Coach Carousel

This marks another new landmark for the Studly Pastures as we've managed to go a full calendar month without anybody overseas reading a post.

While I'd like to think that maybe the East has finally taken what they've needed from me and are now better for it the more likely reason is that those spam bots have left me alone due to inactivity.  Eh.  The herald of the times can only do so much and he's probably not going about it by writing in an obscure blog every here and there.

I believe in self-employment.  You're the boss and what you say goes.  It's also got great job security because the only way you lose your job is when the whole company goes under and--come on--how often does that happen?

That's probably why I'm not an NFL head coach.  While it might seem like you hold some semblance of power you're really just the guy whose got the puppeteer's hand up his ass the furthest.  And when he tires of you he throws you out and gets another puppet.  Your life is basically Toy Story, except like I said, his hand is up your ass.  The life of a NFL head coach is cruel, wearing, and you better know it before you get into it or else it will swallow you up.  Unless you employ tactics, oh let's say such as spying on the other teams, your shelf-life as a NFL head coach is a little longer than that lactose-free milk which just confuses me to no end.  What's in the container?  Sand?

There's been a number of coaching changes as of late and most of them have left me wondering what the person making the hire is doing to convince themselves of such a move.  Why did this person out of ALLLLLLL others stand out to you as the one that would lead you to the promised land?  Why?!



BUFFALO: I start with you because, let's face it, we know each other the best.  You're the barren wasteland of my birth--the place that God constantly tries to warn humanity not to form a habitat in by burying it for months at a time under pounds and pounds of ice!  Yet, there you stand, as some weird testament to human resiliency or just pure ignorance.  Nevertheless, your old coach abandoned you (and granted he has a history of doing that) but you couldn't really blame him because maybe he wanted to remember what the sun looked like.  It appears now that Doug Marrone would rather not be a head coach in the NFL so that he didn't have to live in Buffalo any longer.  That's a tough pill to swallow and you washed it down with a big, heaping glass of Rex Ryan.

I know you're not the Grand Vizier of Great Decision Making but...come on...Rex Ryan?!  I wouldn't even want that guy to show up to the same bar I'm at--let alone coach my football team.  Has it come down to this, Buffalo?  You're now just willingly raising your hand for Jersey's seconds?

Rex Ryan is a defensive minded coach, something they have the footholds established for in Buffalo but their offense is a huge train-wreck.  Enter Rex Ryan, one-track mind, one-track coach, one lap-band surgery.  Buffalo has basically signed up to become Jersey 2.0.  I expected better from Canadians.



OAKLAND: I must say I like the moves that the Oakland Raiders make because as a sibling I can basically smoke crack and still be a more favored offspring.  They just don't get it, do they?  It's either they all collectively don't get it or Al Davis died so he could become more powerful than we could ever imagine.  To go through their timeline of events in just the last six months would require about five Studly's so we're just going to skip ahead and tell you that they've tapped Jack Del Rio as the 479th head coach of the Oakland Raiders.

I don't like Jack Del Rio because he thinks he looks good in leather jackets and that kind of pompous attitude makes me hate you.  He previously coached the Jaguars for far too long because they're trying to sabotage themselves but for the last couple of years he was Defensive Coordinator for the Denver Peyton Mannings.  There was much ballyhoo last offseason for the attention the Broncos were paying to the defensive side of the ball with acquisitions like Demarcus Ware and Aqib Talib.  And then Andrew Luck came along, marched right into Mile High, and now Peyton has plenty of time to peddle pizzas. (Boom).  Oakland, being in the same division as Denver, has kept close tabs on the Broncos for the last couple of years and has decided to hire the man in charge of the weakest link on the team.  The chain of failure isn't a straight line, dumbasses, it's a circle.

I like Jack Del Rio for a character name on Law and Order but as far as a head coach I'm going to have to question why the Davis family has so much money to burn for such trivial reasons such as hiring and firing a guy two years later.



NEW JERSEY: You know why I saved you for last.  The Twilight Zone is very cruel and unforgiving.  Back in the Suck for Luck year in 2011 when the Dolphins fired Tony Sparano in December, Todd Bowles became our interim head coach.  The Dolphins subsequently went 2-1 under his stead and far missed out on a lottery we were in prime position to get from the start of the season--Andrew Luck.  The Colts sucked a little bit more that year and now they're in the AFC Championship.  I knew that we weren't getting Andrew Luck that year but at least there was potential in Todd Bowles.  He had coached with us for several years prior, the team loved him and responded to him, and he seemed like a bright young mind.  Then Stephen Ross went and hired Joe Philbin as head coach and there was no place for Todd Bowles anymore and I slunk even further into the Twilight Zone.

Now Rex Ryan is in Buffalo, Todd Bowles is in New Jersey, Andrew Luck is in Indianapolis and I'm stuck with Joe "I need to do a better job coaching" Philbin and Ryan "Fuzzby" Tannehill.

The gang's all here.

As much as I bashed Buffalo for hiring a guy that was defensive-minded on an already defensive heavy team I simply can't do the same for the New Jersey Jets.  Yes, Todd Bowles is a defensive-minded coach--but if anybody can juggle with one hand while learning the other I gotta go with him.  Buffalo hired a sideshow, Jersey hired a prodigy.

I'm just glad he went to Jersey because not even they can take advantage of his raw power.

You better be floatin' on, graceful swans.