Well kids, it's November, the red-headed step-child of the calendar year.
Nobody cares about November. One minute it's Halloween and the next everybody's eyes glaze over and all they care about is Christmas.
Local drug stores replace their candy with decorative balls and garland. By the way, if you just laughed at the whole 'decorative balls' thing, you are my target audience and I thank you for reading.
But why are we so quick to overlook Thanksgiving? Or as I like to call it, "Fat Person Christmas."
Granted, Thanksgiving is a holiday that originated under false pretenses that ended in eventual slaughter but all "holidays" are like that. There's still an Arbor Day while the History Channel airs programs about the logging industry. And who needs trees, right?
Nobody actually cares about Thanksgiving because of the pilgrims and Indians and all that crap. In twenty years the Mayflower will be just a brand of seasoning salt instead of a ship. People care about turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, and deviled eggs. I mean that's going to be my menu this year.
And this is no attempt to chastise America for becoming so commercial that we have forsaken what truly matters and that we shouldn't overlook Thanksgiving because we should really be giving thanks. I'm just as jaded as the rest of you. I'm a big proponent of my girlfriend waking up really early the day after Thanksgiving and going to buy a sweet flat-screen HDTV. I buy into the system. The system works. The system is good.
But hey, I have a soul too. I get it. I understand the overall demeanor of the holiday season. That's why when the Boy Scouts put a plastic bag on my door handle I will give them all the non-perishable goods that will fit in that tiny satchel. It helps the needy and it pays my blood oath. And this year I'm making a pledge to not fill it with all the nastiest soups I can find. You're welcome, homeless people.
By the way, don't give them soup. It's like rewarding an employee with a gift card to where they work. They have it all the time.
Sheesh, this has really taken a turn for the worse. Maybe we should get to the sports then?
Screw Andrew Luck. A year ago I was ranting and raving about how he should take his can't miss talents to Miami and now I'm just a bitter old crone wishing he was playing for us. I don't hate Tannehill, he's a good little Fuzzby, but when Furby waxed the Miami Dolphins poetically this past Sunday I couldn't help but feel that this is exactly what happens in the Twilight Zone.
At least I'm not a Lakers fan. Watching the collective sports media shit their pants over how poorly the Lakers, a consensus Super Team, have started the season makes me smile. It's Deja Vu all over again. People, the Miami Heat went through the same growing pains. Basketball is not a plug and go sport. You need time to gel. When the Holy Trinity of the Miami Heat started 0-2, everybody lost their minds. Now they are the defending champions. Relax, Los Angeles, you're still super awesome and stuff.
Alright then, it's time to get personal. I generally have a big problem with most of the sports writers of America but if David Price doesn't win the AL Cy Young next week you can consider our differences irreconcilable. Stop looking at just numbers and look at the overall package. And if you just laughed at "overall package", we're destined to be together.
Price pitched for one of the worst offensive teams in the league and managed to maintain one of the lowest ERA's in the league and highest win count. In most of his losses and no decisions it was usually a one-run game. Let's also mention how dominant he was for a team that was pressing through the stretch. Back when I was calculating scenarios about how the Rays could make the post-season, I always gave David Price a win--and I was right. He takes the Cy Young or the whole thing is irrelevant.
Alright kids, I'm out. I'll be back before Turkey Day but just in case I slip into a coma, have a happy and joyous Fat Person Christmas!
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