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Friday, August 31, 2012

The Quietest Week

The silence is deafening.  And I have others.

By others, I mean oxymorons that drive me absolutely nuts.  The silence is deafening?  Screw you.

I hate the people that try to be profound when they eat applesauce through a straw in the gap in their teeth.  It's so uncouth.  I don't use big words often but when I do it's to enact natural selection and hope that most of the world will leave me alone.

This is the quietest week in sports because you learn so much.  If you like baseball, you find out if your team has the chops to make the post-season.  True, the season doesn't technically end until next month but if you study the sport, you know.  You know.

Football fans will welcome this week as the opener.  It's Week One.  Everybody has a chance.  Unless of course your favorite team rhymes with Flyami Flophins.  Then you're screwed.  You're gonna have a bad time.

I was surprised to hear today that Andy Roddick is announcing his retirement from competitive tennis after this U.S. Open.  I was surprised because the last relevant thing that Roddick did was marry Brooklyn Decker, a supermodel.  I feel bad for Roddick, but not really.  After Sampras and Agassi retired, America was all "OH MY GOD WHO WILL WIN AT TENNIS!?!?!"  and Roddick came along and America was all "OH THIS GUY WILL! GO USA!"  But he didn't.  Sure, Roddick won some things but he was never dominant.  And right when Roddick should have come into his own, the unholy trinity of tennis greatness came into being.  Nowadays, you can't mention men's tennis without uttering either Federer, Nadal, or Djokovic.  Sign of the times.

2012 is definitely the apocalypse: Roger Clemens is not in prison and might pitch for the Astros later this week.  I am so thankful that I am not an Astros fan.  That has to be so goddamn embarrassing trotting his 50-year old ass out there for strictly a publicity stunt.  Why?  Why?  For God sakes, why?  So what if he resets his HOF timer for another five years?  Is there going to be a sports reporter on this planet that doesn't associate him with cheating?  You're done, old man.  Give it a rest.

You know what else happened today?  Boise State lost a game.  That is notable because it has only happened twice in the last four years.  They lost to Michigan State, which, who can blame them?  Their coach looks like he drinks innocent baby blood for sustenance.  There's probably a lawsuit in that last sentence and it's probably a good thing that I could care less.

The Rays lost tonight on a play at the plate.  They are no longer in the Wild Card lead and the hated Yankees are fighting the Orioles.  With that said, I'm a Dolphins fan.  If you don't hear from me for a couple of months, you know why.  College basketball doesn't start until late October...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Transcending

You know what separates something great from something not great?

Repetition.

You do something enough and it becomes the new standard.

Even if you have the balls to do something original, what do the people want?  For you to do it again.

And even if you do something shitty, trust me, do it enough times and it becomes 'your thing'.  You'll be famous for it.  It's how people will know you.  Just ask a serial killer.

Derek Jeter is 1,000 hits shy of reaching the all-time hits record.  Even though I have vowed to never approve of anything Yankee related I have still, for some god-forsaken reason, felt this way: "Eh, I've always liked Jeter."  I like the guy.  Still, it is completely unreasonable for me to believe that he will touch the all-time hits record.  It's one of those records in baseball that took a real psycho to achieve.  Pete Rose is a sanctified piece of whacko and Derek Jeter seems like a nice guy.  You lose, Jeter.

I am a normal human being.  I get stopped in my tracks when I see breaking news on ESPN.  My eyes widen, I start drooling, and my ethereal tail starts wagging.  Then I see that Augusta has admitted two women to their club.  Really ESPN?  We all know that Augusta lives in a bubble that is forty years prior to our own.  Why should the reasonable, present-day public care that some bigots FINALLY decided that "okay, I guess we can allow TWO" should ever, ever be breaking news?  The Masters is only the The Masters because...they named it the Masters!  I wish I could hold a 'I'm fucking crazy contest' and pronounce myself the unanimous winner every year like they do!

Apparently the car racers are reaching their climax of the year.  I've always appreciated the way they do it too, as if it's New Year's Eve and we're counting down the races until the apple drops!  I immediately take that back.  This is not a NASCAR friendly blog.  I don't get it.  I won't ever get it.  And if you passionately care about it don't waste your enthusiasm on trying to get me to get it.  It won't happen and I would hate to dissuade you from something you care about so much.  The Chase?  Are you kidding me?  Is that preceded by The Flirt and followed with The Divorce?  For Christ-Bud-Heavy-Drinking-Sakes...

