2007 was a weird time for me. The Studly Pastures were just a twinkle in my eye, I was a junior in college, and the Miami Dolphins were mere months away from unveiling the 'wildcat' offense. I sure hope that NFL Films locked away that footage. It'd be a shame if those tapes were lost to the ages.
2007 is also the year that I adopted subtle sarcasm in my writing.
It was also the year that I started stretching the use of the word 'subtle'.
2007 was also the last year that the Tampa Bay Rays were a bad team. I've been around since the start and they used to stink, like bad. We threw a party when we came in fourth place for the first time in our history and that's not even supposed to be a joke but it sounds pathetic when I actually write the words. 2008 saw our first postseason berth and the dream lasted all the way to the promised lands--the world series. 2008 just so happened to be the same year that Cole Hamels traded his soul and forsake everything holy for a World Series title. I hate Cole Hamels but that's not the point of this post.
Just a mere seven short years later, it appears our time in the sun is over, and the Tampa Bay Rays are once again bad. Cue Rob Schneider, "Oh no, we suck again!"
The Rays manager, Joe Maddon, is probably a crazy person who just so happens to coach baseball but he's my kind of crazy so I dig what he's throwing out there. He's been setting up a table full of different kinds of cologne lately because we've been 'stinking' so bad.
I'm not kidding. Sex Panther made an appearance too.
For the last seven years, the Tampa Bay Rays have been my "I don't have a problem" excuse. Everything else that I follow has been a colossal failure and a huge blemish on my otherwise pristine social standing but they've always been able to say, "Yeah, but he's a Rays fan." Boom. Forgiven.
And now the underdog has finally gone under and it's a sad, sad time to know me because I will not stop bitching about it. All kidding aside, will my heart strings retain their elasticity after all this wear and tear?
But you don't have to be a Rays fan, or a baseball fan, this time of year. You can like horse racing and be one of those gullible jerks that fall for the triple crown threat every year.
Look people, there hasn't been a triple crown winner since 1978. 1978! That's the year that Kobe Bryant was born and he was born in late August so he's never seen a triple crown winner either so make sure you point that out to him when you see him. 2007 is also the last year that Kobe Bryant was the NBA scoring champion.
California Chrome is the 13th horse since Affirmed to win the first two legs of the triple crown...and I'm picking him to finish it. The thirteenth horse? Come on, this streak needs a little reverse luck, doesn't it? June 7th, look out, California Chrome will complete the triple crown and simultaneously be delicious. (And that's a Great Depression joke.) Horse meat is a bit tough though and you might need something like Sprite (Kobe) to wash it down with.
And the PETA calls started...now...
Last night I stubbed my left pinkie toe on the side of my bed and I'm not ashamed today to admit that it hurts terribly. My dog, sensing that I'm injured, came over to lick the wound and the contact hurt even more. Either it's broken or I'm a huge baby. Huge baby status aside, I'm still willing to walk without the aid of a cane or a hover-round. Which, by the way, who are they kidding with those advertisements? The first place I'm going if I'm suddenly mobile is not the Grand Canyon. I'm getting more pudding.
The point of the toe story is do you sacrifice something for the greater good? If you're injured, and severing something will relieve that, at what point do you make that decision? In other words, kids, how long will David Price be a Ray and how long will I keep my left pinkie toe. These are great questions that need further pondering. I'll be in my pondering machine.
Float on, graceful swans.
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