Back To The Draft

Another NFL Draft has come and gone, kids, and per usual it is bereft of things that normal people care about but rife with things that obsessive compulsors like me (and to an extent, you) can sit back and laugh a little at.

For example, let's start with me and my borderline 'cut myself obsession' with the Miami Dolphins.  Well folks, they did it AGAIN!  I sit here on the flip-side of another draft and I'm just puzzled at their continued actions to try and get me to renounce my fanship.  Am I that big of a bad luck charm?

I don't know Dion Jordan.  I have no idea what he's capable of or what he's already accomplished.  He comes from Oregon, which is a Pac-12 school, which might as well be in a different country as far as I'm concerned because the only thing I know about the West Coast is that 60 Minutes never seems to air there (and that's a joke for East Coasters.)

I've heard that he could be an elite pass-rusher, and possibly the best defender in the draft, and if that turns out to be true I might be able to cry for the first time in my life out of sheer bewilderment.  But my track record tells me that we might have gotten another Fuzzby.

You might recall that last year I lamented how Andrew Luck and RG3 were Furby's and as the poor kid on the block I got stuck with Ryan Tannehill, the Fuzzby.  Now Tannehill played his little heart out and he gives hope to the future but he never did anything to prove to me that he wasn't a Fuzzby.  The two Furby's went to the playoffs and Miami finished sub .500 yet again.

But the NFL is a team game more than any other sport and I know that you can't be expected to do it alone and so the Dolphins have made it a mission this off-season to get our Fuzzby some help.  So we got him the fastest guy in the NFL to throw to, we beefed up our front seven on defense, and we drafted a kid that could be the perfect compliment to our quarterback pressure...or he could be the biggest bone-headed pick we ever made.

That's the thing about the NFL draft: It's the most publicized game of Russian Roulette that exists.  Except when you are fan of the Miami Dolphins, the chamber holds five bullets instead of one.

The absolutely crazy thing about everything they have done this off-season is that--it might just actually mesh together perfectly.  It's absolutely absurd to declare anything at this point, considering it's still April, but what if it works?  What if, God-forgiving, they catch a lucky break?  What if...they actually know what they are doing and it WORKS?!

I just got goosebumps.  Gasp!  What if the Miami Dolphins are actually good, to the point of actual competition?  I wouldn't know what to do with the Pastures this year...retire it I guess.

But the world would be so much better if we all crapped gumdrops and lemon drops and blah blah blah.  Let's keep our asses firmly on the ground and just assume that I know nothing about sports.

Tyrann Mathieu was drafted before Matt Barkley.  Isn't that absolutely hilarious?  The NFL thought the chronic rule breaker and pothead had better upside than Barkley.

They shouldn't have been so hard on Barkley, he was the victim of circumstance (shoulder injury) and of people giving him completely the wrong advice.  He only came back for his senior year because of the influence of Lane Kiffin, which is not so much a testament to Barkley's poor judgment as it is to Kiffin's evilness.  The guy, Kiffin, is such garbage that he's charging Oscar the Grouch rent (and that's a joke for the whole family.)

It's not Barkley's fault that he's followed in the footsteps of wash-outs like Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez, and kinda Carson Palmer but not as much as the other two.  Let him prove he can buck the trend.  Don't slight the kid because of what a bunch of dumb, surfer bro's from SoCal have done so far.

Mathieu had it all in the palm of his hand and he rolled it up and smoked it all away...again...and again...and again.  He doesn't deserve a second chance because he used that up a couple of years ago.  Even cats are jealous of how many chances the Honey Badger gets (and that's a joke for all the lonely people.)

And at the end of the day, Mathieu goes to Arizona and Barkley goes to Philadelphia and absolutely nobody wins because both of those teams are complete crap.

We have time for one more pick that stood out to me and that belongs to my dear friends, the Lennie Smalls of the NFL, the Buffalo Bills (and finally a joke for the literary minds.)  They took EJ Manuel at 16 overall.  Let that sink in.

Now resume breathing.

After I was pounding beers after the Dion Jordan pick I was granted a reprieve when my rival Bills chose an even worse pick, which might have been the worst pick.  Not only was Manuel considered a third round pick, at best, he is definitely a "project quarterback" which is something the Bills don't have the time or resources to commit to.  Manuel needs to sit behind a valued veteran for at least a couple of years instead of being thrown to the dogs right away which is not going to happen in Buffalo.

It's a complete lose-lose situation but hey, what do I know?  Nothing about sports.

Live long and prosper, kids.