The Things We Miss

Dearest children of the ever expanding Internet,

I'm mad as Hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

It's my solemn duty in life to make sure that you all grow up understanding the joke and I feel like I might be letting some of you down.  I was naive enough to think that I could go once or twice a month with imparting you with my words of wisdom but apparently that's just not gonna cut it anymore.

Well, I apologize, I really do.  I vow to step it up.

In less than 51 hours it will be the annual celebration of surviving another 365 days and the annual countdown to death for me, so forgive me if I am flooded with several strange emotions and thoughts.  I don't handle mortality well and I'm working on a cure.

It's just too damn tricky with all the scientists tied up working on various ways to create bacon flavored objects.

So, instead of using this space to lament my time here spent on Earth, I figured I might as well give you some sports musings.  At least this way you'll be entertained and I'll be distracted and then maybe one day I'll whore out enough to make a profit.  Too droll?  Eh, screw it.

Watching today's linebackers in the NFL makes me really miss Zach Thomas.  What an under-appreciated, over-achieving sonuvabitch he was.  His career was cut short to concussion trouble and his solution is to donate his brain to science when he dies so scientists can break away from the bacon stuff and find a solution to all the brain trauma NFL players are going through.

Speaking of retired players that I really miss: Daunte Culpepper.  I bought a Dolphins Culpepper jersey online a few years back.  I paid for the large youth size because I have the body of a thirteen year old girl.  The shipping cost more than the actual jersey.  I rocked that thing to sports bars for years until this past year it bit the dust in the dryer.  R.I.P. Culpepper jersey.  Maybe I'll upgrade and get a Jay Fiedler jersey this year.

4/5 of sports analysts were wash-outs in their respective sport...why should we care what they have to say?  I think we should have a complete changing of guard in who we listen to when it comes to sports.  Dolphin fans don't want to hear Tim Hasselbeck or Herm Edwards telling us the Dolphins suck, they want to hear people like me that go into depression when they lose.  Would you rather listen to a guy getting an undeserved paycheck or a guy that will honestly tell you like it is?

Things that seem like coincidences but aren't: The New York Jets are the only team so far this preseason to not score an offensive touchdown.  This isn't a coincidence because they hired Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator and they have Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow as their quarterbacks.  Together they form the unholy trinity of attempting field goals.  When Sparano was head coach of the Dolphins, our MVP was our punter.  Pair him with two guys that have a better chance of being day-shift managers at a gift shop in a hospital and you're not going to have a good time.

I guarantee that the Miami Dolphins will score more points than the New York Jets but lose more games.  Sometimes it sucks living in the Twilight Zone.

This preseason Andrew Luck has done nothing to dissuade me from the fact that he is the next psychotic robot quarterback of the NFL.  He'll be Rookie of the Year and will start racking up MVP's as soon as four years from now.  It really is disgusting.

My final musings tonight, after two weeks into the preseason?  My Super Bowl prediction.

From the NFC, I like the New Orleans Saints.  This is a team that embraces the "fuck everyone else, we're going to rally together and we'll show them!"  Drew Brees will probably throw for 6,000 yards this year just to prove a point.  They're making the big show for sure.

From the AFC, which is a perennial crap-shoot between the New England Patriots and everyone else, I'm taking the Baltimore Ravens.  No, this isn't a ploy to make my girlfriend smile, it just seems like this team is on their last hurrah as a team that's been primarily together for a decade.  They rose up and embraced it before and I think they'll do it again.

Saints and Ravens.  There you have it.  By the way, if it turns out that I'm way, way off...it's because I'm hammered.

Love you guys.