The Highest Bidder

The unicorns and I usually find ourselves having a lot of free time on our hands/hooves this time of year.  October usually means that most of my favorite sports teams have shit the bed and because of this we usually spend a lot of time trying to preoccupy ourselves with mundane activities.  Myself?  I like the booze so that helps but the damn unicorns might as well be Mormons because they don't drink.  They like puzzles. 

What kind of puzzles?  Any.  kind.  of.  puzzle.  The house is chock full of sudoku, crosswords, Rubiks cubes, straight jackets, mazes, riddles, algebra books, health care forms, things that rhyme with orange, and just regular puzzles.  While this makes Christmas shopping for me easy as pie I can't stand that they insist on never getting rid of the finished puzzles.  It's a puzzle.  You solved it.  It's done.

Nope.  Not them.  They like to hold onto them like little trophies of vindication that they really are that smart.  It's pathetic!  They sleep standing up and let their bowel movements fall wherever they happen to be at that particular time.  Sure, they can do magic and cause rainbows, but they're pretty fucking far from majestic.  They don't see themselves that way, obviously, and that's why the house is filled with finished puzzles.  Every now and then the unicorns will go around and hoist one up and start to bask in all it's glory and I'll walk by and take it from them.  It's not very hard, they have hooves, they can't grip anything.




Speaking of puzzles and holding up bullshit, I think it's time to talk about the NCAA and college basketball.

So a hooker has come out and said that Louisville is trying to recruit basketball players by having sex parties in the athletic dorms and I find that absurd because the sale should be made on making baseball bats and fried chicken.  All kidding aside, has anyone ever done anything with a hooker and been completely mind at ease over the whole thing?  I said 'all kidding aside' but what I really meant was this whole thing is a joke and how the Hell can we take it seriously?

Let me put it this way:  In our nation we have a institution put in place for higher learning called colleges and universities.  It's our way to cultivate and nurture our bright young minds so we can usher in a better quality of life for our children and that's really what we're all here for.  I truly believe all that.  I do.

But the kids, they need to get out and play, and so play we let them.  Sports was introduced into higher learning and things were just dandy until other people were like, "Hey!  Those guys are doing things that might be entertaining to other people!  How do we profit off of this?"  They started out modest enough but they would soon refer to themselves as the National Collection of Assholes Anonymous and their main objective would not be to protect the young, vulnerable minds that our very country depends on but to make sure they made every possible penny they could at any expense of human sacrifice.

You see, what happens when you start thinking about the dolla dolla bills is that you start thinking that all those things that you used to think were important really aren't anymore because it's hindering your ability to get those dolla dolla bills.  You start to look the other way, you encourage competition against those that really shouldn't be competing against each other, and you take any edge you can against everybody else.  Your recruiting pitch goes from "We have a well established institution of learning" to "Go in that room and enjoy the sex party".  What the Hell?  Money is only important as we make it and we've made it higher than our values and our future.  We're recruiting our young, bright minds on the pretense of sex parties.

The NCAA is a pimp, not a professor.  The American youth is vulnerable to the hands of an organization that demands satisfaction now, not later.  This isn't just Louisville.  This is everywhere.  UCF is one of the biggest schools in country...God only knows what closed doors hide there.

So a hooker has come out and said that Louisville is trying to recruit basketball players by having sex parties...and we only know this because she called the NCAA looking for someone to foot the bill and they hung up on her.

By the way, I keep using the term 'hooker' and I mean no disrespect, it's just what the NCAA likes us to refer to ourselves as.

Ding Dong

I woke up this morning in a San Juan prison wearing nothing but a sombrero and several new tattoos.  The taste of scorpion liquor was still on my breath as I rolled myself to the bars and yelled out,  "He's gone!  He's really gone!"

Miami mercifully released Joe Philbin from his duties as head coach and I immediately went on a bender to Puerto Rico to celebrate aaaaaaaand things got out of hand.  There was chickens, guns, I don't know...it got weird.  The unicorns bailed me out this morning and I slept for most of the plane ride so I can't tell you what in-flight movie was playing but I opted for the kosher meal.

One of the unicorns, I call him Biscuits, just pointed out that 'scorpion liquor' is traditionally Mexican and I slapped him across the face and told him to never correct me.  It's embarrassing.  By the way, his name isn't really 'Biscuits', I just call him that to be a jerk.  His name is Charles.

If I haven't been abundantly clear by this point that I don't care to talk about Joe Philbin anymore--that's exactly what I'm doing.  He's done.  It's done.  Let's move on.

Let's move right along to...baseball!  Yay, baseball!  That's so much more interesting than any other sport!  Did you know that baseball is considered America's past time?  Yeah, I don't know what it means either but it's got America in the title so you know you have to clap along or else you get the hook from the Sandman.  The same day that Joe Philbin was fired so was Matt Williams, the manager of the Washington Nationals.  He was promptly replaced by Will Matthews, announced by general manager Mitt Wilhelm, accompanied by owner Walt Mayhew.  In all seriousness, you probably can't have a member of your bullpen choke out your best star player on television and expect everything to just blow over like it was no big deal.  Also, you lost thirteen more games than you did last year and you added more firepower!  That's almost like the Dolphins not being able to stop the run despite giving a defensive tackle over a gazillion dollars.  People lose their jobs over that.  It happens.


Around this same time, in the Bermuda Triangle of sports, CC Sabathia announced that he was leaving the New York Yankees, who play in the wild card game against the Houston Astros tonight, because he had to check himself into alcohol rehab.  CC said he had to do right by his family and he was sorry for the timing and abandoning his teammates in this crucial moment.  While I will, with one hand, applaud a man for getting help I will simultaneously await the tell-all story from the hooker.  It's got to be a hooker right?  It was several hookers for Tiger Woods and he's just a golfer!  I can only imagine the amount of hookers being thrown at the feet of a New York Yankee, especially one with a drinking problem...and I'm looking at you, Ruth and Mantle.  I applaud CC's wife for putting the heel to the throat and making him get his shit together and realizing that he's actually not the hot, hot shit he thinks he is and would be nothing but a moldy cardboard box without his family.  I wonder if he had a drinking problem in Cleveland?


Okay, I guess that's enough baseball to fill the quota established by the government.  What's left?  Siiiiiggggghhhhhh.  Okay, okay...football.

I don't know exactly what's happened to the Indianapolis Colts and Andrew Luck but damned if I'm not wearing a dark cloak and saying, "Good....gooooooooood."  This is the price you pay when you make deals with the devil, Indy.  In the bridge between Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck you made blood sacrifices and chalk pentagrams and tried to make last year your year but ol' Bill "I'd kill my own wife to win a football game" Belichick and Tom "I'm just a puppet in a corrupt organization but I'm going to ride it because I get to bang models despite my upbringing" Brady decided to deflate some balls on you.  AND EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT!

It's unfortunate that people are putting the blame on Andrew Luck when really the blame should be on every other single member of the team.  If your team is losing it's never Andrew Luck's fault.  He's Andrew Luck.  He's from Stanford.  They love trees.


Okay...I think that's it.  Yeah...we've covered just about everything...

Told ya.