The Wa-Wa Cool-Cool

2007 was a weird time for me.  The Studly Pastures were just a twinkle in my eye, I was a junior in college, and the Miami Dolphins were mere months away from unveiling the 'wildcat' offense.  I sure hope that NFL Films locked away that footage.  It'd be a shame if those tapes were lost to the ages.

2007 is also the year that I adopted subtle sarcasm in my writing.

It was also the year that I started stretching the use of the word 'subtle'.

2007 was also the last year that the Tampa Bay Rays were a bad team.  I've been around since the start and they used to stink, like bad.  We threw a party when we came in fourth place for the first time in our history and that's not even supposed to be a joke but it sounds pathetic when I actually write the words.  2008 saw our first postseason berth and the dream lasted all the way to the promised lands--the world series.  2008 just so happened to be the same year that Cole Hamels traded his soul and forsake everything holy for a World Series title.  I hate Cole Hamels but that's not the point of this post.

Just a mere seven short years later, it appears our time in the sun is over, and the Tampa Bay Rays are once again bad.  Cue Rob Schneider, "Oh no, we suck again!"

The Rays manager, Joe Maddon, is probably a crazy person who just so happens to coach baseball but he's my kind of crazy so I dig what he's throwing out there.  He's been setting up a table full of different kinds of cologne lately because we've been 'stinking' so bad.

I'm not kidding.  Sex Panther made an appearance too.

For the last seven years, the Tampa Bay Rays have been my "I don't have a problem" excuse.  Everything else that I follow has been a colossal failure and a huge blemish on my otherwise pristine social standing but they've always been able to say, "Yeah, but he's a Rays fan."  Boom.  Forgiven.

And now the underdog has finally gone under and it's a sad, sad time to know me because I will not stop bitching about it.  All kidding aside, will my heart strings retain their elasticity after all this wear and tear?


But you don't have to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, this time of year.  You can like horse racing and be one of those gullible jerks that fall for the triple crown threat every year.

Look people, there hasn't been a triple crown winner since 1978.  1978!  That's the year that Kobe Bryant was born and he was born in late August so he's never seen a triple crown winner either so make sure you point that out to him when you see him.  2007 is also the last year that Kobe Bryant was the NBA scoring champion.

California Chrome is the 13th horse since Affirmed to win the first two legs of the triple crown...and I'm picking him to finish it.  The thirteenth horse?  Come on, this streak needs a little reverse luck, doesn't it?  June 7th, look out, California Chrome will complete the triple crown and simultaneously be delicious.  (And that's a Great Depression joke.)  Horse meat is a bit tough though and you might need something like Sprite (Kobe) to wash it down with.

And the PETA calls started...now...


Last night I stubbed my left pinkie toe on the side of my bed and I'm not ashamed today to admit that it hurts terribly.  My dog, sensing that I'm injured, came over to lick the wound and the contact hurt even more.  Either it's broken or I'm a huge baby.  Huge baby status aside, I'm still willing to walk without the aid of a cane or a hover-round.  Which, by the way, who are they kidding with those advertisements?  The first place I'm going if I'm suddenly mobile is not the Grand Canyon.  I'm getting more pudding.

The point of the toe story is do you sacrifice something for the greater good?  If you're injured, and severing something will relieve that, at what point do you make that decision?  In other words, kids, how long will David Price be a Ray and how long will I keep my left pinkie toe.  These are great questions that need further pondering.  I'll be in my pondering machine.

Float on, graceful swans.

The Kansas City Shuffle

Well kids, it's November, the red-headed step-child of the calendar year.

Nobody cares about November.  One minute it's Halloween and the next everybody's eyes glaze over and all they care about is Christmas.

Local drug stores replace their candy with decorative balls and garland.  By the way, if you just laughed at the whole 'decorative balls' thing, you are my target audience and I thank you for reading.

But why are we so quick to overlook Thanksgiving?  Or as I like to call it, "Fat Person Christmas."

Granted, Thanksgiving is a holiday that originated under false pretenses that ended in eventual slaughter but all "holidays" are like that.  There's still an Arbor Day while the History Channel airs programs about the logging industry.  And who needs trees, right?

Nobody actually cares about Thanksgiving because of the pilgrims and Indians and all that crap.  In twenty years the Mayflower will be just a brand of seasoning salt instead of a ship.  People care about turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, and deviled eggs.  I mean that's going to be my menu this year.

And this is no attempt to chastise America for becoming so commercial that we have forsaken what truly matters and that we shouldn't overlook Thanksgiving because we should really be giving thanks.  I'm just as jaded as the rest of you.  I'm a big proponent of my girlfriend waking up really early the day after Thanksgiving and going to buy a sweet flat-screen HDTV.  I buy into the system.  The system works.  The system is good.

