felt cornered and just like all things that are cornered, he lashed out.
Second of all, the NaFFAA is a little inaccurate. Mayweather's rant doesn't even come close to embarrassing the boxing community. This is the same community that had to deal with Mike Tyson, so just stop right there. Tyson was once considered the best boxer around--and then he got convicted of rape and bit a guy's ear off. If the boxing community doesn't have a thick skin by now, I don't think there's any hope left.
Finally, my most favorite of all, how the NaFFAA caps off their statement by saying that this is an embarrassment to ALL Americans.
Isn't assuming the actions of one person being responsible for the actions of an entire community...racist? The very thing that the NaFFAA is speaking against?
Somebody get me a towel over here. I just peed all over the place. It's what I do when I'm frustrated.
Second finally, why, oh why, are there so many Filipino American associations that they need a goddamn federation? A FEDERATION?! What the hell is this? Star Trek?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rocket Man
Roger Clemens, former MLB pitcher, was indicted on federal charges for lying to a grand jury about his steroid use throughout his career.
Clemens has vehemently denied ever using steroids despite testimony from the guy that gave him steroids, and Andy Pettitte, another MLB pitcher that took steroids and admitted to it and is Roger Clemens best friend.
The Rocket made a fatal flaw in his web of lies. He was able to convince himself that he never took steroids. So, when his web began to fall apart around him, he should have taken the same route as Pettitte, or Alex Rodriguez, or Brian Cushing, or Manny Ramirez, and that is to LIE about why you took steroids in the first place.
Say it was because some lousy trainer told you it was herbal supplements, or you were taking fertility drugs to have sympathy symptoms with your wife, or you accidentally fell on the needle.
This is the proper progression of lying. When caught in your first lie, you make up a new one that is even more preposterous than that!
Instead, Rocket is in deeper shit than he was before, because now he faces possible jail time for LYING to a federal court. They don't take too kindly to that.
Look, we all know why he was lying. He was trying to save himself that Hall of Fame spot.
Yet again, he was so deep in his own muck that he didn't recognize what was happening to Mark McGwire. Big Mac didn't even LIE! He didn't say anything! Still, no Hall of Fame for the guy that "brought back baseball". (Speaking of which, have you seen Sammy Sosa lately? Jesus Christ!)
What's next for Roger? Well, he's gotta go to prison. He has to, because I'm sick of this.
He needs to go to prison for his reality check. He's just like the rest of us. We do something wrong, we lie about it, we get caught, and then we suffer the CONSEQUENCES.
Clemens is a man who needs to suffer some consequences.
Clemens has vehemently denied ever using steroids despite testimony from the guy that gave him steroids, and Andy Pettitte, another MLB pitcher that took steroids and admitted to it and is Roger Clemens best friend.
The Rocket made a fatal flaw in his web of lies. He was able to convince himself that he never took steroids. So, when his web began to fall apart around him, he should have taken the same route as Pettitte, or Alex Rodriguez, or Brian Cushing, or Manny Ramirez, and that is to LIE about why you took steroids in the first place.
Say it was because some lousy trainer told you it was herbal supplements, or you were taking fertility drugs to have sympathy symptoms with your wife, or you accidentally fell on the needle.
This is the proper progression of lying. When caught in your first lie, you make up a new one that is even more preposterous than that!
Instead, Rocket is in deeper shit than he was before, because now he faces possible jail time for LYING to a federal court. They don't take too kindly to that.
Look, we all know why he was lying. He was trying to save himself that Hall of Fame spot.
Yet again, he was so deep in his own muck that he didn't recognize what was happening to Mark McGwire. Big Mac didn't even LIE! He didn't say anything! Still, no Hall of Fame for the guy that "brought back baseball". (Speaking of which, have you seen Sammy Sosa lately? Jesus Christ!)
What's next for Roger? Well, he's gotta go to prison. He has to, because I'm sick of this.
He needs to go to prison for his reality check. He's just like the rest of us. We do something wrong, we lie about it, we get caught, and then we suffer the CONSEQUENCES.
