We've reached that time of year again, kiddos, where I start getting excited because football games are starting to really matter.
Of course they all MATTER but now we're starting to separate the cream from whatever else is in the same mixture as cream...the goop I guess. Is it goop? Goop has to be something because I know it's a word.
Anyways, I think this would be as good as a time as any to check in on my progress and see how I'm doing in my annual NFL picks that I did in The Grand Return...and OH MY GOD I PICKED HOUSTON TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL!
Houston what in the hell happened to you?! Did Matt Schaub age ten years in some horrible science experiment gone wrong? He got benched for a guy named Case. His name is Case, you know, the thing you put stuff in? Where's my reading glasses? They're in the case, for crying out loud. Things are so bad down there in Houston that Gary Kubiak suffered a warning stroke when his team had a lead in a game! Which, by the way, scares the ever-loving crap out of me because apparently the warning for a stroke is a stroke. Screw you, human body.
At least Seattle is doing really well. I can stand behind that pick like I did the Ravens last year. Houston is going all New Orleans 2012 on me. So do I break even?
Alright, let me wash myself clean of that epic bed crapping and make some fresh marks for some Thanksgiving 2013 picks! Speaking of Marks and Thanksgiving, today is actually the one year anniversary of the all-time worst play in NFL history, the Butt Fumble. Mark Sanchez is a pretty good sport about it though and actually gave me extra sprinkles on my sundae at Dairy Queen last week. He's finally found his calling.
On to the picks!
PACKERS at LIONS: Hmm the opener is a divisional game in a division that's wide open for anybody not in the city of Minnesota...I'm intrigued. I might have to turn off the Westminster Dog Show off a little early for this one. Hopefully Aaron Rodgers returns to the field for this game or obviously the luster is a little less than perfect but quite honestly I think the edge is still slightly with the home team. They have Calvin Johnson, nicknamed Megatron, but he might really be a robot...in disguise. The man is a beast and will not be stopped by anything short of a mugging and even then you better have a gun. I think we're in store for a shoot-out with an early decision to kick a field goal being the difference maker. DETROIT over GREEN BAY 31-28.
RAIDERS at COWBOYS: And time to go back and watch the dog show. I'm kidding, but seriously, Oakland still fields a professional team? They haven't been relegated to the Arena League yet? Here's what I think: it's Thanksgiving, the Cowboys have home-field advantage, and the Raiders don't have Bo Jackson anymore. Yet the 'Boys are quite the enigma, aren't they? They always drop a few clunkers and head-scratchers every few weeks or so. I don't blame Tony Romo though because that defense has not looked good with Monte Kiffin at the helm. I think Ol' Kiff should walk away after this year and go find a cocoon somewhere. DALLAS over OAKLAND 35-17.
STEELERS at RAVENS: Boy this game looked compelling at the beginning of the year but now you can go ahead and blame it on the Tryptophan and nod off a little early. Watching Big Ben carry around all that dead-weight makes me tired anyways. Baltimore is projectedly bad but not as bad as Pittsburgh because they have at least more than one guy who hasn't entirely given up. Defense reigns supreme in this one and the birds take it. BALTIMORE over PITTSBURGH 17-9.
Makes you not even want to watch now, right? Eh, I'll still tune in. Gives me something to do. Miami still prefers to take their craps in the Obscurity Toilet, I've been on the David Price Trade Watch for about two weeks now, and my fantasy football team is hanging on by a short and curly. Only UCF is making me proud now to set me up for the total annihilation they will receive in whatever BCS bowl they get. Happy thoughts, right?
Kids, enjoy your parade, enjoy your dog show, enjoy your football games, and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Showing posts with label Mark Sanchez. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark Sanchez. Show all posts
Friday, November 22, 2013
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Things We Miss
Dearest children of the ever expanding Internet,
I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
It's my solemn duty in life to make sure that you all grow up understanding the joke and I feel like I might be letting some of you down. I was naive enough to think that I could go once or twice a month with imparting you with my words of wisdom but apparently that's just not gonna cut it anymore.
Well, I apologize, I really do. I vow to step it up.
In less than 51 hours it will be the annual celebration of surviving another 365 days and the annual countdown to death for me, so forgive me if I am flooded with several strange emotions and thoughts. I don't handle mortality well and I'm working on a cure.
It's just too damn tricky with all the scientists tied up working on various ways to create bacon flavored objects.
So, instead of using this space to lament my time here spent on Earth, I figured I might as well give you some sports musings. At least this way you'll be entertained and I'll be distracted and then maybe one day I'll whore out enough to make a profit. Too droll? Eh, screw it.
Watching today's linebackers in the NFL makes me really miss Zach Thomas. What an under-appreciated, over-achieving sonuvabitch he was. His career was cut short to concussion trouble and his solution is to donate his brain to science when he dies so scientists can break away from the bacon stuff and find a solution to all the brain trauma NFL players are going through.
Speaking of retired players that I really miss: Daunte Culpepper. I bought a Dolphins Culpepper jersey online a few years back. I paid for the large youth size because I have the body of a thirteen year old girl. The shipping cost more than the actual jersey. I rocked that thing to sports bars for years until this past year it bit the dust in the dryer. R.I.P. Culpepper jersey. Maybe I'll upgrade and get a Jay Fiedler jersey this year.
