Sorry, I know I've been gone for a hot minute, I was busy making sure the damned unicorns didn't catch Covid. I spent months showering them down with special shampoo, making them eat out of food bags instead of troughs which takes way more time to do, and also sanitizing their hooves every time they leave the barn.
They let me do this for months until just the other day I caught them snickering and asked what was so funny and come to find out that unicorns are immune to all viruses and infectious diseases. Good one, you horned bastards. I revoked their internet time for a week, that will teach them.
What did I miss?
Oh. I see Tom Brady won another Super Bowl.
I could easily take the approach of how much I hate Tom Brady and how most of his Super Bowl rings are centered around some sort of cheating but I would be wasting my time. I told you all, long ago, that Bill Belichick was a Sith lord and he alone was responsible for the Patriots success...because he did it out of pure evil. Tom Brady was Belichick's Darth Vader. With him gone, there was no immediate apprentice, and the empire crumbles. For the first year, in about twenty, I didn't have to assume the Patriots were going to win the division. In fact, they only didn't finish last because the Jets shouldn't even play football. They're more of a lacrosse team. It's kind of like why all great classical music comes from Germans, you have to be evil to produce the absolute greatness. If that starts World War III, I apologize.
To be honest, this is the first year that I didn't hate Tom Brady. How could I hate him, you ask? He has chiseled good looks, married to a model, and has had nothing but great success in the NFL and maybe has earned him self the title of the best to do it ever.
That last sentence was from his publicist. I could never write that. I would vomit, and then vomit again, upon seeing and smelling the vomit. It's a terrible cycle.
I hated Tom Brady because in the first year he took over because Drew Bledsoe got hit so hard he had a ruptured spleen. A ruptured spleen spawned the birth of Darth Vader of the New England area. The Patriots lost that game by a huge margin and that only stirred the hate in Palpatine. They made it all the way to the Super Bowl that year and, as underdogs, beat the Greatest Show On Turf, the at the time, St.Louis Rams.
It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyways, that Dan Marino is the greatest quarterback of all time. He never won a Super Bowl, in his last game he lost 63-7, to the fucking Jacksonville Jaguars, and still, I think he's the best.
And, in his first year, because of a ruptured spleen, Tom Brady has a ring.
What the fuck does the spleen even do? Do we need it? Why would that sideline a professional athlete?
A goddamn spleen. That's how we got Tom Brady.
And I immediately hated him for a few reasons. One, he's already accomplished the highest goal in football, which my idol never did, and he played for the Patriots. Kids, keep in mind, this was 2001 when the Patriots won the Super Bowl for the first time. Before that? They were an absolute joke. Again, think of the Jets of today and you get the Patriots before this. It was a dumpster fire from bad grease removal, and they kept throwing water on it instead of flour because what the Hell do they know about grease fires?
The Patriots were never supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to have this much success. I believe that Bill Belichick used his time as a horrible coach in Cleveland to figure out the secrets of how to win, unlawfully, in the NFL. The guy came from Bill Parcells, come on! If you are so star-spangled brilliant then why cheat your way to the top?
So Tom, Darth Vader, becomes the bane of my existence the next twenty years or so, and then jumps ship to Tampa Bay.
And I was immediately happier for two reasons: one, he left the evil empire, and two, I don't give a flying fuck about the Bucs.
Good for him, he's clearly retiring into the sun and great weather we have here and that's finally that.
Nope.
They surround him with great talent and he has that fuck you mentality against Palpatine that propels them enough to win the goddamn Super Bowl...and they do it in their own stadium. First time that's ever happened.
So, I started about how this is the first year I didn't hate Tom Brady, despite all my rambling, I should probably address that point.
First of all, I liked that he didn't play for the Patriots anymore which was always a huge detriment to the Miami Dolphins, a team that I love, despite their continual misgivings. Second of all, I took it as a huge slap in the disgruntled face of Belichick/Palpatine. I would akin it to finding out an ex got engaged to someone else. It's all terrible.
In essence, I've hated Tom Brady for twenty years. Now that he's in Tampa, I don't give a shit. But never forget, you got here because of a ruptured spleen, you smug asshole.
Float on, graceful swans.