Clemens is a man who needs to suffer some consequences.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Luckiest Man In The World
I've got news from across the pond today! Hah! Most international blog ever? I think so.
Fabio Capello, current England soccer coach, has said that David Beckham, title guy from 2002's Keira Knightly film, "Bend it like Beckham," is too old for the English team and will not be picked again.
Cue sound of a million crumbling macaroons.
Naturally, the English media has lost their minds and demand satisfaction for such remarks. The Daily Mirror and the Telegraph (harsh media names, bro) have even gone so far as to call the debacle "Dumb and Dumber" and "Another Fine Mess".
Scathing.
Well let's hope that some of the British population subscribes to the Studly Pastures because I'm about to rock your boats.
David Beckham is 35-years old and is coming off Achilles surgery. Remember how every time a goal was scored against England in South Africa's World Cup the camera would pan to Becks writhing in agony in a tailored suit? That's why. He tore his Achilles. Becks doesn't play soccer in a tailored suit, contrary to popular belief.
(I'm not going to refer to him as "Becks" anymore though. I have to pay royalties every time I do that and he's just not worth the money anymore.)
So, being 35-years old and coming off major surgery might as well make you 65-years old in the world of soccer.
I thought England was supposed to know soccer?
Look, Beckham has a very storied international career with England. He's played 115 times for England, that's second in their history. He married my childhood idol, Posh Spice. His hair is crafted by Zeus, the Greek God of lightning.
And it goes without saying, he has tremendous "Sexy Room" ability.
What's that? You need clarification on the "Sexy Room" theory? Sure thing.
I've mentioned this before with Tiger Woods. (By the way, of course I noticed he shaved his goatee after my last post. And YOU thought I was just always talking out my ass!)
Back to the "Sexy Room" thing. I walk into a room full of people, nobody cares. Tiger Woods, David Beckham, and uh, for these purposes, let's say George Clooney. They walk into a room, at least HALF of the room says, "Oh I'm having sex with one of these guys tonight based simply on their looks." Some of those people are men, too.
It's science. That's why I'm a writer. Eventually some girl out there is going to read this and think, "Oh I'm going to force this guy to do shit he doesn't want to do because I'm way better looking than him." Science.
So David Beckham isn't going to play soccer for England anymore. Hopefully he won't play for the MLS anymore either because that shit's embarrassing.
So, England, throw him a parade when he 'officially retires,' build him a statue, and name some small village 'Beckingham.'
Oh, what's that? You already have that? Well, I'm tapped.
Beckingham Palace
Close enough.
Fabio Capello, current England soccer coach, has said that David Beckham, title guy from 2002's Keira Knightly film, "Bend it like Beckham," is too old for the English team and will not be picked again.
Cue sound of a million crumbling macaroons.
Naturally, the English media has lost their minds and demand satisfaction for such remarks. The Daily Mirror and the Telegraph (harsh media names, bro) have even gone so far as to call the debacle "Dumb and Dumber" and "Another Fine Mess".
Scathing.
Well let's hope that some of the British population subscribes to the Studly Pastures because I'm about to rock your boats.
David Beckham is 35-years old and is coming off Achilles surgery. Remember how every time a goal was scored against England in South Africa's World Cup the camera would pan to Becks writhing in agony in a tailored suit? That's why. He tore his Achilles. Becks doesn't play soccer in a tailored suit, contrary to popular belief.
(I'm not going to refer to him as "Becks" anymore though. I have to pay royalties every time I do that and he's just not worth the money anymore.)
So, being 35-years old and coming off major surgery might as well make you 65-years old in the world of soccer.
I thought England was supposed to know soccer?
Look, Beckham has a very storied international career with England. He's played 115 times for England, that's second in their history. He married my childhood idol, Posh Spice. His hair is crafted by Zeus, the Greek God of lightning.
And it goes without saying, he has tremendous "Sexy Room" ability.
What's that? You need clarification on the "Sexy Room" theory? Sure thing.
I've mentioned this before with Tiger Woods. (By the way, of course I noticed he shaved his goatee after my last post. And YOU thought I was just always talking out my ass!)
