Return To Glory!

Loyal readers of the Studly Pastures probably noticed that I have been absent from posting.

I'm talking to you, Latvia.

Relax, I haven't been comatose, or traveling the world, or even been remotely busy with anything else that would have kept me from my SP duties.

Quite simply, it's been a rough sports month for me.

OK, quick recap, the Miami Dolphins missed out on Peyton Manning, they missed out on Matt Flynn, they traded Brandon Marshall, they signed David Garrard, they don't seem to have any plausible draft strategy for the end of this month, and nobody in the front office seems to give at least two shits.

Side note: That's all I'm going to say about the Miami Dolphins for right now. They don't deserve their own post and only talking about it further is just going to raise my blood pressure to unnatural levels. I'm almost out of scotch because of those ignorant morons.

The University of Nathan Curtis had a decent tournament run until our point guard, Kendall Marshall, broke his wrist. He's only the guy that runs the offense and sets the plays, you know, no big deal. With him gone, the Tar Heels were simply treading water until those grain-eating flat-heads from Kansas put them out. They aren't smart enough to not build their houses in a tornado hotbed but they sure are purdy good at puttin' the ball in the hoop! I'm just kidding, people of Kansas, but it's only natural for me to be hateful. Oh, and, just to make sure there is little to root for next year, four of our five starters are going to the NBA. Last time that happened? UNC lost to Dayton in the NIT final. I need to invent some new expletives. The old ones aren't cutting it anymore.

I WAS getting excited for baseball season to start with the arsenal of pitching the Rays are set to deploy this season. Then our outfield started dropping faster than Brandon Marshall in clutch time. Who has an outfield collision in spring training?! I didn't even know that was physically possible. I love the tenacity behind it but when it means you are now going to miss time playing REAL baseball because of the injury you sustained in FAKE baseball, maybe take a dive next time. We're already going to score the least amount of runs in the game, we need you out there chasing down fly balls, BJ Upton and Sam Fuld!

So where have I been? I've been sitting in the corner of a dark room, rocking back and forth, wondering about why everything I care about sports-wise is circling the drain. Sometimes it really sucks living in the Twilight Zone.

Then I realized that I was being really selfish. The people need to hear my words of wisdom to get them through their idle lives. It was my fault that I gave them a little taste and then rudely denied them for so long. I pledge to be here more often to fulfill your lives of depravity.

Still looking at you, Latvia.

By the way, kids, I'm working on developing a podcast so that instead of just imagining my voice of gravitas in your heads, you will actually be able to experience it first hand! Then all you'll have to do is picture my svelte body in your heads! Convenient!

There's just a small technological hiccup that I have to get ironed out first. By 'small technological hiccup', I mean that I don't understand the technology involved and when I try to set it up I end up just mashing the keyboard with my palms and yelling incoherent gibberish.

Once I get some more scotch though I should be able to figure it out. Stay tuned!