I wish I could get jacked for college football like some people do.  Unfortunately for me I cheer for a school that I actually went to.

Whoever the guy was that calculated that Mark Trumbo leads the MLB in home run distance needs to come and join the Studly Pastures.  I need that kind of statistical bullshit to make myself feel good too.

The EPL has started again and I'm not too concerned with that abbreviation because the only people who won't know what that stands for have already been alienated by my NASCAR hate paragraph.  I like the EPL but it's very similar to the NBA and that makes my blood boil.  Each year, the good get better, and the bad go and battle it out in a gladiator-like scenario.  Seriously though, the EPL and the NBA would be the same thing if we regulated the Wizards and the Warriors to the D-League last year.

Alright kids, I've depressed myself.  Enjoy.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The Things We Miss

Dearest children of the ever expanding Internet,

I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

It's my solemn duty in life to make sure that you all grow up understanding the joke and I feel like I might be letting some of you down.  I was naive enough to think that I could go once or twice a month with imparting you with my words of wisdom but apparently that's just not gonna cut it anymore.

Well, I apologize, I really do.  I vow to step it up.

In less than 51 hours it will be the annual celebration of surviving another 365 days and the annual countdown to death for me, so forgive me if I am flooded with several strange emotions and thoughts.  I don't handle mortality well and I'm working on a cure.

It's just too damn tricky with all the scientists tied up working on various ways to create bacon flavored objects.

So, instead of using this space to lament my time here spent on Earth, I figured I might as well give you some sports musings.  At least this way you'll be entertained and I'll be distracted and then maybe one day I'll whore out enough to make a profit.  Too droll?  Eh, screw it.

Watching today's linebackers in the NFL makes me really miss Zach Thomas.  What an under-appreciated, over-achieving sonuvabitch he was.  His career was cut short to concussion trouble and his solution is to donate his brain to science when he dies so scientists can break away from the bacon stuff and find a solution to all the brain trauma NFL players are going through.

Speaking of retired players that I really miss: Daunte Culpepper.  I bought a Dolphins Culpepper jersey online a few years back.  I paid for the large youth size because I have the body of a thirteen year old girl.  The shipping cost more than the actual jersey.  I rocked that thing to sports bars for years until this past year it bit the dust in the dryer.  R.I.P. Culpepper jersey.  Maybe I'll upgrade and get a Jay Fiedler jersey this year.

4/5 of sports analysts were wash-outs in their respective sport...why should we care what they have to say?  I think we should have a complete changing of guard in who we listen to when it comes to sports.  Dolphin fans don't want to hear Tim Hasselbeck or Herm Edwards telling us the Dolphins suck, they want to hear people like me that go into depression when they lose.  Would you rather listen to a guy getting an undeserved paycheck or a guy that will honestly tell you like it is?

Things that seem like coincidences but aren't: The New York Jets are the only team so far this preseason to not score an offensive touchdown.  This isn't a coincidence because they hired Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator and they have Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow as their quarterbacks.  Together they form the unholy trinity of attempting field goals.  When Sparano was head coach of the Dolphins, our MVP was our punter.  Pair him with two guys that have a better chance of being day-shift managers at a gift shop in a hospital and you're not going to have a good time.

I guarantee that the Miami Dolphins will score more points than the New York Jets but lose more games.  Sometimes it sucks living in the Twilight Zone.

This preseason Andrew Luck has done nothing to dissuade me from the fact that he is the next psychotic robot quarterback of the NFL.  He'll be Rookie of the Year and will start racking up MVP's as soon as four years from now.  It really is disgusting.

My final musings tonight, after two weeks into the preseason?  My Super Bowl prediction.

From the NFC, I like the New Orleans Saints.  This is a team that embraces the "fuck everyone else, we're going to rally together and we'll show them!"  Drew Brees will probably throw for 6,000 yards this year just to prove a point.  They're making the big show for sure.

From the AFC, which is a perennial crap-shoot between the New England Patriots and everyone else, I'm taking the Baltimore Ravens.  No, this isn't a ploy to make my girlfriend smile, it just seems like this team is on their last hurrah as a team that's been primarily together for a decade.  They rose up and embraced it before and I think they'll do it again.