Back to the "Sexy Room" thing. I walk into a room full of people, nobody cares. Tiger Woods, David Beckham, and uh, for these purposes, let's say George Clooney. They walk into a room, at least HALF of the room says, "Oh I'm having sex with one of these guys tonight based simply on their looks." Some of those people are men, too.
It's science. That's why I'm a writer. Eventually some girl out there is going to read this and think, "Oh I'm going to force this guy to do shit he doesn't want to do because I'm way better looking than him." Science.
So David Beckham isn't going to play soccer for England anymore. Hopefully he won't play for the MLS anymore either because that shit's embarrassing.
So, England, throw him a parade when he 'officially retires,' build him a statue, and name some small village 'Beckingham.'
Oh, what's that? You already have that? Well, I'm tapped.
Beckingham Palace
Close enough.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Tiger, Tiger Woods, Y'all.
The persecution of Tiger Woods, as set by the court of the all-powerful MEDIA.
I wish I had the power to bring someone, not from this world, here one day and then let them do what we consider pretty much the normal everyday activities.
Wake up. Get the paper. Make breakfast. Go to work. Come home. Watch the news. Make dinner. Go to sleep.
Then I would like to ask them what they thought of Tiger Woods.
I'm pretty sure it would go something like this. "Oh, he's the guy that started the holocaust and killed all those nice Dutch people at Pearl Harbor."
After all, they've only been here for one day. They can't get ALL the details right.
Somehow the media, the entire collective media, got confused and thought that Tiger's putter is somehow an extension of his penis.
Now, I'm not a champion golfer. I know some things. I know that in order to ensure a great swing, you first have to say, "dollar bills." Bingo. Great golf swing.
I also know that at any given time I decided to swing the wrenches, it had nothing to do with my penis. It's a sport. The only sport that involves the penis is "sword-fighting." No, not that kind of sword-fighting. You're thinking of fencing.
So Tiger goes out this weekend and, wouldn't you know it, has the worst professional tournament of his career.
Duh. Of course he does. Didn't you see him on Thursday? He had a goatee, it was Evil Tiger. Evil Tiger doesn't play golf, he plays WOMEN.
Somehow the media, has forgotten this. They like to think that Evil Tiger plays golf. They like to make us think that Evil Tiger plays golf.
He doesn't.
Regular Tiger does and he's the best at it. As soon as Regular Tiger kills Evil Tiger, or at least shaves off that awful goatee, he'll be back to being the best at golf.
It's like the real-life version of those Priceline commercials with William Shatner. In fact, it's exactly like that. Only he's trying to make you spend more money on hotels.
I wish I had the power to bring someone, not from this world, here one day and then let them do what we consider pretty much the normal everyday activities.
Wake up. Get the paper. Make breakfast. Go to work. Come home. Watch the news. Make dinner. Go to sleep.
Then I would like to ask them what they thought of Tiger Woods.
I'm pretty sure it would go something like this. "Oh, he's the guy that started the holocaust and killed all those nice Dutch people at Pearl Harbor."
After all, they've only been here for one day. They can't get ALL the details right.
Somehow the media, the entire collective media, got confused and thought that Tiger's putter is somehow an extension of his penis.
Now, I'm not a champion golfer. I know some things. I know that in order to ensure a great swing, you first have to say, "dollar bills." Bingo. Great golf swing.
I also know that at any given time I decided to swing the wrenches, it had nothing to do with my penis. It's a sport. The only sport that involves the penis is "sword-fighting." No, not that kind of sword-fighting. You're thinking of fencing.
So Tiger goes out this weekend and, wouldn't you know it, has the worst professional tournament of his career.
Duh. Of course he does. Didn't you see him on Thursday? He had a goatee, it was Evil Tiger. Evil Tiger doesn't play golf, he plays WOMEN.
Somehow the media, has forgotten this. They like to think that Evil Tiger plays golf. They like to make us think that Evil Tiger plays golf.
He doesn't.
Regular Tiger does and he's the best at it. As soon as Regular Tiger kills Evil Tiger, or at least shaves off that awful goatee, he'll be back to being the best at golf.
