Cole Hamels, Douchebag M.D.

The Washington Nationals played the Philadelphia Phillies last night in a baseball game.

I shouldn't give enough care about this to even know that they played each other, let alone write about it on the Studly Pastures, but something interesting happened in the game.

Go figure.

The Nationals have what most baseball critics consider the best prospect in baseball in Bryce Harper.  Yep, his name is Bryce Harper.  I know he sounds like some guy with bleach blonde hair working at Pacific Sun trying to sell you flower patterned board shorts but he's actually pretty legit.

Well, at least he will be, for right now he's only 19.

When I was 19, my major achievement was failing a statistics class.  I showed up to class and the professor said, "today we are going to learn about discrete random variables."  I threw my hands up in the air and said, "that's it, I'm done!" and promptly walked out of the class.

So Bryce is getting some playing time in the majors this season due to injury to regular left-fielder Ryan Zimmerman and last night he faced against Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels.

I think I need to warn you before you read the rest of this post.  I am completely biased from this point on.  I hate Cole Hamels.  I think he's a douchebag.  He had one good season, back in 2008, and played good enough to make sure that my Tampa Bay Rays didn't win the World Series.  Screw Hamels.  I hope he gets penis rot and trampled by a stampede of wild boars.

Anyways, Harper stands in the batter's box in the first inning of a baseball game in May and Hamels pops him square in the back with the ball.

What?  It's May.  It's the first inning.  It's the Nationals, they were a Canadian baseball team ten years ago for crying out loud.

Side note: By the way, how torturous was it being an Expos fan?  They were never good, not even close to being good, got threatened with bankruptcy, got threatened with being moved to Puerto Rico, and then eventually they just imploded the whole thing and started a new team in Washington D.C.  Yikes.

After the game, Hamels tells the press that, yep, he hit Harper on purpose.

What?  You admit it?  How big of a dumb ass are you exactly?  Have you never heard of deny till you die?

What a colossal douchebag Cole Hamels is.  Now you're going to be suspended and nobody is exactly sure why.  You intentionally hit a 19-year old square in the back with a baseball in the first inning of a meaningless game...for intimidation purposes?

I'm not defending Bryce Harper because, well, if I was a pitcher I would be intentionally hitting batters left and right, so I get it.  For example, Alex Rodriguez would never see a pitch from me.  I would hit him with the ball every time he stood against me until they threw me out of the game.

But I would never admit to intentionally doing it.  That's only something morons do.

The only thing that I can think of is that Cole Hamels woke up yesterday and realized that he was only relevant for a brief period of time four years ago and decided he would do something bold to try and bring himself back to relevancy. 

Well Cole, you've made it.  You're on the Studly Pastures, congratulations.

Then Harper stole home on you.  Congratulations.  Only a douchebag intentionally hits somebody and then lets them steal home on them.  I really wish that after Harper slid into home and was ruled safe that he jumped up, looked at Hamels, and yelled, "Suck it!" and did the hand gesture where you chop yourself in the crotch.

I really don't know how to describe it better than that.  I hope you all know what I'm talking about and don't consider me some sort of weirdo for that whole crotch chopping thing.

Suck it, Hamels.