Kids! Faceless entities! And, also enemies!
We're back!
As much fun as I was having enjoying retirement there was just this constant nagging to return to shoveling pound after pound of unicorn shit. They were right, work is never work if you love what you do.
I'm just kidding. The powers that be called up and said I had to come back. They said something along the lines of, "If they brought back MacGyver, Full House, 90210, Heroes, Dynasty, Hawaii Five-O, Roseanne, Magnum P.I., Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Supermarket Sweep, and now Dexter...then we're gonna roll the dice on you too."
And I really get it, because, coming up with an original thought these days is super hard. We're better off taking someone else's idea and running with that because it is waaaaay, way easier. But we can't just say we took that person's thing and are now making it our thing, that will never float with the general public. They're still pretty staunch on their stance on stealing, even after all these years. (Alliteration bonus points?) But if we give it a fancy title...hmmm...now we might be onto something. I've got it! We'll call it a reboot! We can do it to movies too! It'll be great, we'll make the same thing twice at two different intervals in time, and these idiots will eat it up because it's nostalgic and new at the same time! Even though they can just go back and watch the thing they fell in love with in the first place, they won't! This is new! This has Will Smith in it!
Well. Sorry to disappoint. This is not a reboot.
It's the same. It's always the same. If someone else came up with a sports blog centered around a unicorn stud farm then that is just a really gigantic coincidence.
And I know what you're thinking. "Wait a minute, he's been gone for longer amounts of time BEFORE he actually announced a retirement than he has AFTER he announced a retirement. What a jerk."
What can I say? I'm precocious?
Ah, to Hell with it. I don't know where the train is headed either, just sit back and enjoy the ride. Come on, join the joyride. Be a joyrider.
So let's begin our grand return with the grand return of something I love very deeply that hasn't happened since 2008. Kids, the Tampa Bay Rays are back, where they belong, in the World Series.
Shall we?
Back in 2008, I was simply blindsided. You see, and I've mentioned several times in the ten damn years we've been doing this shit, that before 2008 the Rays were absolute dog shit. Then Maddon came, and Longoria, and Price, and then we crawled out of the darkness and got ourselves a nice tan on our pasty whites. But we crawled too far and found ourselves out on the big stage against the Phucking Phillies. We were young, naive, and dare I say...precocious? We didn't realize at the time that some scum bag that probably hates Betty White, a one Cole Hamels, sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for a title.
By the way, kids, before I continue, quick update on Cole. He's doing great, actually. He's really coming into his own as one of those human advertisements on the side of the road. His sign flipping is something to see! Supercuts has never been busier, so congrats, Cole. You've made it.
Bitch.
Anyhoo, since 2008, all three of my aforementioned favorite Rays have since dearly departed. Don't misunderstand me, they're still alive, they're just dead to me. Yet somehow, the Rays have dabbled, dipped their toes in, and sampled...success. They've been in the conversation for the majority of the last twelve years buuuuuut we have yet to close the deal even though we've been really charming and doing everything right and not rushing right to the bedroom. It's really quite a shame.
Then 2020 came around and literally everything became a waking nightmare. I wasn't even sure we would have baseball in the first place. But then we did...and we ended up in first place.
Then we beat the Canadians. Then we beat the Yankees. Then we beat the Asstros. Still not a typo.
Now, here come the artful Dodgers, and everything is going according to plan. You see, I wanted all of these teams. All of them. I mean, Canada just kinda tagged along, but I wanted New York, I wanted Houston, and I want Los Angeles.
Why? Trust me, I didn't develop a death complex in the last three months, I just knew we could beat them. And we did. This is it. This is what I prophesized when we were having that whole discussion about splitting custody between St. Pete and Montreal. I said go for broke, win the whole damn thing, give them all the finger, and then blow it all up.
Do you know who the Rays are right now? They're playing with house money. We're not the same virgin nerds from 2008 that you remember. We're now chain-smoking, leather jacket wearing badasses, that come with complete reckless abandon! Sure, we're still virgins, but we've seen some tits and even felt a few, goddammit! Still counts!
I can't imagine how much pressure the Dodgers are feeling today. If Kershaw stays true to form and comes out and absolutely shits the postseason bed, then holy shit, things are gonna get weird.
I'm not going to give a prediction on who I think will win. I will simply hope for the best.
But I will say, I feel a lot different today, than I did in 2008.
Get back to floating, graceful swans, and let's go Rays!