It's like the real-life version of those Priceline commercials with William Shatner. In fact, it's exactly like that. Only he's trying to make you spend more money on hotels.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive!
A federal judge in Connecticut has ruled that cheer leading is NOT a sport.
While most of the nation saw that headline and said, "Well, duh" and then proceeded to move on with their lives, rest assured that this was done for a reason. It's not like this judge was just sitting in court one day and said, "You know what? Today's the day I feel like shitting on some kids and hot chicks."
It's a Title IX type of dealie for the handling and disbursement of funds. That's right, one of those weird times where it's about the money and nothing else really.
Look, saying cheer leading is not a sport is pretty much a no-brainer. I sit in the stands and cheer as loud as I can too but I don't expect someone to hand me a towel and a bucket of Gatorade when I get done. It's not that tough.
But why shouldn't they get money under Title IX?
I went to a university where the athletic program was like watching a dog trying to grab a doggy treat off of his back. He just keeps going around and around in circles and you think about attempting to help him but you're hypnotized.
Saturdays became more about the alcohol than about the football.
Sure enough though, every Saturday, there were the cheer leaders. Dancing around, rhyming, and getting tossed around. There was a quirky sense of honor about them for trying to promote a winning attitude in a bunch of losers.
Cheer leaders are like the band from the Titanic who decided to keep playing violins to calm the crowd instead of clawing their way to a lifeboat like the rest of us would have done.
Dammit, they've got spirit! Can't you hear them, judge?
Cheer leaders are so dedicated to their craft that they couldn't even put the pom-poms down for just a second to rally for their own cause and try and squeeze some of that sweet Title IX juice.
Which, is fantastically ironic.
Give the cheer leaders their well deserved money, judge. Just not the dude ones. They're weird.
While most of the nation saw that headline and said, "Well, duh" and then proceeded to move on with their lives, rest assured that this was done for a reason. It's not like this judge was just sitting in court one day and said, "You know what? Today's the day I feel like shitting on some kids and hot chicks."
It's a Title IX type of dealie for the handling and disbursement of funds. That's right, one of those weird times where it's about the money and nothing else really.
Look, saying cheer leading is not a sport is pretty much a no-brainer. I sit in the stands and cheer as loud as I can too but I don't expect someone to hand me a towel and a bucket of Gatorade when I get done. It's not that tough.
But why shouldn't they get money under Title IX?
I went to a university where the athletic program was like watching a dog trying to grab a doggy treat off of his back. He just keeps going around and around in circles and you think about attempting to help him but you're hypnotized.
Saturdays became more about the alcohol than about the football.
Sure enough though, every Saturday, there were the cheer leaders. Dancing around, rhyming, and getting tossed around. There was a quirky sense of honor about them for trying to promote a winning attitude in a bunch of losers.
Cheer leaders are like the band from the Titanic who decided to keep playing violins to calm the crowd instead of clawing their way to a lifeboat like the rest of us would have done.
Dammit, they've got spirit! Can't you hear them, judge?
Cheer leaders are so dedicated to their craft that they couldn't even put the pom-poms down for just a second to rally for their own cause and try and squeeze some of that sweet Title IX juice.
Which, is fantastically ironic.
Give the cheer leaders their well deserved money, judge. Just not the dude ones. They're weird.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Best of What?
The All-Stars of Major League Soccer will take on the storied English Premier League, Manchester United, a week from today in Houston.
The North American tour for the Man U Red Devils will have them visit Philadelphia to take on the expansion Union, then off to Kansas City to take on the Wizards, and finally a stop at Reliant Stadium in Houston for the All-Stars match.
Wait a minute? I thought the world cup was over?
Although it may be surprising for some of you to hear, soccer is played more than just one month every four years.
While this friendly match seems intriguing, here are some key points to keep in mind:
Major League Soccer can be divided into two categories: where great players are kept in purgatory (see: Landon Donovan) and where once great players have gone to die (see: David Beckham and Thierry Henry).
The English Premier League is the top league in English football, and they kinda take it a little seriously over there. So seriously that the worst teams in the EPL every season are booted out and put in the league below them.
