Birds of Prey

Kids!  It's December and that means I'm chock full of goodies for you!

That came out really badly and I apologize for that.  Today's post is inspired by a crazy man and a dumb looking bird.  I wish I was kidding.

New Orleans Hornets owner, Tom Benson, doesn't think the Hornets name is very befitting for his city and wants to change it to...wait for it..the Pelicans!

The New Orleans Pelicans!

First of all, if the pelican is the best representation of your city that you have, you have yourself a very shitty city.  Look at it this way, if we all go to war against each other and we turn and see the army marching in with the pelican on their flags, we're wiping them out first.  They should be a cake walk.

I'm not from New Orleans and I've never been to New Orleans so I can't say for sure what kind of obsession level the people have there with pelicans.  I do know that we have them here in Florida and I'm not very impressed.  A pelican has never done anything to make me say, "Boom!  That's totally Florida-status pelican right there!"

But this news did get me thinking.  What if every NBA team changed their names to better reflect their city?  Wouldn't that be interesting if someone put together some sort of hypothetical list of new NBA teams?  But who, who I ask you, would take on such a daunting task?  Read on.



Boston Bean Eaters - People from Boston friggin' love beans.  It's kinda like how regular people like good stuff like candy and pizza but for them it's beans.  It doesn't matter what kind of beans either.  They drizzle that stuff on anything.  Kids are sick?  Have some beans.  You just got laid off from the mill?  Beans.  It's pretty damn gross.

Brooklyn Underground Rappers - Every single underground rapper has come from Brooklyn.  Fact.

New York Scumbags - If you live in New York City, you've probably done something recently to label yourself a scumbag.  But, hey, it's not your fault, it's the city itself turning you into that.  My advice?  Embrace it.  That's the New York spirit anyways.  Stand tall, stand proud and declare yourself a scumbag.

Philadelphia Amish - Pennsylvania is big for Amish territory and while the technology challenged members of society aren't big basketball fans...they could be.  Think about this: no distractions, just a ball and a hoop.  If the Amish get into the game the rest of the NBA could be in trouble.

Toronto Hockey Players - Canada has no business in the NBA and it's high time that they recognize it.  Aside from being an oxymoron, considering it's the NATIONAL Basketball Association, Canadian basketball players would rather kick back with a Labatt's Blue and talk about moose.

Dallas Cattle - I know that 'Mavericks' was a cooler name but when I think about Dallas, I think about Texas, and when I think about Texas I think about cows.  Big, juicy, and delicious cows.  And every time the team was trailing the PA announcer could get them back into it by saying, "It looks like it's time for a Cattle Driiiiiiiiiive!"  Brilliant marketing.

Houston Intergalactic Spaceships - The 'Rockets' was a pretty good representation of Houston...if it were the '60s.  We need to update this stuff!  Rockets?  We haven't blasted off in those since John Glenn was only sort of old and not crotchety old.  Our space program is progressing into some crazy stuff and it's time to reflect that.

Memphis Blues - I am stealing this from the NHL because when it comes to real sports the NHL always loses.  Plus, it's such a great double entendre!  Blues, as in the music that makes Memphis so popular, but also in the fact that if you live in Tennessee you are probably pretty sad.

San Antonio Alamo - Every time they win they could all shout, "ALWAYS REMEMBER!"  And then party with raccoon pelts on their heads.

Chicago Mafia - Why aren't they called this?!  If Al Capone didn't die of syphilis he would be pretty pissed off.

Cleveland Ohioans - Sometimes it's best just to be proud of where you are.  Mostly because there is nothing else to be proud of.

Detroit Temptations - It's Motown, baby, and what better Motown band than the Temptations?  The starting five could shimmy on out to a rendition of 'Get Ready'.  That would be pretty sweet.

Indiana Grain Eating Flatheads - It's a plains state, complete with nothing substantial geographically.  They would only sacrifice their grain for the sake of paving over the entire state and making it one gigantic basketball court.

Milwaukee Beers - Instead of the deers, let's be the Beers!  People relate to alcohol more than they do to Bambi.  Instead of hanging out with a skunk and a rabbit and lamenting on how my mother was shot to death, I'd rather have a cold one.

Denver Mountains - Sorry.  You have to be mountains.

Minnesota Accents - This was a tough one because just like Canada, I feel like Minnesota should stick to hockey.  But I can't say the word Minnesota in my head without it sounding like "Minn-ah-soodah."

Portland Hippies - Portland is stuck in a constant case of the '90s.  Now that it's almost 2013, the '90s have become the new hippie generation.  Weird but true.

Oklahoma City Bombers - Tough to swallow but incredibly accurate.  I didn't even know there was an Oklahoma City until it blew up.  Plus, every time they dunk, the sound effects guy can make that 'pewwwwwwwwwwwwBOOOM!' sound effect.

Utah Mormons - No brainer here.  I can't wait to see an Amish-Mormons match up.

Atlanta Traffic - Have you driven through Atlanta?  Who designed those roads?  It's like trying to navigate a hedge maze but instead of a hedge it's an angry person in a car.  It's a car maze.  I should have just gone with that from the start.

Charlotte Plantations - I know I can't be the only one.

Miami Cubans - I'm definitely not the only one.

Orlando Disney Machine - Literally, there's nothing else.  We're the Kingdom of the Mouse and that's about it.  The best part is that if they did change their name to the Disney Machine they would definitely dominate the league.  Disney would make sure of it.

Washington Monuments - Wait, why the hell are they the 'Wizards'?  Isn't that a little Pagan for our nation's capital?  HOW DID WE MISS THIS?!

Golden State Cereal - I'm sorry, exactly which state is Golden State?  California?  Ah, gotcha.  So, why didn't we just say California?  Stop trying to church it up, California.  We know who you are.  Now you are called the Cereal.  Take that.

Los Angeles Gang Bangers - That might be a little politically incorrect but it's a pretty sweet name.  Oh, this was originally the Clippers by the way.

Los Angeles Kobe's - Lakers now.  Ego abounds here and as the most selfish player in NBA history, you get the team named after you.  Congratulations.

Phoenix Desert - I almost kept the 'Suns' name but that was probably more fitting to a different team in Florida.  As the 'Desert', Phoenix fans can rest assured that it's a very fitting name for their city in that nothing can really survive there.

Sacramento Capitals - Sacramento is the capital of California and nobody knows it because it should be Los Angeles.  Sacramento will never be relevant in the NBA so the least they can do is promote that they are the capital of California.

And, finally, as for the New Orleans Pelicans, go right ahead.  You're now in the class you belong now that I've set it right.  Make sure to get your new team hats in time for Christmas, kids!