Miracle Boy

It's been 363 days since the last time I've posted from the Studly Pastures and all I have to say about that is that I'm only contractually obligated to post once a year.

I'm like the George Clooney of bloggers.  I did my thing, now I'm resting on my nest egg on the shores of an Italian lake and every now and again I'll surprise everyone by appearing in a commercial for an express coffee maker that as far as I can tell nobody actually owns.

Just kidding, I'm still over here shoveling pound after pound of unicorn shit and keeping a keen eye on the weird, wonderful world of sports.

Now that I'm significantly older than when this wild ride took off for the first time I'd like to think that my view has matured and I'm more open to discussion rather than my opinion operating like one of the Ten Commandments.  I'm not sure if you're supposed to capitalize the Ten Commandments but I'm going to anyways because I don't trust the odds of being struck by lightning.  Anyways, I've been really trying to see different view points and really become a structured individual when it comes to conversation but I seem to be running into this problem each and every time--they're always wrong!  It's the damndest thing but I can't seem to find anybody I actually agree with over myself.  Oh well, good thing this blog is like talking to myself in the mirror anyways.  Off we go!


This year brought back haunted memories for me as an old friend was reintroduced into something he has no business doing.  The Green Bay Packers decided it was best in the middle of a season to fire their head coach, Mike McCarthy, who led them to a Super Bowl victory, and told Joe Philbin to go get them tiger!  Now keep in mind, when the announcement came over the airwaves I felt like Darth Vader did when he sensed Obi-Wan on the Death Star.  I was just as surprised as anyone that Philbin was still in football, let alone a position that allowed him to be promoted via assassination.  What the Hell is it with this guy?  Does he knit Christmas sweaters for the commissioner every year and he gets these ridiculously underqualified jobs in return?  Like I said during the painful years that he coached the Miami Dolphins, Joe Philbin is better placed in some high school in Wisconsin trying to get kids accepted into trade schools.  I'm sure this past Sunday, when the Chicago Bears clinched the North and eliminated the Packers from the post season, Philbin let out his best "Well, shoot!" and then proceeded to gently blow on his hot cocoa.  I'm sorry for you Green Bay, if only more of you subscribed to the SP you would have known about Philbin.

Speaking of the Miami Dolphins, they've now resorted to Divine Intervention in order to achieve victory.  Last week's win over the Patriots was dubbed the "Miracle in Miami" and I immediately thought, "Great, a miracle, I'm sure we'll get some more of those!"  Don't get me wrong, watching Tom Brady wipe that smug shit-eating grin off his face while he's talking to some teammates about what type of Uggs he's wearing that night as Kenyon Drake goes racing past is one of those moments that I'll keep seared on the back of my cerebral cortex for the rest of my life.  But a miracle?  Hardly.  When it comes to the Miami Dolphins and miracles, I'll start believing when I don't spend the final two weeks wondering if we'll get the fourteenth or the fifteenth pick in the upcoming draft.  I'll consider it a miracle when Ryan "Fuzzby" Tannehill doesn't hold the ball for ten seconds and takes a game-altering sack on third down.  I'll start to believe that maybe a higher power has something to do with it when I can watch them play against a broken ass team like the Minnesota Vikings and have them not manhandle us like we owed them money.  An early December win against the Patriots is the same as getting a participation trophy, not a miracle.

So let's see, is there anything else in the last year I want to bring up other than the two things that happened in the last month...uhhh...LeBron joined the Lakers...nobody cares...Bryce Harper is going to get a contract that instead could be used to sustain the rainforests...nobody cares...oh, I got one!

The University of Central Florida Knights haven't lost a football game in two years and all they get to show for it is the chance to play LSU on New Year's Day in a bowl game that doesn't really mean jack shit.  A four-team playoff to decide the National Championship is nothing short of a joke and really makes me revisit that path I always take when I say I hate the NCAA.  I really fucking hate the NCAA.  What are we doing here?  Four teams out of 130 are the official odds, but they're really not because you let a 'committee' determine those four teams based off of their own biased opinions.  And, guess what, who would've thought that those opinions are leaned heavily on by money?  At the end of the season we end everything with a big Bullshit Parade and tell people that Alabama are the champions when really all they had to do was beat two teams picked by a committee of people that actually don't give a shit about football.  WOOOOOOO!  Congrats, dickheads.

Why not UCF?  They haven't lost in two years, nobody else can say that!  You want to argue strength of schedule and I don't really get that because we're just asking to play the big boys, not get handed anything.  What would be so really terrible for the NCAA if they let UCF play Alabama?

That they could beat them?  Then what would we do?  Change everything?

Now there's a theory...