Saints and Ravens.  There you have it.  By the way, if it turns out that I'm way, way off...it's because I'm hammered.

Love you guys.


Monday, August 13, 2012

The Chad Show

If you have ever glanced at this blog before you probably know that I love the Miami Dolphins.  A little too much.  It's pathetic, I know.  And I know that it's even more pathetic that I know it's pathetic and still do it.

I have unbridled loyalties into things for absolutely no reason.  It's my cast and my crutch.

The strange, twisted life I'm leading is nothing compared to some individuals in this world.  Some people decide to make their life a Truman Show, everything is scripted and broadcast on television.  When that fails to grab attention, for these attention grubbing whores, they introduce a little anarchy.

It's a circus.  A production put forth for entertainment value only.

As a relatively sane individual I can't live my life that way.

Chad Johnson can.

Johnson, maiden name Ochocinco, was recently arrested for head-butting his wife over a condom dispute.

Why condoms?  Why head-butt?  Why marry a reality television star?

Because RATINGS, baby!

Nobody would give two shits if Chad Johnson got in a petty argument with his wife over a disputed merchandise purchase.  But Mad Lib the shit out of that sentence and all of a sudden people are shitting their pants over Chad Johnson head-thrusting his bitch because she found some penis covers!!!!!!  BOOOOOYAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

So the Dolphins release him.  He's too big of a distraction and that's something we don't need on this impressionable team.

Admirable.  The Dolphins are making a bold statement.  They're saying that they don't care about ratings over morals.  They're gonna take the high road.

The ironic thing?  They probably should care about ratings considering they are the focus of a prime-time cable show right now that just lost their star actor--but I digress.

And before the smoke could clear of the firing of Chad Johnson, Karlos Dansby, a Miami linebacker, went on record to say that he was disappointed that the team didn't stand by their man.

Really?  The NFL really needs to advance their studies on the long-term effects of concussions because clearly Karlos Dansby is not using his thinking machine properly.

I'm all for team loyalty but if we have to extradite one person I'm putting the guy who head-butted his wife under the bus first.  I don't even have to think too hard about that one.  "Who should we cut guys?"  "How about the wife-beater, Coach?"  "Hmm, yeah, definitely the wife-beater."

Chad Johnson is a man who decided that his life was going to be a joke.  Most lives are jokes but his was broadcast on television, that's the difference.  He always told us though that the fine line between being funny and being a scumbag was not going to jail.  Oops.

I guess that line has been crossed.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Phelps is First

Michael Phelps, America's beloved swimming champion and poo-brained Subway marketer, now stands alone at the pinnacle of Olympic greatness.

Phelps, who already has the most gold medals in history, now has the most medals overall as well.  His performance in London 2012 hasn't been nearly as dominating as it was in Beijing 2008 but he is still in every medal conversation.

And speaking of conversations, there seems to be some debate about whether or not Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time or not.

And I'm not really sure why.  Where's the debate here?

He has the MOST medals of out anybody else in the entire history of the Olympics.  Seems pretty simple to me.  He's the greatest.  Like, for sure.  It's pretty definite.

Let me explain something here: in every sport there is something that is to be attained, some sort of goal.  Whether it's trophies, medals, ribbons, gift certificates to Denny's, bejeweled crowns, women, etc.  Whatever it is, when you have the most, you are the greatest!

Oh you beat me once or twice?  That's nice.  I have the MOST!

Michael Phelps is so good that they interviewed him after somebody else won a gold medal.  Not to mention that they interviewed him and he can't even speak!

In Beijing, he entered eight events and won every single one of them.  That's never been done before.

So, he's had a better individual performance at an Olympics than everybody else and now his career Olympics records is better than everybody else.

I never understood why everybody has a problem with trying to decide who is number one in a sport with such an expansive pool of competitors.  I get what you are saying.  It's impossible to determine which sport is more difficult than the other one.  It's also hard to compare athletes of twenty years ago with the athletes of today thanks to advances in technology and training.

But if you are going to focus on something at the Olympics, you focus on medals.  That's the measuring stick and last I checked Phelps was at the top.

And that number is still rising, by the way.  Literally as I type this, Phelps is winning more gold.