Farts and Kraft

As New England stares down the barrel of a Nor'easter they decide that the best tactic to absolve the storm is through their own hot air.  That's all that seems to be coming out of New England these days.

Since Deflategate has gained speed, Belichick, Brady, and now even the Pats' owner Robert Kraft has taken the podium.  While each man has taken their own approach to questions about why they felt the need to cheat when it was so obvious that they didn't have to I found that Kraft provided the most insight.

I was actually kinda shocked that Senator Palpatine even took the podium in the first place but then I remembered that cameras would be there and hubris is pretty tough to have just by yourself aaaaaaaaand now we're here!

Bob (that's right I'm calling him Bob) shuffled up there in his million dollar loafers made from the souls of the forgotten, took off his lacy white glove and slapped it in the face of the collective media and or world.  That's right, kids, Bobby Kraft demands satisfaction!

An apology?!  An APOLOGY!?  What freakin' planet are these morons living on?  Hey, asshole, maybe you shouldn't demand an apology while there is an ongoing investigation on how your team cheated!

And if by some miracle of God, or however much you have to pay people to make things go away these days, that you aren't found culpable of removing air from footballs---well then sir---YOU STILL GET NOTHING!

You get nothing.

Tom Brady says his feelings were hurt.  Robert Kraft says that it bothers him that their reputations and integrity have been called into question and I'm over here playing the world's smallest violin because absolutely nobody should feel bad for the New England Patriots.

Did anybody feel bad for Michael Jackson when the second kid showed up in his bed covered in glitter and banana peels?  No!  You know why nobody is going to apologize to Robert Kraft and the New England Patriots?  Because they're mocking us.

I find it fitting that Ted Wells, the guy who investigated the great Dolphins' bullying scandal last year, is now investigating the Patriots deflategate controversy because the Patriots have been bullying the entire rest of the league for the last fifteen years.  There are 32 teams in the NFL and only one of them sees themselves in a higher light than the rest of them.  There is only one team's name that keeps popping up when we bring up the term "cheating".  Go buy yourself some compassion, Mr. Kraft, because we're fresh out over here.

An apology.  Hah!  Sure.  I'm sorry that you guys are such pompous assholes that you think you can literally get away with murder.  I'm sorry that we have to listen to you pompous assholes crying about how you're being targeted because you're the New England Patriots.  I'm sorry that you've developed some sort of weird 'us against the world' mentality when it was you, in fact, that separated from the rest of the world.  "They all hate us because we hated them so we're going to hate them for hating us!" - The New England mantra, also known as the Yosemite Sam defense.

After the press conference, Robert Kraft left in his melancholy limousine and went back to his less-than-fortunate mansion.  He then took off his blase suit and climbed into his huge bed covered in tiger skins--from a indigenous part of "Bad Asia".  There, he patiently waited, while drifting off into Billionaire Dreamland, for the apologies of all the people much, much less than him.

I'm so confused by all of this because I've never met people so unlawfully willing to cheat--and then still care about their public persona at the same time.  Are they insane?  I'm starting to think that they are insane.

Look, the end result of the Wells' investigation doesn't mean anything.  I've already seen all the stuff I needed to see.  The Patriots did something to their footballs.  Bill Belichick shifted the focus to Tom Brady.  Tom Brady stood up there and acted like he wouldn't know the touch of a football from a glazed ham.  Bill Belichick stood up there again and tried to blow us away with his vast knowledge of Joe Pesci movies.  Then Robert Kraft stood up there and demanded an apology for something that hasn't even been concluded yet.  This all makes perfect sense to the criminally insane.

But what does it all mean, Basil?

It means that the Patriots are legitimately shocked that the NFL would follow protocol and investigate a method of cheating that they would do for the other 31 teams.  It means that the New England Patriots are so far gone past the realm of actual humanization that they think they are owed some sort of apology for even being brought down to our measly level.  Robert Kraft wants to be apologized to for being treated like everyone else.

Float on, graceful swans, but stay the hell away from New England.  A bad storm is hitting them today.