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Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Cutler Did It

I'm not friends with the entire city of Chicago or Fox Sports anymore...it's official.

You see, living in the Twilight Zone is weird.  On the one hand you keep getting completely random and unforeseen ridiculous crap thrown at you and on the other your morbid curiosity catches you and you wonder what's next.

What's next?  Jay Whatever-the-Hell-his-middle-name-is Cutler.  That's what's next for me.  I have Jay Cutler.  There's going to be Miami Dolphins jerseys made that have the name Cutler on the back and they won't be custom jerseys that Dave Cutler had to have made because he can't decide who his favorite Dolphin player is and if he's paying sixty bucks for it, then fuck it, what's twenty bucks more for the customized version?!

Kids, quick recap, last season the Miami Dolphins did just enough to beat shitty teams and had crawled out from that spot that's constantly kept in the dark on purpose to make that playoff game...that they quickly bowed out from.  I mean, Pittsburgh?  Can I fan-boy crush on them harder?!  We should have won that game.  We SHOULD have won that game.  But it's PITTSBURGH...and miami.  Whatever.  I'm not bitter.

The important part about our little trip down memory lane is that my favorite little fuzzby in the whole game, Ryan Tannehill, hurt his knee juuuuust enough to not need surgery but to make sure he had no part in that Steelers game.  Anyways, he doesn't get surgery, he drinks some tea, reads some tarot cards, and eats fish oil pills to heal his partially torn knee ligament.  Obviously I'm exaggerating because who the Hell doesn't get surgery in the NFL?!  They have access to the best health care system in the nation.  They go to the top surgeons in the United States for torn ligaments.  Notice how I didn't say 'heart transplants' or 'brain surgery' there.  They're pretty much the biggest players in the surgery game (cause I'm sure that exists) and yet...YET...Tannehill said, "Eh, I'll throw a few ice packs on it for the next five months and we'll see how I feel."

In the entire history of things being partially torn have you ever, ever, heard of one time...just ONE time that it reconnected itself together, you know, just cause?  That's a rhetorical question and in case you don't know what that means it means that I'm not waiting for your answer because it's irrelevant to me because I already know the answer.  It's no.  The answer is no.

So we go all through the summer and get to about the week before the preseason starts and guess what happens?  Tannehill crumples to the ground on a non-contact play in practice.  Wow.  Shocking!  I would have thought his knee would have regenerated new ligaments by now, I mean, he waited long enough, right?

Whichever doctor it inevitably came down to that said surgery was unnecessary was clearly drunk.  Was he unsure of what quarterbacks are expected to do?  They should, at the very least, be able to run.  There's not many paraplegic's out there huckin' the pigskin.  God forbid what would have happened to him had it been a tackle.  He might be picking out which prosthetic he thinks still makes him look the most human.

That's a bit dark, I apologize to all the stumps out there.

I'm rambling.  Anyways, I lose my fuzzby for the season and it finally dawns on the rest of the team that, 'Shit, we should probably find someone else to throw the ball, right?'  And I can imagine them saying this within earshot of Matt Moore who's been our backup quarterback for...ever...and all we seem to do is shit on the guy.

Tannehill's down?!  Whatever will we do?  Who do we get to play quarterback for us?  We better look at broadcasters!"  (Meanwhile, Matt Moore sits in the corner of a locker room crying ever so silently)



Enter the Cutler.  Which sounds like a parody of a classic Bruce Lee film but it's really the harbinger of doom of 2017 for the Miami Dolphins.  Before I tear it all to shreds, the reasoning for all of this is because Cutler's best year was with Adam Gase in Chicago.  Gase is now Miami's head coach and apparently he's the only one that knows Cutler.  He really knows him, you know?  You may think you know how to utilize Jay Cutler but you'll never know how to utilize him like Adam Gase!

Me?  Eh, I'm one of those weirdos that likes a little more of a time frame of statistics than one year.  Especially when you compare it to his entire body of work.  I mean, the guy is bound to have one best year, right?  What are the odds that it's because it was this other guy that really motivated him or taught him better than anybody else that ever did it before in the twenty something years before that he's been playing football?

Because, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but the guy has spent his entire life looking like he would rather be somewhere else.  A guy notorious for sitting out of key situations and never really giving a damn is worth chasing because once, a couple years ago, two guys captured lightning in a bottle? 

I DON'T GET IT LIEUTENANT DAN!

Meanwhile, the guy who should get the job is already on the team and doesn't have to be lured away from his broadcasting job from Fox Sports for $10 million!  If you told me I could get Dan Marino, at his peak, for one year at $10 million I wouldn't blink an eye.  If you told me I had my choice between Jay Cutler or Matt Moore, just how they are right now, for $10 million my last word would be Moore as I blew my brains out.  Ten million dollars for what?  Ten million dollars for pissing on our loyal and most likely source of success and retaining the rights to the guy that was about to be Fox Sports color commentator.  Cool.  I'm onboard.  Let's have a great season, fellas!

Jay Cutler has a body language that wonders why the martini selection wasn't as good as it was at that last art show.

Jay Cutler cares as much about the Miami Dolphins as he does about famine in Africa.

Jay Cutler is probably only in South Florida so he can finally find that rug that matches the curtains in his guest bedroom.

Jay Cutler is...the starting quarterback of the Miami Dolphins.

I just vomited all over the place.  I need help.

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