The Luckiest Man In The World

I've got news from across the pond today! Hah! Most international blog ever? I think so.

Fabio Capello, current England soccer coach, has said that David Beckham, title guy from 2002's Keira Knightly film, "Bend it like Beckham," is too old for the English team and will not be picked again.

Cue sound of a million crumbling macaroons.

Naturally, the English media has lost their minds and demand satisfaction for such remarks. The Daily Mirror and the Telegraph (harsh media names, bro) have even gone so far as to call the debacle "Dumb and Dumber" and "Another Fine Mess".

Scathing.

Well let's hope that some of the British population subscribes to the Studly Pastures because I'm about to rock your boats.

David Beckham is 35-years old and is coming off Achilles surgery. Remember how every time a goal was scored against England in South Africa's World Cup the camera would pan to Becks writhing in agony in a tailored suit? That's why. He tore his Achilles. Becks doesn't play soccer in a tailored suit, contrary to popular belief.

(I'm not going to refer to him as "Becks" anymore though. I have to pay royalties every time I do that and he's just not worth the money anymore.)

So, being 35-years old and coming off major surgery might as well make you 65-years old in the world of soccer.

I thought England was supposed to know soccer?

Look, Beckham has a very storied international career with England. He's played 115 times for England, that's second in their history. He married my childhood idol, Posh Spice. His hair is crafted by Zeus, the Greek God of lightning.

And it goes without saying, he has tremendous "Sexy Room" ability.

What's that? You need clarification on the "Sexy Room" theory? Sure thing.

I've mentioned this before with Tiger Woods. (By the way, of course I noticed he shaved his goatee after my last post. And YOU thought I was just always talking out my ass!)

Back to the "Sexy Room" thing. I walk into a room full of people, nobody cares. Tiger Woods, David Beckham, and uh, for these purposes, let's say George Clooney. They walk into a room, at least HALF of the room says, "Oh I'm having sex with one of these guys tonight based simply on their looks." Some of those people are men, too.

It's science. That's why I'm a writer. Eventually some girl out there is going to read this and think, "Oh I'm going to force this guy to do shit he doesn't want to do because I'm way better looking than him." Science.

So David Beckham isn't going to play soccer for England anymore. Hopefully he won't play for the MLS anymore either because that shit's embarrassing.

So, England, throw him a parade when he 'officially retires,' build him a statue, and name some small village 'Beckingham.'

Oh, what's that? You already have that? Well, I'm tapped.

Beckingham Palace

Close enough.