To illicit fear in the heart of your enemies, one must choose a symbol of strength and ferocity. A symbol so powerful that just upon the very sight of it would speak volumes and send you running with your tail betwixt your legs. That word of the day is brought to you by Subway. Eat fresh, douchebags.
My symbol is a dolphin. An elegant, sophisticated, and incredibly intelligent marine mammal, fair enough, but not exactly the animal you want to strike fear into the hearts of your combatants. Most people would probably associate the dolphin with balancing a beach ball on it's nose, or whatever the Hell you call a dolphin's nose. Beak? Weird protruding mouth with way too many teeth? But also weird, gummy teeth? Also, let's not forget the blowhole, my favorite feature of the dolphin. So how does it breathe? Oh, there's a hole in the top of it's head that it surfaces from the depths of the water and takes a deep breath from and goes back down into the abyss again. You see, the dolphin is so smart, that it breathes from a hole in it's head.
Athletically? Dolphins are incredible! They swim through the water like a knife through cheese and also jump through hoops just to flaunt their own talent. When it comes to physical contact though, dolphins are like the poet laureate of the seas. They'd rather just sit back and talk about how intelligent they are. Which is fine...for dolphins. Now when it comes to human Dolphins, specifically from Miami, they're not very athletic at all. In fact, they also have a blowhole, but it's not for breathing, it's just a giant gaping hole in their brains. That's it.
Kids, I've been in the Twilight Zone for quite some time now, so I'm not so easily surprised these days. It's no shock to me that the Miami Dolphins are terrible because that's all I have ever known. Did you hear me?! I've only known failure from them and I've been alive...well...a while. It's coming to the point where I give up on me and just hope the best for the unicorns because those dum dums followed my footsteps and became fans of them too! If not for me...for the unicorns?!
Miami is crap. Tua is hurt, our starting quarterback is named 'Jacoby', and the offensive line is made up of whatever was left of the stockpile of Fatheads. You guys remember Fatheads? Good concept, but their clientele was very limited. As a grown ass man, how do you explain to your wife why a life-size sticker of Ray Lewis on your wall is a good idea?
What does the future hold for my dear Miami Dolphins? Cheap ticket prices. There's nothing else. You know, they say that purgatory is worse than Hell, and I agree. At least with Hell, you've made it to your destination.
It's all blowholes, kids. Take a deep breath.
