Gay Olympics

On February 7 the 2014 Winter Olympics will kick off in Sochi, Russia, despite several hitches in the gait, if you will.

For starters, there's a bunch of security concerns and several American competitors have told their families to stay home for fear of a terrorist attack.  In fact, Al-Qaeda (which has become the Westboro Baptist Church of terrorism and just can't let a single event go by without a terrorist threat) has already warned about possible attacks at the games.

This was only taken into concern when the first athlete arrived at the airport and said, "Oh shit, we're actually doing this in Russia?"

All kidding aside, outside of their prisons, security is pretty lax in Russia just because if you do something you're going to go to Russian prison and that normally is enough to have ne'er-do-wells rethink themselves.  FUN FACT: Some Russian prisons have bear-dogs as guards.  BEAR...DOGS.  They're basically dogs the size of bears that also look and act like bears...so bears.  Their line of defense is bears!  How ridiculously crazy is that?!

Of course a symbol of peace and friendly competition would be a target for terrorism...of course.  Look, potential terrorists of the world, leave the games alone.  Isn't it enough that they have to be in Russia?  Besides, bombing the Winter Olympics is like trying to assassinate the Vice President--what are you doing?  I mean, our best Winter Olympian is Shaun White and he pretty much spends his time drinking Red Bulls and smoking marijuana...of course, you could say that about our best Summer Olympian too but that's not the point!  Nobody thinks you're tough for beating up the smallest kid in school and that was the note that my mom always used to put in my lunch box just in case I got beat up that day.

Keep in mind, before we head to my next segment, that I have a large readership for some reason in Russia.  I know I joked about it a couple of posts ago but it's actually true.  I think they like my no-nonsense approach to hard-hitting topics.  With that said...

The other major issue revolving around the Sochi games is that Russia doesn't seem to care for gay people all too much.  Homosexuality, that's still a hot button issue?  Huh.  Weeeeirrrrd.  Anyways, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law back in June that's basically a ban on propaganda of "nontraditional sexual relations" so no 'under the covers' or 'lights off' stuff, kids.  Many people take this as discrimination against gays but I think Ol' Pooty just had a bad run in with a tranny at a Russian vodka bar.  Grudges don't die easy!

But wait...there's more!  Most of the countries that are attending the games aren't nearly as narrow-minded as our snow-blind friends to the East and have come out (zing) against the Russian law.  The United States is even sending our own resident lesbian and sports icon, Billy Jean King, to represent us and act as an ambassador of sorts.  And Ol' Pooty better watch out because the USA doesn't send in the Notorious B.J.K. unless we're ready for an all out knock 'em down, drag 'em out war!  Not even bear-dogs will stop the Notorious B.J.K!  FUN FACT: Billy Jean used to re-wire her tennis racket with the tendons of defeated opponents.

But wait...there's more!  Facing the criticism and deciding to do a little damage control, Putin said that people of all walks of life, even gays, are welcome into his country for the games...so long as they don't talk to any children.  It's funny because I have the same policy for Jehovah's Witnesses.  Come on in, have some tea, but don't look my son in the eye, you propaganda spewing S.O.B.!

I guess Ol' Pooty thinks that for some reason that gay people are endowed with either hypnotism or mind-control or can just really sell another person's butt-hole.  I have never seen this to be the case but, hey, you don't become the President of Russia without doing a little research, right?  Why should world famous athletes get the chance to talk to children?  It's not like anybody's ever had an impression on a youth before, especially people that children look up to.

Sigh...but wait...mere's thore!  I guess Sochi has a mayor too and he's come out (zing) and said that his city is 100% gay-free, so no worries to anybody that suffers from a gay allergy.  "We don't have them in our town," Anatoly Pakhomov told the BBC.  Was that a box on the latest census or is it a simpler approach to  just go door to door and pull your pants down and go "Huh?...huh?"  If they take the bait then they are quickly whisked away in a train to some sort of camp where we can later...oh...my...god...

Quick question: When Sochi signed up for this did they know that men's figure skating was an event?  There's nothing gay about men wearing tight, colorful clothing doing ballet on ice!  Float on, you graceful swans!

Hey, I guess if anything, Russia sure is doing a helluva job getting people to tune into the Winter Olympics.  I've always loved the Olympics and I think it's a wonderful concept.  And if blogs, and myself, were around in 1936 you can guarantee that I would have been all over the Berlin Summer Olympics.  Jesse Owens taught the world a valuable lesson: bigotry and prejudice never succeed.  You can stand on a pedestal and yell as loud as you want, Putin, but nobody cares.

Well I gotta go lay down now because that last line just resonated with myself.  Enjoy the games, kids.  Peace and friendly competition and as always, float on, you graceful swans!