Manchester United has won the EPL 11 times. Their closest competitors, Arsenal and Chelsea, have only won three times each.
These are actual All-Stars.
For basketball fans, it's sort of like this. You know how every year during the NBA All-Star break they play the Rookies vs. Sophomores game? And you know how every year you think, 'hey this could be interesting!', yet every year the sophomores crush the rookies.
Yeah, it's like that, only they can't use their hands.
The North American tour for the Man U Red Devils will have them visit Philadelphia to take on the expansion Union, then off to Kansas City to take on the Wizards, and finally a stop at Reliant Stadium in Houston for the All-Stars match.
Wait a minute? I thought the world cup was over?
Although it may be surprising for some of you to hear, soccer is played more than just one month every four years.
While this friendly match seems intriguing, here are some key points to keep in mind:
Major League Soccer can be divided into two categories: where great players are kept in purgatory (see: Landon Donovan) and where once great players have gone to die (see: David Beckham and Thierry Henry).
The English Premier League is the top league in English football, and they kinda take it a little seriously over there. So seriously that the worst teams in the EPL every season are booted out and put in the league below them.
Manchester United has won the EPL 11 times. Their closest competitors, Arsenal and Chelsea, have only won three times each.
These are actual All-Stars.
For basketball fans, it's sort of like this. You know how every year during the NBA All-Star break they play the Rookies vs. Sophomores game? And you know how every year you think, 'hey this could be interesting!', yet every year the sophomores crush the rookies.
Yeah, it's like that, only they can't use their hands.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
If You Can't Stand The Heat...
Hah, what a clever title! It's a double entendre in honor of it being the day after Bastille Day but also relevant because of the villainization of a 'King'.
LeBron James recently captivated a nation--dare I say, the world--with his free agency Decision (ESPN's lawyers will crucify me if I don't capitalize that word) to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh with the Miami Heat.
So the jerk proved me wrong but now he's consensually hated by pretty much everybody outside of South Beach so I'm still going to chalk up the victory to me.
Which brings us to why exactly LeBron is hated now. Like Louis XVI, James was given a raw deal from the start.
War-happy Louis XV basically bankrupted France and left the people poor and hungry. Then he tossed the reigns to Louis XVI and said, "Good luck, sucker!" Naturally, the most reasonable course was revolution and Louis XVI soon found himself without a head.
Was that necessarily his fault? Of course not. The people need to find somebody to hate when their lives suck and that person is usually the one who has it so much better than everybody else.
Enter LeBron James. James, the most talented basketball player, maybe ever, was sent to toil away in Cleveland for seven years with the likes of Damon Jones, Eric Snow, and some guy named Sasha Pavlovic. Sasha, for crying out loud!
Then having paid his dues and fulfilling his contract, and also realizing that it's impossible to win a championship by your own damn self when nobody else in the NBA is having to do it by their own damn selves, he's martyred for leaving for a new team.
Words like 'traitor' and 'coward' were thrown out there from people who were singing his praises just the night before the Decision.
Why haven't we heard reports out of Toronto of people burning Chris Bosh jerseys and calling him a coward? Because the people of Toronto know that he made the right decision!
Cleveland, you have been duped yet again. LeBron isn't the villain, it's the complete lack of intelligence on the part of ownership and management to not deliver help for James. The Cavaliers for the last seven years gave Lebron the reigns and said, "Good luck, sucker!"
Louis XVI wasn't the real villain of France, it was Louis XV! Yet, Louis XVI is the one who gets his head lopped off.
Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavs, did a marvelous job of what we call in the 'biz' of creating a smokescreen. He releases a letter (which contains one of the best temper tantrums I have ever seen) blasting James credibility and distracting us all from who is really to blame in this whole mess.
The result? Riots in the streets, the burning of jerseys, and a security threat to LeBron James.
Viva le resistance!
LeBron James recently captivated a nation--dare I say, the world--with his free agency Decision (ESPN's lawyers will crucify me if I don't capitalize that word) to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh with the Miami Heat.
So the jerk proved me wrong but now he's consensually hated by pretty much everybody outside of South Beach so I'm still going to chalk up the victory to me.