But hey, I have a soul too.  I get it.  I understand the overall demeanor of the holiday season.  That's why when the Boy Scouts put a plastic bag on my door handle I will give them all the non-perishable goods that will fit in that tiny satchel.  It helps the needy and it pays my blood oath.  And this year I'm making a pledge to not fill it with all the nastiest soups I can find.  You're welcome, homeless people.

By the way, don't give them soup.  It's like rewarding an employee with a gift card to where they work.  They have it all the time.

Sheesh, this has really taken a turn for the worse.  Maybe we should get to the sports then?

Screw Andrew Luck.  A year ago I was ranting and raving about how he should take his can't miss talents to Miami and now I'm just a bitter old crone wishing he was playing for us.  I don't hate Tannehill, he's a good little Fuzzby, but when Furby waxed the Miami Dolphins poetically this past Sunday I couldn't help but feel that this is exactly what happens in the Twilight Zone.

At least I'm not a Lakers fan.  Watching the collective sports media shit their pants over how poorly the Lakers, a consensus Super Team, have started the season makes me smile.  It's Deja Vu all over again.  People, the Miami Heat went through the same growing pains.  Basketball is not a plug and go sport.  You need time to gel.  When the Holy Trinity of the Miami Heat started 0-2, everybody lost their minds.  Now they are the defending champions.  Relax, Los Angeles, you're still super awesome and stuff.

Alright then, it's time to get personal.  I generally have a big problem with most of the sports writers of America but if David Price doesn't win the AL Cy Young next week you can consider our differences irreconcilable.  Stop looking at just numbers and look at the overall package.  And if you just laughed at  "overall package", we're destined to be together.

Price pitched for one of the worst offensive teams in the league and managed to maintain one of the lowest ERA's in the league and highest win count.  In most of his losses and no decisions it was usually a one-run game.  Let's also mention how dominant he was for a team that was pressing through the stretch.  Back when I was calculating scenarios about how the Rays could make the post-season, I always gave David Price a win--and I was right.  He takes the Cy Young or the whole thing is irrelevant.

Alright kids, I'm out.  I'll be back before Turkey Day but just in case I slip into a coma, have a happy and joyous Fat Person Christmas!

The Battle For LA

Good for you, Vanessa.

You finally stood up for yourself and said, "Enough is enough!" I'm out of here.

There's only so many multi-million dollar diamonds in the world that can buy your loyalty, and I applaud you for that.

Granted, what Kobe did in Denver several years ago invoked the necessity for multi-million dollar diamonds, and priceless news conferences (get some Chap-stick Kobe), but this was different, wasn't it?

This was too close to home. This was simply "I'm too bored because of this damn lock-out and need something to grab my attention." How dare the man!

Vanessa bolted...and I can't blame her. The Lakers are in complete disarray.

What, you thought I was going all Doctor Phil on you?

Lamar Odom is gone, the Zen Master is gone, Chris Paul plays in the stadium (but he's wearing blue and red), and now Kobe is physically and intimately alone. That should work well for the biggest ego in basketball.

So much for high and mighty for the greatest franchise in NBA history, you don't have the TIME for high and mighty. You need help now!

Everybody outside of Kobe knows that Kobe is in the twilight of his career. You have two years, maximum, of the Icy Killer that is Kobe. That means no more of, "He's definitely making this shot" or "We're down by two in the waning seconds, but we have Kobe".

Side Note: How sad is that? I'm not even close to a Lakers' fan but the fact that I will live and see Kobe Bryant not play basketball is very upsetting to me. He was my Jordan.

So the divorce thing affected Michael in a big way. His happened after his playing career but then he went out and became owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. Michael Jordan forgets more about the National Basketball Association by the day than I will ever know, yet, I know not to buy the Bobcats. They suck.

He was divorce-blind though. That's why the greatest basketball player ever bought a professional team in North Carolina. It has nothing to do with roots.

So, with a divorce-blind Kobe, and a rag-tag team of starters, the Lakers are simply screwed. Do you remember when Shaq left and Kobe had that 80 point game but the Lakers were still terrible? Yeah, it's like that but no 80 point game is coming.

At this point, even if the Lakers manage to wrangle Dwight Howard away from the Magic, they would be even more screwed. The Lakers would almost certainly have to give away key pieces of their line-up, as well as potential future draft picks, to get the best big man in the game. That buys them some time, but like I said, two years MAXIMUM!

Then you have no Kobe, Dwight bolts again, and you start starting Clipper-rejects.

Side note: Pairing Blake Griffin with Chris Paul was a total Laker move, about six years ago. What the hell happened? Are my kids going to grow up hating the Clippers and rooting for the Lakers? Bizarro world?

The man at the helm now is Mike Brown, the guy from Cleveland that couldn't get LeBron a championship. Now he's in LA, replacing Phil Jackson, inheriting a rapidly aging Kobe, and a fan base that simply wants to win. That's the recipe for dynamite and I simply can't wait. Blow it up!