4/5 of sports analysts were wash-outs in their respective sport...why should we care what they have to say? I think we should have a complete changing of guard in who we listen to when it comes to sports. Dolphin fans don't want to hear Tim Hasselbeck or Herm Edwards telling us the Dolphins suck, they want to hear people like me that go into depression when they lose. Would you rather listen to a guy getting an undeserved paycheck or a guy that will honestly tell you like it is?
Things that seem like coincidences but aren't: The New York Jets are the only team so far this preseason to not score an offensive touchdown. This isn't a coincidence because they hired Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator and they have Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow as their quarterbacks. Together they form the unholy trinity of attempting field goals. When Sparano was head coach of the Dolphins, our MVP was our punter. Pair him with two guys that have a better chance of being day-shift managers at a gift shop in a hospital and you're not going to have a good time.
I guarantee that the Miami Dolphins will score more points than the New York Jets but lose more games. Sometimes it sucks living in the Twilight Zone.
This preseason Andrew Luck has done nothing to dissuade me from the fact that he is the next psychotic robot quarterback of the NFL. He'll be Rookie of the Year and will start racking up MVP's as soon as four years from now. It really is disgusting.
My final musings tonight, after two weeks into the preseason? My Super Bowl prediction.
From the NFC, I like the New Orleans Saints. This is a team that embraces the "fuck everyone else, we're going to rally together and we'll show them!" Drew Brees will probably throw for 6,000 yards this year just to prove a point. They're making the big show for sure.
From the AFC, which is a perennial crap-shoot between the New England Patriots and everyone else, I'm taking the Baltimore Ravens. No, this isn't a ploy to make my girlfriend smile, it just seems like this team is on their last hurrah as a team that's been primarily together for a decade. They rose up and embraced it before and I think they'll do it again.
Saints and Ravens. There you have it. By the way, if it turns out that I'm way, way off...it's because I'm hammered.
Love you guys.
I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
It's my solemn duty in life to make sure that you all grow up understanding the joke and I feel like I might be letting some of you down. I was naive enough to think that I could go once or twice a month with imparting you with my words of wisdom but apparently that's just not gonna cut it anymore.
Well, I apologize, I really do. I vow to step it up.
In less than 51 hours it will be the annual celebration of surviving another 365 days and the annual countdown to death for me, so forgive me if I am flooded with several strange emotions and thoughts. I don't handle mortality well and I'm working on a cure.
It's just too damn tricky with all the scientists tied up working on various ways to create bacon flavored objects.
So, instead of using this space to lament my time here spent on Earth, I figured I might as well give you some sports musings. At least this way you'll be entertained and I'll be distracted and then maybe one day I'll whore out enough to make a profit. Too droll? Eh, screw it.
Watching today's linebackers in the NFL makes me really miss Zach Thomas. What an under-appreciated, over-achieving sonuvabitch he was. His career was cut short to concussion trouble and his solution is to donate his brain to science when he dies so scientists can break away from the bacon stuff and find a solution to all the brain trauma NFL players are going through.
Speaking of retired players that I really miss: Daunte Culpepper. I bought a Dolphins Culpepper jersey online a few years back. I paid for the large youth size because I have the body of a thirteen year old girl. The shipping cost more than the actual jersey. I rocked that thing to sports bars for years until this past year it bit the dust in the dryer. R.I.P. Culpepper jersey. Maybe I'll upgrade and get a Jay Fiedler jersey this year.
4/5 of sports analysts were wash-outs in their respective sport...why should we care what they have to say? I think we should have a complete changing of guard in who we listen to when it comes to sports. Dolphin fans don't want to hear Tim Hasselbeck or Herm Edwards telling us the Dolphins suck, they want to hear people like me that go into depression when they lose. Would you rather listen to a guy getting an undeserved paycheck or a guy that will honestly tell you like it is?
Things that seem like coincidences but aren't: The New York Jets are the only team so far this preseason to not score an offensive touchdown. This isn't a coincidence because they hired Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator and they have Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow as their quarterbacks. Together they form the unholy trinity of attempting field goals. When Sparano was head coach of the Dolphins, our MVP was our punter. Pair him with two guys that have a better chance of being day-shift managers at a gift shop in a hospital and you're not going to have a good time.
I guarantee that the Miami Dolphins will score more points than the New York Jets but lose more games. Sometimes it sucks living in the Twilight Zone.
This preseason Andrew Luck has done nothing to dissuade me from the fact that he is the next psychotic robot quarterback of the NFL. He'll be Rookie of the Year and will start racking up MVP's as soon as four years from now. It really is disgusting.
My final musings tonight, after two weeks into the preseason? My Super Bowl prediction.
From the NFC, I like the New Orleans Saints. This is a team that embraces the "fuck everyone else, we're going to rally together and we'll show them!" Drew Brees will probably throw for 6,000 yards this year just to prove a point. They're making the big show for sure.
From the AFC, which is a perennial crap-shoot between the New England Patriots and everyone else, I'm taking the Baltimore Ravens. No, this isn't a ploy to make my girlfriend smile, it just seems like this team is on their last hurrah as a team that's been primarily together for a decade. They rose up and embraced it before and I think they'll do it again.
Saints and Ravens. There you have it. By the way, if it turns out that I'm way, way off...it's because I'm hammered.
Love you guys.
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