Ding Dong

I woke up this morning in a San Juan prison wearing nothing but a sombrero and several new tattoos.  The taste of scorpion liquor was still on my breath as I rolled myself to the bars and yelled out,  "He's gone!  He's really gone!"

Miami mercifully released Joe Philbin from his duties as head coach and I immediately went on a bender to Puerto Rico to celebrate aaaaaaaand things got out of hand.  There was chickens, guns, I don't know...it got weird.  The unicorns bailed me out this morning and I slept for most of the plane ride so I can't tell you what in-flight movie was playing but I opted for the kosher meal.

One of the unicorns, I call him Biscuits, just pointed out that 'scorpion liquor' is traditionally Mexican and I slapped him across the face and told him to never correct me.  It's embarrassing.  By the way, his name isn't really 'Biscuits', I just call him that to be a jerk.  His name is Charles.

If I haven't been abundantly clear by this point that I don't care to talk about Joe Philbin anymore--that's exactly what I'm doing.  He's done.  It's done.  Let's move on.

Let's move right along to...baseball!  Yay, baseball!  That's so much more interesting than any other sport!  Did you know that baseball is considered America's past time?  Yeah, I don't know what it means either but it's got America in the title so you know you have to clap along or else you get the hook from the Sandman.  The same day that Joe Philbin was fired so was Matt Williams, the manager of the Washington Nationals.  He was promptly replaced by Will Matthews, announced by general manager Mitt Wilhelm, accompanied by owner Walt Mayhew.  In all seriousness, you probably can't have a member of your bullpen choke out your best star player on television and expect everything to just blow over like it was no big deal.  Also, you lost thirteen more games than you did last year and you added more firepower!  That's almost like the Dolphins not being able to stop the run despite giving a defensive tackle over a gazillion dollars.  People lose their jobs over that.  It happens.


Around this same time, in the Bermuda Triangle of sports, CC Sabathia announced that he was leaving the New York Yankees, who play in the wild card game against the Houston Astros tonight, because he had to check himself into alcohol rehab.  CC said he had to do right by his family and he was sorry for the timing and abandoning his teammates in this crucial moment.  While I will, with one hand, applaud a man for getting help I will simultaneously await the tell-all story from the hooker.  It's got to be a hooker right?  It was several hookers for Tiger Woods and he's just a golfer!  I can only imagine the amount of hookers being thrown at the feet of a New York Yankee, especially one with a drinking problem...and I'm looking at you, Ruth and Mantle.  I applaud CC's wife for putting the heel to the throat and making him get his shit together and realizing that he's actually not the hot, hot shit he thinks he is and would be nothing but a moldy cardboard box without his family.  I wonder if he had a drinking problem in Cleveland?


Okay, I guess that's enough baseball to fill the quota established by the government.  What's left?  Siiiiiggggghhhhhh.  Okay, okay...football.

I don't know exactly what's happened to the Indianapolis Colts and Andrew Luck but damned if I'm not wearing a dark cloak and saying, "Good....gooooooooood."  This is the price you pay when you make deals with the devil, Indy.  In the bridge between Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck you made blood sacrifices and chalk pentagrams and tried to make last year your year but ol' Bill "I'd kill my own wife to win a football game" Belichick and Tom "I'm just a puppet in a corrupt organization but I'm going to ride it because I get to bang models despite my upbringing" Brady decided to deflate some balls on you.  AND EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT!

It's unfortunate that people are putting the blame on Andrew Luck when really the blame should be on every other single member of the team.  If your team is losing it's never Andrew Luck's fault.  He's Andrew Luck.  He's from Stanford.  They love trees.


Okay...I think that's it.  Yeah...we've covered just about everything...

Told ya.