Which brings us to why exactly LeBron is hated now. Like Louis XVI, James was given a raw deal from the start.
War-happy Louis XV basically bankrupted France and left the people poor and hungry. Then he tossed the reigns to Louis XVI and said, "Good luck, sucker!" Naturally, the most reasonable course was revolution and Louis XVI soon found himself without a head.
Was that necessarily his fault? Of course not. The people need to find somebody to hate when their lives suck and that person is usually the one who has it so much better than everybody else.
Enter LeBron James. James, the most talented basketball player, maybe ever, was sent to toil away in Cleveland for seven years with the likes of Damon Jones, Eric Snow, and some guy named Sasha Pavlovic. Sasha, for crying out loud!
Then having paid his dues and fulfilling his contract, and also realizing that it's impossible to win a championship by your own damn self when nobody else in the NBA is having to do it by their own damn selves, he's martyred for leaving for a new team.
Words like 'traitor' and 'coward' were thrown out there from people who were singing his praises just the night before the Decision.
Why haven't we heard reports out of Toronto of people burning Chris Bosh jerseys and calling him a coward? Because the people of Toronto know that he made the right decision!
Cleveland, you have been duped yet again. LeBron isn't the villain, it's the complete lack of intelligence on the part of ownership and management to not deliver help for James. The Cavaliers for the last seven years gave Lebron the reigns and said, "Good luck, sucker!"
Louis XVI wasn't the real villain of France, it was Louis XV! Yet, Louis XVI is the one who gets his head lopped off.
Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cavs, did a marvelous job of what we call in the 'biz' of creating a smokescreen. He releases a letter (which contains one of the best temper tantrums I have ever seen) blasting James credibility and distracting us all from who is really to blame in this whole mess.
The result? Riots in the streets, the burning of jerseys, and a security threat to LeBron James.
Viva le resistance!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Brongasm
NBA superstar LeBron James will announce tomorrow night where he's going to sign his much anticipated contract decision.
James will announce his decision during a live one-hour television event that's sure to be right up there in people's memories with the JFK assassination and 9/11.
The event will be followed by a live one-hour press conference from the team that signs him to announce that part of the deal was to rename themselves the LeBron Jameses and that everybody in the city has to wear a headband at all times.
Let me shine a little light on you people here. He's staying in Cleveland. He'll get up there and talk about how it's his "hometown" and he could never imagine playing against them and blah, blah, blah.
The fact of the matter is, that he really doesn't have any proven options other than Cleveland. What, he's going to go join Amar'e in New York? Or start over again in New Jersey? Those teams are at least four years away from being viable in playoff talk--let alone win a championship.
So they're out.
Now that Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade are teaming up in Miami, the Chicago Bulls would have to bank on their B-grade guys (Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah) to lure Bron, so they're out.
So that leaves Miami as the only team outside of Ohio with a shot at the self-proclaimed King.
The guy, who feels it necessary to stop the world with a one-hour televised event to announce his decision, is going to leave what is his team to go join Wade's? Never, ever, ever going to happen.
Miami is always going to be Wade's team, with people around him, even if one of them was the stature of LeBron James.
All in all, nothing really happened this summer. The biggest names stayed in their cities and Los Angeles still has the best team.
But, hey, I could be wrong.*
*Necessary disclaimer by author for when proven wrong.
Feel free to comment on where you think Bron is going to go or any thoughts you have on the NBA in general.
James will announce his decision during a live one-hour television event that's sure to be right up there in people's memories with the JFK assassination and 9/11.
The event will be followed by a live one-hour press conference from the team that signs him to announce that part of the deal was to rename themselves the LeBron Jameses and that everybody in the city has to wear a headband at all times.
Let me shine a little light on you people here. He's staying in Cleveland. He'll get up there and talk about how it's his "hometown" and he could never imagine playing against them and blah, blah, blah.
The fact of the matter is, that he really doesn't have any proven options other than Cleveland. What, he's going to go join Amar'e in New York? Or start over again in New Jersey? Those teams are at least four years away from being viable in playoff talk--let alone win a championship.
