The Quietest Week

The silence is deafening.  And I have others.

By others, I mean oxymorons that drive me absolutely nuts.  The silence is deafening?  Screw you.

I hate the people that try to be profound when they eat applesauce through a straw in the gap in their teeth.  It's so uncouth.  I don't use big words often but when I do it's to enact natural selection and hope that most of the world will leave me alone.

This is the quietest week in sports because you learn so much.  If you like baseball, you find out if your team has the chops to make the post-season.  True, the season doesn't technically end until next month but if you study the sport, you know.  You know.

Football fans will welcome this week as the opener.  It's Week One.  Everybody has a chance.  Unless of course your favorite team rhymes with Flyami Flophins.  Then you're screwed.  You're gonna have a bad time.

I was surprised to hear today that Andy Roddick is announcing his retirement from competitive tennis after this U.S. Open.  I was surprised because the last relevant thing that Roddick did was marry Brooklyn Decker, a supermodel.  I feel bad for Roddick, but not really.  After Sampras and Agassi retired, America was all "OH MY GOD WHO WILL WIN AT TENNIS!?!?!"  and Roddick came along and America was all "OH THIS GUY WILL! GO USA!"  But he didn't.  Sure, Roddick won some things but he was never dominant.  And right when Roddick should have come into his own, the unholy trinity of tennis greatness came into being.  Nowadays, you can't mention men's tennis without uttering either Federer, Nadal, or Djokovic.  Sign of the times.

2012 is definitely the apocalypse: Roger Clemens is not in prison and might pitch for the Astros later this week.  I am so thankful that I am not an Astros fan.  That has to be so goddamn embarrassing trotting his 50-year old ass out there for strictly a publicity stunt.  Why?  Why?  For God sakes, why?  So what if he resets his HOF timer for another five years?  Is there going to be a sports reporter on this planet that doesn't associate him with cheating?  You're done, old man.  Give it a rest.

You know what else happened today?  Boise State lost a game.  That is notable because it has only happened twice in the last four years.  They lost to Michigan State, which, who can blame them?  Their coach looks like he drinks innocent baby blood for sustenance.  There's probably a lawsuit in that last sentence and it's probably a good thing that I could care less.

The Rays lost tonight on a play at the plate.  They are no longer in the Wild Card lead and the hated Yankees are fighting the Orioles.  With that said, I'm a Dolphins fan.  If you don't hear from me for a couple of months, you know why.  College basketball doesn't start until late October...