New England's Taint

I sit here now, in the wake of the latest scandal from the New England Patriots, and I finally have them figured out.

They're the goddamn Cobra Kai Dojo.  They cheat even when they don't have to!

For those keeping score at home, the Patriots are now being investigated into deflating footballs during the AFC championship game last night against the Indianapolis Colts--which they didn't have to do at all to win the game--they're just assholes.  Bill Belichick, the capo of the underworld, has employed some unsavory tactics in the past and he's showing no signs of slowing down.

Although deflating footballs is something I would have expected to see in the script for Little Giants.

Really?  You were at home, in the rain, against a team you always beat anyways, and you thought, "Hell, let's take some of the air out of the footballs."  Cowards.

What's the point here?  A deflated football makes it easier to grip and catch.  Cool.  The Patriots ran down the throat of the Colts and also broke them down defensively.  A deflated football doesn't help in either of these situations.  That's the point.  New England is getting revenge for being caught for Spygate.

The maximum penalty for being caught with tampering with a game ball is $25,000 which is laughable and also shows how absolutely nobody does that shit.  The New England Patriots are now cheating for sport.  This is a new level of douchebaggery that was previously unknown to me.  Most cheaters cheat to gain some sort of advantage.  These assholes are now cheating to BRAG!  What the hell?!

Spygate was legitimate because it gained them a tactical advantage on game day.  Ideally, in football, you would like to know what the other team is going to do so you would guess to your best proximity and plan around that.  The Patriots knew what the other team was going to do because they sent spies to the other teams' training facilities and videotaped their game plan.  They were punished, as much as the favorite child could be, and life moved on and they haven't won a Super Bowl since.

Hmm.  That's weird.  It's almost as if one would think that Spygate was the integral reason behind New England's success only it was never reported that way because they're the media darlings of ESPN and HOW COULD TOM BRADY DO ANY WRONG IN THE WORLD WHATSOEVER!!!!???  It's almost like one would think that.

Then the Patriots drafted Aaron Hernandez, a goon that was specifically used for his size and intimidation factors.  These are known as "enforcers" in the criminal underground.  He's now sitting in a jail cell awaiting TWO separate trials for TWO separate murder investigations.  I wonder how many times he had brunch at Tom Brady's house.  Do you think Tom Brady ever had to hide a gun for him?  That'd be cool.  Giselle loves danger.

And now, once again, on the eve of yet another Super Bowl appearance (the sixth for both Brady and Belichick) there are whispers in the wind of another unsavory tactic.  Deflating footballs.  At my very core I wish this was like Al Capone getting nabbed for tax evasion but at least we still get an answer to a very important question.  What beats the New England Patriots?  Themselves.

The way something bad happens always starts the same way.  They'll suggest something that you've previously held to be outrageous so you laugh it off to see if they laugh too but they don't.  After they don't laugh you start actually thinking about it and coming up with varying means to an end.  Not after long you have a plan and like all plans it all hinges on whether you're caught or not but you can only be caught by people in power, and lo and behold, you have one on your side.  If I'm going into a fight I'm bringing a white billionaire too, Patriots, I get it.  And now all of a sudden the penalties decrease a little bit, the eyes of the power that be wane a little bit, and now we can put our plan into action.

Now we have the crown, the media, and are free to rule at our will.  Kids, might I remind you that the Commissioner works for the owners of the NFL and is not some free-standing entity that regulates dominion between the owners and players.  Robert Kraft always seemed like a nice enough guy but so did Senator Palpatine.

Like I told you earlier, it was raining.  The one thing that gets harder to do in the rain is catch a football.  Even with Tom Brady at quarterback, even with Gronkowski in the field, even with a superior running game...they still deflated the footballs.  They still used pre-cut boards.  Unbelievable.

Cold and unforgiving--the weather and attitude of New England.

If Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens can be vilified over things we think happened why aren't Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in the same light when we know they did things that aren't allowed?  Damn double standards!  I'm sure it's great to be a Patriot's fan but I'm also sure it has to feel a lot like being in the Nazi Party prior to D-Day.  Sure, things are roses now, but there's definitely a blot on the horizon.

Look, I'm obviously not trying to compare New England Patriot fans to Nazi's, that would be absurd.  I know that most of you are just blind followers of success anyways..