So they're out.
Now that Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade are teaming up in Miami, the Chicago Bulls would have to bank on their B-grade guys (Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah) to lure Bron, so they're out.
So that leaves Miami as the only team outside of Ohio with a shot at the self-proclaimed King.
The guy, who feels it necessary to stop the world with a one-hour televised event to announce his decision, is going to leave what is his team to go join Wade's? Never, ever, ever going to happen.
Miami is always going to be Wade's team, with people around him, even if one of them was the stature of LeBron James.
All in all, nothing really happened this summer. The biggest names stayed in their cities and Los Angeles still has the best team.
But, hey, I could be wrong.*
*Necessary disclaimer by author for when proven wrong.
Feel free to comment on where you think Bron is going to go or any thoughts you have on the NBA in general.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Gorge-fest 2010!
Happy Fourth, everyone, and that means that another Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest happened today.
American Joey Chestnut choked down 54 dogs in the ten minutes allotted to take home the championship and a coveted four-peat.
And what would be a hot dog eating contest without the drama? Takeru Kobayashi, the man who dominated the event for six years prior to Chestnut's run did not compete today.
Why? He hasn't signed a contract with Major League Eating and was not eligible to compete.
This prompted Chestnut, in a post-eat interview, to revoke Kobayashi's man-card and say, "If he was a real man, he would have been up here."
Ouch. Somebody get some Pepto for that buuuuuurn.
American Joey Chestnut choked down 54 dogs in the ten minutes allotted to take home the championship and a coveted four-peat.
And what would be a hot dog eating contest without the drama? Takeru Kobayashi, the man who dominated the event for six years prior to Chestnut's run did not compete today.
Why? He hasn't signed a contract with Major League Eating and was not eligible to compete.
This prompted Chestnut, in a post-eat interview, to revoke Kobayashi's man-card and say, "If he was a real man, he would have been up here."
Ouch. Somebody get some Pepto for that buuuuuurn.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Fantasy Football Name Game
Ok, kiddies, let's get this blog off the ground with some distasteful comedy.
Everyone knows that a huge part of Fantasy Football season is outwitting your friends with a clever name. If you're the type of guy who normally goes the route of "Steve's Team" or "The Best Team Ever", then you desperately need my help.
Behold, ten team names that should be good to get a rise (or maybe a groan) out of your competition:
1. McNair's Shotgun Offense
2. The Chris Henry Pickups
3. Flacco Seagulls
4. Steeler's Colon Tear
5. Big Ben Strikes Again
6. Pacman Jones and the Temple of Multiple Felonies
7. The Romosexuals
8. Mark's Dirty Sanchez
9. Mangini in a Bottle
10. Vick's Hush Puppies
Those should tide you over as we approach the start of the season, but if you have any comments or team names of your own, please feel free to comment.
Everyone knows that a huge part of Fantasy Football season is outwitting your friends with a clever name. If you're the type of guy who normally goes the route of "Steve's Team" or "The Best Team Ever", then you desperately need my help.
Behold, ten team names that should be good to get a rise (or maybe a groan) out of your competition:
1. McNair's Shotgun Offense
2. The Chris Henry Pickups
3. Flacco Seagulls
4. Steeler's Colon Tear
5. Big Ben Strikes Again
6. Pacman Jones and the Temple of Multiple Felonies
7. The Romosexuals
8. Mark's Dirty Sanchez
9. Mangini in a Bottle
10. Vick's Hush Puppies
Those should tide you over as we approach the start of the season, but if you have any comments or team names of your own, please feel free to comment.
In The Beginning...
...a man created a sports blog because he had a lot of important and brilliant things to say.
Also, the chicks really dig him.
Welcome to the Studly Pastures where there is always a plethora of discussions going on about all things sports.
It's such a broad topic that I'm pretty sure I'll never run out of things to talk about.
Uh, that's it.
Also, the chicks really dig him.
Welcome to the Studly Pastures where there is always a plethora of discussions going on about all things sports.
It's such a broad topic that I'm pretty sure I'll never run out of things to talk about.
Uh, that's it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)